Raising Girls: Why girls are different – and how to help them grow up happy and confident

The editor of a well-known parents’ magazine recently told me that she’d love to be a mother – full-time. But she dares not say that aloud. She loves being at home and looking after her children, but when her girlfriends hear that, they think she’s reactionary. Must we women have a career? Do we have to become like men, act like men?

For me, femininity is connected to life-giving forces. I don’t mean that I believe all women must bear children. They can decide that for themselves! But I believe it’s important that they devote themselves to life: that they give fiery speeches to the United Nations General Assembly against war and for justice and peace; that they resist violence; that they join groups that aim to preserve Nature and not participate in the destruction of our environment. We should make our daughters familiar with Nature in all its forms and teach them to respect life – and to acknowledge women’s achievements in all areas.

Femininity, for me, means giving life, protecting it, going with it – and seeing it pass. It is about recognising that we are subject to a rhythm, being aware that death is a part of life, that time after time there must be a farewell and a new start. Let us show our daughters the moon. If we observe it closely, we’ll know a little of what it’s like to live on Earth.

This is my personal opinion, not the truth. Do what matches your nature and your convictions – but do it consciously, and in the knowledge that you are a role model. If you want your daughter to be a strong woman, she will need strong role models. Being strong means being in harmony with yourself, expressing yourself genuinely, asserting yourself, and being able to structure your own life. Being strong means bidding farewell to the victim’s role and taking on responsibility for yourself. Whoever does not seize her own strength is helpless. You claim your identity through your actions.

What we occupy ourselves with every day moulds us. Which possibilities do you wish to give your daughter?

The first role models for a girl are her mother and father. If you are careful, alert, communicative and present, you can’t do anything wrong.

In a nutshell

Girls are different from boys, right from the start.

Before we can think about how to raise our daughters, we have to know what we ourselves think about girls, women and femininity. Sometimes we also need to question that, and do some work to change our thought and behaviour patterns.

Remember, other people will also have their own personal reactions to the news that you are soon to be – or already are – the parents of a baby girl. Be ready for some reactions you may not be comfortable with!

Have a good look at the world today and take note of what women are now achieving and doing – all these things are possible for your daughter too.

Newborn girls are different from newborn boys physically, and some of these differences become greater in the first few months of life: girls are likely to want to be touched more than boys; many can play independently and comfort themselves earlier than boys can; and they often crawl earlier than boys do.

Boy? Girl? Human!

When my wife was pregnant for the first time, we decided we didn’t want to know the sex of our child ahead of the birth. We wanted the full-on experience of pregnancy – no tricks of technology, no advance warnings of whether our lives were about to turn a distinct shade of blue or pink. As the weeks passed, we had lots of fun speculating on the boy/girl question – how I would have a willing and long-term football-kicking partner if it were a boy, and how I would protect her innocence against all would-be suitors if it were a girl. The funniest part of all this is that when the wee one actually popped out of my wife’s body, both wife and I were in a state of such transcendental awe that it took us a full minute (okay, maybe a little bit less) to get around to checking what baby’s sex was. In those irreplaceable first few moments of life, we didn’t care a jot about anything other than that our baby was there, out, with us at last. It was a girl.

When my wife got pregnant again, we decided to find out at the amniocentesis test and scan what the foetus’ sex was. We wanted to do it differently this time, in order to have the complete experience – that is, once not knowing, once knowing. It was another girl.

We stopped at two, not wanting to push the envelope too far! In hindsight, that process of guessing during the first pregnancy was very special: it was the only time in my life that I might have been about to have a son. Now I have two daughters, and of course I can’t imagine it being any other way. But the dreaming was good…

Leo

TWO DEVELOPING YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR NEW DAUGHTER (#ulink_81f02a88-7444-580f-a5de-8abf4cac8b1d)

As soon as a child has been born, parents have a special task to perform: you must say goodbye to your ‘dream child’ and greet, accept and take on your real one – with her qualities, her appearance, her gender and her behaviours.

The first step

Step one is to forget your pre-birth expectations. This is particularly hard if the child you are holding in your arms is quite different from the one you expected. Charming babies who seem calm and satisfied from the beginning and look lovable have an easy time of it, even if they don’t match their parents’ dream.

A screamer, however, who comes into the world bald and bright red, and who gives the impression of not wanting to become friends with this world at all, presents all kinds of problems. All the fantasies and illusions you created after seeing wonderful baby photos in magazines come crashing down. Perhaps your child became a girl when she ‘should’ have been a boy, and perhaps she was born too early and is still in danger of being disabled – or is already. People can achieve and change a lot, but we certainly don’t control everything.

Having said all that, it is also the case that many parents experience the opposite: they are overwhelmed by their own capacity to love. They had never expected that a little creature, their daughter, could inspire so much love. They are surprised by the primal, deep force that rolls over them like a huge wave whenever they look at their baby.

True bonding – the prerequisite for healthy development

This farewell to the dream child is the first task for brand-new parents. You can then discover what a treasure you have in your real child.

