Armageddon Outta Here - The World of Skulduggery Pleasant

“You just have to get to know me,” she said. “Are we going to stand around talking all night, or are we going to do this ransom thing?”

“The skeleton should be here,” the third goblin, Fintan, mumbled.

“Shut up,” Liam barked. “We’ll settle that later. Right now, give her the brats. I want to see that gold.”

Colm and Fintan walked forward, bringing with them an interesting aroma of dried sweat and boiled cabbage. They put the babies on the ground, close to Valkyrie, and the babies gurgled and made baby noises.

The goblins stepped back, rejoined their brother.

“Now,” Liam said with a snaggle-toothed smile, “give us our payment.”

“And then you’ll let us go?”

“Of course.”

“Why don’t I believe you?”

Liam shrugged. “A deal’s a deal – we held up our part, now you have to do the same.”

If things turned nasty, Valkyrie would only be able to scoop up one of the kids before the goblins were on her. The goblins didn’t look very fast, so she’d probably be able to beat them to the door, but it would mean leaving two babies here. She didn’t see any alternative, however, and the goblins’ patience was running out.

She tossed the bag, and Liam caught it and yanked open the drawstring. He let the gold coins spill out into his hand.

Fintan licked his lips. “They real? Liam, they real?”

Liam put one of the coins in his mouth and sucked on it a moment, then reached his grimy fingers between his lips to retrieve it. “It’s gold,” he said happily. His wide eyes glinted.

“Pleasure doing business,” Valkyrie said, hunkering down to the kids.

“You’re not leaving,” said Liam.

Valkyrie sighed. “Is this a double-cross?”

“That’s what this is. It’d be better if the skeleton was here instead of you, but when we send him your head, wrapped up in a pretty bow, he’ll come looking for us and we’ll get him then.”

“You have issues with Skulduggery?”

“We hate him,” Fintan snarled. “He’s the one responsible for turning us into creatures of slime and bad breath.”

“I see,” said Valkyrie. “Before you kill me, can I ask you a question?”

Liam laughed. “Go ahead.”

“Thank you. My question is, what makes you think I came alone?”

Liam’s smile faded. “What?”

“You know Skulduggery, right? You’ve gone up against him before. You know how smart he is.”

“Not that smart,” Colm grumbled.

“And he knows you,” Valkyrie continued. “He knows how treacherous you are, and he’s told me how you never keep your side of a bargain, and how you always double-cross …”

Liam frowned. “So?”

“So smile, goblin. Skulduggery Pleasant has been here all along, and tonight’s the night when he gets to kick your green and wrinkly little—”

There was a crash on the roof above them and the rotten wood splintered and gave, and Skulduggery fell through and hit the ground with his face.

“Oh my God,” he muttered as he lay there. “Oh my God, that hurt.”

Valkyrie hesitated. No one made a move, and no one made a sound. Even the babies had stopped gurgling. The goblins grinned. Valkyrie chewed her lip.

“This is … slightly unexpected,” she said.

Skulduggery Pleasant, the skeleton detective, his blue suit ripped and streaked with dirt, rolled on to his back and groaned. If his skull had features, they would surely be twisted in pain. “Don’t move,” he managed to say. “You’re all under arrest.”

The goblins laughed.

“You think you’re the only one with back-up?” Liam grinned at Valkyrie. “You think you’re the only one with a surprise?”

Valkyrie glared at him. “So who’ve you got out there? More of your little buddies? Some assassins? Couple of monsters, maybe? Because I have to tell you, we’ve faced them all, and we keep winning.”

“No assassins,” Liam said. “No monsters. Just Peg.”

“Who’s Peg?”

Liam sneered. “Oh, of course, you haven’t met our sister, have you? Peg’ll be the one who threw your friend there through the roof. Peg!”

A massive shape filled the doorway, and Peg the Ugly Goblin stepped in. She was twice Valkyrie’s height, and had legs as wide as tree trunks, and arms as wide as her legs. Her body was a solid slab of meat, clothed in what appeared to be a half dozen grimy wedding dresses sewn together, and her hair hung long and lank over her face.

Skulduggery got unsteadily to his feet. “Don’t worry,” he told Valkyrie. “I have her on the ropes now.”

“She threw you over a church,” Valkyrie pointed out.

For a moment he was silent. And then he said, “Not all the way over.”

“Skuluggy,” Peg moaned. “Oo uv me.”

Valkyrie frowned. “Did she just say what I think she said?”

Skulduggery shook his head quickly. “No.”

Peg took another few steps inside. Her brothers cackled and let her pass.

“Skuluggy,” Peg moaned again. “I uv oo.”

Skulduggery glanced at Valkyrie. “OK. She may have a thing for me.”