Forever in My Heart: The Story of My Battle Against Cancer

23rd August 2008

My interview in the Sun came out today so I picked up a copy on the way to the Royal Marsden. The photos were every bit as bad as I thought. I look terrible and felt so sad when I saw them. I wish people would stop taking my picture when I’ve been crying my eyes out. I’ve lived my life in the public eye since I came out of the Big Brother house in 2002 but it’s a bit different when it’s something so serious.

I’m going to have the mini operation today to see what’s going on. Inside I feel totally numb. I have to try and help them get to the bottom of this. I have to focus on getting well.

I woke up after the operation, feeling really groggy. Dr Ind came to tell me the results. He said they had found a tiny bit of cancer that had escaped into the outside bit of my womb, which is not great news. This makes the percentage survival rate much less. It means it has spread and I will definitely need the whole womb taken out, followed by chemo and radio. He said there’s no chance I can have another baby now.

I took the news really calmly again. Inside I felt cut up about losing that last little window of hope but I’d already known it was unlikely I’d be able to have more babies.

He carried on, telling me that I’ve been referred to Dr Peter Blake and Professor Martin Gore, who are part of the oncology team at the Royal Marsden. I am going to have an initial treatment of radiotherapy and chemotherapy to start with and then stronger chemo later after my operation.

The radiotherapy will be every day and the chemo once a week on Thursdays.

Charlene and Jack came in to sit with me as I recovered from the operation. She said she’d come with me for the chemo and radiotherapy too.

‘No, don’t,’ I said. ‘I’ll probably fall asleep during the treatments and you’ll only be bored.’

‘I really don’t mind, Jade,’ she said.

‘No, no, don’t,’ I replied. I didn’t want to put anyone out. I’ve always looked after myself and everyone else around me as well and that’s what I’m going to carry on doing now.

24th August 2008

Back at home the morning after, my eyes were all gritty because of lack of sleep. I don’t feel as though I will ever be able to just curl up and drop off naturally again. Every time I close my eyes, all the horrible things about the cancer start spinning around in my head.

The worst bit is finally dropping off then waking up again and knowing nothing has changed. I am still me and the cancer is still there, growing inside me.

I turned over and felt a squishy damp patch.

‘Urgh!’ I yelled, touching it with my hands.

The sheets were soaked in blood. I felt so disgusting and embarrassed.

I got up, washed myself off and stripped the sheets for washing. It wasn’t my fault. I shouldn’t beat myself up about it. I tried to put it to the back of my mind. Really, it was the least of my worries.

My next instinct was to ring the people I cared about and tell them, just to get it off my chest.

One of the first people I rang was my friend Kate Jackson, who was filming in Afghanistan. She’s a producer for Granada TV and I met her when I was filming one of my TV shows, Jade’s Salon, in 2005.

‘Kate, I’ve got cancer. I can’t believe it,’ I sobbed down the line to her mobile, thousands of miles away. ‘What am I gonna do?’

Kate took a deep breath. ‘We’ll do what we always do. The Fab Four will get together and we will fight this. You are going to be okay, Jade.’

The Fab Four are: me, Kate, Simon Bridger and Danny Hayward. The boys are photographers I met after I got out of Big Brother 3 and they are living proof that press photographers can be really nice guys, even if that’s not the way lots of people see them.

The Fab Four get together for dinner parties about once a month and put the world to rights. They’re such good mates. I can trust them with my life, something that can be hard to do in this game.

I carried on crying but Kate’s words did make me feel a bit better.

It’s good to know I have them on my side in this stupid, crazy fight against the Big C. I’m going to need my friends Big Time.

Chapter Three Getting Away From It All (#u1107cc9b-73c7-5b96-bcce-a49aa781cec3)

25th August 2008

The boys are back! I just rushed to the door and swept them up in my arms. They seemed really pleased to see me, and Jack as well. I had to be careful not to crush them I wanted to hold them so tightly. It made me feel more sane having them with me again because I have a routine and things to do to look after them: meals, playing, bathing and so on.

I’ve booked us all a holiday in Carmenthshire in West Wales–me, Jack and the boys. It’ll be a chance to spend some proper family time together.

‘We’re gonna go to a beach, go fishing, horse-riding, everything!’ I told them.

Danny and Simon said they would drive down there with us so they can take some snaps. I hope they know the way because I haven’t a clue!

27th August 2008

We’re off on our family holiday. Hopefully there won’t be so much drama as on the last big family holiday to Tobago, when a bush fire almost reached our villa and I was out in the road hurling buckets of water at it!

We’re staying in a converted stable next to a guesthouse. It took us ages to get here. It’s so remote that the sat navs weren’t working, which is a disaster for me! I’ve never understood maps. I’ve never figured out what happens when the line runs out at the end of the page. I mean, where does it go next?

Anyway, we arrived really late and put the boys straight to bed.

It’s beautiful up here and so good to have fresh air on our faces. It’s also good to have a chance to spend some time doing different things. I want a proper rural English holiday. (Someone just told me that Wales is not in England. Is that true?)

No jet skis and diamonds for me. Fresh air and green fields is what I need just now.

28th August 2008

We’re going fishing today! I’m feeling all countrified and excited about it. The horrible hospitals seem a million miles away.

The four of us laughed all day long, stomping in the mud in our wellies, even though Jack and I hate wearing those rubbery things. They look so silly and feel cold on our feet but it’s better that than getting wet, muddy socks.

We couldn’t wait to get down to the river and we hired rods from the local angling people. They gave us a bucket of wriggling worms as well. Poor Bobby didn’t want to touch the wrigglers. He was freaking out a bit, wrinkling his nose and shouting if I put one near him. Meanwhile Freddy was trying to put them in his pockets, which was making me wet myself laughing.

I love watching my boys playing together. They are such different personalities. Bobby is quite sensitive–he can tell when things aren’t right–and he’s very loving. Freddy is a gorgeous kid too but is much more wild. He never stops tearing around and can be quite mischievous.

To tell you the truth, I wasn’t any good at fishing–none of us were. We were all crap and gave up before long as we weren’t catching anything. It’s boring just sitting on a river-bank waiting. I’ve never been very good at waiting!

Afterwards we went horse-riding. The boys were going crazy over the horses, they loved them so much. They were both asking: ‘Please can we get one?’ What with the dogs and my boys to look after, I said that horses were the last thing we needed right now.

They all had a good go on them, including Jack. I did too.

I used to love horse-riding when I was younger. My dad had a rich girlfriend at one point and she let me use their horses. It was amazing.

Jack was a bit nervous though. He made me laugh, pulling faces and wanting to get off. He didn’t like the horse moving and said it hurt his bits.

I wasn’t letting him give up that easily, though. ‘Let’s go for a trot,’ I suggested.

I could tell he wanted to keep up with me because he knew he’d never hear the last of it otherwise! I couldn’t stop laughing as he tried to cling onto the reins.