Feel yourself like at home

The greeting “Arma” is used frequently in the situations when a person is busy with his regular routine chores. It appeared that in a case when somebody would engage in a job that required sound physical effort during a long time, another form of distinctive greeting would be used. For instance, if a foundation is being built for a new house, or an irrigational ditch is being dug, or a bridge repair is been started, a competent person will always wish: “Ishler illeri”. However, I am not able to clarify the exact meaning of this saying, since I did not dig up the roots of its origin. If I understand it right, a sense of it is “Let your labor be finished soon.”

Now, prior to mention another important wish (and a kind of a greeting in a specific case) of Turkmen, let me to make two small digressions.

I have to introduce two residents of our town, linked with each other by family (I emphasize – family!) bonds, Mered and Kurban by names, both over fifty years old..

Also I would remind the reader about a classical saying, which became a clichе: “a man in his life ought to fulfill three tasks: to build a home, to have a son, and to plant a tree”.

So, after some quite difficult years, Mered has finally finished building and remodeling a house in the Poltavka village near own town. Besides, he implemented some designer ideas which were not common at the provincial areas. I am a brother and a cousin to them both Mered and Kurban, and that is why at the time I often visited Mered to have a tea with him. At my next visit, the host started, with some surprise and sadness, to tell me about Kurban’s first visit to his new home.

Already at his second sentence I started to smile and then even began to laugh because I guessed at once what I would hear next. I know Kurban’s personality so well that I can predict what and in which situation he could say.

I will continue my story reciting, nearly word-by-word, my dialogue with Mered that took place in his study, featuring a TV set half wall-wide:

“You know, I showed him the entire new home, opening doors into every room. You did not yet see those rooms, you just came and sat down here without further moving.”

Just then I could not suppress smiling and then burst out laughing immediately upon hearing a continuation and seeing that expression of Mered’s face which would be impossible to describe in words – a mixture of a bewilderment, light injury and, at the same time, some bitter humor.

“And then he [Kurban] said suddenly: ‘Two men at Poltavka, they just finished building their houses, and then hung themselves’” (!?).

Here Mered glanced at me and asked: “What’s so funny?”

“Hey, I know in advance what he could say. Kurban just is not able to be glad for the of success of another person.”

So what was the trick?

It is appropriate among the Turkmen to wish “nesip etsin” “(“let it bring goodness for you”) in such cases as a building of a house, a car purchase, or another significant acquisition.

Formally, Kurban was right; indeed at the Poltavka village two men committed suicides after moving to newly built houses. Whether he had to mention them to Mered at the latter’s new house, let it be solely up to Kurban’s conscience.

Then, I would not hide that at the moment I felt myself some awkwardness: “Didn’t I myself forget to make an appropriate wish? It is quite possible, with my absent-mindlessness”

Possibly, I did say something otherwise Mered would not fail to sting, would he? At once I recalled that just while entering his yard through the gate of a yard, a hearty “Berekella!” (“good of you” or “bravo”) burst out from my lips.

It happened that I did not visit Mered for a friendly chat for several months, and that is why I witnessed neither a start of the construction, nor a result of it. After my first exclamation I went on with my habitual saying “bizede yetirsin!” (“let the same will be sent to us, too!”), and also added sincerely “il bir yashasyn!” (“let somebody have successful life”, which, indirectly, also means “since I did not… “)

Before concluding this section, I must note that “Armaveree” has its own underlying philosophical context. To give an illustration, I recall how many years ago I was left with two teen sons without a stable income, nearly without a home, and with no perspective for life improvement. At that period, people often wished me “Arma!”, and always added “Gayrat et!” (“Courage to you!”).

“The more you live the more you know…»

I will now relate an observation I made fifteen years after graduating from school, at a sad event at the funeral of the grandmother of my future ex-wife (excuse me for this expression but currently this is the most exact way I can refer to her). Due to a combination of the circumstances (the gloomy atmosphere of the funeral meal, and my very first introduction to the new relatives, which by itself created a serious stress for me) I was totally lost thinking whom to greet first and whom at second turn, whether I should I shake hands, whether I should take a seat in a corner or join the helpers, and so on.

Perplexed, I decided simply to follow my father-in-law and to repeat what he would do. Later, of course, naturally not to get further confused, I enhanced my knowledge purposedly and practiced behavioral skills at other crowded meetings.

It appeared that at Turkmen community events, when you need to greet the guests who came earlier than you, you should proceed directly to most respected yashuli, or a man of similar status (a community leader, the oldest relative, a head of the administration). The best way (frankly, the only way) is to exchange a couple of warm words with this man while shaking hands and then to pass to the others, doing the same with everyone, going counterclockwise.

Handshaking styles

A common handshake, such a simple gesture at first sight, will sparkle with special colors and shades under a more attentive glance.

First, please, remember: your hand clasp should be vigorous, involving all fingers. Unfortunately, I have to emphasize this because several years ago some spoiled city chaps “invented” a weird handshake – they just inserted a couple of fingers (or merely one!) into a palm of a newcomer and slightly bent them, instead of shaking the hand of a person who greets them. Luckily the manner did not take root, and rapidly disappeared even among the teens. Very rarely, but you may still meet this manner today. Don’t follow it, please!

Among the Turkmens, one always must shake hands at greeting, using the right hand shaking right hand. Although, if you have a trauma, and your right palm is bandaged, you may either use the left hand, or present your right elbow for other person’s handclasp.

A younger person should greet a senior person with both hands. Also, I ought to emphasize that the handshake with both hands is a sign of special respect and, moreover, of an honor towards the greeted person. Additionally, the host would extend both hands for a handshake to welcome a long-expected and favored family guest.

However, I would like to mention here quite a specific aspect, again related to handshaking as the main method of a Turkmen greeting. Perhaps, a stranger would not pay any special attention to subtle hints indicating courteous rudeness. I am using such hints myself more often than I would wish. An unaccustomed person could be deceived by them buying ones as a proper welcoming procedure. Where at and what is a difference?

To clarify the matter: if someone dislikes (or even disdains) another person, he might say “Salam” very warmly, but then would try to avoid touching this person’s hand. It will be a reason for the latter to evaluate the true attitude of the former.

More examples? Here we go!

An illustration from the living experience, again.

I have many cousins and second cousins. Toward one of them, who is ten years older, I have, let me say, mixed feelings. If the tradition is followed, as a younger man, I ought to greet him first, immediately upon his arrival to our home for a stay. Luckily, he lives with his family far from our town, and visits us quite rarely, only for special family events. Knowing my opinion about him, well in advance of their announced visit, my mother starts warning me again and again: “Behave properly, be polite! He is a guest, meet him outside and greet in a required way”.

Surely, I had (and still have!) at my disposal a full set of nonverbal methods to demonstrate my true opinion toward him: to avoid a handshaking, to bend my fingers without clasping his palm, slightly wetting my own palm just before the handshaking, and so on.

Paradoxically, though, depending upon a situation, sometimes avoiding a handshake would tell about tactful attitude to a visitor. If you are told “sorry, my hands are dirty”, and then a man would outstretch for a handclasp his forearm instead of the palm, more likely he just came back from a toilet and did not wash his hands yet.

Should I remind here that the Turkmens have distinctive traditions of hospitality, and that every welcome visitor will be met with a special care? After all, there is a saying “a guest is more important than a father”!

It seems that a respect of a guest is in the blood of the Turkmen, expressed since early childhood, and they will tolerate with good-natured by indulgence many possible misunderstandings from a representative of another nation, especially from those who are not their neighbors and may be unaware of local customs.

On the other hand, there is room for an opportunity to become a more pleasant visitor if one shows just a little familiarity with local manners—and such willingness in a guest will be appreciated!

An esteemed reader may have noticed that I have talked mostly about men shaking hands. It is easily understandable without a slightest suspicion for what may seem to be a discrimination of women. Being a man, I practice hand shaking with other men every day and nearly every hour. Therefore, details on men greeting men are more known and closer to me rather than styles of greetings between the Turkmen women.

Also, it is natural that in our tradition the ways for greetings between a man and a woman would be different of those between men.

Simultaneously I dare say that the narration will be incomplete it not to touch at least briefly greeting manner among the women.

“Womanly” greetings

We should return to the tribal and geographical differences: in accordance with local traditions in Mary velayat, where I have an origin and live in, men do not exchange handshakes with representatives of the other sex in most cases. On the other hand, again there is no rule without an exception. So, sometimes, women and girls may outstretch both hands for “eleshmek uchin” (“to shake hands”) with a man to demonstrate an especial honor, or when greeting a close friend.

When this happened to me for the first time, I acted quite awkwardly in an attempt to decide quickly: whether to seize her palm and hold it for a while, how long to hold, how strongly to squeeze, and so on. So, later, when I expected a similar situation, I was a little bit more quick, and could step aside or pretend to be absent-minded to avoid the handshake.

Several years passed since my confusion, and then, at last, I have noticed what my brother-in-law (a representative of the Teke tribe) did in a similar situation. With an elegant gesture he turned the palm of his right hand down, and extended his wrist to the female guest to let her clasp it.

Indeed, some obvious details may lie just in front of your eyes without being noticed, and stay unnoticed for a long time. The same occurred here – afterwards, I realized how many times I have seen this gesture but did not pay attention.

In addition, nearly at once I remembered a scene from quite old movie about the greatest Turkmen poet of all times, Makhtumkuli Fragi: when he returned to his beloved home after many years of travel, and the women of his kin ran to meet him, he turned his hand down, hiding his fingers inside his sleeve and stretched his wrist so they could shake hands with them.

An entirely different approach is observed among the Ersary people to whom I belong myself. Boys, girls, men, and women – as it seems at a first glance, it does not matter! They shake hands willingly, repeatedly at every time of a day they meet.

Now, please, let me to return again to “female” greetings, namely – addressing to a woman? How and did I pay a close attention to the differences? Shame on me, again in mature age…

For a few years of my life, I have worked as a private taxi driver at some period in my life. I have to clarify here that my main goal in this occupation was to be inside the turbulent life of the surrounding people and to get an opportunity to talk with them freely than for mere making money. Besides, the latter was rather difficult to do in our town, with one of lowest fees for transportation in Turkmenistan. A reader might not believe thus but until recently (before the fuel price increased), a passenger had to apply some effort to persuade a driver to take money at arrival! When everyone knows everyone well or when people are connected by family ties, this attitude is quite common in Turkmen communities (most of them are quite tightly knit). Life in a small provincial town could have its own specific advantages.