The Rules 2: More Rules to Live and Love By

Conversely, when you do The Rules on a man who initially showed interest, he gets to fall in love with you and value you. He does not take you for granted. Every phone call and date is precious. He never feels trapped or that you pressured him to marry you because he did the calling, the pursuing, the proposing.

Rules marriages are happy marriages. Rules husbands make wonderful partners for life. They are attentive and involved husbands and fathers. They change diapers, help the kids with their homework, and plan family vacations.

The Rules work. They really do. That’s why women who want to be happily married—or at the very least, in a loving relationship—are living by The Rules—and loving the results!

Chapter 2 (#ulink_a6abd246-d039-5b7a-a2d3-28ab2f131862)

Rules for Turning a Friend Into a Boyfriend (#ulink_a6abd246-d039-5b7a-a2d3-28ab2f131862)

You’ve been friends for ages. Now, for whatever reason, you’ve decided he’s The One. Can you turn a friend into a boyfriend?

Only if he really always liked you, but you or circumstances prevented the friendship from developing further. For example, you never wanted anything more until recently, or you were both dating other people. Maybe you couldn’t imagine him as a boyfriend because of age differences (he’s much older or younger than you), personality differences (he’s artsy, you’re a business-type), or you come from different backgrounds.

How can you be sure he always liked you as more than a friend if you’ve just been friends?

There are certain things a friend does or says when he is drawn to you. For example:

He always just happens to be in your neighborhood or business area. He likes to watch Friends in your apartment. He likes your TV set better. If you are coworkers, he’s frequently drinking water from the fountain near your desk. If you’re in college, he’s always hanging out outside of your dorm room or is often at the dining hall when you’re there.

The bottom line: when a man is attracted to you, he finds ways—excuses—to be near you. We’re not exaggerating when we say, whoever’s near you likes you! You don’t have to look far or wide to find him. He’s always hanging around. You can’t get rid of him!

When a friend wants to date you, he doesn’t talk about other women, even if he’s dating someone else. He never seems to notice other women, even your very attractive friend. If, in fact, he is attracted to other women, he tells everyone but you. Around you, the words will just not come out, they stick in his throat.

While he’s private about his own love life, he wants to know about yours and asks a lot of questions. He wants to know the type of guy you like to date and what you like to do on Saturday night. He makes it sound as if he’s just curious, no big deal, of course, but he’s really figuring out how he’s going to use that information to make a move one day. He thinks anyone you’re dating is not good enough for you. He’ll even put them down (“His father got him the job.”).

When a male friend is really interested in you, he tries to be helpful. He offers to show you how to play tennis or how to work the computer. He might help you move your stuff from one apartment to another or listen to your work or roommate problems without expecting anything in return. In fact, he never expects you to help him with anything, unless it’s an excuse to stay connected to you.

If he likes you as more than a friend, he’ll tease you, flirt with you, and make you laugh. He thinks your short-comings are cute.

He means more than he says. He tries to be cool around you, but he’s really quite nervous.

When a male friend is not interested in you romantically, he behaves quite differently. He’s calm, rational, matter-of-fact. You can take everything he does and says at face value.

He asks you for advice about dating another woman because he really wants your advice! He’s simply interested in a woman’s perspective. He’s not secretly in love with you or bringing it up to get closer to you. He talks freely about liking other women. He might even say in front of you, “She’s really cute.” He doesn’t think he could be hurting your feelings because you’re his friend. You’re like his sister—there’s no sexual undercurrent.

When a male friend likes you as a friend, he’s not that interested in your love life. He’s satisfied with your friendship. If you’re not dating anyone, he might offer to fix you up with someone, but he doesn’t want to go out with you himself. He doesn’t want to start anything, he feels no spark.

If you’re having a problem with the guy you’re dating, he will try to help you “work it out,” as opposed to helping you get out of the relationship! He’s not angry if he sees you with other men because he’s not interested in you romantically. He wants to see you happy. If he’s a little jealous when you have a boyfriend, it’s in the same way a close girlfriend might be. Your relationship reminds him of what he doesn’t have and takes time away from your friendship with him. It’s a friendship loss, not a romantic loss. This, however, doesn’t mean he wants you. You’d know if he did—if you thought about it honestly or read this chapter.

