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They Let Me Write a Book!: Jamie’s World
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They Let Me Write a Book!: Jamie’s World
Jamie Curry
“Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Jamie, I’m 19-years-old. I make videos on the Internet, and enough people watched them that they let me write a book. I know. What is life?”WELCOME TO JAMIE’S WORLDInside these pages is my life so far, and what I’ve learnt – or haven’t learnt – along the way. Read about my cowboy hat years, the year I dug a big hole, and the time I pulled down my pants at a badminton game.I’ll tell you my top travel tips (drink water), how to have fun at a school ball (don’t go) and how to be an adult (eat an oyster). And I’ll talk about YouTube, because I suppose that’s what got us into this mess in the first place …
Copyright (#u0fc28d2c-c284-5b32-a2d0-9a6b1c1b6903)
HarperCollinsPublishers 77-85 Fulham Palace Road, Hammersmith, London W6 8JB www.harpercollins.co.uk (http://www.harpercollins.co.uk) First published by HarperCollins Publishers 2015 FIRST EDITION © Jamie Curry 2015 A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library Front cover photograph by Sally Tagg. Back cover and internal photos courtesy of the author, except where indicated. Illustrations by Matt Stanton, HarperCollins Design Studio While every effort has been made to trace the owners of copyright material reproduced herein and secure permissions, the publishers would like to apologise for any omissions and will be pleased to incorporate missing acknowledgements in any future edition of this book. The author asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books. Find out about HarperCollins and the environment at www.harpercollins.co.uk/green (http://www.harpercollins.co.uk/green) Source ISBN 978-0-00-815941-2 Ebook Edition © November 2015 ISBN: 9780008159429 Version: 2015-10-30
Contents
Cover (#u23c80314-f5a6-5338-ba5a-e7016e203d99)
Title Page (#u4ccb52fc-c954-52c0-9a12-22be075c4d73)
Copyright
INTRODUCTION: Hi! lol. Here goes nothing …
CHAPTER 1: That’s not a rocket: baby me calls a box a box
CHAPTER 2: My double life as a sports superhero and amateur hole-digger
CHAPTER 3: Please don’t bully the poor kid in the cowboy hat
CHAPTER 4: Finally, a comedy star is born (jokes)
CHAPTER 5: Risky tomato sauce heists at high school
CHAPTER 6: The unexpected yet natural birth of Jamie’s World
CHAPTER 7: Dealing with my cool life online
CHAPTER 8: When I started getting recognised
CHAPTER 9: Don’t press this leopard’s panic button
CHAPTER 10: I’m so OCD — no, like, literally
CHAPTER 11: This is a job! Wait, what?
CHAPTER 12: How do I adult?
How do I end a book if I can’t even end a video?
Photo Section
About the Publisher
INTRODUCTION (#u0fc28d2c-c284-5b32-a2d0-9a6b1c1b6903)
Hi! lol. Here Goes Nothing … (#u0fc28d2c-c284-5b32-a2d0-9a6b1c1b6903)
‘HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO START A WHOLE BIG BOOK WHEN I CAN’T EVEN START A VIDEO PROPERLY?’
HI, HELLO. HI THERE. HOWDY DO. OH LOOK, I’ve ruined it already. I don’t really know how to start a book. Look at me. How am I supposed to start a whole big book when I can’t even start a video properly, as I’m sure you are well aware? I’ve decided to call this book They Let Me Write a Book!, because that’s about how I am feeling right now, and I’m sure ‘they’ are feeling right now. Whoever they are. All out there united in wondering why on Earth this is all happening. Why have I been given the power over all of this blank paper? Why me? I ask that question every day.
When ‘they’ asked me to come up with a title, I imagined that I was an eight-year-old who had just been asked to write a book. Don’t ask me why I chose eight, and didn’t just go with nineteen like I am now. I think eight-year-olds have enough of a brain going to make decisions, but haven’t lived long enough to let annoying life stuff get in the way of their impulses. So here I am, eight-year-old me, deciding what to call my book.
