Sex & Intimacy 101

1 The sex act

I couldn’t wait to write this book, and I guess you couldn’t wait to get a copy of it, and read it in secrecy. And as I wrote it, I knew a dichotomy of some sort would manifest.The book would become a toast to the death of my good reputation as a preacher, and to the growth of my involvement in candid writing. In case they haven’t told you, this book is about learning how to shag someone until they experience inexplicable bliss. It’s about learning how to give your lover the best sexual experience ever. I think we have books that talk about prevention, safe sex—or sex as a taboo. Books that talk in terms of who we shouldn’t have sex with and what age we shouldn’t have sex and I thus have to excuse myself from speaking of sex from a ‘‘forbidden fruit’’ spectrum. I am a preacher, and a teacher of the word of God, and I have written many books about God and his word. But this time, I present to you a book that is a sexual manual of some sort. This book is what you will need to give your lover the kind of sex she or he has never had. In fact, if you read it well, and practice being a master at sex, your lover will be dying for the next experience. You won’t have to beg for it—no, not anymore. I think it is perplexing to you that a preacher of all the people should take on the work of a sex therapist by writing a ‘‘near porn’’ book. This is why I am going to ask you for one little favor (and that should be done before you delve immensely into this sex manual). I want you to ‘‘wear my shoes’’ and feel what I felt before I sat down convinced that we need a book on sex urgently. For many years, people came to me for advice on issues pertaining to sex.Many of them had endured frustrated sex lives that had grown into full-blown divorces and had ventured into sex with prostitutes. Others were having nightmares over previous molestations while others had learned to survive the agony of boring sex for the good of matrimonial fidelity. We have prayed for some and adviced some, but to my shock, the bulk of people I met with just didn’t know what it is to have sex that is not only pleasant in nature but also ‘‘tantric’’ and adventurous. Because of this, they kept searching for good sex from different people and thus were involved in what I term “serial monogamy”. And they never found it, let alone got satisfied by exploring everybody they met. The root of this people’s problems was not the absence of sex, it was the failure to enjoy it with the first person they fell in love with. What would you have done if you were me? Would you have relentlessly prayed for God to lead them to wondrous sex in some miraculous way? I had people ask me if God can increase their penises, and these very people who were in search of a bigger penis were not aware that they have failed to use the small one that God had given them. These people simply needed to be taught how to have proper sex instead of being given the telephone number of a consultant who can turn that penis into a donkey’s length or an anaconda between one’s legs.

Then we have had cases where a pastor sexed the daylights out of a victim instead of playing his proper role of pastoring. Of recent, radio, television newspapers and social-media have been abuzz with a sexual scandal whereby a pastor is alleged to have sexed someone under the claim that this person would be healed through being sexed. Obviously, the pastor is wrong to claim ‘‘sexual healing’’ is at stake when in fact he is just manipulating the person for his own good. In my own view, the pastor is sexually dissatisfied and preys on his members. Despite the fact that he gets sex in such nefarious ways, he is a hungry man who needs to have fulfilling sex and that might just remove the sex pest syndrome in him.

But that aside, sometimes shy women, who are tired of their sex lives due to the level in which they have become horrific instead of terrific, start wishing they had a sexual relationship with the pastor and can seduce him. We always are perplexed if not horrified when a pastor falls prey to a sex scandal, but hardly for a second wonder if the ‘‘victimized’’ is merely a horny individual who hasn’t had a decent shag for years and has allowed herself to become the pastor’s pancake only to turn around to play victim and say ‘‘pastor, how could you do this to me?’’ Now, let’s not try to find out who is the witch or wizard in any ‘‘pastor’’ and ‘‘victim’’ issues, coz some of the people we call pastors are not even pastors and some of the people we feel sympathetic towards are not even victims. It’s just a complicated sex game. Months ago, a ‘‘pastor’’ asked his congregants to give him a blow-job from the pulpit—and they did! Another ‘‘pastor’’,is alleged to be kissing women’s butts to give them ‘‘good luck.’’ They line up naked by the beach and he kisses their bums! Are those true pastors? That may take some time to answer, but I am sure they are sex hungry individuals wearing church garments. So, those ‘‘pastors’’ are not mad people but sex hungry people gone crazy.

On the flip-side, the so-called victim could also be lonely, unsexed and naive. So, why not write a book on sex, particularly one that promotes sexual enjoyment instead of spending time praying against demons when people are merely experiencing sexual hunger masquerading as spiritual confusion? If our society experiences acute food shortages, there will be thieves raiding shops at gunpoint. There will be tricky people who try to swindle you out of your hard earned money or groceries. The problem will simply emanate from a hunger problem. I believe today, our men and women are hungry for good sex. They don’t know how to enjoy it to their satisfaction. That’s the crisis in today’s world. Despite the hunger, we are secretive. In Africa, sex is a pleasant taboo, such that people secretly enjoy sex or fail at it without ever saying it. Rightly put by me, when it comes to sex, we are all introverts. The most talkative guy cannot look at you bull’s eye and tell you ‘‘Man, I just don’t know how to have sex.’’ Ego, tradition and religion just wouldn’t let ’em. Let me not even talk about women, coz a great deal of them are just sexually shy and secretive to the core? You have to be very close to a woman to hear her most confidential views on sex. Which is why I believe my cousin was close enough to me, to open up on the issue of sex...She told me without mincing words that most men have the tendency of wanting sex on the first day of dating. She accused them of being eyes-red horny on the first date. That’s true, but the problem with a lot of us men is that we just haven’t learned anything about sex enough to know when to ask for it or when the fruit is ripe. What’s worse is that only a countable number of us can have envied sex. We turn to react basing on our erection yet without basic sexual knowledge. We are easily driven by the inclination to have sex without the intellectual comprehension of what it truly is.

