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King Dong
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2018
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King Dong
Edgar Rider Ragged
A new and original take on the iconic story of man meets giant ape in the biggest and hairiest parody of all time…Just as Skull Island hits the big screen in an exciting and re-imagined format, comes the true story behind the world's biggest and hairiest love story.The intrepid explorer Indiana Bones (so-called for his passion for energetic archaeology) is hired to track down King Dong, legendary for his sheer massiveness (nudge nudge, wink wink). Accompanied by his gay best friend, fey Ray, and the platinum blonde Ann Darling, there to lure Dong into the open, they set off into uncharted territory. As the story develops, dodging intrusions from dinosaurs, Nazis, Orcs and a myriad of characters and plots from movies both classic and contemporary, it inevitably leads up to a king-sized climax and lots of monkeying around on an American landmark – yes, Dong climbs the famous Hollywood sign and is buzzed by spaceships.All very silly, this must-have humour title apes a number of bestselling spoofs in the best traditions of Bored of Rings, Barry Trotter, The Matewix and Star Bores.
KING DONG
by
Edgar Rider Ragged
Copyright (#ulink_eb258821-864d-5738-86f2-7ceb9fed0dd3)
This novel is a work of fiction. The names, characters, places and incidents are products of the author’s imagination and are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons or primates, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
HarperNonFiction
A division of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd. 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF www.harpercollins.co.uk (http://www.harpercollins.co.uk/)
Published by HarperCollinsPublishers 2005
Copyright © Edgar Rider Ragged 2005
Edgar Rider Ragged asserts the immoral right to remain unidentified.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this ebook on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.
HarperCollinsPublishers has made every reasonable effort to ensure that any picture content and written content in this ebook has been included or removed in accordance with all contractual and technological constraints in operation at the time of publication
Source ISBN: 9780007208128
Ebook Edition © Jul 2013 ISBN: 9780007524686
Version: 2017-01-18
Epigraph (#ulink_fea5ea7e-58a5-5a9e-8e4d-4ddfa1a1ee77)
And the Prophet said, And lo, the Beast looked upon the face of Beauty. And Beauty said unto the Beast, ‘You lookin’ at me, pal? Stitch that!’ And from that day, the Beast was as one dead.
Old Glaswegian proverb
Table of Contents
Title Page (#u496e6bec-54cf-5147-9eb5-fe535da32322)
Copyright (#u626f381d-e1d0-5d44-bcbb-2d96f9242863)
Epigraph (#u5abc5300-e65b-5786-909c-eca25308c5fc)
CHAPTER ONE Rumbuggery on the Lash (#uc4a3b4e7-e5b9-52d1-be4e-fc1b4889dda1)
CHAPTER TWO Deadman’s Tales (#uf58369fb-2f77-5df6-a6c7-0b880e784426)
CHAPTER THREE A Motley Crew (#u0cc9aa41-eb07-5698-9d4e-a32fb5d5edb9)
CHAPTER FOUR Bones of Contention (#uddc9ef58-007c-5aed-b171-7ae6b630a89e)
CHAPTER FIVE Tall Tales and a Big Whopper (#ud73bbbfa-46de-5efe-bbff-b87d8479e470)
CHAPTER SIX Welcome to Dongland (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER SEVEN By Hook and by Crook (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER EIGHT Virgin and the Ridiculous (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER NINE A Taste of Marzipan (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER TEN Monkey Business (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER ELEVEN Heeerrre’s Dongie! (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER TWELVE Beauty and the Beast? (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER THIRTEEN Gorilla Warfare (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER FOURTEEN Plots and Pans (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER FIFTEEN Do Drop In (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER SIXTEEN Dong Goes Ape (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN Sing Alonga Dong (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN Dong Flops (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER NINETEEN So Long, Dong (#litres_trial_promo)
Epilogue (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER ONE Rumbuggery on the Lash (#ulink_d984ded8-ac24-596b-b41d-531c9fb16104)
In the bustling port of Old Hokum, an old tramp lay against the quay, filthy, neglected, rust-streaked and leaking from every seam.
The ship that loomed above him was in pretty poor shape, too.
Seeing the bobbing approach of a watchman’s lantern, the old tramp corked the brown bottle he had been holding to his cracked lips and croaked out a hail. ‘Say, friend, what ship is that?’
The watchman was bored, and disposed to be chatty. ‘The Vulture. Sailing tomorrow.’
