Raising Girls: Why girls are different – and how to help them grow up happy and confident

(#litres_trial_promo) On the other hand, the father of this little girl imagined a lovely, sweet, affectionate little girl he could snuggle up to and cuddle.

Apart from these images, parents should try to remember that there are many prejudices with regard to the sexes, and that most children develop quite differently from what their parents imagined in their dreams. Girls are by no means always calm, loving and good, just as boys are not automatically wild, aggressive and intelligent. Each child is unique: each child brings a distinctive personality into the world, and each is also shaped by her or his environment.

Most women who know they are expecting a girl identify completely with the unborn child. They see the baby as a miniature version of themselves and feel a strong symbiosis with the child in their belly: ‘We’re the same – we want the same things and are interested in the same things.’

The biological part of the story

What do the biological facts say? In the first weeks of pregnancy, when women as a rule don’t even know they are pregnant, male and female embryos are identical, because they have the basic structures of both male and female sexual organs. They are only distinguishable through their sex chromosomes (XY for boys and XX for girls). The X chromosome originates from the egg cell of the mother, and the father’s sperm has either an X or a Y. If the egg is fertilised by an X sperm, it will be a girl; if not, it will be a boy. Most genes lie in the X chromosomes, of which there are around 2000, among them the intelligence gene. The reproductive genes romp around in the Y chromosomes.

Purely statistically, more boys than girls are conceived, but more male than female foetuses are miscarried or stillborn. No-one knows exactly why this is so. It is assumed that either male foetuses are more sensitive to harmful environmental factors, or the mother’s immune system classifies the male foetus as foreign and tackles it, in error, as an ‘enemy’. Could that also perhaps have something to do with the mother’s thoughts?

In the sixth week of pregnancy, the male Y chromosome gives the command to form male gonads; the X chromosome of the developing baby girl only induces ovary development from the twelfth week. During the course of the pregnancy, ovaries and gonads excrete sex hormones, which are involved in the formation of physical characteristics and also influence future behaviour.

The ‘male’ sex hormones are called androgens, and include testosterone; the ‘female’ hormones are oestrogen and progesterone. I have placed these classifications in inverted commas because all these hormones occur in both the male and female organisms, though in differing quantities.

When psychologists talk about a woman’s ‘inner man’ and about men’s ‘feminine side’, that is exactly what they mean. We all have male and female parts in us, and it is sensible to use both!

If the embryo has enough androgens, a penis grows and the female sex organs waste away and disappear. A vagina, fallopian tubes and womb will grow in the female embryo, and the male sex organs will die off. The fallopian tubes of the female embryo already store 6–7 million eggs, but by the onset of puberty this number has fallen to 400,000. On the other hand, boys only produce sperm from puberty onwards.

Between the ears

With sexual differentiation, male and female embryo brains start to develop differently. The clearest distinction can be seen in the hypothalamus, the hormonal centre or ‘relay station’ of the front and middle brain. From here, numerous bodily functions – sexual arousal, hunger, thirst, feeling hot and cold, and fight or flight reactions – are regulated. Here there is also a pinhead-sized group of cells, the so-called ‘third interstitial nucleus of the anterior hypothalamus’. It is thought that this area controls sexual desire. The size of this group of cells is identical for boys and girls when they are infants, but it begins to grow in boys from the age of ten; and by the onset of puberty, boys have two and a half times more nerve cells here than girls.

The most often debated difference between the male and female brain, however, concerns the band of nerve cells connecting the right and left cerebral hemispheres. This bridge, corpus callosum, is definitely larger in the female brain, and it may explain differences between male and female thought processes. Girls and women use both cerebral hemispheres simultaneously, while males use only one at a time.

It has also been proven that girls’ left cerebral hemisphere matures more quickly than that of boys. As the speech centre lies in here, boys – as a rule – learn to speak later than girls. The right cerebral hemisphere, which is responsible for the solution of spatial-visual problems, develops later in girls, which is why young girls often have difficulty imagining objects from different perspectives and orienting themselves spatially.

