The Lost Diaries

The Lost Diaries
Craig Brown

The Lost Diaries is a wide-ranging anthology of the world's greatest diarists, each of them channelled onto paper through the considerable psychic force that is Craig Brown.Arranged on a day-to-day basis, spread throughout an entire year, these diary extracts form a patchwork quilt of observation, reflection, contemplation and, above all, self-promotion. As the months unfold, different diarists offer their insights on the events that pass: John Prescott on going to Royal Ascot, Nigella Lawson on preparing Christmas lunch, W.G. Sebald on enjoying an ice lolly by the beach, Karl Lagerfeld on the need for an umbrella in Spring.Among over 200 diarists featured are Martin Amis, Jordan, Germaine Greer, The Duchess of Devonshire, President Barack Obama, Philip Roth, HM the Queen, Heather Mills McCartney, Victoria Beckham, Ludwig Wittgenstein, Sir Cecil Beaton, John Prescott, Mohamed Fayed, Harold Pinter, Yoko Ono, Barbara Cartland, Jilly Cooper, Christopher Ricks, Jeremy Clarkson, Jeanette Winterson, Sylvia Plath, Keith Richards, Maya Angelou and Frank McCourt.CRAIG BROWN has been writing the Private Eye celebrity diary since 1989. He has also written parodies for many other publications, including The Daily Telegraph, Vanity Fair, The Times and The Guardian. The Lost Diaries is the first time all his greatest parodies have been gathered together in one book. Arranged day-by-day, full of invigorating and sometimes shocking juxtapositions, they constitute a treasure-trove, choc-a-bloc with all the fantasies and illusions of our times.

The Lost Diaries

Edited by

Craig Brown

‘The life of every man is a diary in which he meansto write one story, and writes another.’

J. M. BARRIE

Table of Contents

Cover Page (#ucd939406-b686-5258-a976-70cceee10841)

Title Page (#u2f97bd3e-87f9-5c0d-9c03-3b31a5c09e63)

Epigraph (#ub51f95a5-e216-57e3-b642-759294e58e1a)

INTRODUCTION by His Holiness the Dalai Lama (#u394b2844-61a3-5cb4-8135-fa41d7cda9b2)

January (#u38c701db-fbb6-5ebc-8d28-0ebb4394f555)

February (#u3fdb4303-a4ca-5e2a-8198-3105bc4baee7)

March (#u52faaf07-4285-5878-86e0-afac1f2aa7ee)

April (#litres_trial_promo)

May (#litres_trial_promo)

June (#litres_trial_promo)

July (#litres_trial_promo)

August (#litres_trial_promo)

September (#litres_trial_promo)

October (#litres_trial_promo)

November (#litres_trial_promo)

December (#litres_trial_promo)

INDEX (#litres_trial_promo)

Acknowledgements (#litres_trial_promo)

Also written or co-written by Craig Brown (#litres_trial_promo)

Copyright (#litres_trial_promo)

About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)

INTRODUCTION by His Holiness the Dalai Lama (#ulink_569572bb-527a-5a29-b17e-36a87700efcf)

It is a great honour for me to introduce this historic selection from the diaries of so many wonderful people.

Victoria Beckham, for instance, is one of The Spice Girls. The Spice Girls are five young ladies who sing as well as they dance.

When I met Victoria some years ago, she offered me gracious advice on how to broaden my appeal. I am most grateful for that, Victoria! She also told me how she had been in the forefront of the struggle for the Tibetan people. She even wore a T-shirt with a slogan printed in large orange letters which she assured me probably had something to do with Buddhism. For this I salute her!

On a personal note, I have also had the great honour of being presented to Mr Alan Yentob from the BBC. I was deeply touched when Alan asked me what I thought of the new Martin Amis, whether I had managed to catch up with the latest Gilbert and George exhibition at Tate Modern and if I had heard about the disappointing ratings for Melvyn Bragg’s most recent South Bank Show on Andrew Lloyd Webber.

To think that such an illustrious personage would value my own humble opinion!

Yes, I was ‘living the dream’!

Lady Heather Mills McCartney is another personal acquaintance. I am always delighted to hear her tell me how she was brought up by wolves and triumphed against adversity to reach Number 1 in the Hit Parade and win the Booker Prize three years in a row. I congratulate Heather, also, on her recent news that she is the ‘hot tip’ to be the next Governor of the Bank of England.

Well done, Heather! You set us all an excellent example!

From the world of politics, Edwina Currie is a woman who knows what it is to engage in struggle. The last time we met, Edwina told me about her valiant campaign to improve the condition of eggs in the United Kingdom. If she had agreed not to speak out for what she truly believed, she would, she confessed, be Prime Minister. But this was a lady who was not prepared to compromise! She had too much compassion in her heart! We salute her!

There are many other good friends of mine included in this magnificent volume! Sir V.S. Naipaul is a very very nice man. When I was introduced to him on my last visit to Buckingham Palace, London, I clutched him to my bosom and kissed him on both cheeks as a brother. I shall never forget the way Vidia was so overcome with emotion that he swept from the room, too ‘choked up’ to speak!

I am also most humbled by Lord John Prescott, the former Deputy Prime Minister of Great Britain and now, he informs me, one of the leading world statesmen of our age, devoting himself to bringing peace to all mankind. When I met John and his lovely wife Tracey on a visit to Whitehall, London, I could see what a very close and loving couple they were! They bring me great joy!

And I honour, too, the British Royal Family. That most gracious lady, Her Majesty, must be so very proud that her children have all risen to the position of Princes and Dukes.

The Prince of Wales is a very wise man. He tells me he has introduced organic ginger biscuits to leading stores throughout the United Kingdom. These biscuits are available not just for the few, he says, but for the many. I support the Prince in his great quest to feed the people of the world!

So many splendid people, so many splendid achievements, and all chronicled in these personal diaries! Let us strive to follow their examples!

I do not like to single out any particular individual for praise, but we must surely all agree that there is one human being who has come to symbolise the spirit of Great Britain at its best. You will have guessed by now that I am speaking of the tireless philanthropist and human rights campaigner, Mr Max Clifford!

On my last visit to London, Max got in touch with me. He told me of how he had led the world campaign for a free Tibet. ‘Believe me, Dalai, if it wasn’t for The Seventies Revival Show starring the Bay City Rollers and Suzi Quatro touring live throughout Britain and Europe, you wouldn’t have half the profile you have today,’ he assured me. My heart overflowed with gratitude. He also offered to introduce me to the popular entertainer Mr Michael Barrymore, and through Michael I had the great honour to meet S Club 7, who have done so much to bring democracy, freedom and respect for human rights to all the people of the world.

And I haven’t even mentioned that great film director Mr Michael Winner! His films have brought joy and consolation to countless millions, his aides tell me. Well done, Michael!

There is so much wisdom in this collection – and much of it arises from the depths of human suffering. I was upset to read of the stress of Stella McCartney. With all my heart, I beg each of you to stop asking her what it was like growing up as her father’s daughter! The poor girl is hurting!

So many brilliant people, with so much to tell us about themselves!

I have spent many, many years teaching people about compassion and self-sacrifice. From reading these diaries I know, deep in my heart, that this is a lesson the world is crying out to learn!