They Let Me Write a Book!: Jamie’s World

‘MY MUM INSISTS ON USING THE SAME CAKE MOULD EVERY YEAR, WHICH SEEMS LIKE A RIP-OFF BECAUSE I KEEP GETTING BIGGER BUT THE CAKES STAY THE SAME SIZE.’

I love that tradition, almost as much as I love the Denny’s tradition that follows. Every year I get to go to Denny’s on my birthday and order bacon and eggs, curly fries and a grilled cheese. That’s all you need in life: weird-coloured cakes and a huge Denny’s banquet. I’m yet to finish my three-course Denny’s birthday lunch in my nineteen years, but I’ve got at least three more tries before I die of heart disease.

I’ve never been trick-or-treating because my parents thought it was too dangerous — not like letting your daughter talk to ten million people on the Internet without a clue what she’s doing or saying, and then even letting her write a book. I remember once we found some eyeliner and went nuts drawing rings around our eyes and filling in our lips. Our aunty let us sit in the back of her van and drove around with us ghouls just staring out the window at people. That one-off event was probably scarier for everyone else in our town than all the Halloweens put together.

So yeah, my childhood was pretty bog standard. Aside from the terrifying van window displays. Oh, and the magpies that would attack us when we went to the mailbox. There was nothing standard about that — the local magpies got so aggressive that we would have to wear helmets to get the mail in the morning. Eventually, I domesticated a magpie of my own and called it Magz, but the rest of them were vicious creatures. I’ve been pecked in the head by magpies so many times, it’s no wonder I’ve turned out like this.

‘I’VE NEVER BEEN TRICK-OR-TREATING BECAUSE MY PARENTS THOUGHT IT WAS TOO DANGEROUS — NOT LIKE LETTING YOUR DAUGHTER TALK TO TEN MILLION PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET.’

Magpies or not, I still spent a lot of time running around outside. My sister and I would make up all sorts of pretty dangerous games to pass the time — there’s not a heck of a lot to do in Napier, New Zealand. We would stand our trampoline on its side, cover it in soapy water and see who could climb up to the top the fastest. When it got really windy, we’d race outside with umbrellas and roller skates and let the wind drag us down the driveway like Mary Poppins. I’m surprised I didn’t get more head injuries growing up ... or maybe I did …

‘WHEN IT GOT REALLY WINDY, WE’D RACE OUTSIDE WITH UMBRELLAS AND ROLLER SKATES AND LET THE WIND DRAG US DOWN THE DRIVEWAY LIKE MARY POPPINS.’

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My Double Life as a Sports Superhero and Amateur Hole-digger (#ulink_bd43cefc-fdf0-52c0-9c53-8f06bcde9655)

‘IT WASN’T UNTIL I GOT OLDER THAT I REALISED JUST HOW MEAN THOSE KIDS WERE TO ME, AND JUST HOW LONELY I ACTUALLY WAS.’

I DIDN’T HAVE MANY FRIENDS AT INTERMEDIATE (that’s middle school for anyone reading this outside New Zealand). I was made fun of because I was the sports girl of our school. The boys would ask me out and I’d agree and they’d be like ‘haha’ and run away. Turns out they were kidding. Joke’s on them, I was definitely kidding as well. 100%. Taking the mickey. I hadn’t picked out the outfit or cleared my calendar or anything. I hated intermediate, I lost a lot of confidence there. It wasn’t until I got older that I realised just how mean those kids were to me, and just how lonely I actually was. I was odd, I had terrible social skills, but I didn’t actually know. Until people started telling me, of course.

I stopped doing this when I saw a weird kid in our class eating ice in the corner.

MUM’S TAKE

Jamie communicates through the majesty of sport

‘I always thought she was going to end up representing New Zealand in a national sport of some kind. She was very shy unless she was playing sport. At primary school she asked me if she could join an after-school dance class — this really surprised me.’

It was different to primary school where the sports people are like superheroes. I wasn’t the cool girl any more — I was just the manic sports freak playing badminton, soccer, tennis, squash, and T-ball. I was honestly obsessed with sport; I even made the front page of the Napier Mail for being all-round sports champ of the world. That was my first taste of fame, my big beaming face in the paper with a sensational bowl cut.

‘YOUTUBE RUINED MY RIPPED MUSCULAR BODY — YOU GUYS OWE ME FOR THAT. I’LL ACCEPT PROTEIN POWDER SACHETS IN MY PO BOX.’

DAD’S TAKE

Sporty Jamie’s shoelace strategy

Don’t know if I want to read this…

‘I was most proud of Jamie during a Hawke’s Bay badminton tournament. Before the game, I took her aside and told her to “do a Colin Meads” [Colin Meads is one of the most famous All Black rugby players of all time, by the way]. That’s when, if you feel like the opposition is gaining on you, slow down the momentum. After the third set, the girl she was playing with was starting to pull away. Jamie looked at me, and then dropped down to her knees and re-tied her shoelaces. She stifled the pace after that and was able to bring down the NZ champion. I’ve never been prouder. I think people need to know that side of her; she’s made herself geeky but she’s not as uncoordinated as she appears.’

Mum would race me around everywhere after school every day. I’d go from soccer training to tennis to whatever other sporting event was on. You should have seen me back then — I was so muscly. Then I just suddenly let myself go. Fitness doesn’t matter as much to me any more, although I wish it did. I had to give it all up because of YouTube. Every weekend I’ll be travelling around now. I’m so unfit now, even though I know that exercise is so important. I’m starting my new life on Monday, I swear. YouTube ruined my ripped muscular body — you guys owe me for that. I’ll accept protein powder sachets in my PO Box.