Birth differences

As a rule, the birth of a boy lasts an average hour and a half longer than that of a girl, perhaps because boys have an average 5 percent greater body weight at birth than girls. If a girl seems very contented as an infant, for example, it might be because her birth went smoothly and she had no traumatic birth experiences. In 1987 in Finland, it was established that newborn boys had a 20 percent higher risk of low Apgar scores than girls (the Apgar system is an index developed by the American doctor, Virginia Apgar, which states a newborn’s vital signs; measurements are taken of breathing, pulse, base colour, appearance, reflexes). Premature births, vulnerability to mental disturbances and infections, and likelihood of accidents are all distinctly lower with girls than with boys.

(#litres_trial_promo) A girl’s parents are lucky: female babies are tougher and more robust than boys. We can only speculate about all the factors that contribute to this imbalance, but we can say that cortisol – the stress hormone – and testosterone, which boys build up, heighten the vulnerability of the immune system in male infants.

Perhaps the fact that girls are more socially attuned after birth and maintain eye contact longer than boys is connected to this higher probability of good health for them. They also react more strongly to noises and to other people present in the room, cry less often and are pacified more easily.

Even during pregnancy, the female body is three weeks ahead of the male in terms of bone development. At birth, female babies are already four to six weeks ahead of boys developmentally. At puberty, most girls are clearly and visibly at least two years ahead of their male classmates in development – clearly, these differences began very early in the piece.

Developmental differences and their consequences

Female skin is significantly thinner than male skin and seems to want touching more. The hormone that releases the need to be touched is oxytocin.

(#litres_trial_promo) It is no wonder that women, whose receptors are ten times more sensitive than men’s, think it is so important to touch and hug their husbands, children and friends.

Parents speak more often to their female babies, which certainly could explain why girls seem to listen more attentively. As little girls maintain eye contact longer than boys, they ‘demand’ that their parents devote more time to them, smile at them and talk to them.

Every baby begins to distinguish women’s voices from men’s very early on. She knows her parents’ voices from when she was in the womb. With this, a more detailed classification process begins: for example, a deep voice means coarser facial features and rougher skin. The baby is gathering information that, years later, moulds her image of ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’.

At the age of six months, little girls are already more independent than their male companions: they can occupy themselves happily with toys and can comfort themselves with their thumb or a muslin.

The most significant difference in the first months is the speed with which little girls mature. Their height and weight increase more quickly, and they cut their canine teeth earlier than boys.

At the age of seven months, little girls can roll from one side onto the other (and often they can crawl already), are very skilled in handling a spoon, can draw lines and can pull up a zip.

These developmental differences continue apace. At preschool age, girls’ fine motor skills are significantly better developed. Girls also start speaking much sooner and have more self-control (see page 33).

Parents’ expectations and behaviour

So there are distinct, biologically determined differences between boys and girls. These are strengthened or weakened by their parents’ behaviour and the whole environment around them. It is intriguing to know that in experiments, people faced with a group of infants clothed in yellow jumpsuits could not tell whether the babies were boys or girls. Even though they said they could! As soon as they learned what sex a child was, however, they reacted to girls differently from boys.

One mother recorded in her diary – which deals with the first three years of her daughter’s life (she was born at the start of the 1980s) – that one of her girlfriends said, on seeing the newborn baby girl, ‘Katie will be able to twist men around her little finger.’ And the mother herself was sure that ‘to have a right to exist in this world of men, a woman must look good’.

Is this still true these days?

The pressure to be fashionable and beautiful has never been as great as it is today, and girls suffer more than boys if they don’t conform. I shall return to this later. Almost everyone notices that parents dress and groom their little daughters particularly carefully, and how a girl’s ‘natural’ predisposition to smarten herself up is welcomed and reinforced by adults.

Female researchers have observed that parents look after their small daughters more tenderly than their small sons. This may have to do with the widespread illusion that ‘men’ must be toughened up, or that they are not as sensitive in the first place. As we saw, males are less physically sensitive than females,

(#litres_trial_promo) but how did this biological fact become extended to include emotional sensitivity?