Then there’s the child in every homestead who has to learn sex all by himself/herself and develops into a sexually naïve young man or woman simply because our communities are more secretive about sex than they are about a computer password. Every year, we turn young people who know nothing about passionate and skillful sex into husbands and wives. The result is that they will experiment and if luck is luck they might do what is expected by nature. Can you imagine anything more horrible than people who reach sexual climax on coincidence? We don’t expect our kids to excel at school by coincidence but we expect them to know how to have sex when they have grown up without having learned anything about it...We teach our kids how to eat, defecate and even how to walk, but where do they learn issues of sexual intimacy? I have met men who lament about how their wives are not sexual. Some currently have secret sex partners on the side, they are secretly going to notorious G-west, Middle-star, Hilbrow and brothels to buy prostitutes, simply because their wives are no longer sexual enough to satisfy them. They complain that their wives have grown fat, unsexy and have become more of mothers instead of the sexy Sharon Stone who used to put up a hot act in their bedrooms. Different people from all walks of life are sexually frustrated and end up having to resort to porn for sexual lessons and consolation. Women haven’t escaped this frustration, that’s why we hear time and again of an extremely rich woman ‘‘happily’’ married who dates a taxi driver on the side, books a room and has sex with him. That should tell you a lot about this woman’s rich husband. Your first guess should be that his sex therapy is in short supply. A lot of people, Christians included, watch porn behind closed doors, but porn itself at times is no more than a bedroom movie made out of fantasy to make money because it just might not teach one the craft of sex like this book you are reading. Porn directors hire models to scream and pretend they are enjoying sex when the whole thing is just pseudo sex and some of the positions are according to one sex therapist and movie director ‘‘ made to suit the videographer’s camera.’’ In other words, porn is designed to make money out of selling naked fantasies and not necessarily to teach us how to have exhilarating sex.

Then there is the issue of sex decline in females around the age of meno-pause. There are faithful men whose lives have almost broken down because their wives are no longer sexually active. And these wives are giving a dozen of excuses for not blasting their men’s libido driven hunger. So these men don’t know what to do, they have tried everything but their wives have just locked their thighs. Menopause does have situations where a woman loses interest in sex. If the duo don’t know what is happening, their lives can be a sexual nightmare. Talk about men whose erection is swallowed by sugar diabetes. What do we do? Do we pray for them? So my friend, what would you have done if you were me? Would you not have written a book that alleviates the problems that originate from poor sex lives? I have paid a big price to write this book. Family members were not excited about it. Fellow pastors criticized me for it. I believe Journalists are going to nail my reputation to make a quick buck out of my boldness. Christians who have been calling me a pagan will upon the release of this book be celebrating my fate. They will say how much of a devil’s child I am. But if you were me, what would you have done? I can no longer afford to be a prisoner of conscience. I would rather die like Oliver Tambo than live as long as Ayatollah Khomeini when the truth lies hidden from many. I guess now you get the reason why I had to write this book despite my ‘‘sanctified’’ calling. Just because I am a preacher, doesn’t mean I should be a ‘‘sanctimonious hypocrite.’’ The world today is looking for people who will face challenges of the day without shame. People who will correct issues and not apologize for that. So, let’s begin the sex lesson that will soon cost me my reputation, but you have to remember that I did this for you. I was just trying to help you to learn how to have the kind of sex that your lover will order from you again and again, the same way you have always preferred the same pizza company. I am just trying to teach you something that no man or woman has ever dreamt you would one day know so explicitly. In fact, your lover is not expecting it from you. But what’s in the offing? I am giving you a chapter on the sex act, sex quadrant, foreplay lessons, sex positions—at least 101 of them (illustrated) plus more...

So, you should be expecting to learn about having good sex, and like I said, I am going to teach you just that. This is a sex manual. It’s just like a car manual. Before you start learning how to drive you have to learn how the car generally behaves. So, before I teach you how to sex a woman or a man excellently and passionately. I am going to show you how both genders are designed sexually. Okay, who is first? Ladies first? Ok lets do men first. Hey, here is a favorable deal: Well, mmm, look, lets do both of them at the same time. Before you deliver ‘‘fat-cake hot’’ sex, you need to know how a man and a woman are structured from a mental and physical point of view. We have to look at the nature of both sexes (psychologically, sexually and physically). So, don’t skip this because it’s part of learning how to have epic performance in the bedroom. It’s high-time you had good sex ,don’t you think? It’s high time we stopped having many kids that need school fees, get low grades and are generally naughty and yet came through a short one night stand. We need to be sexually astute and satisfied. We need to alleviate problems caused by failing to have a good ‘‘shag’’ from society. But let’s start the bonking lesson here...and even if your Christian conscience tells you that you will learn this when you’re married, go on reading. You are not going to know how to have proper sex a few hours into marriage during your honeymoon or instantly after reading this book. You will need to keep on thinking about what I taught you in order to be good at it.

(1) Gender differences

We have often heard people, particularly men say, ‘‘women; you can’t live with them and you can’t live without them.’’ One woman used to say, ‘‘men are dogs and women are snakes.’’ Word has it that men are dogs because no matter what you give your dog, it will still harass the neighbor’s dustbin or trip over its clean plate only to eat the food you so intently dished for it from the ground. This saying means that men are seen as greedy devils whom despite being given ‘‘good sex and love’’ by a faithful wife, will afterwards help himself to a prostitute. Women on the other hand are according to that statement known for seducing men to love them and help them, thereafter attacking their helper, mercilessly dumping men after exploiting them hereafter pouncing on the next victim. They say a snake if you should find it in the cold, unable to move, and then take it to the fireplace to warm its cold-blooded being, it’s going to bite you after it has warmed up. The snake is thus compared to women. While it is clear that these statements come from people who have grown tired and frustrated with gender differences and relationship nightmares, I wish all people could understand each other instead of resorting to hopeless conclusions that do not have an atom of truth.

