What’s Left of Me

“Lyle.” Mom gave him a look. “Don’t be morbid.”

We’d gone all cold.

“What’s morbid mean?” Lyle said.

Mom looked like she was about to explain, but then she caught sight of our face. “Addie, are you all right?” She frowned. “What happened to your shirt?”

“I’m fine,” Addie said, fending off her touch. “I—I just realized I’ve got a lot of homework tonight.” She avoided the second question altogether. We’d been so worried about our shirt before. Now it hardly seemed to matter.

Hybrids? Hybrids were responsible for the destruction at the museum?

Mom raised an eyebrow. “On a Friday?”

“Yeah,” Addie said. She didn’t seem to realize what she was saying. We both looked at Mom, but I didn’t think Addie saw a thing. “I—I’m going to go upstairs now.”

“There are leftovers in the fridge,” Mom called after us. “Dad will be home around—”

Addie shut our door and fell into bed, kicking off our shoes and burying our head in our arms.

<Oh, God> she whispered, and it was almost a plea.

If hybrids were being blamed for the flood and fire at the history museum, and if said hybrids hadn’t been caught yet, then … I couldn’t even imagine the frenzy that would sweep the city. It would reach us here in the outskirts for sure. Everyone would be on alert, nerves raw, quick to accuse. That was the thing about hybrids. You couldn’t tell just by looking at them.

The Mullans would be the first to have fingers jabbed in their direction, with their foreign blood and strange ways. No one with a shred of sense would have anything to do with them now.

But still, but still.

I could see Hally’s brother standing in the hallway, could remember his eyes on us, remember every word that had come out of his mouth. He’d said I could move again. He’d said they could teach me.

What if he and his sister were taken away? I might spend every burning second of the rest of my life thinking back on this day, ruing the things I did not say, the action I did not take, the chance I failed to seize.

<We’re going back> I said quietly.

Addie didn’t even reply. We lay there, our face pressed into the crook of our elbow.

<We’re going back, Addie> I said.

Devon’s words were red-hot coals inside me, searing away three years of tenuous acceptance. The fire screamed to get out, to escape from the throat, the skin, the eyes that were mine as much as Addie’s. But it couldn’t.

<Can you even hear what you’re saying?> Addie demanded.

Normally, I wouldn’t have responded. I’d learned not to speak whenever I felt like this. To stay quiet and make myself pretend I didn’t care. It was the only way I could keep from going insane, to not die from the want—the need—to move my own limbs. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t scream. I could only be quiet and let myself go numb. Then, at least, I wouldn’t have to feel anymore, wouldn’t have to endlessly crave what I could never have.

But not today. I couldn’t stay quiet today.

<Yes> I said. <I hear it, and you hear it. But no one else does, do they?>

Addie shifted so we faced the wall. <Eva, can … Can you imagine what would happen to us if anyone found out?>

<I know> I said. <I know, but—>

<We’re safe> Addie said. <For the first time since we were six years old, we’re safe, and you want to throw that away?>

My voice had turned pleading, but I was too desperate to care. <This could be my only chance, Addie. I have to risk it—>

<It’s not just your risk> Addie said.

<You don’t understand, Addie> I said. <You can’t. You never will.>

Our eyes squeezed shut. <I can’t go back> Addie said. <I just can’t. I can’t.>

<But I have to!>

<Well, you don’t really have a choice, do you?> Addie said.

It was as if she’d sliced the tendons connecting us, leaving me raw and reeling. For a long, long moment, I couldn’t find any words.

<Fine> I finally spat. <Whatever you want. Obviously I don’t matter at all.>

Once, a few months after our thirteenth birthday, I disappeared.

Only for five or six hours, though it had seemed timeless to me. This was the year Lyle fell sick. The year we found out his kidneys were failing him, that our little brother might never grow up.

Suddenly, we were right back in those hospital hallways. Except this time, Addie and I weren’t the patient—Lyle was. And as terrible as the former had been, the latter managed to be ten times worse. The doctors were all different, the tests different, the way they treated him different. But our parents were just as wild with worry, and Lyle, sitting on the examination table, just as pale and silent as we’d been.

One night, he’d whispered a question in our ear as Addie sat at the edge of his bed, reaching to turn off his lamp.

If he died, did that mean he’d be with Nathaniel again?

Addie had to fight past the stopper in our throat before she could breathe, let alone answer. As was customary, no one had spoken of Nathaniel since he’d faded away three years prior. You’re not going to die, she’d said.

But if—Lyle had said before she cut him off.

You’re not going to die, Lyle. You’re going to be fine. You’re going to get better. You’re going to be fine.

She was short-tempered the rest of the night, and we’d argued over stupid things that had escalated until she shouted at me that our little brother was sick, couldn’t I be human and lay off her, and I’d screamed back that she’d gotten through the death of one little brother just fine, hadn’t she? Because I’d wanted to hurt her, as she’d hurt me.

And I was so scared, so scared.

So scared that just for a moment, I didn’t want to be there beside Addie. I didn’t want to know what tomorrow would bring, what Addie would say next, what would happen to our little brother, who’d asked us today if he’d ever see Nathaniel again.

I’d spent my whole life clutching on. To suddenly go the opposite direction—to curl up smaller and smaller, to sever my ties to our body and to Addie—it had been terrifying. But I’d been so angry, so hurt, and so scared—

And before I even fully realized what I was doing, it was done.

I spent those hours in a world of half-formed dreams while Addie panicked and screamed for me to come back. This she admitted to me more than a year later, but I’d felt her fear when I returned, cloudy-eyed and confused. I’d tasted her relief.

And I never disappeared again, no matter how hard we fought. No matter how scared I was.