The Invisible Guardian

‘You’re frozen, my love.’

She smiled, nuzzling her nose into his jersey and inhaling the scent of his skin. Ros and Aunt Engrasi came out of the kitchen carrying glasses, dishes, bread and a tureen of soup.

‘I hope you’re hungry, Amaia, because your aunt’s made enough food to feed an army.’

Aunt Engrasi’s footsteps may have been slightly slower than they were at Christmas, but her mind was as clear as ever. Amaia smiled tenderly as she noticed this detail and her aunt snapped at her, ‘Don’t look at me like that, I’m not slow, it’s these damn shoes your sister gave me that are two sizes too big. If I pick my feet up I’m likely to go flying so I have to walk as if I’m wearing a dirty nappy.’

They chatted while they ate, with James telling jokes in his American accent and Aunt Engrasi sharing the local gossip, but Amaia couldn’t help noticing the deep sadness that lay behind the smile with which Ros tried to follow the conversation and the way she tried to avoid eye contact with her sister.

While James and her aunt took the plates through to the kitchen, Amaia caught her sister’s attention with just a few words.

‘I was at the workshop today.’

Ros looked at her as she sat down again with an expression that revealed both her disappointment and relief at being found out.

‘What did she tell you? Or rather, how did she tell you?’

‘In her own way. As she does everything. She told me that they’re going to bring out her second book, that they’ve brought up the possibility of a television show, that she is the backbone of the family, a paragon of virtue and the only person in the whole world who knows the meaning of the word responsibility,’ she recited the litany in an exaggerated sing-song voice until she managed to make Ros smile.

‘… And she also told me that you don’t work at the workshop anymore and that you have serious problems with your husband.’

‘Amaia … I’m sorry that you found out that way, perhaps I should have told you sooner, but it’s something that I’m working through bit by bit, something that I have to do by myself, that I should have done a long time ago. Anyway, I didn’t want to worry you.’

‘Don’t be daft, you know worrying is part of my job description and I’m good at my job. As for the rest, I agree with you, I don’t know how you managed to work with her for so long.’

‘I suppose it was all there was. I didn’t have any other options.’

‘What are you trying to say? We all have more than one option, Ros.’

‘We’re not all like you, Amaia. I suppose it was what was expected, that we would continue to run the workshop.’

‘Are you trying to reproach me for something? Because if that’s the case …’

‘Don’t take this the wrong way, but when you went it was as if I didn’t have any choice.’

‘That’s not true, you have a choice now and you had a choice then.’

‘When Aita died, Ama started behaving very strangely, I suppose it was the first symptoms of Alzheimer’s, and I suddenly found myself trapped between the responsibility Flora demanded of me, Ama’s episodes and Freddy … I suppose at that point Freddy seemed like an escape route.’

‘And what’s changed now? Because there’s something you mustn’t forget, and that’s that although Flora might act like the owner and boss of the workshop, it’s as much yours as it is hers, and I gave up my share to you two on that condition. You’re as capable of running the company as she is.’

‘That may be so, but it’s more than just Flora and work at the moment, it’s not only because of her, although she has played her part. I suddenly felt like I was drowning there, listening to her and her litany of complaints every day. On top of the problems in my personal life it was just unbearable. Having to go there every morning and listen to the same old story made me so anxious I felt physically ill and emotionally drained. But somehow I also felt as calm and clear-headed as ever. Determined, that’s the word. And all of a sudden, as if the heavens had opened and sent me a sign, it all became clear: I wasn’t going to go back, I didn’t go back, and I won’t go back, at least not for the time being.’

Amaia brought her hands up to head height and began to clap slowly and rhythmically.

‘Well done, Ros, well done.’

Ros smiled and gave a mock curtsey.

‘And now what?’

‘I’m working at an aluminium factory, keeping the accounts. I manage the payroll and organise the weekly diary, arrange the meetings. Eight hours a day, Monday to Friday, and when I leave the office I forget all about it. It’s nothing to get too excited about, but it’s just what I need right now.’

‘And what about Freddy?’

‘It’s bad, really bad,’ she said, biting her lip and shaking her head.

‘Is that why you’re here, staying with Aunt Engrasi?’ She didn’t answer. ‘Why don’t you tell him to leave? When all’s said and done, it’s your house.’

‘I’ve already told him, but he refuses to even consider moving out. Since I left he spends all day going from the bed to the sofa and the sofa to the bed, drinking beer, playing on the PlayStation and smoking joints,’ said Ros with disgust.

‘That’s what Flora called him, “The PlayStation champion”. Where’s he getting the money from? Surely you’re not …?’

‘No, that’s all stopped, his mother gives him money and his friends keep him well supplied.’

‘I can pay him a visit if you want. You know what Aunt Engrasi says, a man with plenty to eat and drink can go a long time without working,’ said Amaia, laughing.

