It feels as though life has always come easily to Beth and never to me. I flunked out at school, didn’t make it to uni. When we were kids she was always the A-grade student, the pretty one, the one with the boyfriends. I was left in her shadow. She never flaunts it in my face, but being next to my high-achieving big sister always makes me feel a failure; I hate it. And I hate myself for letting it get to me.
‘Lou, come in.’ Beth gives me a hug, and instantly I feel like a bitch. She is always unfailingly kind; it’s not her fault my life is such a disaster zone.
She’s still in her dressing gown and PJs, her hair done in a messy bun, with curls straggling down her shoulders. She manages to look fabulous though. Beth is one of those annoying people who could look good wearing a paper bag. She seems a bit distracted and has smudges of paint on her hands. My heart sinks. If Beth’s in full creative mode, bang goes my chance of having a sensible chat.
‘Sorry, am I disturbing you?’ I say. ‘Maybe I should call back another time.’
‘No, no, it’s great to see you,’ says Beth. ‘It’s not going well, to be honest. I could do with a break.’
She absentmindedly rubs paint in her face and sighs.
‘What’s the problem?’ I say, following her into the kitchen. I can see the conservatory which leads off from the kitchen is littered with bits of paper, paint and discarded drawings. ‘Aren’t you using your studio?’
Daniel built her a studio in the garden for her work. Of course he did.
‘The cold,’ says Beth. ‘My fingers are going numb in there. Sometimes a change of scenery helps.’
‘But not at the moment?’
‘Nothing helps at the moment.’ Beth looks rueful. ‘To what do I owe the pleasure? Mum and Dad, I assume? Sorry, I should have come before.’
I’ve actually been surprised that Beth hasn’t been over more. She’s often complained to me that Mum expects her to be at her beck and call. Now that there’s a real crisis, and I happen to be around, she seems to have left everything to me.
Beth and I have had endless conversations about the parental situation since Christmas. Daniel’s even taken Dad out for a drink – to no avail. Dad wouldn’t say anything other than that he’s in love. Like some heartsick teenager. I’ve tried to understand Dad’s point of view, even though I’m still angry, but I just don’t get it. I asked him what’s so great about Lilian. He says he met her at the art classes Beth encouraged him to take – I think she might feel a bit guilty about that – and they struck up a friendship.
‘Lilian’s so different from your mum,’ he said, ‘kind of arty, and a free spirit. I didn’t realise how stultified I was till she blew into my life like a breath of fresh air. I know it’s hard for you to accept.’
And I don’t accept it. I won’t accept it. The whole notion of my dad having an affair is preposterous. Honestly, men can be pathetic at times. Which is part of the reason why I prefer women. Although … I haven’t exactly had a great track record there, either.
‘What’s the latest, then?’ asks Beth as we settle down with coffee.
‘Mum’s finally asked Dad to move out,’ I tell her.
‘You’re kidding me?’ says Beth, looking genuinely shocked. ‘I keep thinking they’ll sort it out somehow. They can’t be splitting up at their age. It’s absurd.’
‘I know. But they can’t go on as they are. You’ve seen how vile they can be to one another. It’s horrible living with it.’
‘Is there any way to persuade Dad to change his mind?’ Beth is clutching at straws. I totally understand why, although if she’d been living there these past weeks she would see that Dad needs to move out. It’s not fair on Mum.
‘I honestly don’t think so,’ I say. ‘I think even Ged’s tried.’
Ged has been conspicuous by his absence since all this kicked off. I put the fact that he has actually rung Dad down to a kick in the butt from Rachel. God knows what sort of family she thinks she’s landed up in.
‘How’s Mum?’ Beth looks guilty. ‘I keep meaning to come over and see how she is, but it’s been busy, and you know how it is …’
I do know. I am annoyed with Beth for not seeing more of Mum, but in a way I can’t blame her. I’m stuck with Mum and Dad. If I had the chance I’d probably do what Ged’s done and run a mile. Maybe it’s time I did step up to the plate
So I content myself with, ‘I’m sure Mum would love to see you,’ and tell her that I’ve decided to take Mum away.
‘It will do us both good.’
‘That’s a brilliant idea,’ says Beth, ‘but can you afford it? We can chip in if necessary.’
‘I was going to pay for it, but when I saw the prices I changed my mind and told Dad he has to at least pay Mum’s share. I figure he owes her.’
‘He certainly does,’ says Beth. ‘I’m still in denial about all of this. I can’t believe none of us saw the signs.’
‘Me neither.’
‘I guess you never know what’s happening in other people’s marriages,’ says Beth.
‘I guess not.’
‘Dad and this Lilian woman …’
There’s silence for a minute, and then Beth makes a funny noise. I look at her. She’s starting to laugh, putting a hand to her mouth.
‘I know it’s wrong of me, but really, at his age, what can he be thinking?’