When a male friend is just a friend, he helps you as much as you help him. He’ll show you how to read a financial statement, you’ll teach him how to cook. Everything’s dutch treat. It’s a mutually beneficial relationship.

A male friend might even be your best friend—someone who would be there in a pinch if you ever needed him. He would lend you money to pay your rent, visit you in the hospital if you had an accident, or come to the funeral if a family member died. But he doesn’t look down the street when you walk away, try to stare at you when you’re not looking, or secretly dream about having sex with you. And such feelings on a man’s part are essential in the beginning of a romantic relationship!

If he likes you only as a friend, there is nothing you can do about becoming his girlfriend. Don’t try to convince him by having a heart-to-heart talk about your feelings because it will probably put a strain on your friendship. He will feel awkward or sorry for you, but he still won’t feel a spark. He may try a “let’s sleep together” once or twice. But it won’t mean much to him and you, if not both of you, will come to regret it.

Worse yet, the two of you may decide to date or even get married at your initiation. But because he never felt a spark, your marriage will be more of a friendship and if you want more than that you will constantly be unhappy. You will be doubting your looks and your sexuality and complain, “He never notices me.” Your self-confidence really plummets when you sleep with or get involved with a man who only really wanted a friendship. It’s a bad road to travel. Don’t even try it.

Just do The Rules—not to get him to like you since you can’t—but for your self-esteem. Do The Rules so that your whole life isn’t about this unavailable friend. Don’t call him. When he calls, get off the phone in ten minutes. Don’t play therapist when he talks about his girlfriend problems. More important, try to meet other men. You’re better off forcing yourself to go to social events to meet your possible husband than forcing yourself on this friend.

But if you think he may be interested in you, you can casually mention that you’re having boyfriend problems, not seeing your boyfriend anymore or that you’re not dating anyone in particular. See how he reacts. If he’s interested, he’ll ask you out, and then start doing The Rules.

Don’t talk to him like a friend—like Elaine on Seinfeld—but be light, feminine, and mysterious. Don’t tell him all your problems. Don’t start pursuing him with calls, notes, and dinner invitations. Don’t think you can say or do anything you want—call him whenever you feel like it or suddenly try to increase the time you spend together—because you were platonic friends. Concentrate on making your relationship a Rules relationship. Keep in mind, the dynamics will be a little different now. For example, if he’s from out-of-town and used to crashing on your couch when he visits you, now you should be the first to say, “It’s been great, but I have a really big day tomorrow,” and end the evenings first.

Now that you want him, you may be tempted to go to the other extreme—call him all the time, talk about your change of heart, refer to him as your soul mate, talk about marriage or the future—and drive him away. Men don’t like to be overwhelmed, even by women they like.

Many women who wake up one day and decide that their male friend is their soul mate have been known to come on too strong and overwhelm their friend. Remember, part of the reason he liked you is that you didn’t really notice him, and never pursued him! You’ve been a challenge—not because you were trying to do The Rules—but because you were truly not interested. You were naturally indifferent.

Therefore, when you start to date, you must not let the fact that he always liked you stop you from doing certain rules. For example, don’t see him at the last minute or all the time. Don’t start knitting him sweaters or talk about marriage or moving in. Okay, you’ve decided he’s The One. But until he’s decided you’re The One and courts you and proposes, you have to do The Rules—or you might ruin a good thing!

Chapter 3 (#ulink_3f1507a8-ed88-5d14-8851-e99faa18d246)

Second Chances—Rules for Getting Back an Ex (#ulink_3f1507a8-ed88-5d14-8851-e99faa18d246)

If you are someone who read The Rules and thought, “If only I had done The Rules on my old boyfriend” or “So that’s why he wouldn’t commit!” then this chapter is for you.

You may not have seen him in months or even years, but now you’re convinced he could have been The One. You didn’t know any better and you blew it … and now you could kick yourself! If only you had known The Rules back then!

You want him back. At the very least, you want to give the relationship a second chance. You want to do The Rules this time and see what happens. You’re wondering if there’s any hope. You want to know what to do next, if anything.

