The World’s Best Sailing Jokes

The World’s Best Sailing Jokes
Edward Phillips

When he’s not negotiating his way around a sand bar, there’s nothing a sailor likes more than propping up the bar – and telling tall tales and saucy jokes.The World’s Best Sailing Jokes is the ultimate collection of nautical naughtiness, quayside quips and high-seas hilarity for everyone from salty sea dogs to the youngest yachtsmen.

Copyright (#ulink_2f6f17d5-9b48-517a-b767-f1b581d6a44c)

Fourth Estate

An Imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd.

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk (http://www.harpercollins.co.uk/)

Copyright © Edward Phillips 1996

Illustrations © Andy Hunt 1996

Edward Phillips asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

Photoset in Linotron Goudy Old Style by Rowland Phototypesetting Limited Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this ebook on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins ebooks

HarperCollinsPublishers has made every reasonable effort to ensure that any picture content and written content in this ebook has been included or removed in accordance with the contractual and technological constraints in operation at the time of publication

Source ISBN: 9780006387121

Ebook Edition © JUNE 2016 ISBN: 9780008192006

Version: 2016-09-28

Contents

Cover (#u721be0f5-a556-5d24-bdd5-f41955a91cb1)

Title Page (#uc98228fd-dd77-5375-a2e5-8c408aa25ba4)

Copyright (#ulink_c0ebfa94-e69b-5882-b2ba-2873c9978f2b)

Acknowledgements (#ulink_f8048eb7-6e71-5607-b201-19a2918eb63c)

Epigraph (#ulink_782ae3de-3146-55ea-a554-8a7e8be6a5c0)

The World’s Best Sailing Jokes (#ulink_ca949873-7869-51e0-89b3-56d59484addd)

Keep Reading (#litres_trial_promo)

Also Available (#litres_trial_promo)

About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)

Acknowledgements (#ulink_ba26e2e6-140d-5f92-8baf-40ca4aefa50c)

My thanks are due to Alan Williams and M. Kilcoyne for their contributions to this collection of sailing anecdotes.

Epigraph (#ulink_39a78cbd-4da5-5653-98df-b96db186512d)

‘There is nothing – absolutely nothing – half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats.’

KENNETH GRAHAME

The Wind in the Willows

The World’s Best Sailing Jokes (#ulink_34460727-0015-5a77-afee-64e8a285df07)

An Irishman went out alone in a small skiff and ran into bad weather. His craft foundered on a reef and he waited several hours before he was finally spotted and rescued. When they saw his radio, the rescuers asked why he hadn’t sent out an S.O.S. ‘I would have done,’ he replied, ‘but I didn’t know how to spell it.’

For many months, the first mate had reported to the captain’s cabin first thing every morning, and each time he had seen the captain unlock a drawer in his desk, glance at a piece of paper inside, and then lock the drawer again. He was greatly puzzled by this, but didn’t like to mention it to the skipper. One day, the captain, who was getting on in years, sadly passed away. Amongst his effects was the key to the mysterious drawer, and overcome by curiosity, the first mate took the opportunity to unlock that drawer. Inside was a single piece of paper bearing the words: ‘PORT IS LEFT, STARBOARD IS RIGHT.’

On the first morning at sea, the captain had just finished welcoming the cruise passengers on the ship’s loudspeaker system. Forgetting that he hadn’t turned off the microphone, he turned to his second-in-command and said, ‘That’s that! Now I’ll just have a coffee and then go and lay that new red-headed stewardess in cabin seventeen!’ The stewardess in question was busy in the dining saloon and on hearing the captain’s words, she blushed bright scarlet and ran off to the bridge to tell the captain to turn off his mike. ‘There’s no need to rush, dear,’ said a kind old lady as she passed. ‘The captain said he was going to have a cup of coffee first.’

There is an old Irish cure for seasickness: ‘Sit under a tree.’

Offshore sailing is a very character-building pursuit. If there’s anything in you at all, the sea will bring it out.

An amateur sailor’s skiff was stuck on a sandbar. He spotted a couple of his mates in a dinghy nearby and shouted, ‘I’m stuck on a sandbar! I’ll have to wait till the tide comes in. When you get back, can you tell my wife I’ll be late home.’ When his friends got back on shore, they called round to the sailor’s wife and said, ‘Bill won’t be home for several hours. He’s stuck over a bar.’ ‘Typical,’ said the wife. ‘Which pub is he in this time?’

What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with a boat?

To the other side.

And what do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?’

About half-way across.

Malone was out in a boat with his friend Paddy McGinty. Suddenly the boat sprang a leak at one end. Paddy made another hole next to it, saying, ‘It’s all right, Malone – this’ll let the water out!’ Malone smiled and said, ‘I’m not worried, Paddy – it’s not leaking at my end!’

During the Second World War, the captain of a destroyer lying in Portsmouth Harbour noticed a fisherman rowing alongside in his boat, towing a German mine. ‘What the hell do you think you’re playing at?’ yelled the captain. ‘Keep that damn thing away from this boat!’ The fisherman shouted, ‘Don’t worry, skipper – I’ve knocked the horns off with me boat-hook!’

The skipper of an old tramp steamer was very meticulous about the accuracy of his entries in the log. One evening, when the ship was in port, the mate came back on board ship very late and very much the worse for drink. The skipper duly entered the details in the log: ‘Mate drunk today.’ When the mate protested, the skipper said, ‘Well, it was true and I had to record it.’ A few days later, it was the mate’s turn to make the entries in the log, and he duly entered the following observation: ‘Captain sober today.’ The skipper said, ‘How dare you write that in the logbook!’ To which the mate replied, ‘Well, it was true so I had to record it!’

One night, some miles out in the Channel, the captain of a fishing smack went below with his crew for supper, leaving the wheel in the charge of a very inexperienced cabin boy. Before going below, the skipper assured the lad, ‘Don’t worry, son – you’ll be all right. Just steer by that star up there.’ Unfortunately, the cabin boy soon ran the ship off course so the star in question lay astern instead of ahead. Panic-stricken, the lad shouted down, ‘Hey, Skipper, come and find us another star – I’ve passed the first one!’

The members of an exclusive South Coast yacht club were all local businesmen. The owner of the largest yacht found himself one man short on the eve of a big race, and he persuaded a non-sailing acquaintance to stand in for the missing crew member. As the yacht set off on the first leg of the race, the skipper yelled, ‘Let go that jib-sheet!’ ‘What are you talking about!’ came the indignant reply. ‘I’m not touching the damn thing!’