‘I don’t think thought has much to do with it,’ I say, and Beth shrieks with disgust.
‘I don’t even want to go there,’ she says, giggling helplessly now. ‘We shouldn’t laugh, but really, the thought of him and someone who isn’t Mum, it’s crazy.’
It’s enough to tip me over the edge. We both end up laughing till the tears are running down our faces. After all the anger, it feels like a nice kind of release.
‘I genuinely thought this would all blow over,’ says Beth when she’s recovered. ‘I guess I was wrong. Sorry, I’ve been so stressed out over this book, I haven’t given them the time I should.’
‘No worries,’ I say. ‘You’ve got a lot on your plate, and at least I’m not working at the moment.’
‘Thanks, Lou,’ says Beth, ‘I am grateful.’
‘It’s fine,’ I say, plastering a smile on my face. I can feel myself sobering up. Good old Lou, the spinster daughter, with so little in her life she can carry the can. ‘Glad to help.’
Daniel
Daniel emerged from a stressful meeting of the Senior Management team with a horrible headache. They’d been discussing the shortfall in this year’s budget, and there had been several dissenting voices around the table when Daniel and the bursar had spoken about tightening their belts. Jim Ferguson had been particularly vociferous about Daniel’s suggestion to scale back on the introduction of a new computer system, which had been his particular baby. The trouble was there was a lot of wastage, but the bottom line was the school didn’t have enough money to implement some of the programmes Daniel had wanted to put in place to improve things. He was going to have to wait another year. He somehow didn’t think the Ofsted inspectors were going to be impressed by that, whenever they showed up. He hoped he wasn’t heading for trouble.
Daniel headed for his office, made a coffee, and started going over yet more paperwork. There was always so much to do. He rarely left school before six thirty, and was only grateful he had a short journey home now. It was so much easier than when he’d been working in London, when he was rarely home before 8 p.m. At least he got to see his family for some of the evening, though invariably he found himself locked away in his study for a couple of hours each night.
Not that Beth seemed to notice at the moment. She was so caught up with the combination of her new book and worries about her parents, sometimes she barely acknowledged him when he came in. He was used to her vagueness when the muse was upon her, but this was a whole new level. Most days he would find her in her shed staring grumpily at bits of paper, having completely forgotten about cooking tea. She seemed to be fed up with everything she’d produced so far, which was making her snappy. Daniel felt like he was walking on eggshells, and last night they’d had a row and both gone grumpily to bed. It was exhausting.
Daniel still hadn’t got round to mentioning the fact that Reggie had been in touch. Partly because he was tempted to ignore it, and partly because he knew Beth would think Daniel should meet him. It had been the aim of her married life to effect a reunion between her husband and father-in-law, whom she’d only met once, a very long time ago. On that occasion, Reggie had been charm itself, and Beth had been surprised by Daniel’s uncharacteristic rudeness to him. They had rowed about it at the time, because Beth couldn’t understand why Daniel could never allow his dad back into his life.
Perhaps he should have told Beth more about his childhood, but it was all too grim. Over the years Beth had tried to get him to talk about it several times, but Daniel preferred to shut out his past. He had felt so damaged by what had happened to him growing up; it made him feel somehow ashamed. And he hated the bitterness and anger he still felt towards Reggie. Daniel had always been afraid that anger would poison the life he had built for himself, so he had decided early on that he would put those feelings away and never think about it. Most of the time that strategy worked.
Beth was so close to her own family, he couldn’t explain to her what a rotten dad Reggie had been. Although Daniel had a few vague early memories of happy family days out, most of his memories of Reggie were of him being drunk and aggressive. Aged eight, Daniel regularly used to go to bed with a book and stuff a pillow over his ears to drown out the sound of his dad shouting. He had watched his mum being worn down by it, until in the end, she finally threw Reggie out in an argument that Daniel could still remember to this day. After that, although Reggie still saw him occasionally, Daniel had felt his mum was his family. Both his parents were from Jamaica, but neither had stayed in touch with their own families, who hadn’t approved of the match. ‘How right they were,’ Mum had said once, sighing. ‘But at least I have you.’
Daniel adored his mum, but he’d always missed having a wider family. It was one of the reasons he’d thrown himself so whole-heartedly into Beth’s family; they represented everything he didn’t have. Being with Beth had given him a joy that he hadn’t known life could offer. They’d met at teacher training college. After a stint in the city, which he’d hated, Daniel had decided, with his mother’s blessing, to become a teacher. He’d met Beth and fallen head over heels in love. It was a time in his life when everything should have been going right for him. Then out of the blue, his mum had developed an aggressive cancer and died just before their wedding day. To stave off his grief, Daniel had made it a point to keep looking forward, never back. Reggie brought him back to a dark place he never wanted to return to. It was as simple as that. Even if Beth wouldn’t see it like that.