Fruits of Culture

JACOB. How many persons am I to lay the table for?

ANNA PÁVLOVNA. For how many?.. Theodore Ivánitch! Let him give up the silver plate to you. Be off, at once! It is all his fault! This man will bring me to my grave. Last night he nearly starved the dog that had done him no harm! And, as if that were not enough, he lets the infected peasants into the kitchen, and now they are here again! It is all his fault! Be off at once! Discharge him, discharge him! [To Simon] And you, horrid peasant, if you dare to have rows in my house again, I'll teach you!

SECOND PEASANT. All right, if he is a horrid peasant there's no good keeping him; you'd better discharge him too, and there's an end of it.

ANNA PÁVLOVNA [while listening to him looks at Third Peasant] Only look! Why, he has a rash on his nose – a rash! He is ill; he is a hotbed of infection!! Did I not give orders, yesterday, that they were not to be allowed into the house, and here they are again? Drive them out!

THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Then are we not to accept their money?

ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Their money? Oh yes, take their money; but they must be turned out at once, especially this one! He is quite rotten!

THIRD PEASANT. That's not just, lady. God's my witness, it's not just! You'd better ask my old woman, let's say, whether I am rotten! I'm clear as crystal, let's say.

ANNA PÁVLOVNA. He talks!.. Off, off with him! It's all to spite me!.. Oh, I can't bear it, I can't!.. Send for the doctor! [Runs away, sobbing. Exit also Jacob and Gregory].

TÁNYA [to Betsy] Miss Elizabeth, darling, what am I to do now?

BETSY. Never mind, you go with them and I'll arrange it all. [Exit].

FIRST PEASANT. Well, your reverence, how about the reception of the sum now?

SECOND PEASANT. Let us settle up, and go.

THIRD PEASANT [fumbling with the packet of bank-notes] Had I known, I'd not have come for the world. It's worse than a fever!

THEODORE IVÁNITCH [to Doorkeeper] Show them into my room. There's a counting-board there. I'll receive their money. Now go.

DOORKEEPER. Come along.

THEODORE IVÁNITCH. And it's Tánya you have to thank for it. But for her you'd not have had the land.

FIRST PEASANT. That's just it. As she made the proposal, so she put it into effect.

THIRD PEASANT. She's made men of us. Else what were we? We had so little land, no room to let a hen out, let's say, not to mention the cattle. Good-bye, dear! When you get to the village, come to us and eat honey.

SECOND PEASANT. Let me get home and I'll start brewing the beer for the wedding! You will come?

TÁNYA. Yes, I'll come, I'll come! [Shrieks] Simon, this is fine, isn't it? [Exeunt Peasants].

THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well, Tánya, when you have your house I'll come to visit you. Will you welcome me?

TÁNYA. Dear Theodore Ivánitch, just the same as we would our own father! [Embraces and kisses him].

Curtain

END OF “FRUITS OF CULTURE.”

notes

1

Economical balls at which the ladies are bound to appear in dresses made of cotton materials.

2

The present value of the rouble is rather over two shillings and one penny.

3

The Gypsy choirs are very popular in Moscow.

4

BETSY. Cease! You are becoming quite unbearable!

5

PETRÍSTCHEF. I have C said (ceased), B said, and D said.

6

BARONESS. But tell me, please, is he paid for this?

ANNA PÁVLOVNA. I really do not know.

7

BARONESS. But he is a gentleman?

ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Oh yes!

BARONESS. It is almost miraculous. Isn't it? How does he manage to find things?

ANNA PÁVLOVNA. I really can't tell you. My husband will explain it to you… Excuse me…

8

Stunning!

9

BARONESS. Capital! Does it not cause him any pain?

LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Not the slightest.

10

He uses a Centigrade thermometer.