A Burlesque Translation of Homer

And let the crowd about us hear
What I by this same truncheon swear,
Which to the tree whereon it grew
Will never join, nor I with you,
The devil fetch me if I do!
Therefore, I say, by this same stick,
Expect no more I'll come i' th' nick
Your luggs to save: let Hector souse ye,
And with his trusty broomshaft douse ye.
God help us all, I know thou'lt say,
Then stare and gape, and run away:
All this will happen, I conjecture,
The very next time you see Hector;
And then thyself thou'lt hang, I trow,
For using great Achilles so.
This said, his truncheon, gilded all
Like ginger-bread upon a stall,
Around the top and bottom too,
Slap bang upon the floor he threw.
His wrath Atrides could not hold,
But cock'd his mouth again to scold,
And talk'd away at such a rate,
He distanc'd hard-mouth'd scolding Kate,
The orator of Billingsgate.

Whilst thus they rant and scold and swear
Old Square-toes rises from his chair;
With honey words your ears he'd sooth,
Pomatum was not half so smooth.
Nestor had fill'd the highest stations
For almost three whole generations;
At ev'ry meeting took the chair,
Had been a dozen times lord-mayor,
And, what you hardly credit will,
Remain'd a fine old Grecian still.
On him with gaping jaws they look,
Whilst the old coney-catcher spoke:
To Greece 'twill be a burning shame,
But to the Trojans special game,
That our best leaders, men so stout,
For whores and rogues should thus fall out:
Young men the old may treat as mules,
We know full well young men are fools;
Therefore, to lay the case before ye
Plain as I can, I'll tell a story:
I once a set of fellows knew,
All hearts of oak, and backs of yew:
To look for such would be in vain,
I ne'er shall see the like again.
Though bruis'd from head to foot they fought on,
Pirithous was himself a Broughton.
Bold Dryas was as hard as steel,
His knuckles would make Buckhurst feel;
And strong-back'd Theseus, though a sailor,
Would single-handed beat the Nailor.
Great Polyphemus too I brag on,
He fought and kick'd like Wantley's dragon;
And Cineus often would for fun
Make constables and watchmen run.
Such were my cronies, rogues in buff,
Who taught me how to kick and cuff.
With these the boar stood little chance;
They made the four-legg'd Centaurs prance.
Now these brave boys, these hearts of oak,
Were all attention when I spoke;
And listen'd to my fine oration
Like Whitfield's gaping congregation:
Though I was young, they thought me wise;
You sure may now with me advise.
Atrides, don't Briseis seek;
For, if you do, depend, each Greek,
The dastard rogue as well as brave,
Will say our king's both fool and knave.
The want of brains is no great shame,
'Cause nature there is most to blame;
But this plain fact by all is known,
If you're a rogue, the fault's your own.
Achilles, don't you play the fool,
And snub the king; for he must rule.
Thou art in fight the first, I grant;
As brave as Mars, or John-a-Gaunt:
But then you must allow one thing,
No man should scold and huff a king.
Matters you know are just this length,
He has got pow'r, and you have strength
Of each let's take a proper sup
To make a useful mixture up.
Do you, Atrides, strive to ease
Your heart; this bully I'll appease.
I'd rather give five hundred pound
Than have Pelides quit the ground.
Bravo! old boy! the king replies,
I swear my vet'ran's wondrous wise:
But that snap-dragon won't submit
To laws, unless he thinks 'em fit;
Because he can the Trojans swinge,
He fancies I to him should cringe:
But I, in spite of all his frumps,
Shall make him know I'm king of trumps.