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Verse and Worse
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So efficacious is this stuff,
Its virtue and its strength are such,
One single bottle is enough, —
In fact, at times, 'tis far too much.
(The patient dies in frightful pain,
Or else survives, and tries again.)
An aunt of mine felt anyhow,
All kind-of-odd, and gone-to-bits,
Had freckles badly too; but now
She doesn't have a thing but fits.
She's just as strong as any horse, —
Tho' still an invalid, of course.
I had an uncle, too, that way,
His health was in a dreadful plight;
Would often spend a sleepless day,
And lie unconscious half the night.
He took two bottles, large and small,
And now – he has no health at all!
The Moral plainly bids you buy
This stuff, whose name I have forgotten;
You won't regret it, if you try —
(My memory is simply rotten!)
My funds will profit, in addition,
Since I enjoy a small commission!
CHILDISH COMPLAINTS
No. 1 (Appendicitis)
I've got Appendicitis
In my Appendicit,
But I don't mind,
Because I find
I'm quite 'cut out' for it.
No. 2. (Whooping-cough)
If only I had Whooping-cough!
I'd join a Circus troupe!
And folks would clamour at the door,
And pay a shilling – even more,
To see me 'Whoop The Whoop.'
No. 3. (Measles)
Of illnesses like chickenpox
And measles I've had lots;
I do not like them much, you know,
They are not really nice, altho'
They're rather nice in spots.
No. 4. (Adenoids)
A Cockney maid produced such snores,
Folks left the City to avoid them;
And all becos,
She said, it was
Her adenoids that 'ad annoyed them!
No. 5. (Croup)
I had the Croup, in years gone by,
And that is why to-day,
Altho' no longer youthful, I
Am still a Croupier.
RUTHLESS RHYMES
I
MOTHER-WIT
When wilful little Willie Black
Threw all the tea-things at his mother,
She murmured, as she hurled them back,
'One good Tea-urn deserves another!'
II
UNCLE JOE
Poor Uncle Joe has gone, you know,
To rest beyond the stars.
I miss him, oh! I miss him so, —
He had such good cigars.
III
AUNT ELIZA
In the drinking-well
(Which the plumber built her)
Aunt Eliza fell, —
We must buy a filter.
IV
Its virtue and its strength are such,
One single bottle is enough, —
In fact, at times, 'tis far too much.
(The patient dies in frightful pain,
Or else survives, and tries again.)
An aunt of mine felt anyhow,
All kind-of-odd, and gone-to-bits,
Had freckles badly too; but now
She doesn't have a thing but fits.
She's just as strong as any horse, —
Tho' still an invalid, of course.
I had an uncle, too, that way,
His health was in a dreadful plight;
Would often spend a sleepless day,
And lie unconscious half the night.
He took two bottles, large and small,
And now – he has no health at all!
The Moral plainly bids you buy
This stuff, whose name I have forgotten;
You won't regret it, if you try —
(My memory is simply rotten!)
My funds will profit, in addition,
Since I enjoy a small commission!
CHILDISH COMPLAINTS
No. 1 (Appendicitis)
I've got Appendicitis
In my Appendicit,
But I don't mind,
Because I find
I'm quite 'cut out' for it.
No. 2. (Whooping-cough)
If only I had Whooping-cough!
I'd join a Circus troupe!
And folks would clamour at the door,
And pay a shilling – even more,
To see me 'Whoop The Whoop.'
No. 3. (Measles)
Of illnesses like chickenpox
And measles I've had lots;
I do not like them much, you know,
They are not really nice, altho'
They're rather nice in spots.
No. 4. (Adenoids)
A Cockney maid produced such snores,
Folks left the City to avoid them;
And all becos,
She said, it was
Her adenoids that 'ad annoyed them!
No. 5. (Croup)
I had the Croup, in years gone by,
And that is why to-day,
Altho' no longer youthful, I
Am still a Croupier.
RUTHLESS RHYMES
I
MOTHER-WIT
When wilful little Willie Black
Threw all the tea-things at his mother,
She murmured, as she hurled them back,
'One good Tea-urn deserves another!'
II
UNCLE JOE
Poor Uncle Joe has gone, you know,
To rest beyond the stars.
I miss him, oh! I miss him so, —
He had such good cigars.
III
AUNT ELIZA
In the drinking-well
(Which the plumber built her)
Aunt Eliza fell, —
We must buy a filter.
IV
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