Never Say Goodbye

“He wanted to die, Jess,” Karen said quietly. “I came to visit him every month, and for the first year I was afraid every time I left that he would…do something. He lost forty pounds, and his hands shook all the time. And he always had this hopeless look in his eyes, even though he tried to act normal when I was there. But I know him too well. And he was far from normal. I worried every day.”

Jess eyed her skeptically. “He looks fine now.”

“He’s better,” Karen conceded. “But hardly fine. He believes there are unresolved issues between the two of you. And he’d like a chance to address them. That’s why he wants to see you.”

Jess couldn’t argue about the unresolved issues. Not after spending too many sleepless nights thinking about the situation. But she didn’t need to talk with Scott to deal with them. She’d work through them eventually. On her own. As she did everything these days. Her eyes grew cool and she shook her head.

“I don’t think so, Karen.”

For a moment Karen studied the woman across from her. Jess was almost like a stranger. An unhappy, unreachable stranger, whose eyes reflected disillusion and bitterness. “You’ve changed, Jess,” Karen said quietly.

“Haven’t we all.”

“Yes. And that includes Scott. I wish you’d give him a chance to prove that to you.”

Jess stood, her face impassive. “If he’s changed, I’m glad. But that doesn’t bring back Elizabeth. It doesn’t bring back the judge who was killed. All it brings back is the pain. If he really cares for me, he’ll leave me alone. I would appreciate it if you’d tell him that.”

Karen hesitated a moment, then stood and walked toward the door. She paused at the threshold to look back at the other woman, her eyes sad. “I’m sorry I bothered you, Jess. And I hope you don’t regret this decision. I have a feeling that you’re making a big mistake.”

As Karen walked away, Jess frowned and slowly closed the door. Was she making a mistake? Or was she being wise?

She didn’t have a clue.

And when her pizza arrived a few minutes later, she realized that her appetite had vanished—just like her peace of mind.

“I’m sorry, Scott,” Karen concluded with a sigh as she finished the report on her visit with Jess.

Scott tried to hide his disappointment. He’d known all along that it was foolish to hope that Karen’s visit would make a difference. And it wasn’t her fault that Jess had been unreceptive. “Don’t be. You did your best. I knew it was a long shot.”

Karen wrapped her hands around her mug and stared into the dark depths of her coffee. “Jess has changed a lot,” she said carefully.

“Yeah. I know. She’s way too thin. And too tense. And much more high-strung.”

Karen nodded. “True. But she’s different in other ways, too.”

Scott frowned. “What do you mean?”

Karen shrugged. “I don’t know, exactly. Jess used to be so open and full of joy. Now it’s like she’s shut down. Like there’s no way to reach her. She has such bitterness and anger….” Karen shook her head in dismay. “Frankly, I don’t know what it will take to get through to her.”

“There has to be a way,” Scott said resolutely.

Karen looked at him steadily. “And if there isn’t?”

“I’m not willing to consider that yet.”

“You know, sometimes people are physically hurt so badly that they can’t be saved,” Karen said softly. “I think the same is true of some relationships.”

Scott rested his elbows on his knees and dropped his face into his hands. After a moment he drew a long shuddering breath, and when he looked at Karen a bit of light had gone out of his eyes.

“I’m not giving up.”

“She doesn’t want to see you, Scott.”

“I respect that. But I believe that God is with me on this. Because I know, in my heart, that the marriage He blessed was meant to go on. And not just in name.”

Karen’s eyes were filled with compassion when she looked at him. “I hope you’re right, Scott. But I think it will take a miracle.”

“I survived three years of hell, Karen,” he said, his gaze locked on hers. “I believe in miracles.”

She had no rebuttal to that. “I wish I could help.”

“You can. Pray.”

“I already do. Every day.”

“Then keep it up.”

Because he knew he would need all the prayers he could get to bring about this miracle.

Chapter Four

At first glance, Jess wasn’t sure. It looked like Scott from the back. In fact, as she studied the distant figure more closely, it looked enough like him to make her step falter. But surely she was wrong. Why would Scott be planting bushes in front of the hospital? she wondered in confusion.

Suddenly the man turned, and her suspicion became reality. It was Scott, she realized as her heart skipped a beat. For a moment he seemed as taken aback by her presence as she had been by his. Then he slowly set his shovel aside and walked toward her.

Jess thought about turning away, fleeing in the opposite direction. But she wasn’t going to spend her life running. Since Scott lived in St. Louis, there was always a chance their paths would cross. She’d have to learn to accept that. And deal with it in a mature way. Which she was perfectly capable of doing, she told herself determinedly. After all, her first encounters with him had been upsetting only because they’d been so unexpected. Now that the initial shock had worn off, she was better prepared to deal with him.