A Marriage On Paper

‘But not as sincere as when you proposed once before, to…what was her name? Clare?’ For a second she lost control of her voice and it trembled.

His features darkened. ‘That was a long time ago. I was another person back then.’

‘You were in love; you still remember what it feels like.’

‘I remember the pain of losing her.’ He spoke bluntly. ‘I remember not being in control of my emotions for a long time after her death. If that’s what love does to you…’ He shook his head. ‘I never want to feel that loss again.’

It was the first time he had ever spoken so openly about that period of his life. Alicia felt the rawness in his words, saw it in his eyes. It shocked her. It made her look at him differently. She’d thought she knew him so well…he was the strong businessman, always in control, realistic. But was he that hard-headed? Was this man, who was always so measured when it came to talking about his emotions, simply frightened of letting go…scared of risking love again?

The idea started a flicker of hope within her. If he was serious about marrying her, maybe given time he would fall in love again. Perhaps if she was patient…

She cleared her throat, trying desperately to be sensible, but there was a small voice inside urging her to throw away caution and abandon pride, tell him she had enough love for the two of them.

‘I care about you.’ Dex’s voice was grim. ‘I’ll look after you, Alicia. That’s as much as I can promise…I’m sorry.’

His flat tone dampened her romantic daydreams.

‘I don’t want to be looked after.’ Her voice was quiet, barely audible. She had been ‘looked after’ in the home where she’d grown up. She knew how miserable life could be without someone who really loved you.

‘As I see it, the most important point is that we are expecting a child. We no longer have the luxury of putting ourselves first.’

Alicia didn’t say anything. She was tempted to just agree with him. She took a deep breath. ‘But the fact remains that if I wasn’t pregnant we would never have considered getting married. What we’ve had has been exciting, but never serious.’

His features tightened. ‘If you weren’t pregnant you would be skipping off to Sydney, you mean. And our affair, for all its wild excitement, would be forgotten.’

Nothing was further from the truth, but some gleam of pride made her look across the table, meet his eyes and say steadily, ‘Maybe you’re right.’

She was rewarded by a brief expression of disquiet in the darkness of his eyes. But her small feeling of accomplishment was short-lived. This was too important to play mind games with. ‘But let’s face it, Dex, the idea of marrying me never crossed your mind before yesterday. So what on earth is the point of rushing into something you don’t really want? Especially now.’ Alicia picked up her knife and fork and proceeded to eat her meal, although she had absolutely no appetite. She wondered how she was managing to keep so calm…so realistic…when it was nothing to the way her heart felt. ‘Your business is in a delicate period of transition. Your finances are stretched.’

‘I never realised that finances made such a difference to you.’ Dex was very cool now.

‘They don’t—’

His eyes flicked over the heightened colour in her face. ‘Except that Peter has filled your head with ideas of the colossal money to be made as a top model.’

‘How many people rise to be top models?’ Alicia was dismissive. ‘Anyway that has nothing to do with this.’

‘Like hell it doesn’t.’ He stared at her intently. ‘You’re thinking about not having the baby, aren’t you?’

‘That couldn’t be further from the truth.’ She was horrified by the suggestion.

‘So why won’t you marry me?’

She put down her cutlery and leaned back in her chair. ‘I’ve told you. Because it doesn’t feel right.’

‘I’m not always going to be strapped for cash, Alicia,’ he said seriously. ‘I’m going to be very successful. You do believe in me, don’t you?’

‘Of course.’ She looked across at him earnestly. ‘This has nothing to do with money or success or power, or anything like that, it’s to do with you and I.’

He didn’t look convinced. There was silence for a while. She put her knife and fork straight on her plate; she couldn’t eat anything more, felt that if she had another mouthful of food it might stick in her throat.

‘Do you want to order something else?’ he asked.

She shook her head.

‘You should eat something more, you need to keep your strength up.’

Alicia’s lips twisted in a wry smile. ‘I can take care of myself, Dex. You don’t have to start worrying about me.’

He put up his hand and summoned the waiter. ‘Do you think we could have the bill, please?’ he asked politely.

Looking across at him now, Alicia could see a shuttered expression on the handsome face. He seemed withdrawn, remote.

‘Dex, don’t be angry with me,’ she said quietly. ‘How can I agree to something when I know deep down it just isn’t going to work?’

He didn’t say anything to that.

She watched as he paid the bill and then picked up the ring box from the table. ‘Let’s go, shall we?’

Numbly she followed him out of the restaurant. They crossed the quiet road towards the car.

It was a clear, moonlit night. The sea looked a silver colour, and the palm trees that lined the beach were dark silhouettes.

There was a children’s playground under the trees. A couple were pushing a little girl on a swing and her laughter drifted on the night air. It was the only sound except for the sea.

They got into the car, but Dex didn’t start the engine right away.

‘We could be like them.’ Dex nodded his head in the direction of the couple.

She felt her heart squeeze inside.

‘But you’re throwing it all away.’

She couldn’t answer him, couldn’t find the strength to answer him.

‘OK we don’t love each other,’ he grated. ‘But we’re friends…we’re good together in bed.’

‘Too good.’ It took a lot to find the fortitude to joke now.

‘I want our baby, Alicia.’

‘I know.’ Her voice was very quiet. He wanted the baby more than he wanted her.

‘But what happens after you get bored with the good sex?’ Her voice crumbled. ‘I mean, I suppose, apart from Clare, you’ve never kept a girlfriend past a few months, Dex.’

‘You mean when you’re past your sell-by date?’ He grinned, with a return to his good humour.

‘Something like that.’ Her lips twisted in bitter amusement.