While writing this book, I went to ask my neighbor what she thinks of men and sex. I normally don’t confine my research to church, especially when I am dealing with a problem that affects everyone. So I went to my neighbor, a socialite and occasional drinker. She was painfully honest as she sat there gazing at me with that shroud look on her face that says ‘‘I am not going to give you an answer that soothes your churchy background .’’ Then her face expressed her absence as she thought deeply in protracted silence about men and the question asked. She lit her cigarette, took one long puff and said to me (as smoke gushed out of her mouth and nostrils) that ‘‘men are people who don’t attach much to sex, they can just fuck for the sake of fucking.’’ Whewww! Now, I didn’t say that, she did, so don’t throw this book away yet. Don’t even accuse me of profanity... She went on to say ‘‘men are simple creatures, its easy to read them as a woman, they are not into details, but they are very decisive and love to hide their feelings.’’ Then she said something I have heard many women say, which is that ‘‘men are like babies.’’ Now, I have also heard men, and many of them for that matter, saying that ‘‘women are like babies’’. This shouldn’t shock you because lovers often call each other ‘‘babe.’’ Nowadays its “bae”.

I heard that a lady was breast-feeding her child in a taxi. She kept threatening the child by saying that if she continued playing and not sucking her breasts for milk, she will give them to the man next to her. As she kept holding her ballooned breasts filled with milky delight for the child, the man next to her (a typical stranger) kept looking lustfully at the juicy breasts.The baby wasn’t sucking them breasts. So, mother threatened the baby. “If you don’t suck them,am giving them to uncle”.After the woman gave the fifth threat, this man, asked how many times the woman was going to threaten the child and not execute the threat. I laughed, and wondered whether that’s what we mean when we say men are like babies. Do they need the very things that the baby needs?Yes! Grown up men, suck breasts. Indeed men are like babies, and in a very literal way for that matter. But according to men, it’s the other way round:Women are babies. They are ‘‘unpredictable’’ and ‘‘stressful.’’ and so confusing that even God doesn’t understand them. That’s what they say...

The other day I was traveling with this old pal—a taxi driver who normally takes me around Gabz. Then he saw a ring on my finger and asked me, ‘‘so how is your wife?’’ I saw the look on his face, and that he wanted to share some ‘‘old man secrets’’ with me. So, I just rhetorically responded, ‘‘eeer..she is so so, eish mdala, you know our women...’’ what followed was chuckles as if to say ‘‘I knew it young-man,there are always issues.’’ Then he says to me, ‘‘I have my old woman too, and I have given her everything a woman could want , now she wants to have the little money I make out of this taxi.’’ ‘‘Why would she do that?’’ I asked with that puzzled face and African wonder posture, holding my chin while concurrently folding my arms. But the old man was not at all looking my direction. He was looking at the road like a devoted driver and probably listening attentively to the pain his old wife causes him. He seemed to be comforting his hurt self with a church hymn sang almost in silence. Then he says to me ‘‘eish, my wife ‘ke mathata’, she troubles me, and won’t give me sex. She thinks I am a fool, but I have found a new sex mate, and I won’t tell her that as much as she has stopped being intimate with me and won’t say a word...’’At that moment, his statement deeply hit me, especially because I am a preacher and he doesn’t know it. To hear somebody confessing deliberate adultery like that haunts me the way a zebra is troubled by seeing a ferocious lion. We took a few turns into simple but complicated Gaborone streets, then he dropped me by the anticipated destination. ‘‘ sharp Mdala...’’ I said, and he waved driving away and disappearing into the dust which his Japanese import motor car had created. I could not concentrate on his heart-felt wave. Instead as he drove away, my heart was reeling in shock at a statement so astonishing yet said casually. It dawned on me again that the world is sick and I need to write a book that can heal it. Just the week prior, I was talking to a very close friend of mine. Then he told me about his sex life. He told me candidly—and I think is because we are close, he said ‘‘women in your country seem not to know a thing about sex. They prefer switching off the lights until it’s too dark for us to even look into each other’s eyeballs. Then ignorant bonking takes place. After that dark encounter, there’s no feedback. They just won’t tell you whether the sex was good or bad. Commenting about sex to them is a no-go area’’ This man defends his opinion by suggesting that the idea of switching off lights is so common that Juju boy, a local artist in Botswana, has written the song, hurt me,with the mention of ‘‘ lebone’’ which means ‘‘light or lamp,’’ and the artist hinting that he wants to see his lover. He thinks the musician is complaining against the local mentality of switching off lights before sex. Is he?

I thought it’s only men who often feel that their sex lives are as bitter as an aspirin until I spoke to one lady who used to be my classmate in those far gone years when we were kids ‘‘doing’’ elementary schooling. We did talk typical ex-classmate talk which revolves around history. Then she talked about her kids and her man. Afterwards, I asked her the shocker question...‘‘so, how is the sex?’’ She was immediately in stress-land and releasing the cortisol hormone, yet she blatantly said ‘‘Heish, not good at all, but what can I do? I am a woman, if I tell him about how the sex sucks and how we can improve it, he will say I am a bitch.’’ I was reminded of how in one of our talk shows, a woman said without mincing words that a great deal of men are reputable for pouncing on women without foreplay. Just after brief kissing which cannot even compete with your puppy’s passionate lick of its food bowl, they already think the snake must go out to play. They say in just a minute, the pants are down, and they want the vaginal sliding door to lead them to gloryland. These short tempered brothers who have no idea what it is to romance a woman and bring her to a turn-on level, have ruined the bedroom and the reputation of men. Men, especially here in Africa (though not all of them) are domineering, traditional, naive and yet sexually insane. They love it but they have no idea what a woman thinks and how she feels. And our women, who have grown tired of boring sex are faking climax. They are screaming like a person encapsulated by pleasure when in fact they just want the man to be done—or to come, if that’s the ‘‘big Idea.’’ I hope this day as you read this book, your curiosity has been aroused. If you are a man, I hope you now want to learn how to sex the right way. If you are a woman by now, the damage caused by sexless homes has caused you to want your man to have the kind of sex that will make him think of only you when it comes to sex. It’s time you became jealous enough to think of everything to do for your man to be satisfied enough to not want to know what lies between another woman’s thighs. I believe Mr man, that you should be competent enough to avoid making your lady live with you out of tolerance and loyalty. Yes, women love hot sex, but not more than affection. Sex without romance to them is no better than a vegetarian meal without vegetables. It’s crazy. Its not even bad sex, its no sex at all.... It’s just the rubbing of genitalia.

