A Burlesque Translation of Homer

Would glad the heart of Jew or Turk;
Why then the borough may stand firm
A thousand years, or any term;
May back recall its old renown,
And once more be a market-town.

Whilst thus he preach'd, his angry queen
With Pallas whispering was seen;
And as they jabber'd pate to pate,
Against poor Troy express'd their hate
The boxing vixen, though in wrath,
Yet holds her peace, and nothing saith;
Nor would, had Jove preach'd e'er so long,
For heavenly wisdom rul'd her tongue;
She prudent acts; not so Jove's wife,
Whose joy consists in noise and strife.

Begun: Don't think your dunder-pate
Shall use your queen at such a rate:
On whoring Troy I've made just war;
Have rous'd my Grecians near and far;
My post-chaise rattled many a mile,
My peacocks sweating all the while;
And all to bring destruction on
This perjur'd, lying, whoring[4 - Whoring. You see Juno keeps continually harping on that word: we may judge from thence, she came in for small share of the labours of these whoring Trojans; but Venus did. There was one Anchises, a twice five-fingered Trojan, that (as old stories say) used to thrum her jacket. Æneas was the produce of their leisure hours.] town.
But spouse my cares and toils derides;
Because they're rogues, he's on their sides;
To punish rogues in grain refuses,
And thus his loving wife abuses:
Though, if the gods will take my side,
In spite of Jove I'll trim their hide.

At this same speech you cannot wonder
The thunder-driver look'd like thunder:
He wav'd his locks, and fit to choke
With rage, he to his vixen spoke:

Why, how now, hussy! whence this hate
To Priam and the Trojan state?
Can mortal scoundrels thee perplex,
And the great brim of brimstones vex,
That thou should'st make such woeful pother,
And Troy's whole race desire to smother;
Then level, out of female spite,
Their spires, with weather-cocks so bright;
And all because that rogue on Ida
Fancy'd your mouth an inch too wide-a?
Pray how can I the varlet blame,
Who fifty times have thought the same?[5 - The same. Here Juno overlooks a very severe rub of Jupiter's, because he directly gives her leave to satiate her revenge: had it not been for that, it is thought he would hardly have escaped without a scratched face at least, or perhaps the loss of an eye.]
But for this once I'll give thee string
Enough, to let thy fury swing:
Burn the whole town; blow up the walls;
Destroy their shops and coblers' stalls:
Murder old Priam on the place,
And smother all his bastard race;
With his boil'd beef and cabbage glut
The fury of thy greedy gut.
Peace, then, perhaps I may enjoy
When there shall be no more of Troy:
But should I choose to be uncivil,
And send your scoundrels to the devil,
Don't think, good Mrs. Brim, that you
Shall hold my hand: remember how
I suffer harmless Troy to tumble,
To stop your everlasting grumble.
I tell thee, brim, of all I know
In heav'n above, or earth below,
Bastards of mortal rogues or gods,
I value Troy the most by odds:
No men on earth deserve my favour
Like Trojan boys, for good behaviour;
Because, whene'er they pay their vows,
They kill good store of bulls and cows;
Nor do they ever grudge the least,
To lend their daughters to the priest;
From whence it cannot be deny'd,
But true religion is their guide.

Juno, like puppet, rolls her eyes,
And, meditating, thus replies:

Three boroughs have I got in Greece,
Most dearly lov'd in war and peace;
Mycenae, Argos, aye, and Sparta,
Destroy 'em all[6 - Destroy 'em, &c. See the fury of an enraged woman! Rather than Troy should escape, how easily she gives up three dearly-beloved towns! But it is to be hoped, there are few such women alive now-a-days.], care I a f – t-a?
With the dry pox or thunder strike 'em;
'Tis fault enough for me to like 'em.
Must thy poor wife's good friends be drubb'd,
And she herself thus hourly snubb'd,
As if her family, Sir Cull,
Was not as good as yours to th' full?
I know I ought, were you well bred,
To share your power as well as bed;
But there I know, and so do you,
I'm robb'd of more than half my due.
Your dad[7 - Saturn.] was but a lead-refiner,
Or else a Derbyshire lead-miner;
Mine was refiner of the small
Assays, for years, at Goldsmiths'-Hall:
Then prithee don't, my dearest life,