The Dictionary of Body Language

41. BLINK RATE—Blink rates can vary depending on environment and the amount of stress or arousal a person is experiencing. Each individual is different, but a typical rate is between sixteen and twenty blinks per minute, depending on lighting conditions and humidity. People looking at computers blink less (many of whom complain of dry eyes or eye infections—tears have antibacterial properties), while those who work where there is dust or pollen will blink more. Also, be aware that wearing contact lenses can increase how often we blink. When we are around someone who arouses us, our blink rate also tends to increase.

42. FREQUENT BLINKING—People who are nervous, tense, or stressed will generally blink more rapidly than those who are not. Frequent blinking is erroneously associated with deception. It is only indicative of stress or other factors noted above as even the honest blink more frequently when being questioned aggressively.

43. EYE CONTACT—Eye contact is governed by cultural norms and personal preferences. In some cultures it is permissible to look at someone for three to four seconds, while in others anything beyond two seconds is considered rude. Culture also determines who can look at whom. Even in America, eye contact is determined by what area of the country you are from. In New York City, staring at someone for more than a second and a half might be perceived as an affront. Particular ethnic and cultural groups have their own norms. For instance, many African American and Hispanic children are taught to look down when addressed by elders, as a form of respect.

44. EYE AVOIDANCE—We avoid eye contact when it is inconvenient to talk to someone, or when we find a person unlikable, obnoxious, or repressive. In prison, for example, inmates will avoid eye contact with jailers or inmates known to be aggressive. Eye avoidance can be temporary or long term. Temporarily, people might avert their eyes when a person does something embarrassing. And in the United States, unlike other parts of the world, when we are in close proximity, as in an elevator, we tend to avoid making eye contact with strangers and even with those we know, especially if there are strangers present. Eye avoidance is not indicative of deception, but it can indicate shame or embarrassment.

45. GAZE SUPERIORITY—All over the world, studies have shown that high-status individuals engage in more eye contact, while both speaking and listening. Less powerful people tend to make more eye contact with these higher-status individuals while listening but less while speaking. In Japan as well as other Asian Pacific countries this is even more pronounced. Incidentally, we tend to favor individuals who make direct eye contact with us, especially if they are of higher status. Eye contact from high social status individuals, movie stars, for instance, makes us feel favored.

46. EYE-CONTACT SEEKING—When we are interested in starting a conversation, whether in a social or a dating environment, we will actively scan until we make eye contact that says “I am here—please talk to me.”

47. GAZE AND SENTIMENTS—Around the world, those who study dating cues have noted that oftentimes the first clue that people’s feeling for each other have changed is how they look at each other. Long before words are exchanged, the look of increased interest telegraphs that the relationship is changing from friendly to more intimate. How Julie Andrews (as Maria) began to change the way she looked at Christopher Plummer (Captain Von Trapp) in the movieThe Sound of Music or how Emma Stone (Mia) changed the way she looked at Ryan Gosling’s character (Sebastian) in La La Land is emblematic of how our gaze changes to reflect our changing sentiment before our words do. It is true in real life as well as in the movies.

48. GAZE ENGAGING—This is a behavior intended to get the attention of another person in a warm or romantic way. What makes this behavior stand out is the softness of the face and the repeated attempts to connect, eye to eye, always with a gentleness of the eyes, face, and mouth. We most often see this in dating settings, where it lets the other person know you are interested in further contact or proximity. I have seen strangers engage gazes across broad spaces, communicating their yearning.

49. GAZING VERSUS STARING—There is a big difference between gazing at someone and staring at someone. Staring tends to be more impersonal, distant, or confrontational, signaling that we find someone suspicious, alarming, or odd. On the other hand, gazing signals that we take comfort in someone, a much more inviting behavior. When we stare we are on alert; when we gaze we are intrigued, even welcoming. Staring can trigger offense, especially in close quarters such as a bus or subway.

50. CLOSED EYES—During a meeting, someone with closed eyes that take a long time to open or that suddenly shut and remain so for longer than usual is probably having issues. It is a blocking behavior that reveals dislike, concern, disbelief, or worries—some form of psychological discomfort. Long delays in eye opening reveal deep concern. Conversely, in an intimate setting, closed eyes say, “I trust you, I am blocking everything else out, and I am in the moment with my other senses.” Notably, even children born blind will cover their eyes when they hear things they don’t like or they find troubling.