Now to help you out on this issue, I am not going to go straight into teaching you how to have sex. There are some vital things I am going to teach you that are fundamental. A great deal of books teach about bonking,show sex positions and leave you to them. But sex positions mean nothing if you don’t know sex basics. Learning sex positions before getting the basics is like learning punches and kicks before you learn fighting stances and conditioning your body. It’s like learning how to pray before you learn how to be a Christian. And this is why we are often taught, ‘‘seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all this things will be added unto you.’’(Matthew 6:33). Kunfu masters often provoke their students to anger because a student wants to spend all the zeal in learning how to fight. The master wants to teach his student the principles, but the student insists on fighting methods. I was often impatient when my guitar instructor wanted me to learn chords while I wanted to learn songs. He had tried to explain this to me in many words that chords come before songs, however, he was overcome by weak speech. He could have just said to me in King James rendition that ‘‘seek ye first the Chords and all these songs shall be added unto you.’’ And with sex is the same thing, we have to seek first the basics and all these things shall be added to us. To have good sex you have to know things, which are not essentially sexual but part of sex, so that you can build on that to produce exhilarating orgasmic experience. For those of you who think that sexual pleasure is sin...why do you think God made the body and made it sexual? Why did he make nerves and parts of the body that are pleasurable to touch if he didn’t want us to enjoy sexual pleasure? God deliberately made Eve sexually attractive and he deliberately made Adam horny and eager to have her. There is no evil in wanting your man and wanting him so badly. There is no wrong in a man wanting to squeeze his lover and sex her till the cops come knocking. This desire is natural and God designed. Mr, you will find the breast of your woman attractive and that’s a natural thing. If there is nothing wrong with eating food, then there is nothing wrong with having legitimate and pleasurable sex. In the very bible, that we love to make too righteous for sex teaching, the woman in Song of Songs says to her man that ‘‘ may my beloved come into his garden and eat of its choice fruits!’’ (Songs of songs 4:16). She is talking about sex and there is no need to hide it .The garden mentioned herein is probably the one down there (that amazon forest).The other verse says to you, and that is if you are a man who likes to have good sex, that ‘‘As a loving deer and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And always be enraptured with her love’’,(Proverbs 5:19). So these breasts must satisfy you. I don’t care if you lick them or just put your face on them and enjoy the 37 ° (degrees celsius) body temperature.

Sex is gooooood. That is why Paul encouraged lovers to not sexually abscond from each other (1 Corinthians 7:5), and the same Paul discouraged following the desires of the flesh. The desire of the body is having sex with your husband but the desire of the flesh is adultery. Many of us Pastors think that sex with our wives is sinful. We may not say so in words, but our actions speak volumes. We devote more time to prayer than sex, refuse to have good sex before preaching only to pounce on young girls at church. We end up dissatisfied and the result is we are seduced by women who think they know how to give a man the kind of sex he has always dreamt of. But wait till you marry her, and you will wish you stuck to your wife. God gave you a wife and you wasted her,‘‘For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, And be embraced in the arms of a seductress?’’ (Proverbs 5:20). The woman of your matrimonial dreams is a beautiful person. You should be able to say to her, ‘‘the curves of your thighs are like jewels, The work of the hands of a skillful workman’’,(Songs of Songs 7:1).I am quoting from the bible dear...Admire her and stop that ‘‘pastor is righteous’’ nonsense that makes you quiet when you should admire her. Ladies, you must know the feeling by now of being kissed by someone you love. You should remember that it feels sweet and compels one to say ‘‘His mouth is most sweet, Yes, he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, And this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem!’’ (Songs of songs 5:16).Solomon was talking straight sexual attraction when he says ‘‘Your navel is a rounded goblet; It lacks no blended beverage. Your waist is a heap of wheat Set about with lilies’’,(Songs of Songs 7:2). Sex is great and never be too Christian to admit it. The guy in prison, who hasn’t seen his wife or girlfriend in years, gets my point. You who is outside the prison doors should stop playing church and give your lover something good and right for bodily edification. God made us male and Female with such distinction that men are not the same as women. But unlike poles attract...

(a) Psychological differences

The key to understanding men and women in terms of their sexuality warrants that one should know the psychological nature of each. Men and women differ so much that they are not the same in their comprehension of detail, tasking, decision, emotion, fashion, and general orientation. Until you know these things about the two genders, it will be hard to know a thing about relationship, let alone having intimate and crazy sex.

(1) Detail and memory

In the first 8 weeks, every fetal brain is intrinsically female. But there is that chemical reaction in the brain that eventually erodes the boy’s ability to have a brain like girl’s. Scientifically speaking, women’s brains are different from those of their male counterparts. It’s simply natural that women’s brains have a bigger memory than that of males. Women are search engines filled with information available upon request in their brains. My own mother often calls me from the United Kingdom where she works and she talks and talks relating every little bit of detail of things that occurred to her.My wife has a very similar nature. When I ask her how was the movie she watched by Taylor Perry, she starts going into details and already I would have to interject and say ‘‘baby, just give me the story in brief.’’ My aunt, grandmother and all the women I have known go into detail about any story they relate. As a preacher, I help women solve a lot of issues just as I help men. But women always need more time to tell me their problems because they are people of detail. And this comes naturally to women because they have 11% more neurons than men. Their memory hub in the brain is larger than that of men. Women are better at expressing emotion than men. That’s why I believe Sidney Sheldon writes beautiful novels rich in descriptive detail. Again I suspect more women read novels compared to men because novels are mostly about relationships, like the recent fifty shades of grey.

