Jelleyman’s Thrown a Wobbly: Saturday Afternoons in Front of the Telly

OK, I think I know what you're thinking at this point: ‘Oh, I thought he properly memorized all that stuff. What a disappointment. To the BBC and Final Score!’ But hang on, no anchorman worth his salt could memorize all that info. And as they say in showbiz, it's not what you say, it's the way that you say it. So yes, I'll have the basic facts and figures to hand, but I'll also research pages of human interest stories and funny news to throw out to the panel. How else would we have covered The Good Doctor and Granny Mae (see Chapter Four), or uncovered Total Network Solutions in the Welsh Premier League?

Now, managing all of this on a regular League day can be a tricky business. Handling this data during the closing weeks of the season, when champions are crowned and teams are promoted and relegated, can be a bloody nightmare. Throw in UEFA Cup and Champions League qualification and you have yourself a plate-spinning act that even Paul Daniels would struggle to orchestrate.

Then, of course, some clubs are hoping for an Intertoto place or looking to sneak into Europe with an exemplary disciplinary record. Others are chasing the play-offs, so you have to be aware of all the possible combinations of results and their implications. So, for example, on the last day of 2007/08 a lot of interest focused on Bournemouth. They needed to win to stay up and would have done so, just as long as Gillingham didn't win. Obviously, I mentioned those facts. But I also looked for human interest stories to liven up the show – in this case, Bournemouth were in financial trouble at the time and their players had been on half pay, but they still managed to win their last six games under manager Kevin Bond, which was their best run since 1971 when John Bond – Kevin's dad – was their manager. Phew! I'm getting flustered just thinking about it now.

It's a tricky business to manage all this information, so I guess it can be a blessing that Scotland has usually closed for business by the end of the season. Before the Sky mail office starts getting bombarded with angry letters from north of the border, remember that many of the champions and relegated teams have been decided long before the season's close. Still, you try to pay the Scottish leagues lip service, but the relevant stats are more of a challenge than the English ones because very few websites feature the names of first-team players, let alone squad players. A lot of the teams outside of the Premier League will even have A. Trialist and B. Trialist on their books, unnamed players who are literally trying out for the team. I remember when one team even had ‘A. Trialist’ and ‘B. Trialist’ on the scoresheet, though I don't think they were related.

Generally I collate my own figures, but we also have a stats man from Sky who will give me an info package. There's a lot of stuff on these weighty stacks of paper – some of which I'll use, some of which I won't use, but I'll never take these stats packs into the studio because there's simply too much info on there. I'll sift through them during the week and maybe pick out anything I'm interested in. The fact, for example, that at one stage during the 2007/08 season Aston Villa scored 46 of their 69 goals in the second half of games might come in handy at some point, though I can't imagine when.

When I'm not at the Winchester services, the remainder of my research takes place in the office at Sky. On a Friday, I'll trawl the websites for new information and news stories. I'll keep up to date with injury news, transfer speculation, and all the topical information at each club. I'll also go through the papers again. From Sunday through to Friday I'll always read a handful of publications to grab a cross-reference of stories - The Times, the Sun and the Mail for news, the Racing Post because it's great for statistical information, and the Daily Record for Scottish stories.

When it comes to websites I'll look at the reputable ones. I won't bother with official club pages because they tend to be a bit too politically obtuse - they certainly won't give the gory details on any negative stories. I remember for the Aston Villa versus Wigan game at the end of 2007/08, the big talking point was whether Gareth Barry was going to Liverpool. The news sites were full of quotes and comment, but the official websites for both Liverpool and Villa were bereft of any info. Still, by going through all the available sources, I can throw the subject open to the panel on the Saturday for a serious debate and enter my own opinion, if necessary.

Generally, this is the way I plan the conversations for the show's build-up - the first three hours before the games kick-off. I'll decide where we want to go in terms of discussions and I'll warn the pundits before the show begins, usually in the hotel bar on the Friday night where the Soccer Saturday crew drink wildly, I mean, prepare for the next day.

