Pastures New

‘I did go and see someone for a while, but, well, I don’t know … It helped to talk about Jamie. And you get to the point when you think you’re boring people, so it was nice to offload on a total stranger. But then it seemed a bit pointless, after a while. No amount of talking will ever bring him back.’

She looked so sad as she said this that Ben had to resist an overwhelming urge to take her in his arms. But he knew that resist he must. It was clear Amy was a long way from getting over Jamie.

‘Sorry,’ Amy said. ‘I shouldn’t go on about it so much. Really, it’s fine. And things are much better since I’ve been here.’

‘I don’t think you should be sorry about anything,’ said Ben. ‘Grieving isn’t a finite process. And however hard you bury it, it has a habit of resurfacing. I should know.’

He paused, as if he were about to say something else, and Amy looked at him expectantly.

‘Oh?’ she said.

‘Oh, I’ve seen it happen to many of my patients,’ said Ben. He had been on the verge of confiding in her about Sarah, but thought better of it. Amy had enough troubles of her own. She didn’t need to be burdened with his problems. ‘All the clichés are true, you know: time is a great healer, things do get better. But any time you want to talk, you know where I am.’

‘That’s really kind of you,’ said Amy. ‘You don’t know how much better that makes me feel.’

‘My pleasure,’ said Ben, smiling. ‘I’d best be off now. I’ve got surgery in a minute.’

‘Go on,’ said Amy. ‘We don’t want to keep the good folk of Nevermorewell waiting.’

Ben laughed and, whistling to Meg, who had wandered off and was rooting about in the bushes, he left Amy sitting there. He cast a look back as he made his way out of the graveyard. She seemed so lonely and fragile. He just wished there was a way of making her happy once and for all.

Saffron was fuming. Sodding Gerry had been supposed to have the kids the previous weekend, and he had let them down again. Something to do with his mum, he said, but Saffron suspected it was more to do with her replacement in Gerry’s bed – the third leggy blonde he had been with since leaving Saffron, who was definitely not the childrearing type. The net result was that Becky had sobbed herself to sleep for the previous two nights and Matt had wet the bed again – something he always did at the slightest introduction of emotional stress.

All of which had put paid to Saffron’s best-laid plans in the bedroom department, which hadn’t been helped by her attempt to introduce Pump Up Your Volume Potion. She had managed to spill it all over a towel, and discovering that it stained everything a rather delicate shade of pink, Saffron had ended up chucking it away. She hadn’t dared try the Licked Up Love Juice. Lord alone knew what that would do.

Gerry really was the limit, and he had just rung up to say airily that he couldn’t have them for the next two weekends either because of work commitments, and did she mind explaining. When she had told him he could tell them himself, he had just got cross and said that as usual she was being unreasonable. Unable to cope with his idiotic intransigence any longer, she had simply put the phone down on him. The guy was a total moron. She couldn’t imagine now what she had ever seen in him.

A ring at the door heralded Amy, swiftly followed by Saffron’s mum, Elizabeth (after whom Ellie was named), who had come to babysit. Elizabeth had high Gerry Alert Antennae, and promptly asked what That Man had done now. When Saffron told them both, trying to make it appear funnier than it was, they spent the next ten minutes devising ways of punishing Gerry, mostly involving his genitalia and lots of boiling oil. As a result, when she and Amy finally left the house, Saffron was feeling much better.

‘Sorry about that,’ she said. ‘Gerry always has that effect on me. Does your ex do the same to you?’

With a shock, Amy realised that she hadn’t got round to telling Saffron the true state of affairs in her home. She had kind of been relying on Josh to do it for her. He had a tendency to announce rather matter-of-factly to perfect strangers that his daddy was in heaven with baby Jesus.

‘Oh, I thought Harry or Ben might have told you,’ she said. ‘I don’t have an ex. Jamie – that’s Josh’s dad – died two years ago.’

‘Oh lord, I am so sorry,’ said Saffron, her hand going to her mouth. ‘And there’s me ranting on about my little worries – I’m always putting my foot in it.’

‘Please don’t worry,’ said Amy. ‘I should have told you sooner. It’s just not a very easy thing to say sometimes.’

‘I’m sure it isn’t,’ said Saffron. ‘Bloody hell, Amy. That’s awful. How on earth do you cope? You always seem so incredibly together.’

