Mistletoe Mommy

“You can ask me all you want. I promise to give honest answers.” Luke sighed. “Though I suppose if your late husband cheated at cards, you probably have no reason to believe me.”

A tiny smile turned the corners of Nellie’s lips. “I’ve gotten good at telling when a man is lying. And I believe you.”

“Thank you.” Luke wasn’t sure why it mattered so much, but it felt good to know Nellie believed him.

“Might I ask how your wife died?”

He should have expected the question, but her words were like a shotgun blast to the chest.

Fighting the nausea that always came when he spoke of it, Luke took a deep breath as he looked at Nellie.

“She was serving with the church ministry to the miners. There was an explosion at the mine, and she was killed by falling rocks.” He shook his head, trying to banish the image of his wife’s lifeless body.

Nellie gave his arm a squeeze. “I’m so sorry for your loss. I heard you say at Mrs. Heatherington’s that you are angry with the church because of her death. I can understand why.”

“Thank you. I shouldn’t be bitter, but it’s hard. And it’s even harder walking through those doors and having everyone try to make up for something that can never be replaced. They say what I suppose are all the right things, but nothing can be said to erase the pain in my heart. All their words about God’s love—if God loved us so much, why would He have taken her from us?”

His voice shook as it always did when he spoke of Diana’s death, and Luke looked away, but Nellie held his arm tight. Hopefully she wouldn’t question him further on the topic or try to convince him that he needed to let go of his grief. People didn’t understand. He couldn’t... He just couldn’t.

It seemed wrong to talk about his late wife to the woman who would soon be his next wife. Especially when he knew that he would never be able to share the kind of love with Nellie that he had once had with Diana.

Even now, he couldn’t help but hate himself a little at the thought of marrying so soon after Diana’s death. It seemed an insult to her memory. But what other choice did he have?

Nellie gave his arm another squeeze. He was grateful for the convention of her taking his arm to be escorted through town, even if she held him a little too tight to be acceptable. Though he normally didn’t enjoy the comfort others offered, the genuine compassion Nellie showed him felt almost like a lifeline.

“Grief is a personal thing,” she said. “You need to mourn your wife in the way that is best for you. Sometimes I feel guilty for not mourning my husband, but that is my burden. I respect your need to deal with your wife’s death in your own way.”

He turned his attention back to her, noticing the tenderness in her eyes. Her response confirmed his belief that marrying Nellie was the right thing to do. Luke was tired of everyone telling him how to act after his loss. None of them knew what he was feeling. Even Pastor Lassiter, who had lost his own wife years ago, could not possibly understand the unbearable weight in Luke’s heart. Nellie was the first person who didn’t pretend to know what he was going through.

“Thank you,” he said. “I appreciate your understanding. I won’t ask the details of your marriage. I suspect you were not as blessed as I was, and for that I am truly sorry. Your late husband was a fool. Which is a pity, because even in the brief time I have known you, I can see that you are a wise and loving woman who deserved better.”

Luke placed his free hand over hers and gave her a squeeze. It felt nice to have another loving human touch that asked nothing of him and only sought to give.

A hint of pink tinged her cheeks, and she looked away briefly.

“Don’t do that,” Luke said. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about. I know there is not love between us, at least not the romantic kind. But even now, I care for you as a friend. As your friend, I don’t judge you for your lack of grief. Instead, I praise you for finding the strength to carry on and being willing to open your heart to me and my family.”

With a gentle smile, Nellie turned her attention back to him. “I consider you a friend, as well. Thank you for understanding my situation and being willing to accept what I have to give.”

“No thanks are needed. After all, you are doing me just as great a service. I believe we will get on together well.”

* * *

If Nellie needed any other convincing that marrying Luke was the right thing to do, this conversation had done the trick. He was a man with a good, loving heart. Luke deeply grieved his wife, and for that Nellie was thankful. It seemed odd to be thankful for a man’s grief, but it was an indication that he cared for others. What Nellie needed most was someone with strong compassion, someone who had the capability to love.

Not that Nellie desired love for herself, but if a man could love, he could be kind. In fact, it was a relief to know that Luke had buried his heart with his wife. He’d already loved someone, which meant he wouldn’t be falling in love with Nellie, and there would be no danger of her falling in love with him. A perfect match.