My daughter is as I write this book, only three years old. Her brother is already 6 and ‘‘threatening’’ to be 7 years. One time I thought of speaking to my son but he was busy concentrating on his play. She perceived that I was about to say something, and she did alarm her brother that ‘‘daddy wants to talk to you. ’’ But I had not even said a word. How did she know that I was about to say something to her brother? Females are much more able to recognize expressions and to express themselves more than males. This ability to decode facial expressions and to interpret feelings makes them natural psychologists and I respect them for that.

Women, unlike men, care about whether the cost of a fabric softener is $9.85 or $9.95. But to men, those prices are nothing but the same thing as long as there is $9 in the price-tag. Ask me about it—I am a man and I have struggled to understand why my wife is often caught up in moving from shop to shop looking for slightly cheaper tomatoes. That thing just pisses me off. There is no anointing in men that helps them compete with women when it comes to obsession with detail. Thanks to women coz their obsession with detail is causing manufacturers to be a bit more careful with how they make their products. A woman will return a yoghurt back to the shop without shame if she finds something ‘‘small’’ that she doesn’t like about it as long as she believes the retailer is liable for that dislike. My wife and other women I know can do this and I think it’s a female talent!

You don’t know how limited men are until you start studying women. You won’t know how incapable women are until you look into the lives of men with utter curiosity. Women are people of detail, in friendships, prices, clothes and speech. But men don’t give a hoot whether something is slightly cheaper or expensive, what matters to them is convenience. The convenient store is loaded with men who want to buy cooked sausage, grilled chicken and fries or burgers but that to women is a deliberate waste of money. Thanks to men because without them, restaurants would close down.

What does a woman’s natural inclination to detail mean? It means she will listen closely to your words as a man and will hold you accountable for every last bit of word you say. Not because she is strict but because she simply has a good memory. That’s why some men lament and feel that ladies are unforgiving. She is not unforgiving but simply has a bigger memory. So, sex will be sex but to her how you go about the whole thing will matter. It will matter as to whether your armpits smell or you got cologne on. It will also matter as to whether you kiss passionately or just to get it over with. She will be watching, feeling and sensing every detail of your actions. You are under very immense scrutiny. As you pull your trouser down, don’t think her sleepy eyes are not seeing you. Women’s love for detail simply implies that sexing one must be a careful well-anticipated move, romantic, flooded with a detailed display of affection and passion. Every part of the process must be observed. No short cuts and rushing to do ‘‘jiggy jiggy.’’ God made women the way they are deliberately. It’s high time you made love to your spouse, consciously planning every last bit of your action, being natural yet romantic. Remember she has a bigger memory than you, and if you are boring, she will remember it long enough after you have forgotten.

Do you know how your woman will know when you are cheating?: —Detail. Men overlook details but the devil is in the details. Your lady will know through the very small things you overlook that you have been cheating. The smile, attention, fragrance, receipts,screaming a girl’s name in dream, call habits and small comments and likes on social media. That’s why it’s better not to cheat and think you will get away with it. How does a woman still remember that you promised to take her out to that burger and chicken restaurant when you have long forgotten?:—memory. Women are power tanks coz they have 11% more neurons than men. ‘‘Ladies, science has proven what you’ve been saying all along: your man’s memory is worse than yours. Not only that, but their brains are smaller, at least the part that controls memories. “That’s right, that’s what the data says,” said Dr. Clifford Jack of the Mayo Clinic. “We see worse memory and worse brain volumes in men than women from [age] 40s onward.” (CNN). Over the weekend as I thought about this, I felt inferior because according to the mirror, ‘‘In a report for a psychology journal, Glasgow University researchers found that although both sexes struggled to juggle priorities, men suffered more on average and were slower than women.’’

(2) Task

Women can iron, cook and baby-sit at the same time. It’s called ‘‘multi- tasking.’’ Women’s brains afford them the ability to execute tasks that need to be repeated over and over and to also do tasks that are different in nature at the same time. You should by now be able to remember how female bank tellers have been good at helping you the last time you went to the bank.

So if you are a guy, don’t be shocked to think that while you stop at everything to talk to your lady, she might be on the phone emotionally communicating with you while at the same time doing everything else. Multitasking is powerful right? But not when it comes to sex. According Petra Zebroff, Ph.D, ‘‘Sex pleasure requires undivided attention to work properly. When attention moves off the erotic, sexual problems can arise’’ the sage doctor goes on to explain that ‘‘women, with their multi-tasking brains, are the most guilty of not giving sexual pleasure the undivided attention it needs. But it affects women differently. Women are twice more likely to encounter slow arousal and delayed or absent orgasm than men are.’’

The homework for women, whose multitasking brilliance has become a curse, is to focus more on sexual pleasure by guiding their wild minds into the activity at stake. Men have to worry less about a multitasking brain because that’s not their nature. But financial stress, loss or grief of any sort has the propensity to make men unable to concentrate during sex. Lack of control over one’s mind can result in delayed or premature orgasm.

Sex researcher, Dekker, is said by Petra to have ‘‘found when a woman turns her attention to how she feels during a sexual act — including lubrication or increased blood flow (feeling of fullness in the genitals) — she will feel more turned on’’. I think a man who is good at his game has to assume the duty of stimulating concentration in his lady and that will even take touching and speaking his erotic language to her, to take her mind out of her chores and the things that constantly disturb her. For the first time in her multi-tasking brain’s life, she will not be thinking about the fact that she forgot baby bob’s clothes on the washing line.