I was pretty oblivious to the rest of the world before high school. I just played sport all the time, and then I’d come home and bounce on the trampoline for hours or just dig holes. I’m talking literally about massive holes — there’s a huge one in our backyard that still hasn’t been filled in. I was basically a child-sized mole. I would dig all the way down and then back up so I could make a jump for my bike. Oh yeah, it could fit a bike by the way — it was legit. I dug stairs into the side of it, and slowly moved a whole heap of furniture down there. I’d chill out on my deck chair next to all this hoarded stuff. The hole was pretty much a self-contained apartment towards the end. Pity it didn’t have a roof.

‘THE HOLE WAS PRETTY MUCH A SELF-CONTAINED APARTMENT TOWARDS THE END. PITY IT DIDN’T HAVE A ROOF.’

DAD’S TAKE

Jamie eats the whole pi

‘In Jamie’s first year at Sacred Heart school, part of her homework one night was learning about pi in maths. After school she had tennis practice at her local tennis club and her mum, Bronwyn, was running late. To fill in time at the tennis club, Jamie started reading up on pi.

A week later in class, the teacher asked if anyone could recall any of the numbers of pi. The class went silent. After a while, Jamie stood up and proceeded to recall the numbers 3.141592653589793238462643383279. I believe she had memorised up to thirty digits past the decimal point.’

When I wasn’t in my hole I remember eating my lunch by myself a lot during this phase of my life. It was pretty sad. I don’t know what I did for fun when I spent all those lunchtimes alone. I used to play touch rugby sometimes. I’d bring a rugby ball to school and everyone knew I had it so that was my way of getting in with them. Bringing a ball to school is a great way to make friends if you have nothing else to offer. They see the ball and they’re like, ‘You can hang with us.’ It doesn’t matter how weird your bob cut is.

‘BRINGING A BALL TO SCHOOL IS A GREAT WAY TO MAKE FRIENDS IF YOU HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO OFFER.’

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Please Don’t Bully the Poor Kid in the Cowboy Hat (#ulink_02077fa7-e5d7-590b-b564-d4cd7d428843)

‘IT COULD HAVE BEEN THAT I WORE A COWBOY HAT FOR SEVERAL YEARS STRAIGHT … BUT WE’LL NEVER REALLY KNOW WHY I STRUGGLED TO MAKE FRIENDS.’

EVERYONE I’M FRIENDS WITH NOW ALWAYS teases me about what I used to be like. They all thought I was so weird, and they still remind me of that constantly now. I don’t know what it was. Could have been the sportiness. Could have been that I didn’t brush my hair for a year. It could have been that I wore a cowboy hat for several years straight … but we’ll never really know why I struggled to make friends.

Jamie’s tried and tested advice for social situation nerves

I was a really weird kid, and I’ve grown into a really weird adult. But I’m a child of the Internet, and the Internet is full of useful life hacks. I’ve assembled some of my tried and tested life hacks to combat nerves in social situations. Hopefully, they are helpful to you or anyone else you know cowering behind their customised cowboy hat.

Don’t be a lone wolf, be a wolf pack

Don’t isolate yourself from the situation by standing far away from everyone. If you stand next to a group of people that are talking, eventually they will bring you in if they are good people. Even if it takes months, years. Wait it out, be a magnet to them and eventually something’s gotta stick.

Turn on your Chatty Cathy radar and pounce

Find the loudest person in the room and stand next to them; you’ll at least get a healthy tan from their radiant confidence. And they’ll talk to you, because they’ll talk to anyone. You can practise saying things to them, and it won’t matter if you muck up because they will not be listening to you 100% of the time.

Don’t rush, slow it down to Chinatown

The world isn’t actually going to explode if you don’t say something witty, smart or cool in the next five seconds. Feel free to think long and hard before you say things. Take your sweet time talking if it’s something that you need to do to feel more confident. People can wait, just don’t take hours to ask someone what time it is. It will be way later by the time the question is over, and will just confuse everyone.

Find your feet, and when I say feet I mean voice

I know it might be cliché, but I’ve learnt it’s really hard to write a book without at least a few making it in. The main thing, as we’ve been told since the cavemen wrote the first motivational quote on the wall, is BE YOURSELF. If you feel awkward, embrace the awkwardness. I’m still as awkward as that kid eating lunch alone, I’ve just learnt that nobody really cares. People are too involved in themselves most of the time anyway. Just let rip and see what happens.

Oh yeah, so I guess we should talk about my weird hat thing. I wore hats constantly growing up, I had so many. Dad used to travel a lot and bring me baseball caps from around the world. My particular favourite was a cowboy hat that I used to wear absolutely everywhere. I would draw flowers on it, pin up the sides all different ways. I tried to seal off my drawings on the hat with superglue, which made it kind of chunky and even more dirty looking. Very chic. It was filthy anyway because I used to wear it in any and every situation. It became kind of my ‘thing’. You know, Miley pokes her tongue out, Lorde has dark lipstick, Jamie has a decomposing cowboy hat. We’re all the same.

‘MILEY POKES HER TONGUE OUT, LORDE HAS DARK LIPSTICK, JAMIE HAS A DECOMPOSING COWBOY HAT.’

MUM’S TAKE

Even the hat can’t fight the shade

‘Jamie always wore hats, ever since she was about one year old. She didn’t wear her hat to kindergarten one day and the teacher had to ask who she was. Everyone would say, “She’s got such a pretty little face when she doesn’t have a hat on.”’

It was really tough feeling isolated when I was younger. But at the same time, I think it was good for me. The isolation gave me some fire. I became really determined to not be a loser at some point in my life. I used to always just sit there quietly and think about how these people won’t really exist after I’m done with school. I just kept telling myself that one day I would grow up, move away and be better than them. I channelled all my energy and alone time into making something cool, and that was my ultimate payback. Now I’m making something cool and successful out of my weirdness, and I have them to thank for that. In a way.