The World of David Walliams: 7 Book Collection

“It’s very important you don’t miss school.”

“I hate school,” said Chloe. “Please please please, Mr Stink. Let me come with you and the Duchess. I want to be a wanderer like you.”

“You must think about this properly for a moment, child,” said Mr Stink. “What on earth is your mother going to say?”

“I don’t care,” snapped Chloe. “I hate her anyway.”

“I’ve told you before, you mustn’t say that.”

“But it’s true.”

Mr Stink sighed. “Your mind is made up is it?”

“One hundred percent!”

“Well, in that case, I’d better go and talk to your mother for you.”

Chloe grinned. This was superbrilliantamazing! It was really going to happen. She was going to be free at last! No more being sent to bed early. No more maths homework. No more wearing yellow frilly dresses that made her look like a Quality Street. Chloe was a hundred times more excited than she had ever been in her life. She and Mr Stink were going to wander the world together, eating sausages for breakfast, lunch and dinner, having baths in ponds, and emptying Starbucks wherever they went…

“Thanks so much, Mr Stink,” she said, as she put her key in the lock for the last time.

As Chloe raced excitedly around her room throwing clothes and the chocolate bars she had hidden under her bed into her bag, she could hear faint voices in the kitchen downstairs. Mother won’t care, thought Chloe. She’ll hardly miss me anyway! The only person she cares about is Annabelle.

Chloe looked around her little pink room. Strangely, she felt a tingle of fondness for it now that she was leaving. And she was going to miss Dad, and of course Annabelle, and even Elizabeth the cat, but a new life was calling her. A life of mystery and adventure. A life of making up bed-time stories about vampires and zombies. A life of burping in the faces of bullies!

Just then, there was a gentle knock on the door. “I’m just coming, Mr Stink!” Chloe called out, as she threw the last ornamental owl into her bag.

The door opened slowly. Chloe turned around and gasped.

It wasn’t Mr Stink.

It was Mother. She stood in the corridor, her eyes red from crying. A tear was running down her cheek and a little plastic snowman dangled incongruously above her head.

“My darling Chloe,” she spluttered. “Mr Stink just told me you wanted to leave home. Please. I beg you, don’t go.”

Chloe had never seen Mother looking so sad. Suddenly, she felt a little guilty. “I, er, just thought you wouldn’t mind,” she said.

“Mind? I couldn’t bear it if you left.” Mother started sobbing now. This was so unlike her. It was as if Chloe was looking at another person entirely.

“What did Mr Stink say to you?” she asked.

“The old man gave me a good talking to,” said Mother. “Said how unhappy you’ve been at home. How I had to work at being a better mother. He told me how he’d lost his own family, and if I wasn’t careful, I was going to lose you. I felt so ashamed. I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye on things Chloe, but I do love you. I really do.”

Chloe was horrified. She’d thought Mr Stink was just going to ask if she could go with him, but instead he’d made Mother cry. She was furious with him. This wasn’t the plan at all!

And just then, Mr Stink appeared solemnly in the doorway. He stood a pace behind Mother.

“I’m sorry Chloe,” he ventured. “I hope you can forgive me.”

“Why did you say what you did?” she asked angrily. “I thought we were going to wander the world together.”

Mr Stink smiled kindly. “Maybe one day you’ll wander the world on your own,” he said. “But for now, trust me, you need your family. I would give anything to have mine back. Anything.”

Mother’s legs looked like they were going to give way, and she stumbled towards Chloe’s bed. She sat there and wept, hiding her face in shame at her tears. Chloe looked at Mr Stink silently for a long time. Deep down, she knew he was right.

“Of course I forgive you,” she said to him finally, and he smiled that eye-twinkling smile of his.

Then she softly sat down next to her mother and put an arm around her.

“And I love you too, Mum. Very much.”

24 Yuckety Yuck Yuck (#ulink_10a8cfdf-49fb-59c6-b46f-73f18a899f96)

It was well into the night on Christmas Eve now, and down in the living room, Dad waved a large festive assortment tin under Mr Stink’s nose. “Would you like a biscuit?” he asked.

Dad had already scoffed quite a few, having been hiding in the room under the stairs again all day with only a couple of slices of dry bread to keep him going. Mr Stink eyed the contents of the tin with disgust.

“Have you any stale ones?” he asked. “Maybe with just a hint of mould?”

“I don’t think so, sorry,” replied Dad.

“No thank you then,” said Mr Stink. He patted the Duchess, who was sitting on his lap, trading evil looks across the coffee table with Elizabeth. The family cat was bundled up in a towel on Annabelle’s lap, still recovering from her ‘swim’.

“Never mind about the biscuits,” said Annabelle. “I want to know what you said to the Prime Minister’s offer?”

“Chloe told him to stick it up his—”

“We told him he wasn’t interested,” interjected Chloe hastily. “So maybe you can still stand to be the local MP, Mum.”

“Oh no, I don’t want to,” said Mum. “Not after I humiliated myself on television.”

“But now you’ve met Mr Stink and seen how other people live their lives you could try to make things better for people,” suggested Chloe.

“Well, perhaps I could try and stand again at the next election,” said Mother. “Though I will have to change my policies. Especially the one about the homeless. I am sorry I got it so wrong.”

“And the one about the unemployed, eh, Dad?” said Chloe.

“What’s this?” said Mother.

“Thank you, Chloe,” said Dad sarcastically. “Well, I didn’t want to tell you, but the car factory looks like it’s going to close soon and it had to let most of us go.”

“So you are…?” asked Mother incredulous.

“Unemployed, yes. Or ‘dole scum’ as you might say. I was too scared to tell you so I’ve been hiding in the room under the stairs for the last month.”

“What do you mean, you were too scared to tell me? I love you, and I always will, whether you’ve got a job at the stupid car factory or not.”

Dad put his arm around her and she nuzzled up her head to meet his lips with hers. Their kiss lingered for a few moments, as Chloe and Annabelle looked on with a mixture of pride and embarrassment. Your parents kissing. Nice but somehow yuck. Them snogging is even worse. Yuckety yuck yuck.