The World of David Walliams: 7 Book Collection

“Mrs Crumb,” said Raj. “May I interest you in something incredibly special that will certainly become something of a family heirloom to be passed down through the generations? Something your grandchildren will one day take proudly to have valued on The Antiques Road Show?”

“Yes?” said Mother expectantly.

“It’s a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles stationery set…”

11 Hair Pulling (#ulink_1f2421d4-9a4e-5625-81a1-2f4f9ba7b2a8)

“What are you hiding in the shed?” said Annabelle with accusatory glee.

It was midnight and Chloe was once again tiptoeing past her sister’s room, this time to tell Mr Stink about Lily’s newest adventure with her flesh-eating zombie teachers. Annabelle stood in her doorway in her pink pony pyjamas. Her hair was in bunches. And in case of fire she slept in lip-gloss. She looked sickeningly cute.

“Nothing,” said Chloe, gulping.

“I know when you’re lying, Chloe.”

“How?”

“You gulp when you tell a lie.”

“No I don’t!” said Chloe, trying very hard not to gulp. She gulped.

“You just did! What’s in there anyway? Have you got a boyfriend hiding in there or something?”

“No, I haven’t got a boyfriend, Annabelle.”

“No, of course not. You would need to lose some weight first.”

“Just go back to bed,” said Chloe.

“I am not going to bed until you tell me what you’ve got in the shed,” announced Annabelle.

“Keep your voice down. You are going to wake everyone up!”

“No I won’t keep my voice down! In fact it is going to get louder and louder. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la!”

“Shush!” hissed Chloe.

“La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la…!”

Chloe pulled her little sister’s hair sharply. There was a pause for a moment, as Annabelle stared at Chloe in shock. Then she opened her mouth.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHH!” wailed Annabelle.

“Girls! What on earth is all this noise?” said Mother as she sailed out of her bedroom in her silk nightgown.

Annabelle tried to speak, but hyperventilated through her tears.

“Ugh…eh…ah…eh…ah…ughhhh…ah…eh…ugh…”

“What on earth have you done to her, Chloe?” demanded Mother.

“She’s putting it on! I didn’t pull her stupid hair that hard!” Chloe protested.

“You pulled her hair? Annabelle is down to the last thousand for a model casting tomorrow for George at Asda and she has to look perfect!”

“Ugh…ah…eh…ah. She’s ah eh got ugh ugh ugh hiding ugh ugh something eh ah ugh in the ugh ugh ughu shed,” said Annabelle as she squeezed out some more tears.

“Father,” ordered Mother. “Come out here this instant!”

“I’m asleep!” came the muffled cry from their bedroom.

“THIS INSTANT!”

Chloe looked down at the carpet so Mother couldn’t read her face. There was a pause. The three ladies of the house listened as Dad got out of bed. Next they heard the sound of someone passing water into a toilet bowl. Mother’s face turned red with fury.

“I SAID THIS INSTANT!”

The sound abruptly stopped and Dad scurried out of the bedroom in his Arsenal FC pyjamas.

“Annabelle said Chloe is hiding something in the shed. Chocolate, most likely. I need you to go down there and take a look.”

“Me?” protested Dad.

“Yes you!”

“Can’t it wait until the morning?”

“No it can’t.”

“There’s nothing down there,” pleaded Chloe.

“SILENCE!” demanded Mother.

“I’ll just get a torch,” sighed Dad.

He made his way slowly downstairs, and Mother, Chloe and Annabelle rushed to the window of the master bedroom to watch him walk to the end of the garden. The moon was full, and it bathed the garden in an eerie glow. The torchlight danced around the trees and shrubs as he walked. They looked on breathlessly as Dad slowly opened the shed door. It creaked like a muffled scream.

Chloe could hear her heart beating. Was this the moment that would seal her doom forever? Would she be made to eat only cabbage for every meal from now on? Or get sent to bed before she’d even got up? Or be grounded for the rest of her life? Chloe gulped louder than she had ever gulped before. Mother heard this and shot her a look of dark, burning suspicion.

The silence was like thunder. A few seconds passed, or was it a few hours or even years? Then Dad emerged slowly from the shed. He looked up at the window and shouted, “There’s nothing here!”

12 Pongy Pong (#ulink_ba69f6df-2658-5040-aad4-2716228db196)

Did I dream the whole thing? thought Chloe as she lay in bed. She was in that place between asleep and awake. That place where you can still remember dreaming. It was 4:48am, and now she was beginning to wonder if Mr Stink even really existed.

At dawn her curiosity got the better of her. Chloe edged down the stairs, and tiptoed across the cold wet grass to the shed door. She lingered outside for a moment, before opening it.

“Ah, there you are!” said Mr Stink. “I am very hungry this morning. Poached eggs please, if it’s not too much trouble. Runny in the middle. Sausages. Mushrooms. Grilled tomatoes. Sausages. Baked beans. Sausages. Bread and butter. Brown sauce on the side. Don’t forget the sausages. English breakfast tea. And a glass of orange juice. Thank you so much.”