The World’s Best Football Jokes

The World’s Best Football Jokes
Edward Phillips

Sick as a parrot becasue the big match has been cancelled or the TV’s broken down? Then this brilliant collection of the very best football jokes ever will soon have you over the moon – and rolling in the aisles.A group of flies were playing football in a saucer, using a lump of sugar as a ball. One of them said, ‘We’ll have to do better than this, lads – we’re playing in the cup tomorrow!’Whether you are a football widow or a fanatical follower of the game, an aspiring World Cup star or a part-time referee, this book contains all you ever need to know about the trials, tribualations – and hilarities – of this great British sport.

COPYRIGHT (#ulink_474930b8-a5a9-5b30-bf33-ee1f8f0ff4d3)

HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk (http://www.harpercollins.co.uk/)

This edition published in 1993

First published in Great Britain by Fontana 1991

Copyright © Edward Phillips 1991

Cover by Tony Blundell

Illustrations © Graham Morris 1991

Edward Phillips asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

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Source ISBN: 9780006379621

Ebook Edition © JUNE 2016 ISBN: 9780008191986

Version: 2016-06-21

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS (#ulink_1dbb8233-b78b-550e-9c5a-f0241c3e3e08)

Many people have assisted me with favourite football stories and anecdotes for this book and I should particularly like to thank the following:

Andrew Mitchell, Conservative MP for Gedling (Nottingham); Matthew Sturgis, football writer for the Independent; John Motson, BBC sports commentator; Des MacHale, Professor of Mathematics, University College, Cork; Ken Friar, Managing Director, Arsenal FC; John Howarth, Club Secretary, Blackburn Rovers FC; Brian Anderson, Club Secretary, Darlington FC; Bob Twyford, Club Secretary, Bristol Rovers FC; T. F. Newman, Club Secretary, Bradford City FC; Bill Kenyon, Club Secretary, Rochdale FC; George Binns, Club Secretary, and Ken O’Doherty, player, both of Huddersfield Town FC; J. T. Cale, Club Secretary, Oldham Athletic FC; Matthew Chiles, Administration Assistant, West Bromwich Albion FC; Brian Naysmith, Chief Executive, Fulham FC; John Adams, Vice-Chairman and Vic Jobson, Chairman, both of Southend United FC; R. Briggs of R. J. S. Programmes, Cleethorpes.

I am also grateful to Private Eye for giving me permission to use the extracts from the ‘Colemanballs’ series of commentators’ gaffes.

CONTENTS

Cover (#ua3565f6c-7dc2-5cba-a8e3-7e6d2eda7441)

Title Page (#u60a63ebe-9845-5d53-8acc-d73aaa30e48f)

Copyright (#ulink_4f32f4c9-9ad7-59b3-8780-e66a67ea93cc)

Acknowledgements (#ulink_3a49b901-feb4-5261-ad55-61e356af5652)

The World’s Best Football Jokes (#ulink_f9777182-ae0e-5769-8a40-f14594a591cf)

Keep Reading (#litres_trial_promo)

Also in the Series (#litres_trial_promo)

About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)

THE WORLD’S BEST FOOTBALL JOKES (#ulink_aef15b16-67c9-5ed3-92da-7be96b976f7c)

‘It’s a funny old game, football,’ as the captain said to the manager after his team had been trounced 6–0 in an important relegation match.

To which the manager replied grimly, ‘Yes – but it isn’t meant to be!’

What is football? It has been described as a game with twenty-two players, two linesmen and 20,000 referees.

One of the most famous footballers of all time is the legendary Stanley Matthews, who played for Blackpool and Stoke City at outside-right. It was said of him that he was so fast that when he went to bed at night, he could turn out the light at the bedroom door and be under the blankets before the room got dark.

A Scottish captain once lent the referee a coin for the toss and demanded his whistle as security.

Why do Pakistanis make very poor footballers? Every time you give them a corner they open a shop on it.

A desperate manager, whose team had lost fourteen consecutive games, rang a colleague for advice on training methods.

‘I’ll tell you what you should do,’ said his friend. ‘Take the team out on a six-mile run every day.’

‘What’s the point of that?’ asked the manager.

‘Today’s Monday,’ was the reply. ‘By Saturday, they’ll be thirty-six miles away and you can forget all about them!’

The manager of a club way down at the bottom of the Fourth Division placed eleven dustbins in formation on the pitch and had his team practise dribbling around them and passing between them before shooting for goal. After just one session he had to abandon this method of training for reasons of team morale: the dustbins won 6–0.

A match between two non-League teams took place last winter in the North of England. It had been raining heavily all week and the ground resembled a swamp. However, the referee ruled that play was possible and tossed the coin to determine ends. The visiting captain won the toss and, after a moment’s thought, said, ‘OK – we’ll take the shallow end!’

The following instruction recently appeared on the notice-board of a large car factory in Cowley: ALL APPLICATIONS FOR LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR FAMILY BEREAVEMENTS, SICKNESS, JURY DUTY, ETC., MUST BE HANDED IN TO THE PERSONNEL MANAGER NO LATER THAN 6 P.M. ON THE DAY PRECEDING THE MATCH.

A goalkeeper had had a particularly bad season and announced that he was retiring from professional football. In a television interview he was asked his reasons for quitting the game. ‘Well, basically,’ he said, ‘it’s a question of illness and fatigue.’

‘Can you be more specific?’ asked the interviewer.

‘Well,’ said the player, ‘specifically the fans are sick and tired of me.’

Over breakfast one morning, a little boy kept staring intently at his grandfather. ‘Is anything the matter, son?’ the old man asked.