‘Yes,’ replied Ros with a smile, ‘she’s absolutely right, but no. This is exactly what I wanted to avoid. Let me sort things out, I will sort them out, I promise.’

‘You’re not going to go back to him, are you?’ said Amaia, looking her in the eye.

‘No, I’m not going back.’

For a moment Amaia wasn’t convinced. Then she realised her doubt must be showing on her face and was reminded of Flora and her lack of faith in other people. She made herself smile openly.

‘I’m glad for you, Ros,’ she said with all the conviction she could muster.

‘That part of my life is behind me now, and that’s something that neither Flora nor Freddy can understand. Me changing jobs at this point is incomprehensible to Flora, but at thirty-five years of age, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life working under my older sister’s yoke. Putting up with the same reproaches every day, the same snide comments and malicious remarks, as she shares her poison with the whole world. And Freddy … I suppose it’s not his fault. For a long time I thought that he was the answer to all my questions, that he’d have the magic formula, a kind of revelation that would give me a new way of living. So opposite to everyone else, so rebellious, a non-conformist, and most of all, so different to Ama and Flora, and with that ability to really irritate her,’ she smiled mischievously.

‘That’s true. The guy does have the ability to get on Flora’s nerves, and I like him just for that,’ replied Amaia.

‘Until I realised that Freddy isn’t so different after all. That his rebellion and his refusal to accept the rules are nothing more than a cloak to hide a coward, a good-for-nothing capable of giving forth like Che against the evils of consumer society while spending the money that he wheedles out of his mother or me on getting stoned. I think it’s the only thing on which I agree with Flora: he is the PlayStation champion; if he was paid money for it, he’d be one of the richest men in the country.’

Amaia looked at her with tenderness.

‘At a certain point, I found myself on a different path to the one we’d been on together. I knew I wanted a different way of life and that there had to be something more to life than spending every weekend drinking beer at Xanti’s bar. That, and having children. Perhaps that’s the real issue, because as soon as I decided to change my way of living, having a child suddenly became really important to me, an urgent need, my role in life. I’m not an idiot, Amaia, I didn’t want to have a child only to bring it up in a cloud of smoke from all the joints, but even so, I stopped taking the pills and hoped, as if everything would just happen according to a plan drawn up by destiny.’ Her face darkened, and her eyes seemed to lose their sparkle. ‘But it wasn’t to be, Amaia; it looks like I can’t have children either,’ she said in a whisper. ‘I got more and more desperate as the months passed without my falling pregnant. Freddy told me that perhaps it was for the best, that we were fine as we were. I didn’t answer him, but the rest of the night while he was asleep, snoring at my side, a voice was thundering inside me saying, “No, absolutely not, I am not fine like this.” And the voice kept thundering in my head while I got dressed to go to the workshop, while I dealt with the telephone orders, while I listened to Flora’s tireless litany of reproaches. And that day, when I hung my white overall in my locker, I already knew I wouldn’t go back. While Freddy was moving onto the next level of Resident Evil and I was warming the soup for supper, I also realised that my life with him was over. Just like that, without shouting or tears.’

‘You shouldn’t be embarrassed, tears are necessary sometimes.’

‘That’s true, but the time for tears had passed, my eyes had run dry from crying so much while he snored away beside me. From crying with shame and understanding that I was ashamed of him, that I could never be proud of the man at my side. Something broke inside me, and what had, until that point, been pure desperation to save our relationship became a war-cry from somewhere very deep inside me, and it condemned him. Most people are mistaken; they believe you can go from love to hate in a moment, that love suddenly breaks down, as if your heart had imploded. But, that’s not how it was for me. The love didn’t suddenly break down, but I had a sudden realisation that I had wasted myself in a relentless sanding-down process, scritch, scratch, scritch, scratch, day after day. And that was the day when I realised that there was nothing left. It was more like suddenly seeing something that has been there all along. Making those decisions made me feel free for the first time in a long time, and that’s made things straightforward for me, but neither your sister nor my husband were prepared to let me go that easily. You’d be surprised by how similar their arguments, their reproaches, their tricks were … because the two of them played tricks, you know, and they used the very same words.’ She smiled bitterly as she remembered them. ‘Where are you going to go? Do you think you’ll find something better? And, finally: who will love you? They’d never believe it, but although their tricks were designed to undermine my conviction, they had just the opposite effect: I saw how small and cowardly they were, so inept, and anything seemed possible, easier without them dragging me down. I wasn’t sure about everything, but at least I had an answer to the last question: I am; I’m going to love myself and take care of myself.’

‘I’m proud of you,’ said Amaia, hugging her. ‘Don’t forget you can count on me, I’ve always loved you.’

‘I know you have, and James, Aunt Engrasi, Aita and even Ama, in her own way. The only one who didn’t really value me was me.’

‘Then love yourself, Ros Salazar.’

‘There’s been a change there, too: I prefer people to call me Rosaura.’