Driving Jarvis Ham

‘Don’t remember.’

‘You do.’

Jarvis came out from the trees, still zipping his flies and looking down at the front of his trousers.

‘For a million pounds …’ he said.

‘No. I wouldn’t.’

Why couldn’t I have been sat next to sweet freckle-faced Suzie Barnado?

JARVIS GOES TO DRAMA CLUB

MARCH 8th 1991

Drama Club was brilliant tonight. We played a game called Meeeoowwwmmm Screeech! where we stood in a circle and passed a toy car around. If we had the car and somebody shouted Screeech! we had to quickly stop and pass the car back in the opposite direction. We also played another game where we stood in a circle and one person had to leave the room and while they were gone one of the others would be made leader. When the person came back the leader would do small movements and the others would copy him and the person who’d left would have to guess who the leader was. It’s difficult to explain on paper.

MARCH 15th 1991

At Drama Club tonight we sat in a circle, Pamela started a story and threw a tennis ball to one of us. When we caught the tennis ball we had to carry on the story. I would have been brilliant at this but I’m rubbish at catching.

MARCH 23rd 1991

At Drama Club last night we made a short list of ideas for our spring production for Local Heroes of History Month. It’s going to be brilliant. Very brilliant.

MARCH 30th 1991

Tonight everybody stood in a circle and one of us had to be a murderer and one of us a detective. The murderer had to kill everyone else by winking at them and the detective had to guess who the murderer was before they’d killed all of Drama Club. Just before it was time to leave Pamela told everyone to stand in a circle for a new game. She told us to close our eyes. The next thing that happened was everyone started singing happy birthday and when I opened my eyes Sandra had brought in a birthday cake for me. I blew out the candles and everybody cheered and someone started shouting ‘Bumps! Bumps!’ but I don’t like the bumps and so they let me off. It’s not actually my birthday until tomorrow but I didn’t let that spoil it.

APRIL 6th 1991

I was very disappointed to not get the role of Sir Francis Drake in Drama Club’s production of El Draco for Local Heroes of History Month.

The actual medium of delivery of that last entry probably tells us more than the words themselves. I’ve taken it out of context. Here it is back in the context I found it.

Jarvis Ham

Ham and Hams Teahouse

Fore Street

Mini Addledford

Devon

Pamela Finch Masters

The South Hams Am-Dram Players

The Hall

Parsonage Road

Devon

6th April 1991

Dear Pamela,

I was very disappointed to not get the role of Sir Francis Drake in Drama Club’s production of El Draco for Local Heroes of History Month.

Yours faithfully

Jarvis Ham

PS: I feel I can no longer attend Drama Club

After Jarvis leaves Drama Club the diary action goes quiet for a bit. And then this is published.

JUNE 7th 1992

And then it all goes quiet again, because Jarvis has always been a slow reader.

Until.

DECEMBER 2nd 1992

DIANA (REVISED)

When you came to Devon that day

To open a leisure centre

When you pressed a button and turned on the flumes

When you played snooker for the press

And then when you went walkabout

When you walked about past Milletts, past Marks and Spencer

When people gave you flowers

And they sang happy birthday

When I waited behind the barrier

When I waited