A Pickle for the Knowing Ones

Wishing your Lordship health in perpetuity – a continuance of your admirable reasoning faculties – good spirits, and an abundance of wealth – and finally a safe passage over any river not with Sticks, but a pleasure boat, I remain yours with the utmost profundity.

    W. CARLTON.

The Right Honorable Lord Dexter,

Kt. Newburyport.

The follering peases are not my Riting but very drole

    TIMOTHY DEXTER

Mr. Melcher,

Your publishing the following extract from a letter said to be from a trader among the Indians to a friend, may amuse some of your customers for the Gazette.

A few days ago one of the Indians paid me a visit. After some conversation, he said that a minister from the United States had been with his tribe to teach them the Christian religion. He says that there is but one only living and true God, who is a good, wise, and powerful spirit (this Indian say too) and that there are three persons in the god head, of one substance and power, God the father, God the Son and God the Holy Ghost, that the Father is of none, neither begotten, or proceeding, the Son is eternally begotten of the Father, the Holy Ghost eternally proceeding from the Father and the Son, and that the Holy Ghost visited a virgin, and conveyed the Son into her; where he continued nine moons and then was born like other children, was born God and man, that when he was about thirty years old began to preach, but the great men no like his preaching, sent their warriors, who took and killed him.

Indians ask what all this talk mean, he say that the first man and woman broke God's law in eating what God had forbidden, that therefore they and all the children that should proceed from them must die, and be punished after death forever; that the Son came and died to save some of mankind from being punished after death. Oh! 'trange that man could kill God the Son, and that his death be of service to mankind – great many people die before the Son of God, and did not know any thing about him – it was then asked whether his dying would do poor Indians any good; he say yes, if they believe; then me say that pappoose no believe them do no good; he say you must leave that with God, and believe for yourself – one say it is hard to believe such 'tories; if Indian tell such 'trange things, the white people no believe um.

A curious Sermon, by the Rev. Mr. Hyberdin, which he made at the request of certain thieves that robbed him on a hill near Hartlgrow, in Hampshire, (England) in their presence and at that instant.

I greatly marvel that any man will disgrace thieving, and think that the doers thereof are worthy of death, considering it as a thing that cometh near unto virtue, being used in all countries, and allowed by God himself; the thing which I cannot compendiously show unto you at so short a warning, and on so sharp an occasion. I must desire you, gentle audience of thieves, to take in good part what at this time cometh into my mind, not doubting but that you, through your good knowledge, are able to add much more unto it, than this which I shall now offer unto you.

First, Fortitude and stoutness of courage, and also boldness of mind, is commended of some men to be a virtue; which being granted, who is there then that will not judge thieves to be virtuous? For they are of all men the most stout and hardy, and the most void of fear; for thieving is a thing usual among all men; for not only you that are here present, but also many others in divers places, both men, women and children, rich and poor, are daily of the faculty, as the hangman at Newgate can testify; and that it is allowed of by God himself is evident from Scripture; For if you examine the whole course of the Bible you will find that thieves have been beloved of God; for Jacob, when he came out of Mesopotamia, did steal his uncle Laban's kids. The same Jacob did also steal his brother Esau's blessing; and yet God said, I have chosen Jacob and refused Esau. The children of Israel, when they came out of Egypt, did steal the Egyptian's jewels of silver and jewels of gold, as God commanded them to do.

David, in the days of Abiathar, the high priest, came into the temple and stole the hallowed bread; and yet God said, "David is a man after my own heart." Christ himself, when he was here on earth, did take an ass and colt that was none of his; and yet God said, "This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased." Thus you see that God delighted in thieves.

But most of all I marvel that men can despise thieves, whereas in many points you be like Christ himself; for Christ had no dwelling place no more than you – Christ at length was caught, and so will you – he went to hell and so will you. In this you differ from him, for he rose and went into heaven – so you will never do without God's great mercy, which God grant you. To whom with the Father, Son and Holy Ghost, be all honor and glory, for ever and ever. Amen.

From the Providence Phœnix of December, 1804

MARQUIS OF NEWBURYPORT!!

[On Monday last arrived in this town the most noble and illustrious Lord TIMOTHY DEXTER, of Newburyport, Massachusetts, who has since his arrival requested the publication of the following stanzas in this day's paper, as a humble tribute to the incomprehensible majesty of his name! While they serve as a brilliant specimen of the gifted talents and admirable sublimity of the Laureat, from whose pen they flowed, the virtuoso in genealogies, and the worshippers of noble rank and boundless fortune may derive a rich and delicious satisfaction from the subject to which they are devoted!

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OF THE CELEBRATED LORD DEXTER

LORD DEXTER is a man of fame,
Most celebrated is his name;
More precious far than gold that's pure,
Lord Dexter live for evermore.

His noble house it shines more bright
Than Lebanon's most pleasant height,
Never was one who step'd therein
Who wanted to come out again.

His house is fill'd with sweet perfumes,
Rich furniture doth fill his rooms;
Inside and out it is adorn'd,
And on the top an eagle's form'd.

His house is white and trimm'd with green,
For many miles it may be seen;
It shines as bright as any star,
The fame of it has spread afar.

Lord Dexter, thou, whose name alone
Shines brighter than king George's throne;
Thy name shall stand in books of fame,
And Princes shall his name proclaim.

Lord Dexter hath a coach beside,
In pomp and splendor he doth ride;
The horses champ the silver bitt,
And throw the foam around their feet.

The images around him stand,
For they were made by his command;
Looking to see Lord Dexter come,
With fixed eyes they see him home.

Four lions stand to guard the door,
With their mouths open to devour
All enemies who do disturb
Lord Dexter or his shady grove.

Lord Dexter, like king Solomon,
Hath gold and silver by the ton,
And bells to churches he hath given,
To worship the great king of heaven.

His mighty deeds they are so great,
He's honor'd both by church and state,
And when he comes all must give way,
To let Lord Dexter bear the sway.

When Dexter dies all things shall droop,
Lord East, Lord West, Lord North shall stoop,
And then Lord South with pomp shall come,
And bear his body to the tomb.

His tomb most charming to behold,
A thousand sweets it doth unfold;
When Dexter dies shall willows weep,
And mourning friends shall fill the street.