Holding The Line: A romantic suspense that will get your pulse racing

“I thought you knew. Christ, Beth, just listen to me. I know this a lot for you but for fuck’s sake just let me explain. I know you’re scared. You’re always scared but stop running.”

Beth’s hands fisted. She wasn’t scared, she was angry and she had every right to be. And Torres had a right to be hurt and angry, there was just nothing she could do about it other than add it to her list of regrets.

Paige came around the corner holding up a pair of footie pajamas. “You OK?” Paige said. She glanced down at Beth’s wrist, still encircled. “Ally said these pinch her toes.”

Beth nodded. “I’m fine.” She pulled her hand from Torres’ and this time he let her go. “Yeah, those are too small. She has a pair on the back of the chair in her bedroom.”

“Are you sure everything is OK?” Paige asked again.

No everything wasn’t OK. It hadn’t been OK in a long time but she was just about managing to pretend it was before Torres came back. She wanted to scream and shout and tell Torres how much he had hurt her. She wanted to feel everything she had pushed down for so long and then never feel it again. She wanted it to be over. “Yes everything is fine. I just need a favor. I am going to need to go back out tonight. I know it is a big ask but can you take Alejandra to your house tonight?” She needed to get it all out with Torres and then be done.

Paige gave her a dubious look. “Of course I can take Ally. But wouldn’t it be easier for me to stay here? She is almost ready for bed.”

Beth shook her head. She couldn’t look directly at her sister. She would know she was lying. “Please can you take her? I don’t know what time I’ll be home. I’ll get her in the morning and take her to school.”

Paige looked uncertain.

“I would really appreciate it. Armando and I have a few loose ends we need to tie up.” Would his Christian name ever sound normal to her?

“Yeah OK, sure,” her sister said at last. “Call me if you need anything.” Paige shot her a knowing glance.

Beth watched her sister’s car pull out of the driveway. She turned to face Torres. “You can’t come here again.” She needed to establish the boundaries right away. When it came to Torres the lines always became blurred. But this was one line they couldn’t cross. For her sanity, they could not cling to the past or pretend they had a future.

He nodded.

“No. I mean it. It’s not just because it is unsafe. I don’t want you here. I don’t want lots of strange men around Alejandra. I’m someone’s mom now. I have changed.” She listed her excuses, but there was only one reason why: Beth could not live through the pain again. Once was enough to last a lifetime.

Once Torres knew the truth, he wouldn’t want anything to do with her anyway. The realization should have comforted her, she wanted closure after all, but it hurt in a way too painful for her to even acknowledge.

Torres nodded again. He stared down at his hands.

She was being rude. Jesus, the least she could do was offer him a drink. “Do you want some coffee?” She would offer him some of the wine she was about to pour herself but Torres didn’t drink.

“No. I don’t want coffee. I want you to tell me you know that I didn’t leave you.”

Beth uncorked a bottle of red wine. She shook her head. She couldn’t look at him. Torres was here, in her house. The number of times she had prayed he would come back, and now he was there. It was too much. His presence overwhelmed her. “It doesn’t matter, Torres. You left and I moved on.” She poured herself a glass right to the top and took a sip. Cake and wine weren’t the most nutritious meal she could have picked, but she needed it tonight.

“Of course it fucking matters,” Torres said incredulously.

“Please sit down.” Beth gestured to the sofa. From the corner of her eye she watched the muscles in his jaw tense, and the silver slash of his scar grow taut over his bronzed skin. Beth squeezed the stem of her glass to keep from running her hand over his scarred face. He was so close. Close enough now to touch, his broad shoulders, his solid chest, and the thick muscles of his arms, the arms that were once her favorite place. “You are making me nervous.”

“I always did. I always scared you.”

Beth was about to object but he was right. Torres scared everyone. She chose the seat opposite him. She needed the physical distance to be able to look at him without giving in to the need to touch him. He was beautiful and scary and utterly masculine. She loved the way he looked and she wasn’t going to deny herself the pleasure of looking at him one last time. “Yes you did. I thought you would hurt me and you proved me right. Moral of the story is: trust your gut.” Beth took another long sip of wine.

Torres shook his head. His hair was long and thick now, not shaved close to his scalp, but his features were just as harsh. How could she have ever thought that he was only terrifying because of the way he looked? It wasn’t the shaved head or the scars or the tattoo. The fear came from something deeper. It was him, who he was, the things he had done; the things he was capable of.

Torres’ stare bore down on her. “No, I think the moral of that story is once a chicken always a chicken.” There was no mistaking the bitterness in his voice. She disappointed him. Best for him to know now, that she always would.

“No, I never trusted you because I knew you would hurt me.” She paused, she didn’t want to give him any more power but she needed him to know. “And you did. So well done to you for living up to expectations.” She raised her glass as if to toast him and then brought it to her lips. “I knew loving you could only end in tears. But I did it anyway. So here is to my stupidity.” She toasted the air again and then took another long sip. Her skin was warming.