My first eight-year-old reaction, as has been the reaction of everyone around me, was THEY let ME write a BOOK?! So I thought I should run with that. Just to make it very clear from the very beginning: I’m as surprised as you are that all of this is happening.
If you have picked this book up in a public toilet, or if it was being used to prop up a desk in your office, you are probably feeling pretty confused right now. Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Jamie, I’m nineteen years old. I make videos on the Internet, and enough people watched them that they let me write a book. I know. I can’t tell you what’s going on with the world either. What is life?
‘JUST TO MAKE IT VERY CLEAR FROM THE VERY BEGINNING: I’M AS SURPRISED AS YOU ARE THAT ALL OF THIS IS HAPPENING.’
1 (#u0fc28d2c-c284-5b32-a2d0-9a6b1c1b6903)
That’s Not a Rocket: Baby Me Calls a Box a Box (#u0fc28d2c-c284-5b32-a2d0-9a6b1c1b6903)
‘WELCOME TO JAMIE’S WORLD: I’M PUSHING THE TROLLEY BUT THERE’S NOBODY IN IT TO STEER.’
I THINK I HAVE A HANDLE ON MYSELF NOW, but I don’t really remember when I first knew that I was a person. My earliest memory is probably of being at kindergarten, pushing around this special trolley that had a steering wheel in it. There was nobody inside it, so nobody was steering the wheel. That’s not only my first memory, but my first of many memories where I have done something wrong and embarrassing. Welcome to Jamie’s World: I’m pushing the trolley but there’s nobody in it to steer. That’s got to be a symbol of something for sure. What am I doing? Who am I steering? What’s my plan of attack? Take notes, there will be a quiz at the end.
Invisible friends sitting in trolleys aside, I wasn’t actually the most imaginative of kids. I don’t even think that I had an imagination until I was about eight. The same age I picture myself being able to come up with this book title. Before eight, if you caught me jumping off a box, I’d be saying ‘I’m jumping off this box’ rather than ‘I’m jumping off this rocket ship’. I called a box a box. I wasn’t messing around with ideas and make-believe. But I was happy. I was probably the happiest kid of all time, which I’m sure was very annoying to everyone around me. Nothing has really changed since I was that little kid on a box. Now I just annoy people from a different kind of box.
‘NOTHING HAS REALLY CHANGED SINCE I WAS THAT LITTLE KID ON A BOX. NOW I JUST ANNOY PEOPLE FROM A DIFFERENT KIND OF BOX.’
DAD’S TAKE
Jamie on that big ball in the sky
‘I think Jamie has always had quite noticeable talents, even from a very young age. I always thought she was going to be a successful athlete. She was extremely coordinated, very good at juggling and doing all of those things. It was very telling that when she was a baby she would look up at the moon and say “ball”.’
Although I may give off the ‘oddball only child yelling about boxes’ kind of vibe, I actually have a younger sister called Tayla. I know that she exists now — well, at least I’m pretty sure — but I don’t remember her ever existing in my childhood. The only memory I have is of her as a baby, when she was chilling in one of those elastic baby rocker things. I would have to restrain myself from pinging it back and making her fling across the room. Aside from that, as far as I’m concerned I was pretty much an only child till I was about six. But don’t tell my sister that. She was probably too busy orbiting the Earth on her post-pinged baby rocker anyway.
I was always good at getting what I wanted as a child. When I was about three, Mum took me to the shops with her. Big mistake. I latched on to a Barney soft toy that I found particularly fetching, and dragged it around the shop with me. Mum tried to get me to put it back so we could leave the shop. I wouldn’t let it go. I tightened my grip like a vice and screamed and screamed. She was left with no choice but to buy me the Barney toy so we could leave the shop and get on with our lives. That’s life lesson number one: seize onto what you want and never, ever let go of it.
‘AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED I WAS PRETTY MUCH AN ONLY CHILD TILL I WAS ABOUT SIX. BUT DON’T TELL MY SISTER THAT.’
Mum took me into a store and I picked up this Barney toy and wouldn’t let it go. Mum had to buy it.