51. EYES CLOSING FOR EMPHASIS—Oftentimes, when we want to emphasize something or agree in congruence, we will close the eyes ever so briefly. It is a way of affirming what is being said. As with all behaviors, context is key to ensure it is not a reflection of disagreement.

52. COVERING OF EYES—Sudden covering of the eyes with a hand or fingers is a blocking behavior associated with a negative event, such as the revelation of bad news or threatening information. It also indicates negative emotions, worry, or lack of confidence. You also see it with people who have been caught doing something wrong. As I note above, congenitally blind children will also do this, though they cannot explain why; clearly this behavior has an ancient evolutionary basis.

53. EYES CLOSED, RUBBING BRIDGE OF NOSE—Individuals who close their eyes and rub the bridge of their nose at the same time are transmitting that they are concerned or worried. This is both a blocking behavior and a pacifier, usually associated with negative emotions, dislike, insecurities, concern, or anxiety.

54. CRYING—Crying serves a variety of personal as well as social purposes, most notably providing a cathartic emotional release. Unfortunately, children also learn quickly that crying can be used as a tool to manipulate, and some adults don’t hesitate to use it similarly. In observing a person’s behavior, crying should not be given any more weight than other signals that a person is having a hard time. Crying, if it occurs with great frequency, can also let us know when someone is clinically depressed or struggling psychologically.

55. CRYING WHILE CLUTCHING OBJECTS—Individuals who cry while clutching at their neck, necklace, or shirt collar are likely undergoing more serious negative emotions than a person merely crying.

56. EYES DARTING—Eyes that dart back and forth feverishly are usually associated with the processing of negative information, doubt, anxiety, fear, or concern. Use this behavior in conjunction with other information such as facial tension or chin withdrawal (see #184) to provide a more accurate assessment. It should be noted that some people will dart their eyes back and forth as they analyze a situation, consider options, or think of solutions. This behavior alone is not itself indicative of deception.

57. EYE-ACCESSING CUES—As we process a thought, an emotion, or a question posed to us, we tend to look laterally, downward, or up and to the side. This is referred to as conjugate lateral eye movement (CLEM) in the scientific literature. There has been a myth for decades, now well debunked by more than twenty studies, that a person looking away or to the side while answering a question is being deceptive. All we can say when someone looks in a certain direction as they process a question or as they answer it, is that they are thinking—it is not per se indicative of deception.

58. EYELIDS FLUTTERING—Sudden eyelid fluttering suggests that something is wrong or that a person is struggling with something (think of the actor Hugh Grant, who often flutters his eyes on-screen when he has issues or has messed something up). People often flutter their eyes when they are struggling to find the right word or can’t believe what they just heard or witnessed. Incredulity is often observed as eyelid fluttering.

59. EYE POINTING—In some cultures an index finger just under an eye communicates doubt or suspicion. But many people across cultures also do this subconsciously in the form of a light scratching motion as they ponder or question something being said. When traveling abroad, ask locals if this means anything special. In Romania, I was told that the finger under the eye was a sign often used to communicate “Be careful, we don’t trust everyone who is listening.”

60. EYE-POINTING CLUSTER—Pointing of the index finger just under the eye (see #59) clustered with eyebrow arching and compressed lips simultaneously conveys doubt, bewilderment, or incredulity. This is especially accurate if the chin is tucked in rather than jutted out.

61. EYE ROLLING—Rolling of the eyes communicates contempt, disagreement, or dislike. Children often do it to their parents to communicate contention or rebellion. It has no place in a professional setting.

62. EYELID TOUCHING—Eyelid touching can be a form of eye blocking coupled with tension relief. Often when people say something they shouldn’t have, people nearby will touch or scratch their closed eyelid—this is a good indicator that something improper was uttered. You see this often with politicians when one misspeaks and another catches it.

63. FATIGUED EYES—Fatigue usually shows in the eyes first. The eyes and the area around them look strained, puffy, weathered, even discolored. This may be due to long hours working; external factors, such as stress; or crying.