Men are great at manipulating objects to achieve certain movements, the same way Michael Schumacher was good at being the speed ‘‘demon’’ in his racing car, while David Bekham is known for his brilliant way of scoring balls that have a stunning curve movement. So the reason women’s football matches are not preferable to men’s famous world cup matches lies a whole lot more on natural brilliance. Men are generally better at technical things like mechanics, engineering and stuff. And I am not saying women can’t do any of those things, most of the time, men are better... Women on the other hand are better at noticing if anything is misplaced. Candy is well able to notice that a plate is missing in the kitchen compared to her husband. Women demonstrate a better recall of details than men. A study has observed that women do better at manual tasks that require precision like cooking, plaiting and putting pegs on the washing line. Women, it is observed, do better than men in mathematical calculations. Men on the other hand, do better than women on tests that require mathematical reasoning. According to sex differences in the Brain, by Doreen Kimura ‘‘ women perform better than men in both verbal memory (recalling words from lists or paragraphs) and verbal fluency (finding words that begin with a specific letter), there was a large difference in memory ability but men tend to perform better than women on certain spatial tasks. They do well on tests that involve mentally rotating an object or manipulating it in some fashion, such as imagining turning this three-dimensional object. Women tend to perform better than men on tests of perceptual speed in which subjects must rapidly identify matching items for example, pairing the house on the far left with its twin’’

Why am I telling you this?:— Because you need to know your man or woman well to give them a good screw. You need to know the person’s natural ability and their shortcomings. Apart from that, you cannot have great sex any longer that you can drive a merc without knowing its technical specifications and operations. Male brains have 8% more grey matter, while women’s brains have 12% more white matter. This means that men are (generally) better at linear progression of thoughts while women are better at gathering disparate areas of information to make decisions, a non-linear function (Paraphrase). I think God deliberately made men and women the way they are not to compete but to complement each other. Whenever we complain about the way women or men are, we are simply suggesting that we could have done a greater job at creating humans. Women are into details but men look at the bigger picture. We need both detail and the bigger picture. Women are relaters and men are visionaries, goal and achievement driven. Relationship and vision are important. Look at any woman, observe her keenly and you will realize that her weaknesses are man’s strength and her strengths are man’s weaknesses. That’s why evolution doesn’t make sense to me. If you are to look at a penis or vagina, can you honestly tell me that you would still be confident enough to believe in evolution? Charles Darwin must have been crazy...The vagina and the penis don’t seem to represent any coincidence. It looks to me like a maker deliberately designed these things. It’s a perfect fit, if not a perfect match!

(3)decision

Do I need to tell an observant man that women tend to be spontaneous decision makers who are not stable? Even if a woman is fast at deciding, she can soon change her decision—just after making it. Women are gifted in exhausting the patience of men especially when shopping. Women can tryout 10 jeans, only to buy one. A man almost instantly decides to buy a pair of shoes, hardly 3 minutes later, he is at the counter. If you want to see the real difference between a man and a woman just take them to Wal-Mart and see how each behave. My wife used to annoy the hell out of me until I realized she is like that by design.‘‘He created them male and female, and blessed them and called them Mankind’’,(Genesis 5:2). Is your lady supposing that it is reasonable to go around the shops comparing lettuce prices? Yes, its good to buy observing prices and making good decisions inspired by trivial differences but in addition to that, we have to understand that Eve is wired to function like that. The male and female thing is a God design. Even gays can’t help but have male and female. If they are both male, one will play female. Males make bold spontaneous decisions and sometimes take precious time to make decisions due to thinking. We think things through. Women think we are slow, no we are not. We are thoughtful. Ladies enjoy men’s decisive power a lot except when it’s time to buy shoes! While writing this book I thought it wise to ask my wife what she thinks of men compared to women when it comes to making a decision. ‘‘Women make decisions that are linked to a whole lot of things’’, she says ‘‘they will buy a pair of shoes, comparing it to other shoes, looking at color, style, and many other options, but men make decisions that are hardly linked to many factors. They simply get into a shop, make a minute’s worth of comparison and already they are paying for their choice’’, she concludes, adamantly viewing that as eccentric.

Though some of the men want to appear very spiritual about the kind of woman they chose. A man’s choice borders on sexual appeal. It’s not lust to be attracted as a man to your woman and fantasize about having sex with her. It’s perfectly normal. Remember, men are generally weak at recognizing and recalling details. But a woman will link her choosing a man to a whole lot of things. His cologne, appearance, voice, eye contact shape, height, lips, the way he touches things, his car and achievements. You can tell from the list of things that the decision to marry him did not come over-night. Women thus make somewhat quick yet very calculated decisions attached to a lot of things and men make slow often-risky decisions hinged on one or two solid facts after critical thinking. I am a man, and I love the way men make decisions and don’t like taking a lifetime to make small decisions due to focusing on petty things, but I also love the way my wife thinks—Although it’s petty, it has saved us from a lot of problems that my eyes were too impatient to notice. But still, I prefer my way. I am naturally wired to draw spontaneous conclusions after thinking, like turning a motorcycle in speed. Men are brilliant in making ‘‘quick’’ smart decisions in war, racing, courtroom and wherever there is rivalry.

Had it not been for women’s ‘pettiness’, most products would have been worse than they look today. Mary Marther, A renowned cognitive neurologist at Southern California university together with Nichole R. Lighthall, a neurological scientist from Duke University did some experiments that proved that women and men were fairly equal at decision making but when both genders are under stress, the study observed that men’s decisive excellence declined while women continued to make better decisions under stress and duress. A woman can decide on which diapers are better for her baby when her boyfriend has left her.

