Beyond the Storm

‘I’m sure, Papa.’

‘Otto and Karin like you. What possible reason is there to give up a good position at a time like this? You young people have no stamina.’

‘There were problems, Papa.’

She wishes she could tell her father the truth.

‘Problems, problems – you think no one else has problems? Have you even thought about your mother and how this will upset her?’

* * *

Although Jakob has not been able to complete his architectural training, he is offered a position as a clerk in a firm of Zurich architects. He has no option but to accept it, though Anna knows he finds it beneath him. She is able to present testimonials from her work as a nanny and governess, including – to her great shame – a glowing one from Karin. These enable her to find a job as an assistant at a kindergarten. Jakob also makes the necessary arrangements with a discreet maternity clinic in Zurich.

Esther and Reuben visit Switzerland from time to time, on the pretext of ‘walking expeditions’. Esther’s visits mean everything to Anna; she misses her parents desperately – it will be many months before she can see them again. Jakob and Anna live simply in a clean but modest apartment block. They rent one small room, and share a tiny kitchen and bathroom with four other families. They spend little, saving as much as possible for the journey ahead.

The year 1935 is an exceptionally hot summer and Anna becomes tired and depressed by the final month, when she has to give up her job. Despite having agreed readily to the baby’s adoption at first, as the time draws near, she is taken over by a sick foreboding. She tries not to visualise the baby as a child, but rather as the unfortunate by-product of a mistake. Yet as her belly grows, the baby makes its presence felt more and more, kicking and turning. Sometimes a part of its body pushes against the wall of her stomach. She finds herself responding involuntarily, by stroking what must be a foot, or a tiny elbow, and smiling. She stops hastily if she notices Jakob watching her. Anna dreads the birth. As long as she is pregnant, the child inside her is hers alone.

Anna grows increasingly quiet and withdrawn as the birth draws near. Finally, one night, she gently touches Jakob awake and whispers, ‘It’s coming.’

She is wheeled into a delivery room, while Jakob is told to wait outside, his face pale and drawn. At this most monumental event of her life, they are separate. It is the beginning of a pattern that will continue for years to come, one she is powerless to alter.

Anna screams. Jakob, alone outside, is agonised by sounds he is unable to interpret fully. He leaps to his feet, his heart pounding unevenly, his fists clenched. Every now and then one of the nurses leaves the room to tell Jakob that all is going as it should, all is well.

At last the struggle is over. Jakob hears a thin wailing sound. He leans against the closed door, sobbing. The sound that comes next is more disturbing, a strange primitive howling, like a wild animal in extreme pain. The door is flung open and the noise envelops Jakob. He realises it comes from Anna. A nurse scurries past him, holding a small bundle. She pauses in front of Jakob, revealing a tiny monkey-like face in the white shawl.

Jakob tries everything. He brings Anna small delicacies to try to tempt her to eat, suggests outings to the mountains or to Bodensee, even tries being stern with her. She remains distant, silent, wan. They have agreed never to speak of the events of the past months. She is grateful for that. Sometimes at night she wakes trembling and sweating.