64. FAR-OFF LOOK—When alone, or even in conversation with others, staring into the distance, avoiding distractions, allows some people to think or contemplate more effectively. This may be a signal not to interrupt someone when they are deep in thought or recollection.

65. GLAZED EYES—Any number of things can cause the eyes to look glazed, including drugs such as marijuana and alcohol as well as more dangerous substances. When trying to assess whether a person is under the influence of drugs or alcohol, an observer will want to take other behaviors into consideration, such as slurred speech or slowness to respond.

66. LOOKING ASKANCE—Looking askance (sideways) is often used to show a person’s doubt, reluctance to commit, disregard, suspiciousness, or even contempt. It is a universal look that reflects disbelief, concerns, or incredulity.

67. LOOKING AT CEILING OR SKY—We often see this dramatic look upward at the sky, with the head tilted back, when suddenly things seem impossible or a person has had a run of bad luck. We see this in sports, such as when a golfer misses a putt. It is a look of disbelief, as if imploring someone on high, in the heavens, to help us or take pity on us. This behavior does have some utility; stress causes tension of the neck, which this position can help relieve by stretching the sternocleidomastoid muscles of the neck.

68. LOOKING FOR ACCEPTANCE—When individuals lack confidence or lie, they tend to scrutinize their audience, scanning faces to see if they are being believed. This behavior is not necessarily demonstrative of deception, only of seeking acceptance for what is said. A rule of thumb: the truth teller merely conveys, while the liar often tries to convince.

69. EYES LOWERED—This is different from eye avoidance in that the individual does not break eye contact but rather shows deference, piety, humility, or contriteness by slightly lowering the eyes so that eye contact is not direct or intense. This is often culture based, and we see it frequently with children who are taught not to look back at elders or authority figures when being chastised. Black and Latino children are often taught to look down as a form of respect, which should in no circumstances be confused for an attempt to deceive. In Japan it is rude to stare intently at the eyes of a person you meet for the first time; at a minimum, the eyelids must be lowered out of social deference.

70. SAD EYES—Eyes look sad, dejected, or depressed when the upper eyelids droop and seem to have no energy. The look may be similar, however, to eyelids drooping from fatigue.

71. LOOKING AWAY—Looking away when conversing has to be viewed in context. When there is psychological comfort, such as when talking to friends, we may feel relaxed enough to look away as we tell a story or remember something from the past. Many individuals find looking away helps them recall details. Looking away is not an indication of deception or lying.

72. LONG STARE—In conversations, silence is often accompanied by a long stare. It can be directed at a person or at something in the distance; it merely indicates that the person is in deep thought or processing information.

73. SQUINTING—Squinting is an easy way to register displeasure or concern, especially when we hear or see something we don’t like. Some people squint whenever they hear something bothersome, making this an accurate reflection of their feelings. But keep in mind that we also squint when we are simply focusing on something or trying to make sense of something we have heard, so context is crucial in interpreting this behavior.

74. SQUINTING (SLIGHT)—Often when we are subduing anger we will squint slightly with lowered eyelids. This behavior (narrowing of the slits of the eyes) must be considered in context with other behaviors such as facial tension or, in extreme circumstances, the making of a fist.

75. STARING AGGRESSIVELY—A stare can intimidate or serve as the prelude to an altercation. Aggression is signaled by the laser-like focus on the eyes, with no attempt to look away or even blink. Interestingly, other primates also engage in this behavior when observing behaviors that are not tolerated or when there is about to be a physical confrontation.

76. ANGRY EYES—Anger is usually displayed by a constellation of facial cues beginning with the distinctive narrowing of the eyes near the nose (like this: ˃ ˂ ), coupled with a wrinkled or dilated nose and sometimes the pulling back of the lips to reveal clenched teeth.

77. EYES WIDENING (STIFF)—Eyes that remain wide usually indicate stress, surprise, fear, or a significant issue. If the eyes remain stiffly wide longer than usual, something is definitely wrong. This is usually caused by an external stimulus.