Do I get inside info on any clubs or players? Not really. There are certain clubs that, for one reason or another, I've built up a good relationship with, but it's generally teams like Gretna and The New Saints rather than Liverpool or Chelsea. A lot of that info comes from people we meet in the week or even managers and players we've bumped into on a Friday night when we're staying in the hotel.

On other occasions, I'll rely on the pundits for that info. A lot of them still have great links with their former clubs. Matt Le Tissier never has his mobile phone switched off in the studio (which he should have, by the way). Just before last season's transfer window, James Beattie had been in tremendous form for Southampton. Matt and Beats are good friends and, during the show, Le Tiss texted him, saying, ‘We're talking about whether you're going to move or not, mate, what should I tell them?’

Later his phone bleeped and, off-camera, Matt showed me the reply, which was, ‘Tell them, “Fuck all.”’

So we get info that way, and most of the lads are still well connected. Thommo still has his links with Liverpool and chats regularly to Steven Gerrard. He'd never quote him directly, but it gives him an idea of what's going on at Anfield. Le Tiss is still in touch with Southampton. Merse has contacts here, there and everywhere, though he doesn't talk about Walsall (where he had a stab at management) that often, mainly because the fans can't stand him. Charlie is very much ‘in’ with a number of football agents, and my own agent looks after a lot of players. If I'm ever struggling for info I'll call him and say ‘Am I on the right track with this story?’ He'll ring back and say, ‘No Jeff, you're miles away.’

Do I get info that I'm privy to that I can't reveal? There have been instances. When Steve Bruce left Birmingham, we had a pretty good idea on why he went, though we couldn't mention it on air, because it happened for financial reasons. It was also a mathematical conundrum so complicated that Carol Vorderman would have struggled to understand its intricacies. But then, our info on Steve Bruce was always pretty good, because his daughter, Amy, worked on the programme. I remember she came in one morning and told us that her dad had been to see Mamma Mia the previous evening, which we gleefully reported on the show. Of course we refused to let it go. ‘Have they met their Waterloo?’ ‘Will the winner take it all?’ That sort of standard. Sadly Amy has left now. Steve can now sleep on Friday nights knowing that his best-kept secrets will remain just that.

Sometimes you'll go to a dinner or an event and bump into someone interesting. I remember being sat next to Rick Parry at a function and he was telling me about the events taking place behind the scenes at Liverpool. These details weren't for public broadcast because they were confidential, but it gave me an understanding of what was going on at Anfield. In those situations you have to remain discreet. I certainly wouldn't say, ‘Well, Rick Parry mentioned this to me the other night.’ I was told in confidence, so that's how it remains.

As you can see, it's a lot to handle. When it comes to six o'clock on a Saturday evening and the show is over, I can't remember a thing. Absolutely nothing. I guess your brain is like a sponge. It soaks up all the information, you squeeze it all out during the show, and then it's completely dry again, which means I'm absolutely rubbish at pub quizzes. People are forever inviting me, but I always tell them that I'm hopeless. They never believe me, and it's only after four or five questions that they'll realize that I really am bloody rubbish. In reality, I don't have a big library, or a towering stockpile of books and encyclopaedias. I don't have an army of researchers. I'm not a ‘statto’. I am a football fan with a few local newspapers, a laptop, a mobile phone and a Wimpy in a motorway service station. But as you can tell from my svelte figure, I hardly ever use it.

4 You Can Say That Again The Catchphrases Of Soccer Saturday (#ulink_81ad54ca-e8e5-58dd-bc01-6b6dc83233b4)

A few years ago, while buying a sandwich (from the aforementioned motorway service station café in fact), I was approached by a group of Forest fans who wanted to talk about The Good Doctor, or Kenny Deuchar, the one time Gretna and Northampton striker who was also a practising doctor. Like a handful of characters in the game, I'd made a point of referring to his trade whenever he scored - he was a man of medical science, after all - and given his quick thinking in front of goal, I found I was mentioning him quite a lot. It was apparent by the reaction of these lads that, purely by accident, I had created a cult hero.