Enter K.A Bareki, when I am stressed, I simply take a break and go into a cave of silence, I will return with the solution coz in the meantime I know my brain needs space. Do you have a problem with that? Well then you have a problem with God, coz he made me that way. But we make good decisions believe me, sister. One time I was going somewhere. Then I thought it better to wear my boots with a jean and a formal shirt. I just wanted to look like a young vibrant preacher who still has his looks together. So I took them boots. But my wife thought I had concluded on the boots too soon. ‘‘Are you wearing those?’’, she asked. I gave her the look that says ‘‘why waste time?’’, to which she verbally responded ‘‘but why don’t you compare them with other pairs and see which one would be great?’’ Immediately I thought, ‘‘now that’s typical of Eve. Why the heck should I compare my boot with other shoes? I want to wear boots and that’s it.’’ My wife obviously compared me to other guys before she chose me. I was just looking at her. I had no girl catalogue. So we are really different and that sparks war all the time for immature couples. I hardly prefer to think the way my wife thinks. But behind the corner, and in secrecy, I know she is smart and often makes better choices .She is a good chooser.Yeah, she chose me. Talk about ego. I am not going to let myself down in a book by telling you that I am less smart. No way. Maybe I am even better. Yeah, whatever..

The other day, my wife and I had accompanied an ill woman to her doctor. Along the way, my wife and this lady were trying to decide on what to do since they had enquired and were informed that the said doctor is not in. They were just thinking about other options and other doctors. They were deciding like typical women. Heish! You have no idea how I was feeling when two women were acting like Eve in a shoe shop. I was wondering why they don’t decide for us to go to flipping doctor B since doctor A is not in, and stand by that decision. After 10 years of marriage, I am still not used to this decision conundrum. Eish! Is there a man somewhere who understands my point? Is any woman reading sex and intimacy 101? Can I get an amen? Haaahaaaahh khi khi khi...Get this one thing straight: men and women are different in making decisions—Period! That makes them different in having sex.

(4) Emotion

Emotion is the part we all probably know about men and women. Men tend to be reserved and will deal with emotions privately while women burst out and reveal their emotional issues to those closer to them. But men view bursting out emotionally as a sign of weakness, and will generally go into a time of lone ranging in their cave until they are clear about the problem and how to solve it.

The crisis in relationships is that women tend to want to treat men like other women and want them to open up, and this for what I know, is as irritating as having a fly trapped in your underwear . Women a great deal of times want men to share their problems with them and open up. But men, don’t quiet appreciate that any more than they recognize that as being bothered. Imagine me for example. I am a man. Not only a man but one who has written profound books that affect thousands and thousands of people. But even after all such achievements I am no superman. I still go into my cave when I am depressed. I don’t agree with those who think society has taught men not to cry out loud about their problems. The way men approach problems is not driven by socialization more than it is driven by nature. Men are naturally not women and we don’t have to blame their society for not teaching them to expresses their grievances instead of caving in. Men are men and it matters less as to whether they are from France,Vietnam or Monterey Peninsula.

Men love to be appreciated for mowing the lawn, providing for the family, driving to Capetown safely and sexing the hell out of their wives. But women seldom do realize that men appreciate and need such praise. And it feels childish (I suppose) for a man to ask his woman to praise him. So, he will never directly ask for it. And even if he is praised sometimes he might find it childish to show that he is happy about it. As much as a woman loves to be admired for looking beautiful, men equally love to be admired for having great sex. He loves the prostitute for making him feel like a real man and engaging him sexually. His wife on the contrary just lies there like the log of a dead oak tree. You just try admiring your guy for giving it to you the way he should and he will love you for that. Men generally view respect and praise as love. And I think Paul must be appreciated for noting that ‘‘ husbands ought to love their own wives ...’’,(Ephesians 5:28). I have sat with many couples who were going through emotional unrest and the problem was in most cases that the man no longer showed love to his lady. Women a great deal of the time demand to be loved and men demand to be revered and respected. Paul suggested, ‘‘So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself ’’,(Ephesians 5:28). To cheat your wife is to her a lack of love for her. But men say that a woman who cheats on them not only lacks love but lacks respect. A woman will get hurt by a man who criticizes the way she looks, but a man gets hurt when you tell him that his penis is smaller hence not pleasant enough or that he drives worse than his son drives his toys. That just wrecks a man’s life if not his entire self-esteem, which seems to be rooted in his penis. Men fantasize about sex more than the average woman thinks. It is almost obvious that this book will end in the hands of more men than women. Why?:—Because men love sex and sexing, and not even Christianity is going to alter that. Women no doubt want love from men but men want respect or submission and most of all sex. Paul says ‘‘ the wife see that she respects her husband’’,(Ephesians 5:33). But this respect lesson for women is not as new as Paul the apostle. It is as old as Sarah because she often called her husband Abraham my ‘‘lord’’ (1 Peter 3:6).Why aren’t women of today wise enough to ‘‘fool’’ their men by lavishing them with respect and sex?

Now, women heal their hurts by talking (so-called venting out), by crying and doing all sorts of emotional things. While writing this book, I was called by a couple in conflict. They wanted advice on what to do about their unending brawls. The woman felt that the man’s love for her fell short and she cried:—How typical of women... The man sat there, looking distant, unfazed and wore the serious look of a bulldog while he expressed how this woman would not respect him and sometimes returned to her ex-lover despite their relationship’s existence. The woman cried, the man was just angry ( Perhaps too angry to cry). Men become angry and know very little about grieving, shedding tears and being sad the feminine way. That’s why men easily commit suicide compared to women. There is that aggression in men which if not guided is catastrophic. It has nothing to do with abuse but with nature. Concerning health issues, a doctor was addressing a certain men’s sector meeting in which I was present and did enquire as to why men do not seem to take medical issues seriously to the point of neglecting health checks. He pointed out how shocking it is to consider that women can hardly see their private parts well since the vagina is exactly down there (underneath, so to speak). But compared to men, women take care of their private parts well. Men on the other hand are fortunate to have private organs that protrude and can be well seen and inspected, yet men easily die of prostate cancer when they can so easily inspect their sexual organs and report to the hospital in due season. Instead of going to the clinic for medical attention, a typical man would rather ask his friend at the bar what to do with his itchy penis. To which his drunken friend might prescribe an ointment. But how do you get prescription from a drunk man?