Before you make a move, take a deep breath, calm down, and forgive yourself. Realize that what you’re going through is very common—regretting the past, wishing you had behaved differently with a certain man, thinking he’s the one that got away and you’ll never meet anyone better. We’ve received hundreds of letters from women that begin with: “I wish I had had this book ten years ago when I was dating (fill in the blank).” These women either just didn’t know they should behave a certain way with men, or they instinctively knew they should but didn’t have the strength to do it without specific guidelines and support.

Of course all you care about now that you’ve read The Rules is, can you get him back?

It depends.

If you initiated the relationship—spoke to him first, asked him out—and he eventually ended it, then it’s not only over, it was never meant to be. Don’t call him or write him or try to contact him in any way to say you’ve changed and want a second chance. He didn’t really want you in the first place. Forget him and move on!

But if he pursued you and you broke rules—for example, you were possessive, saw him every night, or moved in with him and he broke it off because he felt suffocated—there may be hope. There’s one way to find out and we call it “One Call for Closure.”

Call him once when you’re sure he’s not home, so you get his answering machine. Calling when he’s not in is crucial; you don’t want to make him uncomfortable if he doesn’t want to hear from you or is involved with someone else or even married. Leaving a message also allows him to call you if and when he wants to, which is the best start for any conversation between you. Your message gives him time to think and the option of not calling, which you must give him. Of course, if his answering machine says, “We’re not home right now” and you hear a woman’s voice chiming in, do not leave a message. Leave him alone and go on with your life.

Assuming he’s not involved with someone, we suggest you leave the following message: “Hi, it’s (your name). I just wanted to say hello, to see how you’re doing. You can reach me at (phone number).” That’s it!

If you don’t hear from him, it’s over. Don’t call again to make sure he got the message. He got the message. His answering machine isn’t broken. Don’t write him or track him down at work, home, his favorite bar, or the gym. That’s called stalking. Forget all about him and move on. You must work on accepting the way he feels and not dwelling on the past and what might have been. Don’t berate yourself; if you were supposed to end up with him, you would have. Tell yourself there’s someone else out there for you, try to date others, and keep doing The Rules.

If he does call, don’t automatically assume he’s rekindling the romance. He might just be returning your call, being polite, nothing deep. So try not to get too excited or show how happy you are to hear from him. Be cool, cordial. Say, “Oh hi. How are you?” Don’t say, “I was hoping you’d call.”

If he asks why you called, just say, “Oh, I just wondered how you were doing and wanted to say hello.” Keep the conversation light … business, vacations, and so on. Don’t ask him if he ever thinks about you or misses you, if he’s seeing anyone new. After ten minutes, say, “Well, I have to get going. It was nice talking to you.” Don’t stay on the phone for thirty minutes or an hour, waiting and hoping he will suggest drinks. If he doesn’t ask you out within ten minutes, he’s not interested. Remember, if he is interested but needs more than ten minutes to ask out an ex-girlfriend, he can always call you again!

If he does ask you out, say yes if it’s for a future date—it need not be a Saturday night the first time you meet, but it should be at least three days in advance. You want to let him know that your life didn’t stop since the two of you split and that your calendar is full.

Your first date with an ex-boyfriend is very much like a first date with a man you just met. It’s almost like a new relationship, so let him pick you up and take you out.

Look very, very good when you meet him. Extra care with your makeup, pretty outfit. Don’t dress down as if it’s your 200th date, even if technically, it is. Be light, casual, upbeat. Needless to say, don’t have a heavy discussion about your relationship or the past, unless he brings up the subject. Even if he talks about the way it was, try not to dwell on it. Discuss general topics such as what you have both been doing professionally, if he still runs three miles every morning, and so on. Keep the date on a “let’s catch up” level, as opposed to “what you’ve been through since the breakup” level. By the way, you should not tell him how much or how little you’ve dated since the breakup. Be honest, but mysterious.

Don’t get terribly serious. Don’t tell him that you now realize all the mistakes you’ve made since the relationship with him ended and how much you’ve changed and how you want another chance. It’s too intense. Besides, it’s easy to tell someone how much you’ve changed. The important part is actually being a changed person when he dates you!

Don’t tell him that you’ve read The Rules and now realize what you did wrong—that you were too needy, that you shouldn’t have gotten mad when he went out with the guys, and that you’ll never be that way again. Simply be light. Try to be the girl he originally fell in love with.