The Rules: How to Capture the Heart of Mr Right

Some women complain that The Rules prevent them from being themselves or having fun. “Why should dating be work?” some ask. But when they end up alone on Saturday night because they did not follow The Rules, they always come back to us saying, “Okay, okay, tell me what to do.”

Doing what you want to do is not always in your best interest. On a job interview, you don’t act “like yourself.” You don’t eat cake if you’re serious about losing weight. Similarly, it is not wise to let it all hang out and break The Rules as soon as you begin dating a man.

In the long run, it’s not fun to break The Rules! You could easily end up alone. Think long term. Imagine a husband you love, beautiful sex, children, companionship, and growing old with someone who thinks you’re a great catch.

Think about never having to be alone on Saturday nights or having to ask your married friends to fix you up. Think about being a couple! Unfortunately, however, you must experience some delayed gratification in the first few months of the relationship to achieve this marital bliss. But has wearing your heart on your sleeve ever got you anywhere?

There are many books and theories on this subject. All make wonderful promises, but The Rules actually produce results. It’s easy to know what’s going on when you do The Rules. It’s very simple. If he calls you, pursues you, asks you out, it’s The Rules. If you have to make excuses for his behavior—for example, he didn’t call after the first date because he’s still hung up on his ex-girlfriend—and you have to think about every word he said until your head hurts and you call him, it’s not The Rules. Forget what he’s going through—for example, “fear of commitment” or “not ready for a relationship.” Remember, we don’t play therapist when we do The Rules. If he calls and asks you out, it’s The Rules. Anything else is conversation.

Chapter III (#ua4fc3f1a-c721-5f3d-ac7f-73aa35f284b1)

Meet a Rules Girl (#ua4fc3f1a-c721-5f3d-ac7f-73aa35f284b1)

If you had ever met Melanie, you wouldn’t have thought she was extraordinarily pretty or smart or special, but you might have noticed that she had a way of behaving around men that put prom queens to shame. Melanie did the best with what she had: she wore makeup and clothes well, and acted elusive. Unlike other, prettier girls who ran after men or made themselves available every time a man called, Melanie acted indifferent—sometimes aloof, sometimes nice, but always happy and busy. She didn’t return their calls, didn’t stare at them (a dead giveaway of interest, see Rule 3), and always ended phone conversations first. “I’ve got a million things to do” was her favourite closing line. Melanie’s boyfriend eventually proposed to the one girl he thought he would never get—her!

Who hasn’t met a Melanie? Haven’t we all known women who seemed to be experts around men? Men don’t appear to unnerve these women or trip them up. They have a certain self-confidence around men that has nothing to do with their looks or their jobs. Melanies simply feel good about themselves—they can take or leave men—which makes men have to have them. Call it reverse psychology or whatever you want, but Melanies always get their man.

When you meet a Melanie, especially a plain and simple Melanie, you want to go up to her and ask, “What is it, what are you doing that make men run after you? What’s your secret? What am I doing wrong?” A genuine Melanie would probably say without too much thought, “Oh, it’s really nothing.” The born-again Melanies—former Rules breakers who have learned their lesson after being burned by chasing men—would probably say, “Yes, there is a secret. Men love a challenge. Don’t talk to them first, be busy sometimes, turn them down once in a while (nicely!).”

You will find Melanies everywhere you go. Watch them carefully. Observe how they have made self-contentment and independence an art form. They don’t look wildly around to catch men’s eyes. They don’t say hello first. They just go about their business.

It would probably be good practice the next time you are at a social event to stand back and watch the Melanies and The Rules breakers. Compare how the two types of women behave around men and notice the results. Notice how the Melanies intentionally don’t carry a pen with them in order to give men their phone numbers and they don’t rush to give their business cards. Notice the way they move around the room while The Rules breakers stand too long in one place, look anxious, or talk too long to one man. They make it too easy for men to ask them out—and, as you will read in this book, that’s a big mistake.