Or at least as perfect as Nellie could expect from a stranger. She could hear her mother’s voice in the back of her head, cautioning her that a man who didn’t love the Lord with all his heart was no man at all. But what did she know of Luke’s heart? Or of any man’s heart, for that matter? In the early years of their marriage, Ernest had been a churchgoing man, respected in their community. It wasn’t until the drinking and gambling had gotten out of hand that things started falling apart.

She should count it a blessing that Luke was honest about his relationship with God.

If only it wasn’t for the sinking feeling in her stomach telling her she shouldn’t settle for so little.

Nellie fought the urge to laugh at such ridiculousness. So little? She’d been offered the world with her first marriage. Everyone thought she’d done so well in marrying Ernest McClain. Look where that had gotten her.

Which left her here, walking through town with a stranger willing to marry her, because like Nellie, he was out of options. And as if Nellie needed any other reminders, they walked past a house of ill repute. Though it was too cold out for the ladies to be sitting on the porch, beckoning men to sample their wares, it was obvious they were inside, waiting.

Nellie shuddered. She’d been kept in a place like that. And she was never going back.

Luke pulled her closer to him. “I’m sorry we have to go past those places. You’ll find we have similar parts of town in Leadville, but our home is in a decent area where you won’t be bothered by the likes of them.”

Closing her eyes briefly, Nellie sent a silent prayer, thanking God for a husband who wanted a marriage in name only, but also asking Him to help keep her secret. She hadn’t been in that place willingly, but most people didn’t seem to understand that.

“On to more pleasant things,” Luke said, patting her hand. “How do you envision our wedding?”

As Nellie smiled back, she was grateful for the way Luke took her feelings into consideration. Though her late mother would have argued that Luke’s estrangement from the church was a large matter, each of these small kindnesses he continued showing her added up to be far more than any measurement Nellie could have given. Even before things got bad, Ernest had never been so considerate of Nellie. Her world had revolved around pleasing him—or facing the consequences.

Just because Luke struggled with his faith didn’t mean Nellie had to give up hers. Besides, it wasn’t as though she’d been a regular churchgoer herself. Ernest had forbidden her from going after they threw him out for showing up to service drunk, and Nellie had learned to observe her faith in her own quiet way.

Nothing would change in her faith if she married Luke.

Except she’d promised herself that when she finally found freedom, she’d throw herself into a church community and participate in every activity that had been denied her so long.

Would he make her break that promise?

“You do still want to marry me,” Luke said, looking down at her, “don’t you?”

Nellie met his gaze. “Of course I do. I was just thinking...”

Did she dare ask him about her reservations? They’d talked about everything else, and her faith was no small thing.

But she’d seen the flash in his eyes when he spoke of his anger at God. Everything else she’d done to test his character, to see if she could push him into the kind of rage she’d seen in Ernest...was it all to be for nothing if she didn’t pursue his potentially negative feelings now?

“I was just thinking about God. And church,” Nellie said firmly, looking him in the eye. They had paused in front of a church, and Nellie took that as a sign that they needed to have this conversation.

Luke didn’t flinch. “You’re worried my anger at God would prevent you from going?”

Nellie seemed hardly able to draw a breath. It was as though he could read her thoughts.

She nodded slowly, her eyes searching his, looking for a hint of the rage she so feared. Had she provoked him this time? Better now than after the wedding, when she wouldn’t be able to undo her mistake.

If marrying Luke was a mistake, she’d figure that out before they went through with it. Never again would she endure the pain she’d suffered during her marriage to Ernest. The coins she’d sewn in the waistband of her skirt and hidden in the toe of her shoe didn’t amount to much, but it would give her enough. Nellie had learned a few tricks of her own from Earnest’s vile friends. Never put all your coins in one place. She would always be able to escape.

If Luke revealed a temper, best to end things now.

“My quarrel is with God alone,” Luke said slowly. “I do not fault others for not sharing my anger. I would not ask anyone to bear the burden I carry. You’re free to worship as you choose.” His face darkened slightly as he took a deep breath. “Though I would ask it not include me. Save your sermons and conversion speeches for those who need it. I am not among them.”

As Nellie searched his expression, she could find no hint of violence, no sign that he would hurt her if she disobeyed him.