Your Daughter

Your Daughter
Girls’ Schools Association

The ultimate guide to raising girls.Have you ever wondered why…• It's the end of the world if her best friend won't play with her?• She moans about wearing school uniform, then goes out dressed exactly the same as all the other girls?• She spends all day with her friends but still needs to talk to them all evening?Written by head teachers and staff from some of the finest girls' schools in the country, Your Daughter is full of practical advice to help you negotiate the challenges of raising a daughter in the twenty-first century:• why girls are different• the importance of her friends• family relationships• self esteem• eating disorders• girls' bullying• social networking and the internet• influence of the media• helping her succeed at schoolYou may be bringing up one, two or even three daughters, but the authors of this book have hundreds of thousands of girls passing through their care each year. Your Daughter helps you to understand what makes her tick, from her first day at school until she flies the nest.

YOUR DAUGHTER

The Girls’ Schools Association

Contents

Cover (#ue1593b9f-a36b-5efe-afae-4fc475f1bb99)

Title Page (#uc1799109-d9b5-5361-aa15-18d6afb18f61)

Introduction (#u855bfd29-757e-5ed1-8376-208dccdba66e)

Chapter 1 – Relationships (#uc591cf31-2135-5ccc-b48b-e03cab0a31c3)

Chapter 2 – Growing Up (#u71b4446e-f6ba-5fde-b031-7e08c4d5060a)

Chapter 3 – Educating (#litres_trial_promo)

Appendix 1 – Girls’ Schools Association member schools (#litres_trial_promo)

Appendix 2 – Additional Contributors (#litres_trial_promo)

Reading list (#litres_trial_promo)

Index (#litres_trial_promo)

Copyright (#litres_trial_promo)

About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)

‘As the largest non-formal, educational organisation for girls and young women in the UK we know a thing or two about girls and this book certainly reflects our insight into the huge range of influences and emotions affecting today’s girls. Your Daughter is a great resource for adults to understand the different and sometimes difficult paths that young women have to navigate as they grow up.’

Denise King, Chief Executive of Girlguiding UK

‘Your Daughter is comprehensive but easy to read, and a genuinely useful look at the wonderful, but complex reality of raising a daughter.’

Sarah Ebner, Editor, The Times School Gate

‘I have two daughters and bringing up girls today can sometimes be hard work. This book has great advice and is very reassuring.’

Alex Curran

‘This is exactly the sort of parenting book that offers useful and practical advice to anyone with daughters – and I’ve got three! The authors are experts in helping to raise girls and they pass on loads of tips that I’m sure you will find useful whether your daughter is a toddler or a teenager.’

Jamie Oliver

‘The two most influential women in my life are my Mum and my former Headmistress. This book is full of advice and information from people like them who have loads of experience and wisdom, and really understand girls and the challenges they face in today’s modern world.’

Claire Young (former Apprentice finalist)

Introduction

Sugar and spice and all things nice, or moods, malice and meanness? Bringing up a daughter in the twenty-first century can be a lonely and daunting prospect. But whether you are consoling a 6-year-old who has fallen out with her best friend, or discussing the debatable merits of body piercing with a truculent teen, help is now at hand from the specialists.

The heads and staff of around 200 leading girls’ schools in the UK have come together in a unique collaboration to share their combined insights and wisdom on everything about educating and raising girls. Hundreds of thousands of girls passing through their care each year means there’s not much these experts don’t know about dealing with girls – and there’s certainly nothing your daughter might do that would surprise them!

Your Daughter offers you the best advice from the popular MyDaughter website (www.MyDaughter.co.uk). So whether or not you send your daughter to a girls’ school, Your Daughter gives you access to a wealth of practical information and advice based on real experience from trusted professionals.

Watching and guiding your daughter as she blossoms into a young woman with her own opinions, thoughts and moral code can be both terrifying and exciting. Your Daughter aims to help you along the way. For the latest advice and information visit www.MyDaughter.co.uk.

Sheila Cooper

Executive Director

Girls’ Schools Association

Chapter 1

Relationships

Families raise children but they are not the only source of influence or support. Particularly for girls, friends are crucial to happiness and sense of self-worth. Your daughter will be totally reliant on you in her early years. Together with her extended family, be they aunts, uncles and grandparents or step-families, you will nurture, guide and support her. She will find her friends in her neighbour-hood and her school, through her hobbies and interests. A warm, loving network is the foundation on which your daughter will grow and by which she will be shaped. She will take her role models from those closest to her as she grows until she begins to look wider afield. The overwhelming majority of girls say that their mothers are their most influential role models. This is a great tribute but with it comes a huge responsibility – to set the best possible example, to guide and direct, to communicate and explain. As she matures your daughter will also be greatly influenced by her teachers and, above all, by her peers. The media will also have an effect, one which you will probably want to moderate by discussing with her those aspects which you consider admirable . . . and those you don’t. It will not always be plain sailing. Everyone has to deal with disappointment and loss, with failure and heartache. At these times your daughter will rely on her relationships, with you and with others, to help her cope and to help her understand.

Family Relationships

The relationship between parents and their daughters can either be one of great stress and anguish throughout your daughter’s teenage years or it can be one of growing respect and developing friendship, as you both move from the parent-child relationship to the more sophisticated relationship of parent-adult. Watching your daughter blossoming into a young adult, who has her own feelings, thoughts, actions and values, is both daunting and exciting to a parent, but it is important to let her fly and to trust her. At the core of all relationships, especially the parent/daughter one, is open and honest communication. It is crucial to keep the channels of communication open at all times with the aim of developing a long term relationship based on mutual trust.

The importance of family

Girls’ relationships are typically far more complex than those of boys. In general, girls:

• talk more, and unconsciously pass all their thoughts through a powerful emotional filter

• are usually more emotionally manipulative than boys, and have advanced negotiating skills with their parents

• are likely to be ultra-sensitive to any personal comment, particularly during adolescence when their self-confidence can falter

All these factors can converge to make them outstanding managers as adults, but they can also lead to strain within the family relationships as girls grow up.

Your daughter needs to have an individual relationship with each of her parents, or parent-substitutes, whether she normally lives with these individuals or not. If you are an absent parent, use chatty emails or texts; the subtext here is that you still love her unconditionally, despite physical separation. If you live at home with your daughter, you can develop a good relationship with her by ensuring you have regular time just the two of you for relaxed conversation – for example, while doing the washing-up after supper one to one.

A girl generally needs to talk – a lot! Just chatting in an engaged way on a regular basis, from the time speech begins, will get her into the habit of talking things over. This will allow you not only to help with simple things, such as homework – but more importantly, to help steer her emotional growth, as well as to keep things going even when there are difficult times, especially at adolescence. It will enable trust to be built up between you during childhood, and for this to continue after puberty, when family relationships can become strained.

During adolescence, a girl is more likely to take up the values of her peer group than those of her family. Even if it can seem more like simply polite conversation at times, fraught with sensitive areas which must be skirted around, just keep on chatting. This way your daughter will know that, although she seems to be pushing you away, you are still there for her, and that the crucial unconditional love remains as she searches for her own personality and identity. She may often feel very lonely and lost during this stage, and it’s important that she knows she has not lost the secure love of which she was certain in childhood. Remember that in order for her to become an independent, mature adult, she first needs to separate from you.

If things get very bad, or you are worried that she is not in good emotional health, talk it over with your GP or another suitable professional. If your teenage daughter is caught up with others who are not well grounded, or whose family relationships are poor, she may need qualified emotional support – or perhaps a loved and respected grandparent, aunt or godmother can help. She may turn to a teacher or family friend for adult support; if she does, you should not feel you have failed – it is normal.