The Hero’s Guide to Storming the Castle

The Hero’s Guide to Storming the Castle
Christopher Healy

The second book in this fast-paced and hilarious fantasy quest in the grand tradition of Shrek and The Princess Bride, starring four very unlikely, but likeable, heroes.Prince Liam. Prince Frederick. Prince Duncan. Prince Gustav. You’ve never heard of them, have you? But you’ve probably heard of Prince Charming, the guy who rides in at the last minute to save the girl. Well that’s them, all four of them. They are all Prince Charmings. Only in reality, they are a little less heroic than you might expect.After saving the kingdom(s) together, you’d think the princes would finally be able to relax. But after this heroism, do they finally have respect? Nooo… the bards have again made them even more of a laughing stock then when they started…But at least they have each other now – or do they? When Prince Liam is kidnapped and forced to marry the evil Briar Rose, they must unite again to save him. But can they really overcome their differences for long enough to save the day again? With The Bandit King, an evil warlord, and Briar Rose all working against them, they may need a little help from the Princesses this time…

For Noelle

Title Page (#u15717203-5f9d-5425-b62f-a841468f6231)

Dedication

Map of the Thirteen Kingdoms (#u5e3b8244-1eb6-5a20-8e7a-dec3b638c56b)

Prologue: Things You Don’t Know About Heroes (#ulink_809daaed-e749-5344-b5d2-5423703f7293)

PART I: CRASHING THE WEDDING (#ulink_c85d5b55-6cc2-5c46-9b42-3eb7cd56346d)

1. A Hero Has Narrow Feet (#ulink_0936f253-c43a-5b18-88df-b7fb05db3088)

2. A Hero Is a Carnivore (#ulink_a4ee515d-60db-54bc-8654-9a07004f4b5d)

3. A Hero Doesn’t Remember What He Did That Was So Special (#ulink_54e0c640-9944-580f-a7f8-b764f942b490)

4. A Hero Doesn’t Appreciate Good Comedy (#ulink_e7b6c6e3-e2ae-5a27-b6af-2568a8b80b0c)

5. A Hero Cries at Weddings (#ulink_fa0c7be3-1f64-51d3-ad75-9005cc9c1491)

6. A Hero Has a Fancy Closet (#ulink_7698c0e1-b8ae-5a31-a6f3-6ccc59c28f24)

PART II: UNCOVERING THE PLOT (#litres_trial_promo)

7. A Hero Has No Idea What’s Going On (#litres_trial_promo)

8. The Villain Redecorates (#litres_trial_promo)

9. A Hero Makes It Up as He Goes Along (#litres_trial_promo)

10. A Hero Takes No for an Answer (#litres_trial_promo)

11. A Hero Is Grossed Out by Sticky Floors (#litres_trial_promo)

12. A Hero Has No Sense of Direction (#litres_trial_promo)

13. The Villain Feeds the Fish (#litres_trial_promo)

14. A Hero Starts New Traditions (#litres_trial_promo)

15. A Hero Has a Ball (#litres_trial_promo)

16. A Hero Forgets the Lyrics (#litres_trial_promo)

17. The Villain Just Wants to Have Fun (#litres_trial_promo)

18. A Hero Has Friends in High Places (#litres_trial_promo)

PART III: STORMING THE CASTLE (#litres_trial_promo)

19. The Villain Pulls the Strings (#litres_trial_promo)

20. A Hero Acts Like a Clown (#litres_trial_promo)

21. A Hero Gets Dumped (#litres_trial_promo)

22. A Hero Hates Seafood (#litres_trial_promo)

23. A Hero Knows How to Count (#litres_trial_promo)

24. A Hero Smells a Rat (#litres_trial_promo)

25. The Villain Gives Two Thumbs-Down (#litres_trial_promo)

26. A Hero Tells It Like It Is (#litres_trial_promo)

27. A Hero Invites the Villain to Drop In (#litres_trial_promo)

28. The Villain Wins (#litres_trial_promo)

29. A Hero Doesn’t Know Where to Go Next (#litres_trial_promo)

29 1/2. The Villain Sheds a Tear (#litres_trial_promo)

Acknowledgments (#litres_trial_promo)

Back Ad (#litres_trial_promo)

Copyright (#litres_trial_promo)

About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)

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true hero plays the flute.

A true hero always carries an eyebrow comb.

A true hero smells faintly of melon.

Are any of these things true? It depends on the hero you’re talking about, of course. But you can find all these definitions of “hero”—and many more—in the how-to-be-a-hero instruction manual being written by one Prince Duncan of the kingdom of Sylvaria. Duncan’s original title for his book had been The Hero’s Guide to Saving Your Kingdom, but he decided that was too specific. So he changed it to The Hero’s Guide to Everything in the Whole World. But that had kind of the opposite problem. He eventually settled on The Hero’s Guide to Being a Hero.

Now, you may be asking yourself, Who is this Prince Duncan, and what makes him such an expert on heroes? To which I will respond by saying that perhaps you may have skipped a book on your way to this one. You should probably check on that.