Mean Girls: New Girl / Confessions of an Angry Girl / Here Lies Bridget / Speechless

It was a small voice, practically a musical whisper in the blackness. My eyes snapped open like a baby doll’s as I realized first that I was awake, and then that the sound I heard was real. I couldn’t make it out at first. But finally I realized this was Dana’s voice. Singing “You Are My Sunshine.” To herself.

I felt paralyzed.

“… you make me happy when skies are gray …”

I felt a little panicky, and fully awake.

“… please don’t take my sunshine away …”

And she finished singing, and went silent. As if it had never happened.

chapter 23 me

THE PINK BECCA SHIRTS WOULDN’T GO AWAY. Particularly when Valentine’s Day rolled around. I just wore my uniform, making me stand out even more than usual. I kind of wished the administration would ban those shirts, but apparently they didn’t mind.

Everyone’s minds were on love, and so that’s most of what people were talking about. Every time I heard the words love, perfect or romantic I wanted to punch something. Perhaps because every time I heard those words I, and everyone else, thought of Becca and Max.

I’d heard so much about how “perfect,” “in love” and “romantic” they were. I knew they were “adorable together.” So when the words were flying around like cupid’s arrows, I felt like all I could do was duck for cover.

Max and I were not speaking. He asked to talk to me a few times, but I couldn’t bear to be told again that he just couldn’t be with me. I’d heard that enough. I also resisted the urge to ask him what he and Becca had done last year. Probably flown off to Paris and fed each other chocolate croissants while getting silly and light-headed off mimosas.

I headed to the Black Box Theater in the art department, where they were airing a movie about romance in Paris.

I passed by Susan Tobias, who said nothing to me. She tossed her long, straight blond hair over her shoulder. It did look a lot like Becca’s hair.

No one was in the theater, but the lights were down, and the movie had just started to flicker on. I could hardly see around me. I sighed, feeling more lonely and pitiful than ever, and sat down in one of the seats.

The movie was slow, overacted and impossible to pay attention to. I hadn’t even been tired, but I found myself falling asleep. At a certain point, I realized I didn’t even know what the plot was. I was just watching this woman have emotions about something or other.

Then, quite suddenly, the lonely woman in her flat vanished and was quickly replaced by—what looked like—burning paper, and then a white screen. It stayed that way.

I looked around. I got up and looked in the projector box. The guy running the projector was gone.

My Valentine’s Day date with myself even sucked. I trudged sadly up the stairs and into my hall.

It was filled with people, going in and out of rooms, laughing and dancing, looking woozy, making out, and/or fighting. Like any good party. Almost all of these things came to a halt as I rounded the corner.

Like any Manderley party.

Madison and Julia, never to be seen far from each other, came over to greet me.

“Hey, where have you been? All the guys snuck over while they changed the tapes in the security office.” Madison smiled genuinely.

“I didn’t know anything was going on. I was just downstairs.”

“Oh, well, yeah it was kind of a spur-of-the-moment … thing.”

Right. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Anyway … Max seems a little down,” Madison whispered to me.

“Does he?”

Julia nodded. “Yeah, he probably feels guilty, because he knows he shouldn’t have … you know.”

“Shouldn’t have what?”

“You guys … everyone said you were in his room … he probably just feels guilty ‘cuz he did that.”

“What am I doing, Madison?” It was Max.

She cowered under his glare. It was obvious she regretted saying anything. She shook her head, looking sorry.

“No, go ahead,” Max went on. “What am I doing? Furthermore, what horrible thing could I do that she didn’t?”

It was quiet around us as people listened. We all knew who she was.

“Nothing. I’m sorry.” Madison was struggling to keep her words and voice steady.

Dana crept, as always, from some unseen corner. “She can make up for it when she comes back. Especially after everything she’s done in the past … Oh, how long has it been now?”

“Shut up, Dana.”

I saw Johnny coming through the crowd. Good. He was always good at calming Dana down.

“I mean I’m just saying, things will change when she’s back, won’t they? It won’t matter what she did last year or what you’ve … chosen to do in the interim.” She looked at me.

“Maybe he actually likes me,” I said. “Have you ever thought of that?”

I was hot in the cheeks, and I just wanted to yell at Dana. This desire heightened when she started to laugh. Everyone was listening now. Johnny put a hand on her shoulder, but she swatted him away.

“You are kidding me, right?” She looked gleeful.

“No, I mean he is choosing to spend time with me, isn’t he? If he was just moping around he could do that alone. He doesn’t need me for that.”

“Is he with you?” she asked, looking skyward as if puzzling it out. “Because I thought you weren’t actually his girlfriend. Couldn’t give you that label, isn’t that right? Why do you think that is?”

No, he hadn’t. And she knew it. We never were actually together. I said nothing, but felt my cheeks go redder.

“Dana, cool it, okay?” Johnny’s voice was low and personal. “You can’t keep attacking her.”

“You really can’t.” This came from someone I didn’t expect. Julia.

Dana looked as surprised as I felt for a second, but collected herself.

“Oh, see, there it is. I always said you weren’t her best friend. You and Madison always thought you were, but when it comes down to it, you really aren’t, are you?”

Johnny took hold of Dana’s shoulders. “Come on, that’s enough.”