The Perfect Indulgence

“I still can’t believe it. How many dates did you agree to go on?”

“None.”

“What?”

Chris had to pull the phone away from her ear. Her twin lived large in every way. “Well, none yet. I mean, they were all right there watching me. It was completely weird.”

“Okay, but you didn’t actually say no to any of them.”

“I barely said anything.” She stood, centering herself, trying to distribute her weight evenly. “I think I was in shock.”

Her sister giggled. “I’m not surprised. So which hot hunk o’ man flesh are you going to start with?”

“Gus.” Chris didn’t have to see Eva’s face scrunched into incredulity to know what she looked like.

“Gus? Are you kidding me? No offense, Chris, but I’d pick any of the others over Gus, even not ever having seen Luke, who if you ask me shouldn’t be in the running because he’s a mere babe. I would definitely pick Zac first.”

No, not Zac. Chris tipped her head to one side, feeling her neck muscles lengthen and relax. “Gus is a sweetheart.”

“He’s a sweetheart, yes. A sweetheart with no brain.”

Chris grimaced. Eva was sort of right. But around Gus she could hang on to her Zen-like calm. Bodie was too overwhelmingly sexy, Eva was right about Luke being ridiculously young, even younger than Gus, and Zac...

Chris was many things around Zac, but calm never seemed to be one of them. He seemed to push a button that made her revert to her combative, overly judgmental and high-strung former self.

“I owe Gus. We had one pretty awful date when I first moved out here. I promised him a second chance, but he didn’t collect until now.”

“Months and months later. Don’t you think that’s extremely weird?”

“He’s a guy.” Chris tipped her head to the other side. Breathe in. Breathe out. “An ambitious surfer who’s been busy catching waves. Maybe he’s been dating someone else. I don’t know, it doesn’t really matter to me.”

“Wow, Chris, you sound about as excited about this date as someone looking forward to an IRS audit. I’m worried about you.”

Chris rolled her eyes. Once again Eva refused to clue in to her new outlook on life. “No, it will be fun. I’m looking forward to spending time with him.”

Eva sighed. “Ames is telling me to butt out.”

“Ames is a very smart man.”

“When have I ever butted out of anything? If you ask me—”

“I didn’t.”

“—you are depressed. You really need to start—”

“Depressed?” Chris’s head snapped upright; she jammed one hand onto her hip. “Eva, this is nothing like depression. I’m trying for something I’ve never had in my entire life, total contentment and total confidence in my ability to give up control and just be in the moment.”

“I get that.” Eva’s voice gentled. “Really, I do. It just...doesn’t sound like you.”

Chris closed her eyes, let her arm drop and recentered her body, trying to maintain mental equilibrium. It occurred to her suddenly that her twin might just be disoriented by the changes. She tried to think how she’d feel if their positions were reversed and Eva started behaving differently. It would certainly be confusing and frightening. Maybe Chris would react negatively, too. “People change, Eva.”

“They don’t change that much. Not fundamentally.”

“Trust me, I’m more me than I ever have been.” She glanced at her watch, trying to ignore Eva’s exasperated snort, though it hurt a little. “I have to go. Gus is picking me up in a couple of minutes.”

“Now? It must be after ten there.”

“What, do I have a curfew?”

“Sorry. I’m sorry. You’re just not a late-night person... Right, I know, you’re changing. Well, have fun. Don’t do anything stupid like fall for him.”

“Om Saha Naavavatu. If the crystals align, and my chakra bids me to do it, I just might.”

“Uh...Chris? You’re really scaring me.”

Chris’s laughter died into dismay. “Eva, I was kidding. I don’t really talk like that, and I’m not going to fall in love with Gus. Please don’t worry about me. I’m really fine.”

“But— Oh. Ames is telling me to butt out again. I’ll let you go. Have fun.”

“Thanks, Eva.” Chris hung up, unsettled and anxious—the way she used to be nearly all the time. She and Eva rarely disagreed, especially about anything so personal. Thank goodness she had a weapon against that kind of tension now. Eva would come around when she saw how much freer and happier Chris was in her new skin, and how their relationship would only change for the better. Next time Eva decided she wanted to go out after Chris had already settled into a comfortable chair with a good book or movie, Chris would be all over it instead of declining. Maybe she’d even cut her hair for real at some point.

A peaceful minute later, she was calm again, adjusting her funky wig, smoothing the hem of her casual floral tunic top which she wore over skinny jeans, and remembering the outfit she’d worn on her first date with Gus—a fancy white top, carefully ironed blue linen shorts and matching sandals. For heaven’s sake.

This evening would be fun. Casual and playful. Definitely out of the ordinary. On dates in New York, she’d go to a show, a movie, a museum or to any of the thousands of fantastic restaurants. Ah, New York.

Tonight she was going to play pool and darts in a bar with Gus and his buddies. Now that she was so much less judgmental, having let go of the fear that required her to be in control at all times, she was open to so many more experiences. She was quite sure she’d love this one.

* * *

THREE HOURS LATER, Chris walked back into the house, head pounding, throat hoarse from shouting over the music and over the other people shouting over the music.

She’d hated every minute of tonight.

The pool hall had been loud and full of too-young, weird-looking people, and as much as she tried very hard to love and accept them all, she really wanted most of them to grow up and be quiet and stop drinking so much. A long, hot shower would be a super idea for many of them, too. And maybe a few could give the tattoo parlor a rest after six or seven thousand visits.

Yes, she’d gotten one tiny tat on a particularly fun evening last fall when she’d been out with Summer and the rest of the part-time staff for a meeting that had turned into a bar visit and a trip to the parlor. She and Summer had both gotten tattoos—after Chris insisted on paying. Summer got a tiny rose on the inside of her upper arm. Chris’s phoenix was rising from the ashes to signify her new self emerging. Clichéd, but she loved the symbol. At least her tiny delicate bird didn’t take up most of her visible skin so it looked as if she’d been rolling in used engine oil.

She pulled off her wig, kicked off her flip-flops and went into the kitchen to gulp a glass of water. Gus had been adorable, entertaining, eager to please, but thank God, finally even he’d had enough and had brought her home, where she’d kept their good-night kiss to a quick, sweet peck and fled, hoping to discourage him from asking her out again.

Weirdly keyed up—annoying since she was exhausted from being up since five-thirty that morning to work the early shift—she wandered around Eva’s adorable little house, watered the plants, and finally decided what she really needed to relax after the crowds and brain-pulverizing noise was a long, soul-cleansing walk on the beach.

Five minutes later, wearing black knit capris, waterproof Teva sandals and a pink sweatshirt, with her real hair stuffed under a matching pink New York Yankees cap, she stopped by the table next to the front door and grabbed her little bag containing an electronic whistle and pepper spray. She’d never felt threatened or uncomfortable on Aura Beach, but kids did go there to drink sometimes, and drunk kids could get really stupid.

Outside, the neighborhood was quiet except for the wind through the trees and waves tumbling in the distance. By the time she’d made it to the bottom of the hill and turned onto La Playa Avenue, her body was relaxing, her headache lessening. She sent Slow Pour a silent, affectionate greeting as she passed, and several blocks later turned right onto the path toward the beach. When the scrubby growth under her feet gave way to sand, she stopped to check in with her surroundings and her instincts.

The moon was bright enough not to need the flashlight app on her phone. The beach appeared deserted.

Chris’s mouth curved in a smile. How perfect. In New York when she felt caged and restless late at night, her options were the twenty-four-hour gym a few blocks from her house or staying home and dealing with it.