One day, after years of watching girls like Melanie snag the men of our dreams, we asked Melanie how she got such a great catch. She took pity on us and told us about The Rules. She said that we were nice but we talked too much and were over eager, and that we mistakenly tried to be “friends” with men rather than elusive butterflies, or, as she put it, “creatures unlike any other” (see Rule 1).

Needless to say, we were offended by what seemed to us to be downright trickery and manipulation. The Rules would send women back twenty-five years. What would the feminists say? On the other hand, Melanie had what we wanted: the husband of her dreams who adored her. It made sense to rethink our offended psyches!

Melanie assured us that plain-looking women who followed The Rules stood a better chance of being happily married than gorgeous women who didn’t. Thinking back on our own dating history, it did appear that the men we really wanted didn’t necessarily want us. We’d be ourselves, friendly and supportive, and they thought we were great—but it ended right there. And, come to think of it, the ones we didn’t particularly care for, the ones we didn’t notice, maybe even snubbed, were the ones who didn’t stop calling, the ones who were crazy about us. There was a message here somewhere: treat the men we wanted like the men we didn’t want.

Simple, but not easy. But what did we have to lose? We wanted what Melanie had. So we did what she did, and—it worked!

Chapter IV (#litres_trial_promo)

But First the Product—You! (#litres_trial_promo)

Before The Rules can be applied for the best, most unbelievable results—the man of your dreams asking you to marry him—you have to be the best you can be. Certainly not perfect or gorgeous, but the best you can be, so …

Look your best! The better you look, the better you will feel, and the more desirable you will become to him. Maybe other men will start finding you more attractive and asking you out. You will no longer feel that the man you’re currently dating is the only man on earth. You’ll be less anxious and more confident. And when you look and feel good, you’re less likely to break The Rules.

We are not nutritionists, but we do know that eating right—protein, fruits, and vegetables—makes you feel good. And that exercise releases endorphins which make you feel happier and more energetic. So, in addition to a healthy diet, we strongly suggest that you shake your buns! Join a gym, buy an exercise video, or go jogging in a nearby park (also a great place to meet men who are jogging or walking their dogs). Make exercise exciting by playing music while you do sit-ups.

Diet and exercise and The Rules have a lot in common. Both require putting long-term goals before short-term gratification. You will have to experience a certain amount of discomfort when you can’t eat a cream bun and you can’t call a man. But you want to be fit and you want to get married so you do what you have to do. Make friends with a woman in the same predicament and jog together, go to dances together, and reprimand each other when either of you is tempted to break The Rules. You don’t have to do all this hard work alone!

If you are serious about finding a husband, then you must change your definition of gratification. Gratification is a man calling you, pursuing you, and asking you to marry him. Gratification is not a hot fudge sundae or a hot date where you break The Rules!

Self-improvement will help you catch and keep a man. So try to change bad habits like slovenliness if you expect to live with a man. Men like women who are neat and clean. They also make better mothers of their children—the kind who don’t lose their kids at the beach.

Now a word about clothes. If you walk around in any old clothes on the theory that what counts is only what’s inside, not your outside, think again! Men like women who wear fashionable, sexy clothes in bright colors. Why not please them?

If you don’t know a lot about clothes, read fashion magazines like Cosmopolitan and Vogue, and books on the subject; consult a friend whose taste you admire; or enlist the help of a personal shopper at a department store. Trying on clothes by yourself in a dressing room can be overwhelming and confusing—not to mention painful if you are out of shape—so it’s always good to get a second opinion. Why not a professional one? Personal shoppers can help you find clothes that look good on you and that hide your flaws, as opposed to clothes that are perhaps trendy but not flattering.

Always remember when you are shopping that you are unique, a creature unlike any other, a woman. Don’t aspire to the unisex look. Buy feminine-looking clothes to wear on the weekends as well as during the workweek. Remember that you’re dressing for men, not other women, so always strive to look feminine.