“I only went to Colombia to protect you.”

“No!” she scoffed. “Your reasons for going to Colombia had nothing to do with me. Maybe you tell yourself they did, but we both know you went to find El Escorpion. I should have known. You needed blood. Stupid me. You didn’t get to kill Martinez so you went after El Escorpion. Stupid, stupid me.” She downed the last of her wine and then stood up. “Are you sure you don’t want some, Torres? Drinking alone is pathetic even for me.”

“Then don’t drink.” His voice was curt. He reached for her glass but she pulled it away.

“I need a drink. I deserve a drink.” She walked back into the kitchen and poured herself another glass of wine. She returned minutes later with the glass in one hand and a bottle in the other. “Let me tell you about my day. It has been pretty shitty. It started with my partner telling me that the agent I recruited was dead.” Beth took another drink, this time straight from the bottle. “No, he wasn’t just my agent. He was the love of my life.” The effects of the alcohol must have kicked in because she was able to admit that out loud, and it didn’t even sting. It was just a statement of fact. “Then I find out he isn’t actually dead, he was held captive by the same cartel I recruited him to dismantle. Is that ironic or just pathetic?”

Beth raised her hand to cut him off. “Don’t interrupt me. You said you wanted to talk. Well I’m talking, Torres. So now I am torn. I feel like he just reached into my chest and ripped out my heart. I say he but I mean you, Torres. You hurt me. I hurt for a long time.” She closed her eyes. “I want to hate you.” She shook her head. “No, I need to hate you. But I see you and I want to hold you and want to know every single detail so I can feel them too. I want to know what you went through. I just want to be able to give you comfort because when I see you in pain I can feel it and I need it to stop. I need it to stop, Torres.”

“Oh Christ, Beth. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“No. Don’t. It’s too late for apologies.” She took a long sip of wine.

Torres shook his head. “It’s not too late. It’s never too late until one of us dies. It’s not too late to fix this, to fix us.” Torres stood and crossed to her. “It’s not too late.”

“Everything has changed, Torres.” The tears were threatening to spill from her eyes. She took another drink to numb herself. “I’m a mom now.” There was so much she could tell him but it would be cruel. She wished he could just understand without her having to spell out what she had done.

Torres smiled. Only half of his face rose.

Beth closed her eyes. “Don’t do that. I missed that,” she admitted. “No one smiles like you.”

“I can’t help smiling, Beth. You make me happy even when things are shit between us, I’m still happy to be around you. I smile because I’m happy to be in the same room with you again. I’ve wanted this for a long time, just to be in the same room as you. And I love that you adopted Alejandra. I don’t know why I was surprised. Of course you would adopt her. That’s just you. That’s why I am smiling. You’re a good woman.”

His words tore through her like shrapnel. “I’m really not.” Beth finished her glass of wine and then poured another before she set the bottle down on the floor. Tomorrow her head was going to hurt like hell but tonight she might just achieve numb. “I really wish you knew how far off the mark you are. There are things I could tell you.”

Torres put his hand on her. His palm was rougher than she remembered, even more callused. Her skin warmed under his touch. “Don’t tell me then. I don’t need to know. You need the lies you tell yourself; maybe I need mine too. You’ve moved on, I know. I see it, I don’t need to hear about it.”

“Please don’t stand so close to me.” She couldn’t breathe. He was too close. She remembered this, his smell, the way she was drawn to him even when she fought it. There was a safe zone with him, where rationality prevailed, but once he was close, all higher reason broke down and she was propelled by something primal. “Torres. We can’t go back.”

Beth stood. She needed to create space between them again. But instead of moving further away, Torres used the opportunity to close the gap between them. “I don’t want to go back,” he assured her.

His breath was hot on her neck. She shivered at the sensation. Her fingers itched to reach out and touch him. My God how she wanted to stroke his skin and run her hands through his hair. He was too close for her to think.

“Things have changed,” she said again.

Half his mouth rose in a grin. “Not the way I feel. Not the way you make me smile. Not the way my body responds to you.” He stepped closer. She could feel his body pressed against her. He was too close but she wanted him closer.

For a long moment she couldn’t move. He was so close. Torres was back, here with her. Her lids gently closed as she breathed him in. Her body softened…reflex…muscle memory…instinct.

But then she remembered.

Beth pulled away. “No. I can’t do this.” She picked up her glass and took another drink. She wasn’t anywhere close to numb yet. She couldn’t do this. Their time had passed, that bridge had been well and truly burned.

Torres took the glass from her. “Getting drunk isn’t going to solve anything.”

Beth clenched her hands into fists to keep herself from reaching for him. He lowered his head and kissed her neck. The caress of his tongue on her delicate flesh sent a bolt of desire to her core.