What’s Left of Me

Our body felt incredibly empty. Hollow. Too big. Of course it was too big. Our body had always held two. Now there was only one.

“Eva?”

<Yes?> I shouted.

“Can you hear us, Eva?” Lissa said.

<Yes!—Yes, I can hear you. Where’s Addie? What happened to Addie?>

But of course they heard nothing at all.

“Let’s lay her down first,” Devon said. “I’ll bring her over.”

Hands grabbed our arms and tilted us back in our seat. Someone pulled our chair away from the table. Then more hands, around our waist now. Finally, there was a heave and we were in the air, being carried slowly toward some unknown destination. And I, trapped inside this body that was and wasn’t mine, couldn’t even say a word aloud.

Where were they taking us? Had this all been a trick? A trap? Was this how the government rooted out hybrids who’d escaped institutionalization? By pretending they had friends, had people who understood? By letting them feel like they weren’t alone and then snapping them up while they were vulnerable? We’d walked right into it. Or I had, and I’d dragged Addie down with me.

I’d been so stupid. So trusting. So desperate to believe I might move again.

“Could you get that pillow, Lissa? That one … and just put it here …”

I felt something soft and solid below us. The hands let go. They weren’t taking us out of the house, then. Maybe they weren’t planning on kidnapping us. I didn’t even feel anything akin to relief—just a little less sick.

<Addie> I said. <Addie, what have they done to us?>

“Eva?” It was Devon. “Eva, listen.”

I was listening. I was listening, but they couldn’t know because Addie wasn’t here to tell them.

“Eva, if you’re freaking out, you have to stop. You have to listen to us. Addie’s fine. She’s just … asleep right now because of the medicine. We didn’t think she’d take it if she knew—”

They’d drugged us. They’d really drugged us. A flash of anger seared through me, singeing away just a little of the fear.

“Eva, can you move?”

Of course I couldn’t move!

“The medicine will help, Eva,” Lissa said. “Try and wriggle your fingers.”

I tried. I tried like I’d been trying for years—if only so I could get the hell away from here. Nothing happened. I was trapped in a dead prison of skin and bones, shackled to limbs I couldn’t control. What sort of plan was this? Were they trying to help us? Like this?

<Addie?> I said. <Please, Addie, wake up.>

A hand enveloped mine, and I couldn’t jerk away.

“Eva,” someone said. “Eva, this is Ryan.”

Ryan. Devon’s voice, but Ryan’s, just as Addie’s voice was also mine. Had been mine.

“We haven’t really met yet, but we will. Right now we just want you to try and move your fingers. Move the fingers of the hand I’m holding right now.”

The gentle pressure on our right palm helped orient me. I mentally traced up to the tips of our fingers. Then I tried again to curl them. I tried. I really did.

“It’s been years, I know,” Ryan said. “It’s been a long time, but not too long. You can still do it, Eva.”

<I can’t> I said. <I can’t. I can’t. Not like this.>

Not alone in the dark like this.

“Eva? Are you still trying?”

<Yes> I said, almost crying. <Yes. Yes.>

“I know it’s hard,” he said.

<Do you?> My voice reverberated shrilly in the chasm that had stolen Addie. <Have you ever been like this? Drugged and alone?>

He didn’t hear, so he couldn’t respond. Instead, a new voice broke through the darkness. Lissa? Hally?

“Eva, trust us.”

Trust them!

“The medicine will wear off in a little bit,” she said. “So please, please try.”

I tried. I lay there in the dark, listening to them talk at me, and tried for what seemed like hours. Finally, exhausted and ready to scream, I stopped.

“That’s right,” Lissa said. “That’s good. Keep going.”

“You’ve almost got it,” Ryan said. He’d said it at least ten times.

<I’m not> I raged. <I’m not close at all.>

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t. I wasn’t strong enough, wasn’t good enough, wasn’t tough enough. It had been too long. And Addie—Addie was gone. I couldn’t do it without her. I had never done anything without Addie.

I’d dreamed so long of being able to move again, every fantasy tasting equally of longing and terror. But I’d never dreamed I would be alone like this. That it would happen like this.

“Come on, Eva.”

No. No—

“You can do it.”

Shut up. Shut up shut up shut up. I can’t do it. I ca—

“Eva—”

“I can’t!”