Feel yourself like at home

Most of them, my secondary school teachers, in spite of their different ethnic origins (which, again, was not usual for many other schools of any Soviet periphery), tried to foster an interest to our own, Turkmen cultural roots, simultaneously with general education. My addiction to ethnographic aspects of life, my eagerness to plunge into mentalities and behavior of different nations was cultivated since those years and thanks to their efforts.

Nevertheless, the main direction of this educational system, which was aimed to study the life of the “entity addressed as the Soviet people”, influenced further development of individual students.

Therefore, upon the graduation from the secondary school I knew Russian language fluently, I was quite well familiar with the Russian culture, and with different styles of interpersonal relationships of the Slavic people. At the same time, I could only very weakly sort out mentality aspects of my own ethnic group, the Turkmens. Fortunately, at the same time I was striving for finding out more aspects of these traditions by myself.

Then, I was very lucky, let me repeat and emphasize once again, that simultaneously I was trained for self-educating and for keenness to investigate more aspects of folk traditions and rituals independently via books (if could find such books, though) and through informal chatting with the elders—the bearers of the culture hidden from an outside glance. Also fortunately, I was capable for further analyses of observations heard and seen by me. Step by step, I discovered and gradually revealed hidden details of everyday communications, of the behavior of my countrymen among themselves and toward those who were outsiders to our traditions. And now I would like to invite you, my honorable reader, to follow me in opening some habits and traditions of the Oriental nation that are concealed from common foreign visitors, even if they are eager to learn about the behavior of our people.

What to begin with?

Of course, I had a general understanding and knowledge of few elementary greetings like “Salam”, “Salam aleykum”, “Es-salam aleykum” and, in return, “Aleykum salam”. But what about anything else?

Thus, it looks like a proper time to make a recurrent digression titled “Two in one” here: as indicated above, when I was in school, I have diligently studied the Russian culture and mentality according to the curriculum used throughout the whole former Soviet Union. However, I was little more aware about my people, the Turkmens, and their tribes than a common town boy, and much less than an ordinary rural teenager.

Luckily, thanks to a “wild” profession (my main background is a wildlife biologist), I have spent the most part of my further life in the wilderness, pretty far from the urban civilization. Consequently, I almost always have interacted with the inhabitants of remote areas, from big villages to quite tiny settlements of three to five houses.

I am emphasizing this matter because the local people living in those territories are not yet spoiled by the challenges of urbanization, and still keep rapidly vanishing folk mentalities and inward culture almost untouched. Any person eager to learn the inner world of the Turkmens should go there as well, to look for that particle of the wisdom that comes from the depths of the centuries.

On the other hand, one should take into account that the Turkmens are not a uniform nation, yet. They are divided into big and small tribes and associations. Surely, there are relationships and traditions across these tribes that have enriched each other. But simultaneously, differences in the appearances and traditional behavior are clearly visible to an experienced eye.

Therefore, an observer needs to keep in mind to be more flexible and attentive to any advice given even by knowledgeable carriers of folk traditions, because observations made in a Northern velayats[6 - Velayt – an administrative division of the country. Turkmenistan is divided into five velayats.] might diverge from the ones made in Southern ones.

For instance, how could I myself, a representative of the Ersary tribe that lives primarily in the Lebap velayt, at the northeast of the country, behave properly living, as I do, at the southernmost point of Turkmenistan, if I did not use creativity in greetings?

Gradually (though slower than I would wish) the large integral picture began to reveal its secrets to a town-bred boy who I was at that period. Simple at a first superficial glance styles of “salam” (“salamlashmak” means “to greet each other”) appeared to be a rather complicated and, at the same time, flexible delicate system that had to be handled delicately and carefully.

As an introduction, let me say that, since the olden times, basic rules have been developed by the Turkmens (only a few of them would be mentioned here):

Who should greet the other person first?