When a man goes to clinic to see a doctor, he has probably received prescriptions from the bar, football pitch,golf course and all kinds of male hangouts. The fact that he is in a queue at the hospital probably means that if his penis was itchy, this time it is ‘‘rotten ’’, extremely painful or so loose that its about to fall off. When a man gets to clinic, he refuses to say the problem to a male doctor who by the way should be well able to understand him. If you are doctor, you probably can relate to this. A guy walks into to the consultancy room. He claims he doesn’t know the problem but claims there is a problem. You start doing vital signs and expect to find the problem yourself coz he won’t open up to a man like him. To your shock, his ass is wounded. He has probably had gay sex, is bleeding and torn. You ask him how his ass ended up like that and he says he doesn’t know and just ‘‘found’’ it like that. Probably there is never a time you feel annoyed about a patient’s denial like this moment. Men are not just shy about such matters but even being sick of anything ranging from such innocent issues as flu to issues as bad as defaulting on STI treatment. A woman when she is afraid can dare walk in to a pharmacy crying and says ‘‘yesterday I had unprotected sex with a stranger, do you guys have any pills to help me block the virus, I am scared’’. That ability to open up has saved a lot of women.

So this doctor friend I mentioned earlier on was wondering why men would rather die than act promptly about sickness. Why won’t they be open to someone with a penis like them? I must admit that as he asked, I felt that men were just being silly; to me there was simply no excuse for such risky behavior. But an old man seated unnoticeably at the back of the crowd which the doctor was facilitating lifted his hand, was allowed to speak and said, ‘‘we were taught not to be afraid and that real man don’t cry or fall sick. I remember as a little boy, I hurt myself and had a painful wound. Grandma told me not to cry or go to clinic. She told me to rub cattle dung on it, walk tall and that a man must never show signs of weakness. ’’

True, part of us was taught to not show ‘‘weakness’’ by society and today men die more than women because they visit the clinic less and live on that take-it-easy mode. The other part is ego and the nature of man. ‘‘Men don’t usually talk about private matters (especially when the matter pertains to anything hanging between their legs), but feeling a twinge of pain from time to time in the scrotum is quite common’’ observes Ruth K. Westheimer author of Sex For Dummies .So when your man refuses to go the clinic remember his upbringing and encourage him gently. A part of how we react emotionally was inculcated into us by society. Now, I am a man who cries and asks for help. Chances that I could commit suicide remain less because I confide in friends, family and God. I still cave in when I have problems just like any other man, but when I feel I won’t get an answer from lengthy introspection and thought, I consult other people. This is my strength. Emotionally women are considered weak. They burst out crying and all. The bible even calls them the ‘‘weaker sex’’ But that weakness is great strength in disguise. ‘‘For when I am weak, then I am strong’’, (2 Corinthians 12:10). Men are strong but they are also weak. Women look weak but they are strong. Women don’t kill themselves over betrayals like men do. Women can forgive a cheating spouse but for a man to forgive seems hard especially when the betrayal involves sex.

Women shouldn’t think that makes them extremely superior to men, because women worry a lot about petty issues, a thing which might be mentally unhealthy. No wonder Adrianna Mendrek, a researcher at the Institut Universitaire En Santé Mentale de Montréal, in a recent press release observes that “Greater emotional reactivity in women may explain many things, such as their being twice as likely to suffer from depression and anxiety disorders to men.” According to Stéphane Potvin, associate professor at the University of Montreal’s Department of Psychiatry. “It is possible that women tend to focus more on the feelings generated by these stimuli, when men remain somewhat ‘passive’ toward negative emotions, trying to analyze the stimuli and their impact.”

Analytic? That sounds intelligent on the side of men, right? I am not against analyzing or intelligence. My advice to men is that ‘‘I know you like analyzing, being logical and stuff. But if you feel a penis ache, sore arms or head ache, avoid trying to analyze, just call the doctor, and you will live long.’’ Today we have a lot of widows because men die early. How many widowers do we have? How many of our men can live as long as President Robert Mugabe. Well, think about it. Many may not like the President of Zimbabwe Robert Mugabe for his tough stance on many views, but I believe he is a happy man who takes health precautions and Jokes or laughs a lot. Recently word has been doing rounds that Mr Mogabe once said, ‘‘If you are ugly, you’re ugly, stop talking about inner beauty because we don’t walk around with x-rays.’’ I don’t know whether he said that or not but I laughed to tears. Talking about women and how talkative they are, it is rumored that Mogabe once said ‘‘God is the best inventor ever, He took a rib from a man and created a loud speaker’’. Again I don’t know whether the old man indeed said so, but the man is funny. He makes me laugh. While watching his recent SADC address on television, I was in tears of laughter. He was talking about how bushmen refuse to leave the kind of life they live in the bush. How they love bush meat and reject civilization. The way he said it made me laugh. Mugabe’s humor to me rivals Trevor Noah’s. Anyway lets get to the topic’s conclusion and leave Mugabe alone...

How does it help you sexually to know all this emotional differences between woman and men. To have a woman enjoy sex somehow implies that the sex has to be emotional to be enjoyable. Some women even cry during hot sex, a thing, which few men can do. If a woman can bring ‘‘small’’ issues to the doctor, that probably means she will worry if you ram her pussy and wound it. They care about such issues. Be sensitive when dealing with a woman. Don’t be over-sensitive but be caring enough to understand them. They are people of emotion, of health and detail.

(5) Fashion