While it’s good to keep up with the times, don’t be a fashion slave. Don’t spend a month’s salary, say, on bell bottoms and clogs just because they happen to be in vogue this year. First of all, they may not be around next season, and, more importantly, you may not look good in them! We know women who have gone overboard with one look—be it man-tailored suits or oversized crocheted sweaters—and ended up looking overdressed, trendy, and not at all sexy. Be a smart shopper, not a runaway spender! Buy a few good classics and mix them with cheaper items.

Keep in mind that just because something is in vogue doesn’t mean that it will look good on you or appeal to men. Men don’t necessarily care for the “waif” look or like it when women wear long granny dresses and combat boots, however popular the look may be. They like women in feminine clothes. Wear a short skirt (but not too short), if you have the legs for it.

Also, don’t feel that you have to wear designer clothes to attract men. Men don’t care whose label you’re wearing, just how your clothes look and fit on you. It’s better to buy a no-name brand that looks stunning and hides your hips than a designer outfit that doesn’t.

While you’re shopping in a department store, stop by a cosmetics counter and treat yourself to a makeover. We can all look better than we do. Many of us don’t realize our potential until we get a makeover, which, by the way, is often given for free with a minimal purchase. Pay attention to which colors are good for you and how the makeup artist applies them. Buy whatever he or she suggests that you can afford and go home and practice putting it on. Don’t leave the house without wearing makeup. Put lipstick on even when you go jogging!

Do everything you possibly can to put your best face forward. If you have a bad nose, get a nose job; colour grey hair; grow your hair long. Men prefer long hair, something to play with and caress. It doesn’t matter what your hairdresser and friends think. You’re certainly not trying to attract them! Let’s face it, hairdressers are notorious for pushing exciting, short haircuts on their clients; trimming long hair is not fun for them. It doesn’t matter that short hair is easier to wash and dry or that your hair is very thin. The point is, we’re girls! We don’t want to look like boys.

It will be easier to feel like a creature unlike any other if you follow good grooming. Manicures, pedicures, periodic facials, and massages should become part of your routine. And don’t forget to spray on an intoxicating perfume when you go out—just don’t overdo it.

Now that you look the part, you must act the part. Men like women. Don’t act like a man, even if you are head of your own company. Let him open the door. Be feminine. Don’t tell sarcastic jokes. Don’t be a loud, knee-slapping, hysterically funny girl. This is okay when you’re alone with your girlfriends. But when you’re with a man you like, be quiet and mysterious, act ladylike, cross your legs and smile. Don’t talk so much. Wear black sheer stockings and hike up your skirt to entice the opposite sex! You might feel offended by these suggestions and argue that this will suppress your intelligence or vivacious personality. You may feel that you won’t be able to be yourself, but men will love it!

In addition, don’t sound cynical or depressed and tell long-winded stories of all the people who have hurt you or let you down. Don’t make your prospective husband a saviour or therapist. On the contrary, act as if you were born happy. Don’t tell everything about yourself. Say thank you and please. Practice this ladylike behaviour with waiters, doormen, and even cab drivers who take the long way to your destination. This will make it easier to be ladylike on dates.

If you never meet men accidentally, go to everything—dances, tennis parties (even if you don’t play tennis), Club Med. Just go, go, go—show up! Put a personal ad in a magazine, answer ads, ask people to set you up. Don’t shy away from singles events with the rationalization that “The men who go there aren’t my type.” Remember, you are not trying to find large groups of men who are your type, just one! Don’t lose sight of this concept. It will keep you going on those bad days when you are convinced that true love is just never going to happen to you!

Last but not least, trust this process. You may not meet your husband immediately after you have gotten in shape, bought some terrific outfits, and practiced The Rules on three eligible men. It may not be your time. But it is our experience that if you continue to do The Rules at every opportunity and pray for patience, you will eventually meet and marry the man of your dreams.