But The Good Doctor wasn't the only one. Over the years I have name-checked the previously anonymous Adam Stansfield (‘Sister Lisa will be pleased’) of Exeter City, and Arbroath's Kevin Web-ster (‘Sally will be pleased’), not to mention Hartlepool wonderkid, James ‘I Feel Good’ Brown, who gets a mention - and a song -whenever he hits the back of the net. For those of you currently scratching your heads at these ‘gags’, you will be pleased to know that you're about to receive a thorough explanation of each one over the next few pages.

Anyway, I have to admit that in writing this book I've been forced to think of the impact of my jokes as ‘the incomparable ringmaster of Sky's six-hour slog, Soccer Saturday’ (the Independent) and ‘Ranting Jeff’ (the Northern Echo). Unlike broadcasting doyens such as Kenneth ‘They think it's all over …’ Wolstenholme and Les ‘If it's up there I'll give you the money myself’ Dennis, I don't have one single catchphrase to hinge my public image on, which is probably a blessing because on the rare occasions I am asked to sign autographs I can stick to a simple, ‘All the best, Jeff.’

Instead, I've amassed an armoury of silly quips, throwaway gags and ill-advised rants. Some of them have gathered a small amount of cult interest over the years. They also tend to appear on YouTube quite a lot. Maybe it's about time I explained the methods behind the apparent madness …

‘Lisa will be pleased,

Adam Stansfield has scored!’

This was one of the first catchphrases that I ever delivered on the show. Adam Stansfield was playing at Yeovil Town, though he later moved on to the mighty Exeter City. I said it as an aside one afternoon, the link being a reference to 90s pop sensation Lisa Stansfield. Well, we'll use the term ‘sensation’ in the same way that the press refer to Robert Earnshaw as a ‘goalscoring sensation’, that is, a bit hit-and-miss. Of course, they're not really related, but for quite a while people were approaching Adam and asking about the wellbeing of Lisa. Funnier still, the catchphrase threatened to get out of hand. A local newspaper even ran a story revealing how the pair were not really siblings, such was the interest surrounding the Soccer Saturday reference.

Since then, there are a number of variations on the gag: Kevin Webster of Arbroath fame is linked to Sally because of the fictional couple in Corrie; Fulham keeper Tony Warner was linked to his non-existent brothers, after the movie company Warner Bros (do keep up at the back), and Kevin Nolan of Bolton is referred to in the same breath as The Nolan Sisters whenever he scores (‘Kevin Nolan has scored for Bolton, his sisters will be dancing’). I once received a very nice message from Kevin explaining that he doesn't actually have any sisters. He then went on to point out that he does have a lot of brothers, though they're not as easy on the eye as the girl group, I'd imagine. In hindsight, I guess this revelation could have been considered as something of a threat.

‘The Good Doctor’

While flicking through one of the many mountains of local papers I have to absorb every week (by way of research rather than any onset of OCD) I began reading about Kenny Deuchar, a prolific striker for Gretna. According to one report, he was a qualified doctor and still practised in his local hospital from time to time. This was remarkable by any footballer's standards. Can you imagine Cristiano Ronaldo even applying a Band-Aid to a stricken Page Three model, let alone practising lifesaving techniques at his local A&E? Given his worthy day job, I figured Deuchar was somebody who deserved some recognition, so I began referring to him as ‘The Good Doctor’ whenever he scored, which, to his credit, was quite a lot. I even got a very nice letter from him one day thanking me for the publicity.

His biggest fan was Granny Mae, his, er, grandmother. By all accounts, she was an avid viewer of the show and was bowled over by the regular mentions of her grandson on digital telly. In time, I began to mention her, too, and the pair became a bit of a fixture in the cache of Soccer Saturday catchphrases. One day we even went up to Scotland to do a piece on Granny Mae as she watched the show from her living room. Of course, The Good Doctor did what he always did best and popped up with a goal or two, which made for a really nice afternoon. I think Granny Mae was beside herself.