Edgar Rider Ragged
A new and original take on the iconic story of man meets giant ape in the biggest and hairiest parody of all time…Just as Skull Island hits the big screen in an exciting and re-imagined format, comes the true story behind the world's biggest and hairiest love story.The intrepid explorer Indiana Bones (so-called for his passion for energetic archaeology) is hired to track down King Dong, legendary for his sheer massiveness (nudge nudge, wink wink). Accompanied by his gay best friend, fey Ray, and the platinum blonde Ann Darling, there to lure Dong into the open, they set off into uncharted territory. As the story develops, dodging intrusions from dinosaurs, Nazis, Orcs and a myriad of characters and plots from movies both classic and contemporary, it inevitably leads up to a king-sized climax and lots of monkeying around on an American landmark – yes, Dong climbs the famous Hollywood sign and is buzzed by spaceships.All very silly, this must-have humour title apes a number of bestselling spoofs in the best traditions of Bored of Rings, Barry Trotter, The Matewix and Star Bores.
KING DONG
by
Edgar Rider Ragged
Copyright (#ulink_eb258821-864d-5738-86f2-7ceb9fed0dd3)
This novel is a work of fiction. The names, characters, places and incidents are products of the author’s imagination and are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons or primates, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
HarperNonFiction
A division of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd. 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF www.harpercollins.co.uk (http://www.harpercollins.co.uk/)
Published by HarperCollinsPublishers 2005
Copyright © Edgar Rider Ragged 2005
Edgar Rider Ragged asserts the immoral right to remain unidentified.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this ebook on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.
HarperCollinsPublishers has made every reasonable effort to ensure that any picture content and written content in this ebook has been included or removed in accordance with all contractual and technological constraints in operation at the time of publication
Source ISBN: 9780007208128
Ebook Edition © Jul 2013 ISBN: 9780007524686
Version: 2017-01-18
Epigraph (#ulink_fea5ea7e-58a5-5a9e-8e4d-4ddfa1a1ee77)
And the Prophet said, And lo, the Beast looked upon the face of Beauty. And Beauty said unto the Beast, ‘You lookin’ at me, pal? Stitch that!’ And from that day, the Beast was as one dead.
Old Glaswegian proverb
Table of Contents
Title Page (#u496e6bec-54cf-5147-9eb5-fe535da32322)
Copyright (#u626f381d-e1d0-5d44-bcbb-2d96f9242863)
Epigraph (#u5abc5300-e65b-5786-909c-eca25308c5fc)
CHAPTER ONE Rumbuggery on the Lash (#uc4a3b4e7-e5b9-52d1-be4e-fc1b4889dda1)
CHAPTER TWO Deadman’s Tales (#uf58369fb-2f77-5df6-a6c7-0b880e784426)
CHAPTER THREE A Motley Crew (#u0cc9aa41-eb07-5698-9d4e-a32fb5d5edb9)
CHAPTER FOUR Bones of Contention (#uddc9ef58-007c-5aed-b171-7ae6b630a89e)
CHAPTER FIVE Tall Tales and a Big Whopper (#ud73bbbfa-46de-5efe-bbff-b87d8479e470)
CHAPTER SIX Welcome to Dongland (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER SEVEN By Hook and by Crook (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER EIGHT Virgin and the Ridiculous (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER NINE A Taste of Marzipan (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER TEN Monkey Business (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER ELEVEN Heeerrre’s Dongie! (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER TWELVE Beauty and the Beast? (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER THIRTEEN Gorilla Warfare (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER FOURTEEN Plots and Pans (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER FIFTEEN Do Drop In (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER SIXTEEN Dong Goes Ape (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN Sing Alonga Dong (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN Dong Flops (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER NINETEEN So Long, Dong (#litres_trial_promo)
Epilogue (#litres_trial_promo)
About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER ONE Rumbuggery on the Lash (#ulink_d984ded8-ac24-596b-b41d-531c9fb16104)
In the bustling port of Old Hokum, an old tramp lay against the quay, filthy, neglected, rust-streaked and leaking from every seam.
The ship that loomed above him was in pretty poor shape, too.
Seeing the bobbing approach of a watchman’s lantern, the old tramp corked the brown bottle he had been holding to his cracked lips and croaked out a hail. ‘Say, friend, what ship is that?’
The watchman was bored, and disposed to be chatty. ‘The Vulture. Sailing tomorrow.’
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