Rule 1 (#litres_trial_promo)

Be a “Creature Unlike Any Other” (#litres_trial_promo)

Being a creature unlike any other is a state of mind. You don’t have to be rich, beautiful, or exceptionally smart to feel this way about yourself. And you don’t have to be born with this feeling either. It can be learned, practiced, and mastered, like all the other rules in this book.

Being a creature unlike any other is really an attitude, a sense of confidence and radiance that permeates your being from head to toe. It’s the way you smile (you light up the room), pause in between sentences (you don’t babble on and on out of nervousness), listen (attentively), look (demurely, never stare), breathe (slowly), stand (straight), and walk (briskly, with your shoulders back).

It doesn’t matter if you’re not a beauty queen, that you never finished college, or that you don’t keep up with current events. You still think you’re enough! You have more confidence than women with MBAs or money in the bank. You don’t grovel. You’re not desperate or anxious. You don’t date men who don’t want you. You trust in the abundance and goodness of the universe: if not him, someone better, you say. You don’t settle. You don’t chase anyone. You don’t use sex to make men love you. You believe in love and marriage. You’re not cynical. You don’t go to pieces when a relationship doesn’t work out. Instead, you get a manicure and go out on another date or to a singles dance. You’re an optimist. You brush away a tear so that it doesn’t smudge your makeup and you move on! Of course, that is not how you really feel. This is how you pretend you feel until it feels real. You act as if!

On a date, you never show that getting married is foremost on your mind. You’re cool. He may think you’ve turned down several marriage proposals. You sip—never slurp—your drink and let him find out all about you, instead of the other way around. Your answers are short, light, and flirtatious. Your gestures are soft and feminine. When your hair falls in front of your face, you tilt your head back and comb back your hair with your hand from the top of your head in a slow, sweeping motion.

All your movements—the way you excuse yourself to use the ladies room or look at your watch to end the date—are fluid and sexy, not jerky or self-conscious. You’ve been on many dates before; you’re a pro. That’s because you take care of yourself. You didn’t lie in bed depressed, eating cakes before the date. You took a bubble bath, read this book, and built up your soul with positive slogans like, “I’m a beautiful woman. I am enough.” You told yourself that you don’t have to do anything more on the date than show up. He’ll either love you or not. It’s not your fault if he doesn’t call again. You’re beautiful, inside and out. Someone else will love you if he doesn’t. All that matters is that you end the date first (see Rule 11).

When you go to singles dances or parties, you pump yourself up. You pretend you’re a movie star. You hold your head high and walk in as if you just flew in from Paris on the Concorde. You’re only in town for one night and if some lucky hunk doesn’t swoop down and grab you it’ll be his loss!

You get a drink, a Perrier perhaps, even if you’re not thirsty. It keeps your hands busy so you don’t bite your nails or twirl your hair out of nervousness. You don’t show that you’re nervous, even if you are. That’s the secret: you act as if everything’s great, even if you’re on the verge of flunking college or getting fired. You walk briskly, as if you know where you’re going, which is just around the room. You keep moving. You don’t stand in a corner waiting for anyone. They have to catch you in motion.

If you think you aren’t pretty, if you think other girls are better dressed or thinner or cooler, you keep it to yourself. You tell yourself, “Any man would be lucky to have me,” until it sinks in and you start to believe it. If a man approaches you, you smile and answer his questions very nicely without saying too much. You’re demure, a bit mysterious. You leave him hungry for more, as opposed to bored. After a few minutes you say, “I think I’ll walk around now.”

Most women hang around men all night waiting to be asked to dance. But you do The Rules. If he wants to be with you or get your phone number, he’ll search the crowded room until he finds you. You don’t offer him your pen or business card. You don’t make it easy for him. Don’t even carry them with you or you may be tempted to “help him out.” The reason is that he has to do all the work. As he scrambles around begging the coat-check girl for a pen, you stand by quietly. You think to yourself, “The Rules have begun!”

It’s that simple. You do The Rules and trust that one day a prince will notice that you’re different from all other women he’s known, and ask for your hand!

Rule 2 (#litres_trial_promo)