The Bee's Bayonet (a Little Honey and a Little Sting)

And on my Royal Yacht, my guest and I
Watched the maneuvres as my ships passed by.
'De-lighted, Bill!' the Hardy Hunter shouted—
'With such a fleet I'd have the whole world routed;
And with your armies I would soon disperse
The Fighting Units of the Universe!'
Such praise was pleasing to my ears, altho
My Wasps and Devil-fish I didn't show:
I deemed it best to meld this 'hundred aces'
When all my ships and men were in their places.
Had he seen these, I knew he would advise
The conquest of the Earth and Seas and Skies:
But, Shades of Bismarck! that, you understand
Might prove a strain upon the Fatherland.
And so I kept the Peace, but thought about
The many martial plans we figured out;
And how the cost of my Frontier Defences
Compared with his proposed campaign expenses.
You see, Mein Heir, this man was full of guile
And caused the War: this Bey of Oyster Isle.
He hypnotized me: put it in my mind
To be the Potentate of all Mankind!
So blame me not! The fault I must disown,
And put the guilt on Theodore alone!
Whatever comes anon, I'm not whipped yet!
And with it all, I have but one regret—
That he was not impressed to lead my drive
To Petersburg to take the Czar alive;
And then, a Marshal, ordered to Paree
To capture it and bring it back to me;
Then take my fleet, the English Channel over
And put King George to rout and bombard Dover;
And then supplant the Sultan, take his Fez
And lead my peerless Forces to Suez.
While you have failed, and Hindenburg and Mack,
He never fizzles when he makes attack.
See what I've missed! for, see what he has done!
And yet his vast campaign is just begun.
He leads his Legions, Bull Moose, Calf and Cow
To capture a Convention even now."

An orderly approached the Royal Pair
Just at this stage and left despatches there.
He stood at close attention, hand to head,
While this absorbing cablegram was read—
"Outflanked and captured; resignation tendered;
Mooses dehorned and all the herd surrendered!
Am looking for another job already,—
Would take the German Presidency—Teddy."

The Kaiser turned, looked at the Prince and wept,
While noxious gases o'er the bulwarks crept.

LOVE'S RECOMPENSE

"Do you really, truly love me, with a love that mocks at Fate?"
Cried the rustic, buxom maiden to her lover at the gate;
"Yes, my Pet! And when Dame Fortune smiles upon us we will wed;
I will strew your path with roses: Bear me witness, Gods o'erhead!"
Thus he spake unto his sweetheart, under Heaven's starry blue,
And the angels, smiling on him, heard his vow to "e'er be true."
Then he placed his arms around her—kissed her: they were in a trance!
And two soles toward Heav'n were lifted as the bulldog grabbed his pants.

ADAM'S ALE

Come, Comrades, gather 'round the festal board
And quaff the sparkling Water from the gourd!
This is the drink that Adam's Tribe imbibed
Before the Wines of Gath were diatribed.
(Methinks some other brand was drunk by Cain
The day that Abel ruthlessly was slain.)
And won, against all other potions there,
The First White Ribbon at the Gaza Fair.
You'll never know, until you take a sip
Its power to soothe, and cool the fevered lip.
Had Noah stuck to water he would shine
As undisputed Master of the Brine.
The Water-wagon that he launched, at first
Steered Noah straight but didn't cure his thirst:
So when he spoke the Ararat Café
He soon fell off,—his rudder washed away.
But wallward turn the picture you're beholding
And hang more cheerful paintings on the moulding!
Behold a watercolor of eclat!
This, fair Rebecca had the skill to draw:
She stands beside the well and plies the sweep,
While sweat and blushes o'er her features creep.
Such grace and poise, such strength and skill,
Such sweeping gestures and unbending will
Are indices of Abstinence complete;
(We can't abstain from loving you, Petite!)
Upon her head she rests the dripping urn
And goes straight home: she doesn't dare to turn!
Don't stumble, Miss! Or suffer teasing boys
To cause derangement of your equipoise!
But keep your head and waver not at all
Lest you be deluged by the waterfall!
So daily to the pool Rebecca strayed
And drank the water, when she didn't wade: