The Rules 2: More Rules to Live and Love By

If you see him on a whim, the relationship will become too casual. He won’t think you’re special enough to plan in advance to see you. In addition, if you allow the relationship to be on a coworker level, it could take him years to propose. We know a very attractive woman who accepted last-minute dates from a man she worked with. Several times a week at 6:00 P.M. he would drop by her desk and suggest having drinks. She always said yes. He also couldn’t commit to Saturday night dates until Friday or Saturday because he “wasn’t sure what he was doing.” She accepted his behavior because she didn’t know there was a better way. It took him six years to propose and their marriage is troubled; he never seems to really make the effort, and she feels taken for granted. So, just because you work at the same company doesn’t mean he can see you whenever he feels like it. Don’t make it so easy for him. He has to ask you out in advance—otherwise, you’re busy! If you work closely together, you should sometimes disappear at lunch hour. Don’t tell him where you’re going. Remember, he works with you and dates you—that can get a little all-consuming, so you must be doubly careful to remain a little mysterious!

4. Be discreet. Don’t talk about the relationship with coworkers. If anyone asks you what you did over the weekend, don’t say, “David and I went hiking.” Just say that you went hiking. Don’t answer any questions with “we.” It may hurt your career to be the subject of office gossip. It’s not good for the relationship, either, since no man likes to date a big mouth. Men love privacy. Anything coworkers know about the relationship should come from him! Likewise, don’t volunteer information to him. For example, don’t tell him where you’re going on a business trip or who you’re having a meeting with unless he specifically asks about either.

5. If you need to talk to the man you are dating about business—perhaps he’s your boss—by all means, talk to him! Always be professional and return his calls promptly if it is a business matter. Just check your motives. Is it really necessary to contact him, or are you looking for an excuse to be with him? For example, don’t knock on his door to tell him about concert tickets or a lecture on personal growth! If it is work-related, keep the conversation brief and end it first.

If possible, leave the information with his secretary or in his “in box.” Write any memos or notes in a businesslike manner. Do not leave love-notes or cute Post-it’s on his desk. If he needs to talk to you, he can always come to your office or leave you a note!

6. He can E-mail you as much as he wants, but don’t E-mail him back every time unless it is business-related. On all nonbusiness E-mails, once for every four of his E-mails is a good rule of thumb. Remember, keep your E-mails brief and breezy and stick to business. This is important, because you never know who has access to your E-mail—it may be read by the head of the company, so keep all romance off the screen and save it for Saturday nights.

7. Don’t snoop around his office. You shouldn’t even be near his office! Don’t ask his secretary who calls him or who he’s having lunch with and where. It’s none of your business. Besides, she might tell him and he will be annoyed and resent it.

8. Don’t make your office a shrine to your relationship. Don’t put his photo in a frame on your desk or keep the teddy bear he gave you for Valentine’s Day in your office after February 14. It’s best to be businesslike.

Speaking of your office, be neat. Neat is sexy. No one likes to date a slob. So don’t be a pack rat. Don’t have piles of paper on your desk or stash half-eaten sandwiches in your desk drawer. Don’t collect objects or hang memorabilia on the walls. Don’t decorate your office like a college dorm room. Don’t be cute or juvenile. Be professional.

9. Don’t kiss or hold hands at the office. Not only is it unprofessional, it’s not good for The Rules. He has to ask you out on a date to kiss you or spend quality time with you. Don’t agree to go to a hotel with him during your lunch hour. That’s not a date and he won’t respect you (and you’ll come back from lunch looking rumpled and unbusinesslike). No one wants a reputation—be careful that you don’t earn one. Again, he has to ask you out for the weekend for you to take dating him seriously!

10. Don’t sleep with your boss or coworker unless you’re in a committed relationship—not just for sex and not to further your career. Bad motives tend to backfire.

Keep in mind that The Rules don’t stop because you’re out of town. If you’re on a business trip together and it would be easy to have sex because you’re staying at the same hotel—still say no if you’re not in a committed relationship. It may seem tempting—you are away from the office, and who will know? But remember, eventually you have to return home—back to reality—and you’ll regret sleeping with him if he isn’t serious about you or ignores you when you return to the office.

11. Don’t hang out at the office at the end of the day or go to happy hour with the gang after work. You do not want to be thought of as the office party girl, but the kind of girl men marry. And of course don’t get drunk at the office Christmas party or at any other party. It’s hard to do The Rules when you’re drunk!

12. If you work in different cities for the same company, let him travel to visit you three times before you visit him. If you’re sent to his city on business, don’t mention getting together. He must suggest making plans. If things do get serious, you shouldn’t relocate until you have a commitment/wedding date.

13. Don’t stay at the company just because he works there. If you are not happy with your job or are interested in other opportunities, pursue them. We don’t hold ourselves back for a man. If it’s good for your career to leave the company, go! Doing what’s good for you will also show him you’re independent, not clingy. It might make him miss you and propose faster because he can’t see you everyday.

14. Do not suggest commuting together even if you live near each other and work at the same company. It must be his suggestion and you should turn him down sometimes just so he doesn’t take you for granted and so you can remain mysterious.

Married women have written to us asking how they should behave if they work with their husbands.

We hope they were either already working together when they met, or that it was their husband’s idea to work together. Women should never suggest working with their husbands as a way of spending more time with them or checking up on them. It’s not The Rules, and men hate it. You should only work with your husband if there is a legitimate reason to and/or it was his idea.

Regardless of why you are working together, here are five rules:

1. Do not suggest sharing an office or putting your desks near each other. Any togetherness must come from him.

2. Do not be the one to suggest commuting together.

3. Do not suggest having lunch together. You both need some time apart during the day.

4. Don’t spy on him, don’t ask his secretary who called, or get upset if he talks to other women.

5. Don’t bring up personal business at the office and discourage him if he does. Be professional. Do your job!

Chapter 6 (#ulink_0279163f-3866-594a-acca-b1b34055af6b)

Long-Distance Relationships. Part I: How They Should Start (#ulink_0279163f-3866-594a-acca-b1b34055af6b)

Many questions arise in long-distance relationships that don’t come up when dating a man closer to home. But before going into the specific rules for these relationships, it’s important to talk about the mistakes women make when they first meet a man from out-of-town—mistakes that can easily prevent a long-distance Rules relationship from ever developing. As we have said before, it’s the first encounter—who spoke to whom first, how long the conversation lasted, and who ended it first—that often determines whether it’s a Rules relationship or not.

Let’s look at some typical scenarios:

You meet a man at a mutual friend’s wedding in Atlanta. You’re from New York and he’s from Chicago. He comes up to you and asks you to dance. It’s The Rules! You like him a lot. You dance one dance and then another and then another. You feel glued to his side.

You know you should really walk away, say hello to some college friends you haven’t talked to in years, but you don’t. You figure the two of you live miles apart, who knows if you’ll ever see him again, so what’s the harm with spending five hours with him?

He asks you to join him for dessert. You say yes. Then he invites you to take a walk with him around the grounds. You agree. He takes your phone number at the end of the evening, kisses you good-bye, and says something about calling you in a few days, maybe visiting New York.

You’re in love. You fly back home and tell your friends and your mother, and start thinking about your own wedding.

But because you broke The Rules by spending so much time with him, he either never calls, or calls after a week or two just to say hello but doesn’t make plans to see you. Or he calls and asks you to fly to Chicago to see him, or makes plans to see you in New York but only because he’s going to be there on business anyway. Naturally, you feel hurt and disappointed. Why doesn’t he sound crazy about you? Why doesn’t he want to jump on a plane and see you right away?

Looking back on the evening—and after reading The Rules—you realize that you didn’t play hard to get. You spent five straight hours with him. He knew you liked him and the challenge was gone.

We’re not saying that had you walked away or turned him down a couple of times for dances that he would definitely call and pursue a long-distance relationship. Maybe he has a girlfriend in Chicago, maybe he just wanted to have fun at the wedding—nothing more, nothing less.

But by not doing The Rules, you lessened your chances, you got your hopes up, and you got emotionally involved and hurt. If he was interested and you were more elusive, chances are he would have thought about you on the plane ride home, missed you in Chicago, called sooner, and made plans to see you in New York, even if he didn’t have a business trip there.

In the future, when you meet someone at a wedding or party whom you may never see again, don’t spend the entire evening with him. Talk to him for fifteen to twenty minutes, dance with him a couple of times, and then excuse yourself to use the ladies’ room or say hello to a friend or just walk around for a while. He should be looking for you during the evening and trying to pin you down for another dance.

When you spend four or five hours with a man you just met, he no longer finds you as mysterious or interesting, even if he made the first move. When he goes back home, he may not think you’re that special or dream about seeing you again because you were too available.

The same goes for meeting a man on a business trip. Let’s say you meet a man at a conference. He notices you, strikes up a conversation, and asks you to have dinner with him that evening since he’s leaving town the next morning. You say yes because he’s cute and maybe something will start. You tell yourself you may never cross paths again—he’s from Boston and you’re from San Diego—and you weren’t going to do anything special for dinner anyway but order room service and HBO.

The Rules answer is to say, “Thank you, but I already have plans.” Why? Because if you see him at the last minute, even if it’s convenient for both of you, some of the challenge evaporates. If he’s interested in you, let him call you and make special plans to visit you. If he can see you at a moment’s notice, he won’t have to long for you and pursue you and whatever interest he had in you may fizzle.

Don’t think we’re being overly strict about this. We see it happen time and time again. A woman meets a man at a business function or a party who says he’s in town for just a few days and wants to take her to dinner that very night. He’s totally charming and makes her feel special. She tells herself that she would really be missing something if she turned him down. He won’t be in town again for another month.

He’s a sexy movie producer or a plastic surgeon with offices on both coasts. She says yes—maybe it’s just dinner, maybe she sleeps with him—and she thinks this is the beginning of a whirlwind bicoastal courtship.

The reality is, it may not be. He may be lying. He may be in town for another week, but figures this way he’ll get what he wants right away. Or he may be married and this is his standard pickup line when he’s out of town. There are men who have a girl in every port. You don’t want to be one of them. But even if he’s sincere, single, and really likes you, the answer is still no to a last-minute date. You think if you say no, he’ll forget you. But Rules girls know that he’ll remember you that much more if you turn him down.

So the next time you meet a man who asks you to dinner the same night because he’s in town just a few days, say, “I’d love to, but I have other plans.” Let him call you in advance the next time he plans to be in town or make a special trip to see you.

The only way to know if a man is really interested in you—instead of just filling up a few hours—is to not accept a last-minute date. When you make him wait several days to see you or you make him wait until he’s in town again a month later, he gets to experience longing. If his feelings about you are just lukewarm, he won’t bother to make a date beforehand—by following The Rules, you’ll avoid wasting your time and having your hopes dashed later on. We know quite a few women who were full of hope, but then never heard from Mr. Bicoastal again.

Here’s another common long-distance scenario. You meet Mr. Right on the first day of a seven-day vacation. Perhaps you’re from different cities in the United States and you meet on a Club Med trip. He speaks to you first, asks you out for that night, and wants to be with you for all seven days and nights. You think, why not? He’s cute. This is the whirlwind romance you always read about and dreamed about.