Josephine Cox 3-Book Collection 2: The Loner, Born Bad, Three Letters

She gave a nervous little laugh. ‘You can’t love me! Don’t talk like that, Lenny.’

‘But it’s true, and I know you feel something for me, Judy. At least, I hope so … oh, I do hope so.’

Afraid of hurting him, she said softly, ‘I like you, yes of course I do, Lenny, but as a friend.’

‘You could learn to love me though, couldn’t you?’

Unnerved and unsure, she walked on, and he went with her. ‘Lenny, I don’t know what to say,’ she told him eventually. ‘I never knew you felt like that about me, and I wish I could say I felt the same way, but I don’t … I can’t!’

Desperate now, he drew her to a halt again. ‘Is that because you love Davie, the same way I love you? Is that why you can’t love me?’

Judy took a moment to answer. ‘I didn’t realise how I felt about Davie, until he went away,’ she explained. ‘Davie was just Davie – part of my life, part of my growing up. He was always there, ever since I can remember. We were best friends, and then, after he’d gone … I felt different somehow. I didn’t understand at first, but I do now. And yes, I do love him – in the same way you say you love me. I’m sorry, Lenny. Really I am.’

‘But he might not love you in that way.’ The words were harsh.

‘I know.’

‘If he did love you, he would have been back long ago.’ Harsher still.

‘I know that too.’

‘Oh, Judy! One way or another, you’re bound to get hurt,’Lenny warned.‘If he comes back and your love isn’t returned, how will you feel then? And besides, Davie may never come back.’ In a way, Lenny wished he wouldn’t. ‘But I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. I’ll always be here, loving—’

‘Stop!’ Putting her fingers against his mouth, Judy said, ‘Please, Lenny, don’t say any more. I don’t want our friendship to be spoiled. I just want things to go on as they were … please?’

‘I’m sorry.’ He took hold of her hand and for a moment held it tight, before drawing away. ‘I don’t want to lose what we have either,’ he told her, ‘so I promise not to mention it again. But I won’t ever give up.’ He smiled, a quick bright smile that belied the bitter disappointment. ‘Deal?’

She nodded. ‘It’s a deal.’

Reaching down, he gave her a fleeting kiss on the side of her face. ‘See you later then?’

‘Yes, Lenny,’ she answered. ‘See you later.’

Another smile, then he turned on his heel and was gone.

Her mind alive with the conversation between herself and Lenny, Judy hurried away to Annie’s house. She could not rid herself of what Lenny had just told her. She went deep inside herself to find a response to his love, but there was nothing, except fondness and respect, and a long-standing friendship between herself, Lenny and Annie.

The thought of Annie brought her up sharply. Something about Annie’s face whenever she talked about Lenny, who was her boss these days, as well as her friend, made her stop and think. But then she dismissed it, because Annie would have told her if she still had designs on Lenny in that way. Oh yes, three or four years ago, when they were still at school, she had had a major crush on him, had gone all moony whenever their paths crossed, but that was then and this was now. Annie was like a moth, flitting from one boy to another, an out-and-out flirt looking for fun, and as far as Judy could tell, it never went any further than that.

However, Annie did have a serious side, though she hardly ever showed it, these days. And for Judy, that was a troublesome thing, because she had always sensed another, lonelier Annie.

Where Lenny was concerned, had he really meant what he said, about loving her, or was it just a passing fancy? But then she recalled the depth of sincerity in his eyes and the tremor in his voice when he confessed his feelings. And she knew he was deadly serious.

What if he was right? Judy asked herself fearfully. What if Davie was never to come back, and she was destined to grow old and lonely without him? Could she learn to love Lenny? Was it possible to learn to love someone?

The answer had to be no. She thought of her own parents, and their deep affection for each other; the analysis of love that Beth had given her, the night Davie had slept in their barn. Besides, she had explained the way of things to Lenny, and he had accepted it. The air was cleared between them, and they were still best friends as always. Nothing lost. Nothing gained.

And now she was at Annie’s front door about to knock, when her friend came rushing out, saying, ‘Let’s go!’ She must have seen Judy coming.

Judy followed her friend as she went at a run up the street. ‘What’s wrong? Where’s the fire?’ she called out, hurrying after her.

At the top of the street, Annie slowed down, her troubled eyes looking back towards the house. Judy thought she saw a flicker of fear in them.

‘Annie, what’s up? Are you all right?’ she asked anxiously.

They turned the corner and Annie seemed to relax, though she was still lost in a strange and sombre mood.

Judy ran in front of her and blocked her path. ‘OK what’s wrong?’

‘Dunno what you mean.’

‘Yes, you do. You came out the house as if the devil himself was after you. Somebody’s upset you, haven’t they?’

Annie hung her head and for a moment it seemed she might confide in her friend. But when she looked up again, the smileon her face was radiant. ‘Come on, you,’ she told Judy. ‘Let’s have some fun, eh?’

With that she ran on and the other girl had no choice but to run after her. ‘Hold on, you’ve got longer legs than me,’ she panted. Even though Annie had already dismissed the incident, Judy knew very well that something sinister had been going on.

Annie kept running, faster and faster, until as they came onto the canal bridge, Judy had to stop. ‘I’ve got a stitch!’ she called out. Annie was bigger and stronger, and at the minute she seemed possessed. ‘You go on. I’ll catch up in a minute.’

Realising she had almost lost control, Annie came running back. ‘I’m sorry.’ Having tried and failed to rid herself of the torment she was in, she too was exhausted. ‘I didn’t mean to run away like that.’

Snatching at every breath, Judy found she was angry. ‘Yes, you did! You’re in some kind of trouble, and you can’t trust me with the truth.’ Uprighting herself, and taking a long gulp of fresh air, Judy led the way slowly towards the canal.

Annie followed without saying a word. Inside, she was desperately wrestling with what Judy had said just now – about not trusting her with the truth. For a long time now, she had wanted to confide in her friend, but what she had to tell was so awful, she could not bring herself to burden someone else with it. ‘Look,’ she drew Judy to a stop. ‘You’re right, there is something. But I can’t tell you … not yet.’

‘All I want to do is help,’ Judy told her simply. ‘You know that, don’t you?’

‘Yes, I know, and I’m grateful.’

‘It might be easier than you think, to talk about it,’ Judy suggested. ‘You know what they say: “a trouble shared is a trouble halved”.’

Annie dismissed this. ‘All it means is that you make somebody else worry, as well as yourself,’ she said.

‘Not if that someone else can see a solution.’

‘A solution, eh? It’s that easy, is it? Well, I can tell you now, if there is a solution, it’s me that has to find it,’ Annie asserted. ‘So will you please let that be an end to it.’

‘If that’s what you really want.’ Judy shrugged. She didn’t want Annie getting agitated again. ‘I wish you could find the courage to talk about it though.’

Suddenly, an odd thought crossed the girl’s mind, taking her by surprise. Some instinct made her wonder whether this had anything to do with Lenny. Was he the problem? ‘Will you answer something?’ she enquired.

‘Depends.’ Annie was suspicious.

Judy took that as a yes. ‘Annie …’

‘Go on then, spit it out!’

‘Do you have feelings for Lenny?’