78. EYE ADORNMENT—Since the time of the Egyptian pyramids, women and men across the globe have adorned their eyes (eyelids, under the eye, the sides, etc.) with a variety of colors to make themselves more aesthetically appealing. Using inks, dyes, minerals, and oils, people have made this part of their cultural traditions, and it has been passed down to our modern society for a reason: it works. We are attracted to eyes, even more so when they are adorned with colors. We are also attracted to long, thick eyelashes—something that mostly women but some men accentuate to make themselves more appealing.

The Ears

Cute ears, little ears, sagging ears, deformed ears, big ears, perforated ears, adorned ears. Our ears stick out—sometimes quite literally—and serve some obvious practical functions, from collecting information through sound waves to helping us dissipate heat. But the ears have other utilities you might not have thought about, offering significant nonverbal communication. We know from research that in the early stages of a relationship, lovers spend time studying each other’s ears—how they are shaped, how warm they are, how they respond to human touch and even emotions. The ears communicate much more than we think, and in ways that can be quite surprising.

79. EARLOBE PULLING OR MASSAGING—Pulling on or massaging the earlobe tends to have a subtle, soothing effect when we are stressed or merely contemplating something. I also associate earlobe rubbing with doubt, hesitation, or weighing of options. In some cultures it means that a person has reservations or is not sure about what is being said. Actor Humphrey Bogart was notorious for playing with his earlobe as he pondered questions.

80. EAR FLUSHING OR BLUSHING—Sudden, noticeable flushing of the skin of the ear, as with other parts of the body (face, neck) may be caused by anger, embarrassment, hormonal changes, reactions to medicine, or autonomic arousal caused by fear or anxiety. The skin covering the ear turns pink, red, or purplish. The skin might also feel hot to the touch. Just having one’s personal space violated might cause this reaction. Most people have no control over skin blushing (hyperemia) and for some it is very embarrassing.

81. EAR LEANING—Turning or leaning our ear toward a speaker conveys that we are listening intently, we want something repeated, or we are hard of hearing. This may be followed by cupping of the ear to literally collect more sound. In dating, we will allow someone we like intimately to draw near our ear, especially when it is extended in that person’s direction.

82. LISTENING—Active listening is an essential nonverbal in both professional and personal settings. It communicates that we are interested, receptive, or empathetic. Good listeners yield their turn, wait to speak, and are patient when others are speaking. To accomplish this we make sure that we face the person we are interested in hearing so that both ears can receive the message.

83. EAR ORNAMENTATION—There are any number of ways to decorate, deform, perforate, color, plug, or change the natural look of the ears to fit cultural norms. Ear ornamentation is mostly culture-specific and serves a clear purpose—to communicate social status, courtship availability, or group identification. Ear ornamentation often gives us very accurate insight into a person’s background, occupation, social status, heritage, or personality.

84. SCARRED EARS—Heat, chemicals, or trauma can damage ear cartilage and tissue. Rugby players, wrestlers, and judokas are susceptible to damaged ears, sometimes called “cauliflower ears.”

The Nose

At birth, all mammals’ noses seek out the mother’s milk, which allows them to survive. As humans grow older, our noses continue to help us find the foods we like and to keep us safe, warning us of food that is putrefied or of odors that would do us harm, while helping to filter the air that enters our lungs. When it comes to romance and intimacy, our noses pick up on others’ pheromones, making us draw closer while helping us determine subconsciously whether or not we like a person. We may pierce our noses or shape them, as a result of cultural cues, to be thinner, wider, less curved, or more petite. The muscles that cover and surround the nose are so sensitive that when we dislike what we smell, they immediately contract, wrinkling our noses to reveal our disgust. Noses help to distinguish us from others physically, they protect us from harmful chemicals and bacteria, and as you will see, they are essential to communication and to understanding others.

85. COVERING NOSE WITH BOTH HANDS—The sudden covering of the nose and mouth with both hands is associated with shock, surprise, insecurity, fear, doubt, or apprehension. We witness this at tragic events such as car accidents and natural disasters as well as when someone receives horrible news. Evolutionary psychologists speculate that this behavior may have been adapted so that predators, such as lions or hyenas, would not hear us breathing. It is seen universally.