The Yummy Mummy’s Family Handbook

The Yummy Mummy’s Family Handbook
Liz Fraser

‘Liz Fraser portrayal of family life is hilarious and so true. I loved Liz Fraser's first book, but this is even better. Every single mum and dad in the world should have a book like this in their homes!’ Amazon reviewThrow off your Domestic Goddess apron or Superwoman's powersuit – the new family ensemble is far more wearable.But work pressures, stroppy kids, and run-ins with the in-laws can all lead to split seams and frayed nerves, and family life isn't a simple one-size fits all.Liz Fraser, mother of three, invites you into the family home to explore the most common of domestic snags. From TV tantrums to refreshing your sex life, feeding time at the zoo to playground politics, she offers invaluable reassurance and top tips for keeping it all hanging together.A honest, hilarious must-have guide on how to survive family life.

The Yummy Mummy’s Family Handbook

LIZ FRASER

For Emily, Phoebe and Charlie. xxx

Table of Contents

Cover (#uc7af2705-afb3-5f09-9188-dab25ad75698)

Title Page (#u8856c175-b8a2-54e8-aec0-1c8b4eb4c7a3)

Dedication (#ud486fb9d-6272-5a39-9d41-55c0af5dcdf6)

Map (#u33f96ad5-9ee4-5ceb-b32d-b2a476422092)

Part One Bricks and Mortar (#u1f7aa52c-5d1f-5156-8a6c-42e2459c36c1)

Part Two The Front Porch (#ufa4448fc-b472-5bd1-b60c-815e2a1d0c6b)

Part Three The Entrance Hall (#u9432d183-d25b-554d-832f-8a43aa5fce01)

Part Four The Cupboard Under The Stairs (#u10ba99e4-f0d7-59d9-8b03-458c2f3a1132)

Part Five The Utility Room (#uf82ad625-7cd7-59dc-97c5-82a633a9062e)

Part Six The Pantry (#u31ee7a99-44f9-553e-ac42-5743b2ac6dd7)

Part Seven The Kitchen (#uf4c32e04-192e-5b53-bebc-789d6cf75cfb)

Part Eight The Dining Room (#u8e63350c-2b4d-5163-bf98-042bf8109344)

Part Nine The Living Room or Lounge (#litres_trial_promo)

Part Ten The Playroom (#litres_trial_promo)

Part Eleven The Landing (#litres_trial_promo)

Part Twelve The Master Bedroom (#litres_trial_promo)

Part Thirteen The Children’s Bedroom (#litres_trial_promo)

Part Fourteen The Extension (#litres_trial_promo)

Part Fifteen The Guest Bedroom (#litres_trial_promo)

Part Sixteen The Study (#litres_trial_promo)

Part Seventeen The Bathroom (#litres_trial_promo)

Part Eighteen The Toilet (#litres_trial_promo)

Part Nineteen The Attic (#litres_trial_promo)

Part Twenty The Garden (#litres_trial_promo)

Part Twenty-One The Garden Shed (#litres_trial_promo)

Part Twenty-Two One For The Road (#litres_trial_promo)

Acknowledgements (#litres_trial_promo)

Index (#litres_trial_promo)

About the Author (#litres_trial_promo)

Copyright (#litres_trial_promo)

About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo)

PART ONE Bricks and Mortar (#ulink_33fed510-dc7c-500e-92b4-6bdb8c1df023)

Laying the Foundations: An introduction

Families, eh? What a nightmare: it’s all kids, marriages, oversized cars, arguments, stressful holidays, affairs, the school run, snotty noses, admin, tantrums and break-ups—who the hell would ever want to go through that?!

Well, funnily enough rather a lot of us take a stab at Family Life, and despite what you may have heard in the press about divorce rates rocketing, all men being bastards and children being less desirable than global warming and shell suits, families are having something of a revival. Hurrah!

After decades of monumental fuck-ups caused by wanting to Have It All, leaving a legacy of rich divorce lawyers and psychotherapists, it seems that an increasing number of people are thinking there may be more to life than high-powered careers, flat-screen TVs, mind-blowing sex and holidays in Barbados. Not much more, obviously, but a little, and perhaps something worth putting a good deal of effort into.

It is almost impossible to define a family these days, as any sense of what’s ‘normal’ vanished years ago. I had a conversation recently with a friend who talked about her daughter’s ex-stepmother’s girl-friend. I got there in the end, but it was pretty confusing. Families now come in all shapes and sizes: there are married parents, stepparents, step-children, cohabiting parents, gay couples with kids, small families, gigantic families, happy families, miserable families, and families you really wouldn’t want to get stuck next to on a campsite. My own set-up of being married with three kids is probably far from the norm these days, but it works (mostly) for us.

Whatever the actual bricks and mortar of a family, and however you go about living in it, two things seem pretty clear: firstly, married (or effectively married) people are generally happier, healthier and more contented than those who aren’t; and secondly, children brought up in stable family homes grow into happier, healthier and more contented adults. And thus the cycle continues.

But keeping it all hanging together—through the years of child-rearing, career changes, financial wobbles and the inevitable middle-age spread—is really hard, and I am yet to meet a single married person with kids who doesn’t occasionally want to buy a one-way ticket to Rio and live it up a little! Happily these feelings of frustration, boredom and an interest in sexy beachwear usually pass quite quickly and we all get back to making packed lunches and putting away fifty pairs of socks before we get as far as finding our passports.

My theory as to why we find family life so challenging, even though generations before us stuck together like limpets, is that we are not trained or encouraged to commit to anything. Our lives are geared towards change, and fast change at that: we can return goods to shops should we decide blue isn’t really our colour, throw things away if we don’t like them any more, choose between a hundred television channels and swap electricity suppliers in one phone call. Nothing is ‘forever’ and choice is everywhere: if we don’t like it, we move on and get something better…until we don’t like that any more either. Our attention spans now compare with those of goldfish, and our children’s are even shorter. In short, we are addicted to convenience, speed and choice.

Commitment? Hell, no!

When it comes to material things, all of this choice and ability to jump ship is rather good: if I want to get a better microwave, why shouldn’t I trade the old one in? If I buy a shirt for my husband that turns out to be a size too small because he’s been eating all the pies again, what’s the harm in swapping it for a bigger one? None. But family life cannot operate under these terms and conditions. It requires a completely different way of thinking: you are not owed anything—you all owe it to each other to be there, to help, to support, and to put the bins out on a Monday.

This book won’t, I’m sorry to say, tell you how to reach the Nirvana of a perfect family life, because it doesn’t exist. It won’t bring you beautiful, well-mannered children, a fulfilling job, a perfectly risen sponge or a man who pays you compliments while remaining faithful for the next fifty years.

What it will do is take you on a journey through a family home, and, room by room, tackle some of the most common issues that face many families on a daily basis. Through my own (mixed) experiences of raising three kids and living with one man for thirteen years I will share my survival tactics for making it to the next wedding anniversary (see, there is an incentive to hang in there…) and there are handy hints and tips from some of my friends who have done the Family Thing too. There are some topics that I have omitted, such as going through a divorce, coping with teenagers or dealing with step-families, because I haven’t been there and got the T-shirt yet. Give me a few more years, though…