Forever in My Heart: The Story of My Battle Against Cancer

I started feeling all choked up about not having my own little girl. I’ve always wanted one so I could give her the childhood that I never had, with loads of lovely dresses, and pink stuff…she’d be a proper princess. Spoilt rotten. I could relive my childhood again through her.

I was doing okay until a couple turned up with their newborn baby.

I had a peek and said ‘Isn’t he lovely?’ and joined in the oohing and aaahing but inside my heart was cracking into pieces.

Then the dad started saying how great it is to be a dad and all the nice things that come with it–like seeing them when they first wake up in the morning–and that being a father is the best thing that can happen to a man.

It killed me inside to think of Jack never being able to feel that with me.

I couldn’t stop myself from welling up again. Danielle spotted this and took me upstairs to calm down.

‘Don’t hug me,’ I said to her. ‘Otherwise I will start crying. Stay away.’

‘You need to let it out sometimes, Jade,’ she said. ‘You need to let yourself be sad.’

‘I can’t do this,’ I cried. ‘All the kids and babies is too much for me.’

She tried to make me feel better, but it’s hard.

‘You’ve got two beautiful sons,’ she said. ‘Everyone thinks they are gorgeous and they are. I tell you what–you can swap them for Rosie if you like and I am sure you’d want to give her back after a night.’

I managed to laugh.

I sorted myself out a few minutes later and went back to join everyone. I am not ungrateful for my boys. I love them to bits. But I won’t be able to build a family with Jack.

I have to let go of my idea of a little girl. She will never exist now.

When I got home I wanted to take my mind off things, so I decided to focus on DIY. I ripped up the carpet off my floors and painted the oak floorboards white. God, it looked awful. I rang Kate because she sometimes works on TV home makeover shows. ‘Kate, I’ve just ruined my floors!’ I said. ‘I need your TV show to come and sort my house out. You can do that while I’m in hospital next week.’

Kate laughed. ‘Don’t know that we can organise that, Jade, but my mum could help.’

Kate’s mum, Lynne, does interior design and she came over to have a look. I flicked through the paint colours she brought and kept changing my mind about what I wanted! It was good to think of something other than operations for once.

I love my house. It’s the most expensive thing I’ve bought but it’s the best home I’ve ever had. It’s at the bottom of a narrow tree-lined country lane. At the back are some beautiful rolling fields and it’s really quiet. The garden is nice and big for the boys.

It’s a whole world away from Bermondsey. My mum still has a flat there and takes the boys to stay sometimes, so they get the best of both worlds. They love London but I think they prefer the peace of our countrysidey [sic] house.

Chapter Five The Operation (#ulink_3c798bb1-c8e3-5f5f-b20a-795394232a85)

9th September 2008

All the preparations for my op start today. I am getting well nervous. Have to have lots of blood test and scans and stuff so they know what’s what.

It’s a pretty big deal this. I try not to think about it too much. Just concentrating on my DIY! (When I say DIY, obviously I am not doing it myself, but you know what I mean.)

Kate’s mum Lynne came over with her friend Claudia to start the work. I’ve told them I want it to be looking like a palace when I come home from hospital.

I think I’ve got a good eye for colours–although maybe not when I look at old photos of some of the outfits I’ve worn over the years…

Mum was so proud of me. I probably needed the dummy though-the only time she got any peace!

A kiss for Daddy’s Princess. I know he loved me really. Just a shame he wasn’t around to prove it.

Check out those chequered patterns! This was from a promo shot for my modelling.

Ha ha! The good old days of white baggy jeans. If there’s a microphone and music on I can’t stop myself.

Jade Goody is released on the world! I can’t remember what me and Davina were laughing at. Probably something about falling out of that dress. What was I thinking?

Raising money for cancer in 2002.1 had absolutely no idea back then I’d get cancer. It was something that happened to older people.

I absolutely loved doing the research for my perfumes. I was really hands on and proud of the scent I chose.

Ah, the (once) happy family. That’s the Back to Reality show from 2004. The reality was lots of arguments afterwards, sadly. Jeff is such a good dad still.

Bobby’s first birthday. I look a bit of a grumpy mum in this one. I was having a good time-honest!

Freddy’s first bath. I was facing life as a single mum, but I told myself: ‘Just get on with it!’

Me and my beautiful boy Freddy in Greenwich Park. Don’t be fooled by those angelic blond curls!

Kingsland Beach, Mersea, with Freddy. Knowing him he was probably just about to run off somewhere.

Watch out, us girls are about! One of many we would have that night.

A spot of hairbrush singing to get us in the mood for another big night out.

Jumping off a boat in Marbella on holiday, 2006. I’d had my boobs done and couldn’t wait to show them off in a bikini. They helped me float in the sea as well.

Boat trip with Jack and our mates in the Bahamas, 2006. We had some wicked times in the sun.

Me and my boy on the beach, Bahamas, 2006. We’d not been together for long, but I knew Jack was special.

10th September 2008

The boys go to their dad’s today. I explained to them first that I need to go into hospital so that the tadpoles in my tummy can be put to sleep. In my book they are far too young to know what the word ‘cancer’ means and there is no need to tell them.

I am planning to go and see Jack in prison later because I need a cuddle with him before the operation. I can’t wait to touch him and see him again. I know he’s very worried about me and looking forward to seeing me too.

Then just after lunch I got the worst news: Jack is being moved to a different prison so I can’t go today. I had no idea this was going to happen. My whole world just seemed to stop when I found out. I so badly needed to see him. Why isn’t he here?

I sat and watched TV all evening, depressed and upset but trying not to think about it. I keep smiling and putting on a brave face.

I said on camera, for my Living TV show, that people must think I am not taking this seriously as I laugh and joke about it all the time. But no one is taking it more seriously than me. I’m the mum of two small boys, for god’s sake.