Jelleyman’s Thrown a Wobbly: Saturday Afternoons in Front of the Telly

[Note to readers: after this top secret mission, Kieron Dyer was ‘relocated’ to West Ham. Maybe something to do with the Witness Protection Plan, who knows?]

For Your Eyes Rodney: After plans for a new digital football highlights service are lost at a motorway service station, BSkyB begin a feverish search for them. As Bond (Stelling, Jeff Stelling) joins the search, he suspects Rodney Marsh of involvement in the affair. Bond finds an ally in the beautiful Kirsty Gallagher, a 12-foot-tall ex-supermodel-turned-secret agent, who blames Marsh for the troubled history of the Tampa Bay Rowdies. The plot thickens when Marsh takes a shine to Bond's bird, leading to Bond's abandonment of his original mission in favour of a bid to assassinate Marsh at the earliest opportunity.

In Her Majesty's Secret Service Station: Sky Sports Boss ‘M’ (Rupert Murdoch) assigns 007 (Stelling, Jeff Stelling) with the task of formulating a plan to foil the ambitions of BBC One's Football Latest programme, hated rival of Gillette Soccer Saturday. 007 repairs to his habitual haunt, Winchester Services on the M3, and enjoys his favourite, a pint of extrastrong coffee and a scone with butter.

Like I say, the internet is a scary place. But, if you ever feel bored one Saturday afternoon, if you're desperately single, or if you want to know what it must have been like to have been a footballer from the 1970s, why not play the official Soccer Saturday Drinking Game? If you're brave enough, the rules are as follows:

Necessary equipment:

Lager

A bottle of Jägermeister

A bottle of whisky

Red Bull

A sick bag

Current Rules:

1 Every time a goal is scored: one shot of beer must be drunk.

2 Every sending-off: one shot of Jägermeister (or substitute) must be downed.

3 Half-time: absolutely no alcoholic beverages may be imbibed during this period.

4 Whenever Chris Kamara is talking: you must be drinking continually.

5 Whenever Paul Merson uses stupid rhyming slang (i.e. ‘He's hit the beans on toast!’): one shot of Jägermeister must be drunk.

6 In the second half, competitors can only refer to teams by their nicknames: failure to do so results in a three-beer-shot penalty.

7 Whenever Swindon Town appear on the videprinter: last person to shout out, ‘Mackerel!’ takes shot of Jägermeister.

8 Whenever Dundee appear on the videprinter: last person to shout out, ‘Football’ takes shot of Jägermeister.

9 Every time Phil Thompson says, ‘Stevie Gerrard’: three shots of beer must be drunk.

10 Every time Jeff makes an ‘A. Trialist’ joke: three shots of beer must be drunk.

11 Each time your team scores: two extra shots of beer must be drunk.

12 Every time Matty Taylor and ‘goal of the season’ are mentioned in the same sentence: drink one shot of Jägermeister.

13 Every time Jeff calls Kenny Deucher ‘The Good Doctor’: one shot of whisky must be drunk. Note: Given that Deucher now rubs shoulders with the likes of David Beckham in the MLS, this rule is now defunct.

14 Any hint of racism (social or otherwise) from any of the pundits: ‘Quad bombs’ (four cocktails made of Jägermeister and Red Bull) must be drunk by all competitors.Further note: This is a hugely unlikely incident, though I do remember one Spurs game being watched by Charlie Nicholas. The elastic on someone's shorts had gone and a replacement pair were fetched by the backroom staff. ‘Here's one for the girls,’ laughed Charlie. ‘His shorts are around his ankles!’ Thommo looked over and quipped, ‘Maybe it's one for the boys.’ Without thinking, I said, ‘Maybe, but not the boys I associate with.’ Later, there was a complaint that I had made a homophobic remark, though that was never the intention.

15 Every time Hartlepool score a goal: three shots of beer.Highly unlikely to get you drunk on an afternoon. More's the pity.

16 Every time a pundit shouts off-camera: two shots of beer must be knocked back.Of course, this happens all the time, though it all adds to the drama of the show. The studio is meant to have a relaxed atmosphere. People have said that the show thrives on bar-room conversation, but I'd like to think that it has a more intelligent angle than that. But basically it is five mates standing in the pub talking about football, having a bit of a laugh and then watching the game afterwards. And yes, there is plenty of shouting. In fact, the studio has everything you'd want from a pub apart from alcohol, though if the guys had their way, they would have that, too.

