The World of David Walliams: 7 Book Collection

9) Church-going on Sunday morning to be compulsory. And when you do go you have to sing the hymns properly, not just open and close your mouth when the organ plays.

10) Mobile telephonic devices to have only classical music ringtones from now on, like Mozart and Beethoven and one of the other ones, not the latest pop songs from the hit parade.

11) Unemployed people not to be allowed to claim benefit any more. Dole scum only have themselves to blame and are just plain idle. Why should we pay for them to sit at home all day watching or appearing on The Jeremy Kyle Show?

12) Giant bronze statues of royals Prince Edward and his fragrant wife Sophie, Countess of Wessex, to be erected in the local park.

13) Tattoos on anyone but visiting sailors to be banned. Tattoos can to be dropped off anonymously at police stations without prosecution.

14) Fast food burger restaurants to introduce plates, cutlery and table service. And stop serving burgers. And French fries. And nuggets. And those apple pies that are always too hot in the middle.

15) The local library to stock only the works of Beatrix Potter. Apart from The Tale of Mr Jeremy Fisher, as the sequence when the frog, Mr Fisher, is swallowed by a trout is far too violent even for adults.

16) Football games in the local park are a nuisance. From now on only imaginary balls to be used.

17) Only nice films to be offered for rental in Blockbuster. That is to say films about posh people from the olden days who are too shy even to hold hands.

18) To combat the growing problem of ‘hoodies’ all hooded tops to be have the hoods cut off.

19) Video games rot the brain. Any video games (or computer games or console games or whatever the stupid things are called) to be played only between 4pm and 4:01pm daily.

20) Finally, all homeless people, or ‘soap-dodgers’, are to be banned from our streets. They are a menace to society. And, more importantly, they smell.

Chloe slumped down on the sofa when she read these last sentences. There was a loud squeak as she did so. Mother had insisted on keeping on the plastic covers the sofa and armchair had arrived in, so as to keep them immaculate. They were indeed still immaculate, but it meant your bum got really hot and sweaty.

What about my new friend Mr Stink? Chloe thought. What’s going to happen to him? And what about the Duchess? If he is banned from the streets where on earth is he going to go?

And then, a moment later, Wow, my bum is getting incredibly hot and sweaty.

She chaffed her way sadly back up the stairs to her room. Sitting on her bed, she stared out of the window. Because she was shy and awkward, Chloe didn’t make friends easily. Now her newest friend Mr Stink was going to have to leave the town. Maybe for ever. She stared out through the glass at the deep blue endless air. Then, just before her eyes lost focus in the infinite sky of nothing, she looked down. The answer was at the end of the garden staring back at her.

The shed.

7 A Bucket in the Corner (#ulink_200252ba-2d06-5c23-92df-628657abef16)

This operation had to be top-secret. Chloe waited until darkness fell, and then led Mr Stink and the Duchess silently down her street, before slipping through the side gate to her garden.

“It’s just a shed…” said Chloe apologetically as they entered his new abode. “I’m sorry there’s no ensuite bathroom, but there is a bucket in the corner there just behind the lawnmower. You can use that if you need to go in the night…”

“Well, this is unimaginably kind, young Miss Chloe, thank you,” said Mr Stink, smiling broadly. Even the Duchess seemed to bark ‘thank you’, or at least ‘cheers’. “Now,” continued Mr Stink, “are you sure your mother and father don’t mind me being here? I would hate to be an unwelcome guest.”

Chloe gulped, nervous about the lie that was about to come out of her mouth. “No…no…they don’t mind at all. They’re just both very busy people and they apologise that they weren’t able to be here right now to meet you in person.”

Chloe had carefully picked the right time to settle Mr Stink in. She knew Mother was out campaigning for election, and Dad was picking up Annabelle from her sumo-wrestling class.

“Well I would love to meet them both,” said Mr Stink, “and see what people turned out such a wonderfully generous and thoughtful daughter. This will be so much warmer than my bench.”

Chloe smiled shyly at the compliment. “Sorry there are all these old cardboard boxes in here,” she said. She started to move them out of the way, to give him room to lie down. Mr Stink gave her a hand, lifting some of the boxes on top of each other. When she got to the bottom box, Chloe paused. Poking out of the top was a charred electric guitar. She examined it for a moment, puzzled, then rummaged through the box and found a pile of old CDs. They were all the same, stacks and stacks of an album entitled Hell For Leather by The Serpents of Doom.

“Have you ever heard of this band?” she asked.

“I don’t really know any music past 1958, I’m afraid.”

Chloe studied the picture on the cover for a moment. Super-imposed in front of a drawing of a giant snake stood four long-haired, leather-jacketed types. Chloe’s eyes fixed on the guitar player, who looked an awful lot like her dad, only with a mess of curly black hair.

“I don’t believe it!” said Chloe. “That’s my dad.”

She hadn’t had any idea her dad had ever had a perm, let alone that he’d been in a rock band! She didn’t know which was more shocking—the idea of him not being bald, or the idea of him playing electric guitar.

“Really?” said Mr Stink.

“I think so,” said Chloe. “It looks like him anyway.” She was still studying the album cover with a curious combination of pride and embarrassment.

“Well, we all have secrets, Miss Chloe. Now what should I do if I require a pot of tea or a round of sausage sandwiches on white bread please with HP sauce on the side? Is there a bell I should ring?”

Chloe looked at him, a little surprised. She hadn’t realised she was going to have to feed him as well as shelter him.

“No, there’s no bell,” she said. “Erm, you see that window up there? That’s my bedroom.”

“Ah yes?”

“Well if you need something, why don’t you flash this old bicycle light up at my window? Then I can come down and…erm…take your order.”

“Perfection!” exclaimed Mr Stink.

Being in the confined space of the shed with Mr Stink was beginning to make it difficult for Chloe to breathe. The smell was especially bad today. It was stinky even by Mr Stink’s stinky standards. “Would you like to have a bath before my family get back?” Chloe said hopefully. The Duchess looked up at her master with a look of desperate hope in her blinking eyes. It was the stink that made her blink.

“Let me think…”

Chloe smiled at him expectantly.

“Actually, I’ll leave it for this month, thank you.”

“Oh,” said Chloe, disappointed. “Is there is anything I can get you right now?”

“Is there an afternoon tea menu perhaps?” asked Mr Stink. “A choice of scones, cakes and French pastries?”

“Erm…no,” said Chloe. “But I could bring you a cup of tea and biscuits. And we should have some cat food that I could bring for the Duchess.”

“I am pretty sure the Duchess is a dog not a cat,” pronounced Mr Stink.

“I know, but we only have a cat, so we’ve only got cat food.”

“Well, maybe you could pop into Raj’s shop tomorrow and buy the Duchess some tins of dog food. Raj knows the brand she likes.” Mr Stink rummaged in his pockets. “Here’s a ten pence piece. You can keep the change.”

Chloe looked in her hand. Mr Stink had actually placed an old brass button there.

“Thank you so much, young lady,” he continued. “And please don’t forget to knock when you return in case I am getting changed into my pyjamas.”