Driving Jarvis Ham

Because the diary is for the wrong year all the days of the week are wrong.

JARVIS GETS A GIRLFRIEND

MONDAY SATURDAY NOVEMBER 8th 1986 1993

After a boring amount of time spent working in the most boring job in the whole boring world something happened that wasn’t boring. There’s a new girl who works in the food hall at the garden centre. And she looks like Diana. (Lunch = fish fingers, chips and peas)

THURSDAY TUESDAY NOVEMBER 11th 1986 1993

I stood in the longer queue at the food hall yesterday because the girl who looks like Diana was working on that till. The queue was so slow I nearly didn’t have time to eat my lunch. (Lasagne)

MONDAY SATURDAY NOVEMBER 15th 1986 1993

Some schoolboys came into the shop today and stole the helicopter I was flying. They just snatched it out of the air and ran away with it. The manager called the police but they didn’t catch them. The funny thing is they won’t be able to fly the helicopter because I still had the remote control, ha ha ha.

WEDNESDAY MONDAY NOVEMBER 17th 1986 1993

Chose the slow and long Diana lunch queue again. (Some pasta dish or other)

THURSDAY TUESDAY NOVEMBER 18th 1986 1993

Today those schoolboys came back and stole the remote control.

FRIDAY WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 19th 1986 1993

I think the name badge of the girl who looks like Diana says Jennifer Fer. I didn’t want to look too long in case she thought I was a sex pervert. (Fish cakes)

SATURDAY THURSDAY NOVEMBER 20th 1986 1993

Jennifer Fer (that’s definitely her name) (Shepherd’s pie and a banana milkshake) (Not together)

SUNDAY FRIDAY NOVEMBER 21st 1986 1993

Helping Dad in the teahouse today because Mum is ill. Kept thinking about Jennifer Fer.

MONDAY SATURDAY NOVEMBER 22nd 1986 1993

No Jennifer Fer in the food hall today.

TUESDAY SUNDAY NOVEMBER 23rd 1986 1993

Still no Jennifer Fer.

Uh oh, another poem.

TUESDAY SUNDAY NOVEMBER 23rd 1986 1993

Jennifer

Jennifer

Jennifer Fer

Jennifer

Jennifer

Jennifer Fer

Obviously a work in progress.

WEDNESDAY MONDAY NOVEMBER 24th 1986 1993

Jennifer is back! (Mushroom stroganoff)

THURSDAY TUESDAY NOVEMBER 25th 1986 1993

Jennifer gave me an extra roast potato with my lunch today. She had tinsel in her hair. And extra gravy (Not in her hair) (On my plate) (ha ha). After work I went to watch a local DJ switching on the Christmas lights in the village. They’d built a small tower from scaffolding and he stood on a platform on top of the tower next to a lady from the council and together they pulled (or pushed) a switch and the lights came on. It was rubbish. I wish Jennifer Fer was there though. One day I will have to come back by aeroplane from Hollywood or somewhere to turn on the Christmas lights in my old village. Maybe Jennifer Fer will be with me. But maybe she’ll be called Jennifer Ham then.

FRIDAY WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 26th 1986 1993

Jennifer sat at the same table as me on her coffee break. There were lots of other emptier tables she could have sat at instead. So it must have been her deliberate choice. She said hello and I said hello but then I had to say goodbye straight away as I was going to be late back at work. She smelled of Fruit Salad chews. (Can’t remember what I ate)

SATURDAY THURSDAY NOVEMBER 27th 1986 1993

At lunchtime someone set off the fire alarm in the food hall and we had to all go and stand outside until the fire brigade came. When we were outside Jennifer Fer came up to me and asked me what my name was and where I worked and things like that. I told her I demonstrated model helicopters at the toyshop next door, although I was really an actor and it was good practice for performing for the public. (Sausages, green beans and potatoes) ((Left to go cold on table during fire alarm)) (((It wasn’t me who set off the alarm just so I could talk to Jennifer Fer))) ((((Although it would have been a brilliant idea if it had been))))

SUNDAY FRIDAY NOVEMBER 28th 1986 1993

Helping Dad again. Dropped a trifle and Dad started to cry a bit. I think it’s because Mum is ill. Kept thinking about Jennifer.

TUESDAY SUNDAY NOVEMBER 30th 1986 1993

ST ANDREW’S DAY

Jennifer came and watched me fly helicopters.

WEDNESDAY MONDAY DECEMBER 1st 1986 1993

I was in the lunch queue and Jennifer Fer pinched and punched me for the first of the month. (Shepherd’s pie)

THURSDAY TUESDAY DECEMBER 2nd 1986 1993

I’m taking Jennifer out on Friday!! (Baked potato and coleslaw)

‘Could we have a table by the window please?’ Jarvis had asked the rather handsome young waiter when he came in through the restaurant doors with Jennifer Fer as though he was some Hollywood big shot and it was a packed out exclusive and impossible to get a table in sort of restaurant.

It wasn’t.