Barney kidnappings aside, our family life is pretty normal. We like to celebrate Christmas in a big group and go on little holidays around the country. We come together in whatever Christmas house has been chosen by the powers that be that year (maybe Santa?). And then we’d have a big shindig that would always end in all of the little kids hiding from the drunk adults and giggling. The best Christmas present I ever got was a scooter when I was five years old. I still believed in the big SC (Santa Claus) back then. I wished so hard for that scooter, and good old Santa came through. Now I just get special car wash soap for Christmas. Oh man, I’m old, aren’t I? Ever just go to sleep as a kid and wake up as an adult getting showered in car wash soap?
‘NOW I JUST GET SPECIAL CAR WASH SOAP FOR CHRISTMAS. OH MAN, I’M OLD, AREN’T I?’
Sometimes over the holidays we go on family trips. Our last one was to the Gold Coast in Australia. We’ve been twice, actually. We just had so much fun the first time that we thought we’d do the exact same trip four years later. We’re an original family. So we hit all the theme parks like Movie World and Dream World. When we went to the theme parks the first time, I was completely invisible. I could just run around, free to not go on any of the rides due to my crippling fear of heights. The dream holiday.
More recently, going back to the same theme parks has been a whole different ordeal. I had to hide myself from people, keeping my head down around anyone under the age of 18 — which is, unfortunately, almost everyone at a theme park. This must be how Mickey Mouse feels when he just wants to wander Disneyland in peace. Just kidding, I didn’t just compare myself to the most famous and recognisable character in the world. There’s no way they would publish that, right? You guys? Don’t put that in.
As well as endlessly returning to the Gold Coast, our family likes to keep up birthday traditions. My mum insists on using the same cake mould every year, which seems like a rip-off because I keep getting bigger but the cakes stay the same size. Again, that’s another perfect example of why eight is the ultimate age. Cakes are still huge for your tiny eyes. Mum would always ask us what colour we wanted the icing, and every single year the colour would come out weird. I asked for purple icing and I always got green. I got a mysterious dark blue cake for my birthday once. It’s just better if you don’t ask questions.
Jamie Curry
“Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Jamie, I’m 19-years-old. I make videos on the Internet, and enough people watched them that they let me write a book. I know. What is life?”WELCOME TO JAMIE’S WORLDInside these pages is my life so far, and what I’ve learnt – or haven’t learnt – along the way. Read about my cowboy hat years, the year I dug a big hole, and the time I pulled down my pants at a badminton game.I’ll tell you my top travel tips (drink water), how to have fun at a school ball (don’t go) and how to be an adult (eat an oyster). And I’ll talk about YouTube, because I suppose that’s what got us into this mess in the first place …
Copyright (#u0fc28d2c-c284-5b32-a2d0-9a6b1c1b6903)
HarperCollinsPublishers 77-85 Fulham Palace Road, Hammersmith, London W6 8JB www.harpercollins.co.uk (http://www.harpercollins.co.uk) First published by HarperCollins Publishers 2015 FIRST EDITION © Jamie Curry 2015 A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library Front cover photograph by Sally Tagg. Back cover and internal photos courtesy of the author, except where indicated. Illustrations by Matt Stanton, HarperCollins Design Studio While every effort has been made to trace the owners of copyright material reproduced herein and secure permissions, the publishers would like to apologise for any omissions and will be pleased to incorporate missing acknowledgements in any future edition of this book. The author asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books. Find out about HarperCollins and the environment at www.harpercollins.co.uk/green (http://www.harpercollins.co.uk/green) Source ISBN 978-0-00-815941-2 Ebook Edition © November 2015 ISBN: 9780008159429 Version: 2015-10-30
Contents
Cover (#u23c80314-f5a6-5338-ba5a-e7016e203d99)
Title Page (#u4ccb52fc-c954-52c0-9a12-22be075c4d73)
Copyright
INTRODUCTION: Hi! lol. Here goes nothing …
CHAPTER 1: That’s not a rocket: baby me calls a box a box
CHAPTER 2: My double life as a sports superhero and amateur hole-digger
CHAPTER 3: Please don’t bully the poor kid in the cowboy hat
CHAPTER 4: Finally, a comedy star is born (jokes)
CHAPTER 5: Risky tomato sauce heists at high school
CHAPTER 6: The unexpected yet natural birth of Jamie’s World
CHAPTER 7: Dealing with my cool life online
CHAPTER 8: When I started getting recognised
CHAPTER 9: Don’t press this leopard’s panic button
CHAPTER 10: I’m so OCD — no, like, literally
CHAPTER 11: This is a job! Wait, what?