Your little girl is the way she is. She will grow all the better the more you love her. In concrete terms, that means, for the first few months, being there for her all the time – she needs you to give her skin contact, to caress her lovingly and massage her, to nurse her, talk to her, carry her around and sleep near her. Love is an action word, and in the first months with a baby, love is in fact a very strenuous activity. However, it is exactly this loving – and tiring! – behaviour that is the basis for a secure bond between you and your baby. And having a secure bond with her parents in the first few years of her life is a requirement for every mental and emotional stage of development she will move through.

The impact of the ‘attachment theory’

John Bowlby investigated and observed war children and orphans in the 1950s and developed the so-called ‘attachment theory’ on the basis of this research. This theory states that children can only develop their skills optimally if they have a trusting, secure bond with at least one adult role model. Bowlby caused a worldwide sensation with his film about a 12-year-old girl who lived all alone in a hospital. We have him to thank for several things:

the fact that mother and child are now rarely separated in the maternity ward;

the fact that often parents can stay with their sick children in hospitals; and

the fact that parents know how important a stable, close relationship with their child is.

Even premature babies grow with fewer problems if they feel skin contact and human touch. It is interesting – and wonderful – that newborns are equipped with numerous powers that enable them to make contact with others and then to form a bond. Most parents react intuitively to these signals, and in this way the bond of love is strengthened even more.

If you accept your child as she is, and if you look after her responsibly and give her total security by nestling her little body next to yours, you will be giving your child the stable base she needs for her development.

You cannot spoil a baby – it is innocent and defenceless and dependent on your care. If you give her everything she needs and wishes for, you are doing the absolute best thing for her. Our knowledge of the powers that babies have, right from birth, has grown dramatically over the last few years, but parents don’t need to study any of this; all you need to do is observe your baby and give her what she wants. Just as the little girl in front of you feels an inner urge to grow and to acquire skills and knowledge, you as parents also have inborn skills to look after your child. Follow your instinct and intuition, and you will do the job properly.

The ‘positive mother/father complex’

Psychologist Verena Kast calls this first, pleasant, close bond with the mother the ‘positive mother complex’. There is also a corresponding ‘positive father complex’. According to Swiss psychologist Carl Jung, a ‘complex’ arises from a meaningful interaction between two people. You probably know about the ‘inferiority complex’ that can develop when a person is systematically devalued by their environment. No person is worth ‘less’ than another, but when someone is told that they are a failure again and again, they eventually start to believe it. The opposite is also true.

Making her feel ‘uplifted’

Girls who are shaped by a positive mother complex take their right to exist for granted, are creative and can ‘live and let live’. They know about everyone’s right to respect, to express physical and spiritual needs, to self-fulfilment, and to a fair share of worldly goods. They feel uplifted by life, and enjoy their bodies, food, sexuality and being alive.

These girls, like everyone, eventually need to loosen their close bond to their mother so that they can develop their own identity and unfold their own personality. This task faces them in puberty – unless their mother dies earlier or leaves the family.

The importance of the father

Because of this inevitable separation from the mother (which boys do earlier than girls), it’s important for girls to also have their father present in their lives from the very beginning – so that they can develop a ‘positive father complex’. If girls’ early experience includes their father – or, if that’s not possible, someone who is not their mother but who also cares for them – they will find it easier to detach themselves from the mother-child symbiosis, and they will learn that relationships have various shadings: that Mum and Dad treat them differently, and that each parent has their own characteristics.

What special things do fathers do?

Fathers react to their children’s speech with speech, just like mothers do. But fathers differ in that they often prefer physically stimulating forms of play, clearly defined movements, and abrupt changes between active and passive phases of interaction. The play style of fathers is often more exciting than that of mothers, and is highly prized by children. There is a lot more detail on the importance of fathers in later chapters.

Little girls who have both parents in their lives from the start soon learn different relationship patterns, and to attach different expectations to different relationships. This makes it easier for them to get involved in new situations: they already have a broader range of reactions than if they are dependent on only one parent. While a little girl experiences her mother as the same as herself, her father radiates the fascination of the stranger (which is significant from the start!). Most very successful women have had fathers who brought them up to be independent and self-sufficient. These women remember their dads as intelligent, ambitious, energetic and tolerant.

Don’t give her everything she wants

Many grown-up women have told me that it’s difficult for them to say no. It’s important to be able to say both yes and no in your family. If you accept other people, including your children, as individuals, you also accept that each of you can make personal choices and decisions – about all sorts of things.

If your daughter wants hot chocolate for breakfast and you have none, for instance, you’ll have to tell her no. She’ll be disappointed and, if she’s small, she’ll whinge, cry and demand hot chocolate loudly. How do you feel about this? Do you say to yourself, it’s normal to be disappointed and to express disappointment verbally and demandingly? Or do you feel guilty about your daughter not having everything she wants? Do you get impatient and aggressive with her?

Check your responses in these situations and remind yourself that it’s all right to refuse your child something. However, also remember that you must often say yes to your daughter, because a yes is always a positive for her development.

Many children live with a lot of rules that harm their development. They are not allowed to:

play in puddles