Green Earth

Charlie stared in his reflection in the side of the stove hood. His eyes were round.

“Hmm,” he said. He got Joe’s bottle in its pot, stuck an earphone in his left ear. “Phone, give me Phil … Hello, Phil, look I wanted to catch you while the thought was fresh, I was thinking that if we introduced the Chinese aerosols bill again, we could catch the whole air problem at a fulcrum and either start a process that would finish with the coal plants here on the East Coast, or else it would serve as a stalking horse, see what I mean?”

“Hmm, good idea Charlie, I’d forgotten that bill, but it was a good one. I’ll give that a try. Call Roy and tell him to get it ready.”

“Sure Phil, consider it done.”

Charlie took the bottle out of the pot and dried it. Joe appeared in the door, naked, holding up his diaper for Charlie’s inspection.

“Wow Joe, very good! You pooped in your toilet? Very good, here’s your bottle all ready, what a perfect kind of Pavlovian reward.”

Joe snatched the bottle from Charlie’s hand and waddled off, a length of toilet paper trailing behind him, one end stuck between the halves of his butt.

Holy shit, Charlie thought. So to speak.

He called up Roy and told him Phil had authorized the reintroduction of the Chinese bill. Roy was incredulous. “What do you mean, we went down big-time on that, it was a joke then and it would be worse now!”

“Not so, it lost bad but that was good, we got lots of credit for it that we deployed elsewhere, and it’ll happen the same way when we do it again because it’s right, Roy, we have right on our side on this.”

“Yes of course obviously but that’s not the point—”

“Not the point? Have we gotten so jaded that being right is no longer relevant?”

“No of course not, but that’s not the point either, it’s like playing a chess game, each move is just a move in the larger game, you know?”

“Yes I do know because that’s my analogy, but that’s my point, this is a good move, this checks them, and they have to give up a queen to stop from being checkmated.”

“You really think it’s that much leverage? Why?”

“Because Winston has such ties to Chinese industry, and he can’t defend that very well to his constituency, Christian realpolitik isn’t a coherent philosophy and so it’s a vulnerability he has don’t you see?”

“Well yeah, of course. You said Phil okayed it already?”

“Yes he did.”

“Okay, that’s good enough for me.”

Charlie got off and did a little dance in the kitchen, circling out into the living room, where Joe was sitting on the floor trying to get back into his diaper. Both adhesive tags had torn loose. “Good try Joe, here let me help you.”

“Okay da.” Joe held out the diaper.

“Hmm,” Charlie said, suddenly suspicious.

He called up Anna and got her. “Hey snooks, how are you, yeah I’m just calling to say I love you and to suggest that we get tickets to fly to Jamaica, we’ll find some kind of kid care and go down there just by ourselves, we’ll rent a whole beach to ourselves and spend a week down there or maybe two, it would be good for us.”

“True.”

“It’s really inexpensive down there now because of the unrest and all, so we’ll have it to ourselves almost.”

“True.”

“So I’ll just call up the travel agent and have them put it all on my business expenses card.”

“Okay, go for it.”

Then there was a kind of wet cracking sound, and Charlie woke up.

“Ah shit.”

He knew just what had happened, because it had happened before. His dreaming mind had grown skeptical at something in a dream that was going too well or badly—in this case, his implausibly powerful persuasiveness—and so he had dreamed ever-more-unlikely scenarios, in a kind of test-to-destruction, until the dream had popped.

It was almost funny, this relationship to dreams. Except sometimes they crashed at the most inopportune moments. It was perverse to probe the limits of believability rather than just go with the flow, but that was the way Charlie’s mind worked, apparently. Nothing he could do about it but groan and laugh, and try to train his sleeping mind into a more wish-fulfillment-tolerant response.

It turned out that in the waking world it was a work-at-home day for Anna, scheduled to give Charlie a kind of poison ivy vacation from Joe. Charlie was planning to take advantage of that to go down to the office by himself for once, and have a talk with Phil about what to do next. It was crucial to get Phil on line for a set of small bills that would save the best of the comprehensive.

He padded downstairs to find Anna cooking pancakes for the boys. Joe liked to use them as little frisbees. “Morning babe.”

“Hi hon.” He kissed her on the ear, inhaling the smell of her hair. “I just had the most amazing dream. I could talk anybody into anything.”

“How exactly was that a dream?”

“Yeah right! Don’t tease me, obviously I can’t talk anybody into anything. No, this was definitely a dream. In fact I pushed it too far and killed it. I tried to talk you into going off with me to Jamaica, and you said yes.”

She laughed merrily at the thought, and he laughed to see her laugh, and at the memory of the dream. And then it seemed like a gift instead of a mockery.

He scanned the kitchen computer screen for the news. Stormy Monday, it proclaimed. Big storms were swirling up out of the subtropics, and the freshly minted blue of the Arctic Ocean was dotted by a daisy chain of white patches, all falling south. Polar vortexes. The highest satellite photos, covering most of the Northern Hemisphere, reminded Charlie of how his skin had looked right after his outbreak of poison ivy. A huge white blister had covered Southern California the day before; another was headed their way from Canada, this one a real bruiser—big, wet, slightly warmer than usual, pouring down on them from Saskatchewan.

The media meteorologists were already in a lather of anticipation, not only over the Arctic blast but also a tropical storm now leaving the Bahamas.

“Not that impressive, this guy calls it! My God, everybody’s a critic. Now people are reviewing the weather.”

“‘Tasteful little cirrus clouds,’” Anna quoted from somewhere.

“Yeah. And I heard someone talking about ‘an ostentatious thunderhead.’”

“It’s the melodrama,” Anna guessed. “Climate as bad art, as soap opera. Or some kind of reality show. Do you think you should stay home?”

“No it’ll be okay. I’ll just be at work.”

“Okay.” This made sense to Anna; it took a lot to keep her from going to work. “But be careful.”

“I will. I’ll be indoors.”

Charlie went upstairs to get ready. A trip out without Joe! It was like a little adventure.

Although when he was out the door and walking up Wisconsin, he found he kind of missed his little puppetmaster. He stood at a corner, waiting for the light to change, and when a tall semi rumbled by he said aloud, “Oooh, big truck!” which caused the others waiting for the light to give him a look. Embarrassing. But it was truly hard to remember he was alone. His shoulders kept flexing at the unaccustomed lack of weight. The back of his neck felt the wind on it. It was somehow an awful realization: he would rather have had Joe along. “Jesus, Quibler, what are you coming to.”

It was good, however, not to have the straps of the baby backpack cutting across his chest. Even without them the poison ivy damage was prickling at the touch of his shirt and the first sheen of sweat. Since the encounter with the tree he had slept so poorly, spending so much of every night awake in an agony of unscratchable itching, that he felt thoroughly and completely deranged. His doctor had prescribed powerful oral steroids, and given him a shot of them too, so maybe that was part of it. That or simply the itching itself. Putting on clothes was like a kind of skin-deep electrocution.