A standing person greeting a sitting one;

A passerby greeting one who is doing a physical work (often, even if the former is older than the latter);

One who rides a horse greeting one who walks;

Obligatory, a younger person greeting an older one;

A host greeting a guest.

Nevertheless, there is no rule without exceptions. It is expected of a truly polite person to be able to greet properly and, what is not less important, to give relevant answers respectfully while being greeted. Otherwise, a man may face an unpleasant situation when only few people would greet him as they meet.

Again, for a more vivid Illustration I would “call to assist” another one of my numerous neighbors. I have some personal reasons not to pay tribute to him, currently quite an elderly man. Fortunately, I am a pretty good and attentive observer, and usually I notice his approaching from a far distance. Then, often it is enough to step aside or to make a face of “one deep in thoughts”, and thus letting him to pass away like one “unseen by me, and left without a salam”. However, when once I was weeding the vegetable patches at our front garden, suddenly, as I straightened up, I met his gaze face to the face. Without any sound I returned to work and buried my nose into the tomato bushes. He growled up at once: “You have to say salaam to an elder one, silly boy”. It was a doubly offending remark, keeping in mind that I myself was not young, and had my own teen kids.

Frankly, I succeeded to suppress my irritation, and did not snarl back but merely stared gloomily. Nevertheless, in couple of days at one of the frequent community events I described the situation to the others, emphasizing my unwillingness to interact with the neighbor. I was seeking an advice from other yashuli[7 - Yashuli – a respectful referring to an elder (“yash” – age, “uli” – here “older”). However, the concept is frequently used not exclusively based on age, but as a sign of true respect to a person if he deserves that attitude.] – how to behave when we meet next time. Suddenly, I found that I would not be alone in my attitude to that man. A youngster, one of a group which stood nearby and heard my words, broke into the conversation of the elders (a manner by itself a little bit surprising) and exclaimed: “Hey, he never replies. Do we need to pay attention to him?”

Obviously, a classical saying, “treat others the way you would like to be treated yourself”, never and under no circumstances has lost its significance.

Naturally, a direct reprimand may cause a reciprocal resentment and an unwillingness to behave as “advised”. That is why in a Turkmen community a world-wise and experienced adult frequently uses indirect hints prompting a youngster to pay an attention that something might be wrong in his or her behavior.

Here is an example of applying this method. If in a Turkmen community a much elder man would greet a much younger first, this might be considered a joke or a reproach. Even if the greeting would be made not angrily but quite politely made, it would be seen as a biting irony.

On the other hand, if a youngster is recognized as an outstanding personality – for bravery, for intelligence, or just returning to the community after a long absence, – such address would be an expression of a special regard. However, even in this case, it would be proper for a younger person to greet an elder first.

Let me repeat once again that sluggishness with a greeting might cause a sharp remark, emphasizing that someone erred in such an important sphere of a communication as greetings.

How would such an indirect hint work?

For a better understanding of the issue, I am pleased to introduce a favorite of mine, Guldjemal by name, a daughter of my neighbor couple Takhir and Djemile with whom we are long-time friends. Formerly, she often used to forget to say “salam” or even did not notice a somewhat gloomy neighbor while running across nearby due to a girlish absent-mindedness. A teen is a teen, especially a shy girl. Whether she was too much concentrated on her inward thoughts or had been absent-minded, the result was the same: she just missed greeting an old (in both senses, direct and figurative) acquaintance.

That is why one day I stopped her, as she was hurrying by, stretching both hands out for a handshake and firing rapid questions: “Salam aleykum! How are you, how is your father? Are your kids in good health? What’s about cattle?”.

Here I should hasten to shake away some possible bewilderment of a reader: why did I ask such a row of questions? I will explain further about this special greeting style called “Anyrsyny byarisini sorap salam bermek” (“to greet by cross-questioning”).

Good for her, Guldjemal learned the lesson momentarily, at once and forever – over a decade that passed since this brief interaction, she never missed to let me hear her tender voice “Salam, Gochmyrat-aga[8 - Aga – a respectful address of an elder man. At the same time, it is a sign of paying tribute to an honorable person.]!” during every next meeting.