‘I’m better since I’ve been here,’ said Amy. ‘But there are times when I think I’ll never get over it. I always felt like Jamie was my soul mate. I was only nineteen when we met. He was older – twenty-four. Neither of us had dads – mine left years ago, and his died when he was young – so it brought us together. And apart from my brother, I have no family here, so we became everything to each other. Jamie and Amy – “the rhyming couple” was what my mother-in-law always called us. I thought we’d be together forever …’

Saffron shivered, thinking of how she would feel if something happened to Pete. She couldn’t imagine life without him. It didn’t bear thinking about.

‘Have you ever thought you might meet someone else?’ she asked gently.

Amy shook her head. ‘I really couldn’t imagine it,’ she said simply. ‘I just can’t see how anyone else would match up. Maybe I’ll feel differently one day, but not now.’

‘Oh Amy, that’s so sad!’ said Saffron. ‘I wish I could do something to make it better.’

‘You already have,’ said Amy, taking her arm. ‘You’ve given me a chance of a new start, and been a good friend to me already. It’s all right really, I am so much better than I was even six months ago. Now come on, we have a job to do.’

‘Are you sure this is a good idea?’

Ben and Harry were outside Amy’s house, carrying plastic bags, flowers (Ben) and a bottle of wine (Harry). Ben felt stupidly nervous about this impromptu visit. Harry, on the other hand, had been very insistent, saying that he felt Amy needed company. Ben again had the sneaking suspicion that Harry was trying to manoeuvre him and Amy together, and he had to admit that the idea pleased him.

Amy had just put Josh to bed, and was sitting down with a glass of wine, when she heard the doorbell go.

‘Hi,’ said Ben as she opened the door.

‘Hi,’ said Amy.

‘Here, have these.’ Ben thrust the flowers into her hand. ‘By way of apology for the other day.’

‘Thanks, but really, you shouldn’t have,’ said Amy, a little overwhelmed.

‘We’ve also got a surplus of stuff from our allotments,’ Ben said, holding up his plastic bags. ‘Would you like some marrows? I’ve got a surfeit, and there’re only so many ways you can cook a marrow.’

‘And I thought you might like to try some of my elderberry wine,’ said Harry, peeking out from behind Ben.

‘Be warned, it’s lethal,’ said Ben, laughing.

‘We thought that as you can’t get out much with young Josh, you might like some company,’ said Harry.

‘But this is too much,’ protested Amy.

‘Of course, if you’d rather be on your own …’ Harry said, but the concern in his eyes spoke for itself. Sensing an ambush, and feeling that neither of them would give in without a fight, Amy let them in. She was touched by their thoughtfulness – she was often lonely in the evenings once Josh was in bed, particularly as the nights were starting to draw in. It would be nice to have some adults around for a change.

‘Have either of you eaten?’ Amy asked. ‘I do a great spag bol.’

‘That sounds delicious,’ said Harry. ‘Here, let me open the wine.’

‘I hope you don’t mind the invasion,’ Ben said, following her into the kitchen, ‘but after we talked the other day, Harry and I, well, we both figured you might be lonely sometimes.’

‘Well, you figured right,’ said Amy. ‘Thanks for your concern.’

There was a warm glowing feeling somewhere in the pit of her stomach. She was being looked after and cosseted by these two unlikely friends. It was a long time since she had felt so cared for.

‘And go easy on Harry’s wine, if you don’t want a sore head,’ added Ben, while Amy carried glasses through to the lounge.

‘Nonsense, old boy,’ said Harry, who already seemed half-cut. ‘Nectar of the gods, even though I say it myself.’

‘There’s nothing wrong with the taste,’ said Ben. ‘It’s just the morning after that isn’t so pleasant. And you know you should be careful with your blood pressure the way it is.’

‘Oh, tosh,’ said Harry, waving Ben away. ‘You worry too much. And after all, I only have myself to please. If I overindulge it serves me right.’

The warm glow crept over the whole of Amy. Looking at the pair of them laughing and joking in her lounge was like having a breath of fresh air blowing into her life. She might never learn to love again, but Harry and Ben were both right: she could learn to live again. And a little chink of light had just wormed its way into her cold and barren heart. It was a start.