Who you are is crucial

Sometimes we forget that everything depends on self-awareness. What kind of person am I? How do I behave? What kind of example am I setting for my child? (To help you answer these questions, refer back to the ‘Self-awareness questions for parents’ in the Introduction.) The better you know yourself and understand your own anxieties, feelings and desires, the less likely you are to force your children into a mould or transfer your anxieties to them. Which means that the most difficult part about raising children – whether they are boys or girls – is the work you have to do on yourself. When you have a daughter, you must ask yourself what it means to you personally to be part of a female child’s upbringing, and what femininity means to you. You need to be honest here. Little children see through insincerity quickly. What does the subject of girls mean to you? Barbie dolls, curls, horses, high heels, pink jumpers and little cotton dresses? Or wise women, witches, grandmothers, female presidents, astronauts and taxi drivers? Femininity has many facets these days. What do you understand by it?

Your ideas of femininity

The examples of femininity that are being shown to girls today range from world-famous models to anonymous humanitarian workers. What matters to you personally? If you are aware of which forms of femininity you respect, which sorts you actually live by, and what tolerance you have for other forms of femininity, you’ll be able to more easily answer all the questions that arise as you bring up your daughter. For example, if you can, sit down with your daughter’s father (or mother, if you are the father) and make a list – each of you should make your own list – of the qualities and skills you value positively in a woman. (If this scenario won’t work for you, try to do it with a friend whose judgment and opinions you trust.) List all your images, expectations and value judgements! Do girls have to be good at mathematics? Assertive? Cuddly? What does a ‘good girl’ do? What does a ‘bad girl’ do? Are you supposed to make such a distinction at all? Is intelligence a positive female quality? How do you value being down-to-earth and the capacity for love? And how do intuition, empathy or sporting skills rate? How important to you are manual dexterity and good appearance? When you’ve finished, compare your lists.

While you won’t be able to force your daughter to be the things that you have written down, the things you value – being technically talented, highly musical or talented at nursing, for example – it is important that you know how you think about girls and women. Your daughter will choose her own way, but your ideas and thoughts will also shape her in important ways.

The types of girls

Socially, there are two main girl types these days, and they are contradictory. One of them is strong, self-confident, able to deal with change and eager to perform; the other feels herself disadvantaged with boys, has a low level of self-confidence, and sees her prospects as narrow. Then there are girls and women who refuse to be slotted into one or the other group and are searching for their own position, their own path.

The last millennium was mainly shaped by men. However, women will increasingly have a say in our future. Women will participate more in world affairs – but in what ways might this happen? Can you imagine your daughter one day becoming Prime Minister or winning a Nobel Prize? Regardless of which path your daughter takes, she will belong to a generation of women who will work with men to determine the future of this world.

She will help weave the fabric of human history, either loudly or quietly. So what kind of future do you dream of and wish for your daughter? Will you tell her stories about it? In your opinion, how should women and men relate to each other in the future? Have you spoken to your daughter’s other parent about this?

What makes girls the way they are?

Female behaviour is not only inherited from a girl’s forebears, it is also learned, as every girl is born into a society where the relations between the sexes are already firmly established.

Moreover, each family has its own culture and history, which is part of society’s history. For us women, our female antecedents are of special significance. But it’s not only girls who need to understand their roots – all children need to! What do you personally know about your origins? Which religion, traditions, belief systems and behavioural patterns that are part of your family tradition have you adopted, and which have you discarded? For instance, do you come from a family for whom hard work has always been a top priority? Or maybe you come from an alcoholic family, and have inherited some of the baggage that goes with that. Your home life as a child might have been very happy and nurturing, or else quite strict and stressful. These are some examples of family behaviour patterns.

My own view

When I think about what I wish for women who are growing up in this millennium, I think of qualities that have to do with original femininity, values that have largely been lost. How can they be dredged up, re-invigorated so that they find a voice again?

I wish for empathy, cooperation, helpfulness, a sense of community, creativity, and for the power of imagination, intuition, wisdom…