I guess the show is good at bringing out characters like Deucher. He was a player that wouldn't have got any publicity if it hadn't been for us, and to bring personalities to life like that is a vital part of Soccer Saturday. After all, the show would be pretty boring if the only coverage we dedicated to the lower leagues was the results and goalscorers. It really raised his profile – he even got a loan move to Northampton – though the fact he was quite handy in the box must have helped, too. He went to play in the States with Real Salt Lake (only in America) against the likes of David Beckham. God knows what Granny Mae must have made of that, but he's back in Scotland with Hamilton Academical now.

‘They'll be dancing in the streets

of Total Network Solutions!’

This was a play on the famous phrase, ‘They'll be dancing in the streets of Raith Rovers tonight’ which came from TV commentator Sam Leitch in the 1960s. I remember seeing the team name Total Network Solutions on the screen one afternoon and thinking, ‘What the hell is this?’ They happened to be a real team, of course, and a very good one at that – they were based in Llansantffraid-ym-Mechain (thank god they play under a different name) in the Welsh Premier League and tended to score a lot of goals. The more they won, the more their name lent itself to some form of acknowledgement. After yet another TNS goal, and in a flash of quick-witted humour that only a man with several O-levels could deliver, I yelled, ‘And they'll be dancing in the streets of Total Network Solutions tonight!’ It soon became compulsory to throw in the phrase with every TNS win.

It wasn't long before Mike Harris, the managing director of Total Network Solutions, began sending me a pack of TNS-related goodies every year, which included a Total Network Solutions T-shirt, but I've yet to parade this around the high-fashion emporia of Winchester. The club even invited me to their European games in the UEFA Cup, but the journey to Llansantffraid-ym-Mechain always seemed to be a trip too far.

Still, the name is an indication of how football has changed. The club flogged off their real title (Llansantffraid) to a sponsor for £250,000 when they qualified for the European Cup Winners' Cup in 1996, but they weren't the first – Dutch giants PSV are named after a company. But according to the excellent book Prawns In The Game: How Football Got Where It Is Today! by Paul French, which details the state of modern football, ‘Total Network Solutions are the most successful example of a sponsored team … thanks to Jeff Stelling’. That wasn't intended, of course, and I was gutted when they changed their name to The New Saints. It just didn't carry the same punch.

‘Guylain Ndumbu-Nsungu —

local boy made good!’

In the modern age, there are so many foreign players plying their trade across the country, but when an exotic-sounding player ends up in an unlikely location, like Rotherham for example, or Sheffield Wednesday in Guylain Ndumbu-Nsungu's case, it adds extra comedy spice. Some of these player-pronunciations are a real mouthful, and, to be honest, you get through it with trial and error. I think that when players come to this country we tend to anglicize their names, which is fair enough. Sometimes the players even do it themselves. For example, we pronounce the name of the crack German side as Bayern Munich, not Bayern München, which is the correct title. And if we pronounced Dirk Kuyt correctly, we'd run the risk of offending every member of the parish, given it sounds uncannily like a swear word Tony Soprano has only ever used once on the telly.

I know the BBC have a pronunciation guide, but crikey, if we stuck to the official pronunciations on Soccer Saturday, the viewers wouldn't have a clue who we were talking about half the time. Anyone who can understand former Evertonian and ex-panellist Peter Reid's scouse dialect would probably have a distinct advantage, however.

‘I Feel Good!’

For those of you unfamiliar with the Hartlepool United squad – and shame on you for not knowing – James Brown is a hotshot striker and a hell of a good player at Victoria Park. Being a bit of a music fan myself – and a pretty appalling karaoke singer to boot - I figured it might be an idea to pay my respects to his goalscoring feats with a rendition of his namesake's hit single ‘I Feel Good’ every time he hit the back of the net. It was funny for us, but I'd imagine Mr Brown must be absolutely sick of hearing about me terrorizing the nation's dogs with my tuneless singing. It's got to the stage where everybody on the panel looks forward to James Brown scoring. The boys even join in sometimes, but we often have to apologize to the sound crew afterwards.

I did take the joke too far on one occasion when, at the 2007/08 PFA Awards, I was asked to host the ceremony. Among a crowd of football stars and dignitaries, I knew there was a big Hartlepool contingent in attendance so I began singing ‘I feeeeeeeeeel gooooood!’ by way of an introduction. My vocal gymnastics were followed by a crashing silence. Clearly, people were thinking, ‘What the hell is he doing?’ God knows what a watching Fabio Capello must have thought. I'm not sure whether he left in disgust or not, but in one small enclave in a faraway corner, a dozen Hartlepool players were going absolutely mental, so it was worth it.

Then along came the doll. You may have seen it - a two-foot-high James Brown replica that sings and dances to the tune of ‘I Feel Good’ and was given its debut on the show on the opening day of the 2008/09 season. I'd just been to open a children's centre in Hartlepool and a guy had waited outside for three hours to give it to me. As he handed it over he said, ‘Please have this for the show and use it when James Brown scores. It'll put a smile back on the face of football.’ Anyway, when I turned it on and it started singing ‘I feeeeeel good!’ I laughed my cap off.

I'd kept this doll completely to myself through the pre-season of 2008/09, but I was determined to use it on the show. Lo and behold on the first day of the campaign, Hartlepool's James Brown scored and the doll made its first appearance. Alan McInally looked completely bewildered as I put it on the desk. But then moments later, James Brown scored again! I remember saying, ‘How sick are you going to be of this by the end of the season?’

The only problem was that James Brown suddenly stopped scoring for Hartlepool. I put the doll in mothballs in a Sainsbury's carrier bag behind my bed. When he hit the back of the net again, the doll was at home and we had to rely on my vocal chords, which felt a bit second-best, it has to be said.

‘It looks like Jelleyman's Thrown A Wobbly!’

I'd noticed Mansfield's Gareth Jelleyman in a match report one week and thought, ‘What a name! Wouldn't it be great if he was sent off one week.’ I wouldn't wish misfortune on any player, but there was clearly a great gag to be made about him ‘throwing a wobbly’. Jelleyman was also a defender, so I figured he was likely to score a red card during the course of a season, but when I looked through his records, blow me if he hadn't been sent off once in six seasons. Worse, or better depending on your point of view, he'd only picked up nine yellow cards in his entire career. Regardless, I had him in my mind just in case.

Then, it happened. In 2005/06, Mansfield Town were winning at home against Cheltenham by a couple of goals. At the end of the afternoon, when the results were coming in, when there's a furious flurry of goals on-screen and when there isn't the time for joking around, up pops the glorious news in red letters at the bottom of the screen: ‘Off: Gareth Jelleyman’. I thought, ‘Yessss! You beauty!’ I dropped everything. ‘Bugger the scores,’ I thought. ‘Ladies and gentlemen, Gareth Jelleyman's been sent off! It looks like he's thrown a wobbly!’

It was a cheap gag, but I'd waited a long time for that one to come up. Normally I won't plan the gags in advance, but this time it came to me and seemed to make perfect sense. In a strange twist, Gareth was sent off about three months later, so we had a reprise of the gag. I do hope I wasn't responsible for his bad behaviour.

‘He's scored a rocket!’

Used whenever Ayr's Ryan Stevenson scores and a reference to George Stephenson's Rocket steam engine. (Yes, I know – a bit of artistic licence taken with the spelling of the surname.) Ryan scored 17 during the 2007/08 season, so there were plenty of trains during the year. Which is more than can be said for much of the country.

‘One size Fitz Hall’