17 Every time Matt Le Tissier is mentioned in connection with a takeaway: drink one shot of Jägermeister.

18 Whenever Chris Kamara says, ‘it's unbelievable, Jeff:’ all drinks must be downed.In the 2007/08 season, Kammy was reporting on Spurs' 6–4 win over Reading at White Hart Lane. It was a quite spectacular performance from both the teams, and Kammy, who commentated on the game like a hyperactive Take That fan. When the show was over, a stack of emails were placed on my desk begging me to stop Kammy from shouting ‘Unbelievable!’ Apparently, there was a gang of drinkers in Brighton who were absolutely shot away.

19 Every time Jeff uses the phrase, ‘They'll be dancing in the streets of Total Network Solutions tonight’: take one shot of Jägermeister. This also counts if the team is referred to by their new name, The New Saints.

20 Every time Jeff says, ‘it's Doom and Gloom at …’: take one shot of Jägermeister.

21 Every time the team ‘Keith’ is referred to as just being one person: another shot of Jägermeister to be drunk by all.

22 Every time Brighton and Hove Albion, or Dagenham and Redbridge, are jokingly referred to as two different teams playing the same opposition: take one shot of Jägermeister.

23 Every time Arbroath striker Kevin Webster scores and Jeff jokes, ‘Oh, Sally will be pleased’: one shot of Jägermeister.

24 Every time anything bad happens to Craig Bellamy (injury, o.g., booked, arrested for assault, and so on): two celebratory shots of the spirit of choice.Note: Of course, I would never wish anything bad on Craig Bellamy. He is a fine, upstanding professional. Ahem. Feel free to pick your own villain of choice.

25 Whenever Northampton Town appear on the videprinter: last person to shout out, ‘Cobblers!’ has to neck a shot of Jägermeister.

26 Whenever the Carlos Tevez affair/scandal is mentioned: drink a shot of Jägermeister. This is now getting out-of-date, so maybe an updated version of the rules could feature the Gareth Barry/Liverpool affair instead? it's entirely up to you, dear drunkard.

Of course, given the current concerns over binge-drinking, and the never-to-be-forgotten pictures from Wayne Rooney's wedding, neither I nor anyone from Sky Sports (not even Paul Merson) would condone this irresponsible behaviour. Please drink sensibly – unless accompanied by an irresponsible ex-footballer from the 1970s, of course. Good luck!

6 What The Critics Said (#ulink_d5a04edf-c60b-562c-9d96-f6e96a2a50ba)

Sky Sports' Soccer Saturday. A form of worship for some us, but if you're not converted, or have a life, then let me explain. It's all talk and no action in the Soccer Saturday studio. A bunch of fat footballers who spend six bum-numbing hours trying (and often failing) to describe matches with nothing more dramatic for viewers to watch than the shaving adverts that arrive every 20 minutes …

[They feature] a panel of four ex-pros every week. Typically Matt Le Tissier, Phil Thompson, Alan McInally and Charlie Nicholas. Fence-sitting ‘110 per centers’ to a man, all speaking a Yoda-ish, back-to-front footballers' English and each with their own verbal tics.

Phil Thompson, for instance, cannot complete a sentence without punctuating it with the words ‘and everything’. A form of Tourette's that would drive a lesser man to beat him with a baseball bat.

ALLY ROSS, THE SUN

If Le Tissier is to make the chair his own, he will have to get used to jibes about his size, fitness and attachment to the south coast. ‘it's a joke decision,’ said Le Tissier of Steve Bennett's penalty award for Portsmouth. ‘Something's got to be done about him.’

‘Steve Bennett, Gordon Bennett,’ Stelling commented, a sigh accompanying the stiletto. Brilliant.

ALAN FRASER, DAILY MAIL

Sportscaster, Jeff Stelling

Stelling is the presenter of Sky Sports' live football show, Soccer Saturday, and during his tenure his dapper style, lightning wit, corny one-liners and general over-excitement have earned him the title Broadcaster of the Year three times. Despite rumours of a big-money transfer, Stelling has remained loyal to the station, and that news should, as Jeff might say, delight football fans everywhere – from Kevin Nolan and his sisters to the supporters of Brighton and of Hove Albion.

NO. 51 IN 100 BEST THINGS 1998–2008, GQ

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