CHAPTER 12: How do I adult?
How do I end a book if I can’t even end a video?
Photo Section
About the Publisher
INTRODUCTION (#u0fc28d2c-c284-5b32-a2d0-9a6b1c1b6903)
Hi! lol. Here Goes Nothing … (#u0fc28d2c-c284-5b32-a2d0-9a6b1c1b6903)
‘HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO START A WHOLE BIG BOOK WHEN I CAN’T EVEN START A VIDEO PROPERLY?’
HI, HELLO. HI THERE. HOWDY DO. OH LOOK, I’ve ruined it already. I don’t really know how to start a book. Look at me. How am I supposed to start a whole big book when I can’t even start a video properly, as I’m sure you are well aware? I’ve decided to call this book They Let Me Write a Book!, because that’s about how I am feeling right now, and I’m sure ‘they’ are feeling right now. Whoever they are. All out there united in wondering why on Earth this is all happening. Why have I been given the power over all of this blank paper? Why me? I ask that question every day.
When ‘they’ asked me to come up with a title, I imagined that I was an eight-year-old who had just been asked to write a book. Don’t ask me why I chose eight, and didn’t just go with nineteen like I am now. I think eight-year-olds have enough of a brain going to make decisions, but haven’t lived long enough to let annoying life stuff get in the way of their impulses. So here I am, eight-year-old me, deciding what to call my book.
My first eight-year-old reaction, as has been the reaction of everyone around me, was THEY let ME write a BOOK?! So I thought I should run with that. Just to make it very clear from the very beginning: I’m as surprised as you are that all of this is happening.
If you have picked this book up in a public toilet, or if it was being used to prop up a desk in your office, you are probably feeling pretty confused right now. Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Jamie, I’m nineteen years old. I make videos on the Internet, and enough people watched them that they let me write a book. I know. I can’t tell you what’s going on with the world either. What is life?
‘JUST TO MAKE IT VERY CLEAR FROM THE VERY BEGINNING: I’M AS SURPRISED AS YOU ARE THAT ALL OF THIS IS HAPPENING.’
1 (#u0fc28d2c-c284-5b32-a2d0-9a6b1c1b6903)
That’s Not a Rocket: Baby Me Calls a Box a Box (#u0fc28d2c-c284-5b32-a2d0-9a6b1c1b6903)
‘WELCOME TO JAMIE’S WORLD: I’M PUSHING THE TROLLEY BUT THERE’S NOBODY IN IT TO STEER.’
I THINK I HAVE A HANDLE ON MYSELF NOW, but I don’t really remember when I first knew that I was a person. My earliest memory is probably of being at kindergarten, pushing around this special trolley that had a steering wheel in it. There was nobody inside it, so nobody was steering the wheel. That’s not only my first memory, but my first of many memories where I have done something wrong and embarrassing. Welcome to Jamie’s World: I’m pushing the trolley but there’s nobody in it to steer. That’s got to be a symbol of something for sure. What am I doing? Who am I steering? What’s my plan of attack? Take notes, there will be a quiz at the end.
Invisible friends sitting in trolleys aside, I wasn’t actually the most imaginative of kids. I don’t even think that I had an imagination until I was about eight. The same age I picture myself being able to come up with this book title. Before eight, if you caught me jumping off a box, I’d be saying ‘I’m jumping off this box’ rather than ‘I’m jumping off this rocket ship’. I called a box a box. I wasn’t messing around with ideas and make-believe. But I was happy. I was probably the happiest kid of all time, which I’m sure was very annoying to everyone around me. Nothing has really changed since I was that little kid on a box. Now I just annoy people from a different kind of box.
‘NOTHING HAS REALLY CHANGED SINCE I WAS THAT LITTLE KID ON A BOX. NOW I JUST ANNOY PEOPLE FROM A DIFFERENT KIND OF BOX.’
DAD’S TAKE
Jamie on that big ball in the sky
‘I think Jamie has always had quite noticeable talents, even from a very young age. I always thought she was going to be a successful athlete. She was extremely coordinated, very good at juggling and doing all of those things. It was very telling that when she was a baby she would look up at the moon and say “ball”.’
Although I may give off the ‘oddball only child yelling about boxes’ kind of vibe, I actually have a younger sister called Tayla. I know that she exists now — well, at least I’m pretty sure — but I don’t remember her ever existing in my childhood. The only memory I have is of her as a baby, when she was chilling in one of those elastic baby rocker things. I would have to restrain myself from pinging it back and making her fling across the room. Aside from that, as far as I’m concerned I was pretty much an only child till I was about six. But don’t tell my sister that. She was probably too busy orbiting the Earth on her post-pinged baby rocker anyway.
I was always good at getting what I wanted as a child. When I was about three, Mum took me to the shops with her. Big mistake. I latched on to a Barney soft toy that I found particularly fetching, and dragged it around the shop with me. Mum tried to get me to put it back so we could leave the shop. I wouldn’t let it go. I tightened my grip like a vice and screamed and screamed. She was left with no choice but to buy me the Barney toy so we could leave the shop and get on with our lives. That’s life lesson number one: seize onto what you want and never, ever let go of it.
‘AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED I WAS PRETTY MUCH AN ONLY CHILD TILL I WAS ABOUT SIX. BUT DON’T TELL MY SISTER THAT.’
Mum took me into a store and I picked up this Barney toy and wouldn’t let it go. Mum had to buy it.
Barney kidnappings aside, our family life is pretty normal. We like to celebrate Christmas in a big group and go on little holidays around the country. We come together in whatever Christmas house has been chosen by the powers that be that year (maybe Santa?). And then we’d have a big shindig that would always end in all of the little kids hiding from the drunk adults and giggling. The best Christmas present I ever got was a scooter when I was five years old. I still believed in the big SC (Santa Claus) back then. I wished so hard for that scooter, and good old Santa came through. Now I just get special car wash soap for Christmas. Oh man, I’m old, aren’t I? Ever just go to sleep as a kid and wake up as an adult getting showered in car wash soap?
‘NOW I JUST GET SPECIAL CAR WASH SOAP FOR CHRISTMAS. OH MAN, I’M OLD, AREN’T I?’
Sometimes over the holidays we go on family trips. Our last one was to the Gold Coast in Australia. We’ve been twice, actually. We just had so much fun the first time that we thought we’d do the exact same trip four years later. We’re an original family. So we hit all the theme parks like Movie World and Dream World. When we went to the theme parks the first time, I was completely invisible. I could just run around, free to not go on any of the rides due to my crippling fear of heights. The dream holiday.
More recently, going back to the same theme parks has been a whole different ordeal. I had to hide myself from people, keeping my head down around anyone under the age of 18 — which is, unfortunately, almost everyone at a theme park. This must be how Mickey Mouse feels when he just wants to wander Disneyland in peace. Just kidding, I didn’t just compare myself to the most famous and recognisable character in the world. There’s no way they would publish that, right? You guys? Don’t put that in.
As well as endlessly returning to the Gold Coast, our family likes to keep up birthday traditions. My mum insists on using the same cake mould every year, which seems like a rip-off because I keep getting bigger but the cakes stay the same size. Again, that’s another perfect example of why eight is the ultimate age. Cakes are still huge for your tiny eyes. Mum would always ask us what colour we wanted the icing, and every single year the colour would come out weird. I asked for purple icing and I always got green. I got a mysterious dark blue cake for my birthday once. It’s just better if you don’t ask questions.
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