Naturally, that is a matter of good breeding by one’s parents and there would be a space for an opposite illustration when the method was not effective at all. When about at the same time I tried the trick on my own nephew, the only reaction that I could get from him was a lopsided smile for a beginning and nothing further.

“Let you not be tired…» (or while working)

A different form of a greeting is used depending on situation.

The following case is kept in the depths of my memory in bright colors since my serene childhood, for a few decades already. Then, I was seriously confused and embarrassed by my own lack of knowledge of the elementary politeness. On the other hand, what else would be expected from a town lad, who has encountered such a form of a greeting for the first time in his life?

In addition, one should know that this greeting could vary according to a real situation.

My father was born in a tiny village Sandy-Kachi of the Mary Velayat, Turkmenistan. He has left the place to study in an agricultural college and did not come back, moving from one job place to another wherever a veterinarian should be sent by the state administration. My uncle, his older and the only brother, continued to live there for a long time, till end of 90s. For me, a teenager, spending vacations there it was like a journey to a wonderland – the Murgab River, surrounding hills, sheep grazing, and the formerly famous fruit gardens.

It was so interesting and romantic to go somewhere very early in the morning far toward the apricot gardens on a squeaking cart drawn by a slim-legged, tireless donkey. We worked for a full day there, busy with chores – every gardener knows how much should be done in time to maintain his fruit trees and to get a good harvest. Besides, it was not less enjoyable to come back when getting dark, stretched on a load of a grass for the cattle kept near my cousins’ home. Usually my cousins had to feed the animals before starting our own dinner.

By the way: again, that is a wisdom coming from the old times – an older person teaches a younger one to take care of their domestic animals prior to taking care of himself. It iso easy to understand this practice – if you eat yourself first, you might forget that your cattle is hungry; or if you would relax it will be more difficult to return to physical work soon afterwards..

This habit also works in other cases. For instance, while I was leading a group as an instructor for outdoor tourism I could not sit down myself to relax until every member of the team would find his proper place for camping, wood fires were arranged, and water for the tea was boiled.

Returning to our narrative: but what was it that confused me?

Well, there were many people worked diligently in those gardens, not only us. And all those, without an exception, with whom we interacted during long summer day, would always say a word incomprehensible for me: “Arma!”. And only after that they would add “Salam aleykum”, and continue the conversation if and when they could have a few free minutes for a short rest. At first, I nodded silently while busying myself with what chores I had, and did not pay attention to a small pause – as if the person who spoke to my cousins would expect something from me, too. It appeared that I had to respond by some word or a whole phrase. After several awkward pauses I decided to be smart and to return “Arma” to the next visitor by saying the same word. A confusion again!

My older cousin, exchanging condescending smiles (“What might you expect from city boy!”), undertook the initiative himself and answered “Barma”(!?).

Over three decades of time went over those gardens since, and most of the orchards were cut down due to an old age of the fruit trees. However, now I never forget to greet one with an “Arma!” if I pass a person is doing a difficult physical job. It does not matter if is he an acquaintance or a stranger.

This form of a greeting is used as an encouragement for intellectual work, as well, like wishing a success in one’s contemplations, or as a form of a friendly egging-on.

In the present days, “Arma” or “Armaveree” obtained a meaning “Don’t be tired!” or “Be tireless!” (in old times it was meant as “Help you God!”). And the exclamation “Barma”, or “Barbol” in return will mean “The same to you”. After that, you may add “Thank you for wishing!”. And only then a smooth passage will be accomplished to the generally accepted greeting “Salam valeykim” and the answer “Valeykim salam”.

Meanwhile, the case described above became for me the first intermediate, even if an important one, milestone in the process of discovering and investigating more closely different interpersonal relationships, behavioral reactions and interactions between my own people, – the process which still continues.

At an age well over thirty years, I noticed one aspect, which slipped away of my attention until that moment: