Five Go Glamping: An adventure in the countryside for grown ups

A sharp nudge from Sinead brought me back to reality. ‘Will you listen?’

Smiley mirror lady turned again and shushed us this time. I hadn’t technically said anything, but as I suspected mirrored skirt lady was a secret psychopath, I thought I’d be quiet.

Anyway, I was listening. Sort of. There was something about not fearing your inner goddess, blah blah blah, something about fearing change, something about embracing change, not fearing change and it was all quite frankly a load of nonsense. It was all so wishy washy, and I couldn’t see how you could embrace change if you didn’t have a clue what you wanted to change in the first place. You needed some kind of plan for doing that. Sinead’s ‘follow your heart’ philosophy was all very well if you knew what your heart wanted to do in the first place. I shuffled uncomfortably in my seat and slumped down and folded my arms. I was momentarily distracted by weird trousers bloke’s backside. Not in a ‘checking out his backside’ kind of way, simply wondering about the trousers and where he’d bought them. I bet Doris had better curtains than that. I tutted.

Sinead gave me another dig. Chelsea Aurora Moonbeam instructed us to close our eyes. I looked at Steph to see if she had closed her eyes. They were half closed. I closed my eyes.

‘Take three deep breaths. Visualise who you want to be. Maybe it’s someone you know. Someone people love to be around. What does she look like? This could be the woman you want to be, the woman you want to become.’

I wasn’t very good at this stuff and I didn’t really want to play but I did see a blurry figure coming into view. It was bloody Doris. Oh God, it’s Doris. Why am I thinking of Doris?

‘How does she walk? How does she move? Is that how you move? How you would like to move?’ Ms Moonbeam was almost singing the words.

Get out of my head Doris. Think of someone else. Anyone else. Oh good lord. Doris again? Really? ‘Can you imagine what it is like to be her? What does it feel like?’

Oh God. It would feel vile, and I wouldn’t be able to operate a computer, and I’d drink Coftea and I’d enjoy it. I desperately tried to think of someone else.

‘Now imagine you are stepping into her body, you are becoming her. This is your inner goddess and you’re reconnecting with her. Doesn’t that feel good? You can be like her. Embrace her.’ I looked around at Steph, her eyes fully closed now. I tried to keep my eyes open so I could escape my Doris vision but Chelsea Aurora Moonbeam’s voice was so soothing and hypnotic. As much as I tried to resist, there I was stepping into Doris, sealing my fate as a mad cat lady.

‘Breathe it in.’ said Chelsea, making lots of oohing and ahhing noises. ‘Doesn’t it feel wonderful?’

No, it didn’t feel wonderful. It felt like crap.

Chapter Five (#ulink_40179ef8-e652-576c-9a90-0ced87441808)

‘I can’t believe she signed my book. So inspiring. Wasn’t it wonderful?’ Sinead was ecstatic in the cab on the way to The Swan as she hugged a copy of ‘You Can Do It’ by Chelsea Aurora Moonbeam.

‘It was okay actually. I quite enjoyed it.’ said Steph and she sounded like she meant it; she definitely seemed a lot calmer than normal. I didn’t say anything and just looked out the window. I couldn’t believe Steph had liked it. All of it was rubbish. After the stupid visualisation part, Chelsea Aurora Moonbeam went on and on about how you had to seize your destiny, but how could you do that if you didn’t know what your destiny was in the first place?

My phone rang. It was Kirk.

‘Where the bloody hell are you all?’ he shouted, always the drama queen. ‘I’m having to do the picture round on my own, there’s twenty bloody questions this week. I’m a nervous wreck!’

‘Calm down Kirk,’ I said soothingly. ‘We’ll be there in a second. Isn’t Gav with you?’

‘He’s not coming. But there’s someone else here I want you to meet. His name is Brian and he’s gorgeous.’

‘We’re here. See you in a sec. Take deep breaths.’ I made faces to the others and they rolled their eyes.

‘He says Gav isn’t coming and he wants us to meet someone gorgeous called Brian’ I said.

None of us really liked Gav, and we were all glad he wasn’t coming. Since Kirk had met Gav, he hardly ever came out with us and we blamed Gav for making Kirk boring.

‘Oh.’ Sinead’s eyes actually filled up with tears. Brian was indeed gorgeous and so cute that Sinead stopped dead in her tracks.

‘I want him,’ Steph cried.

Steph went to pick him up, but he wriggled towards me so I stretched out my arms and sat down with him at the table. He was so beautiful. He nuzzled into my neck and licked my cheek. He was without a doubt the most beautiful pup I had ever seen in my life.

‘I told you he was gorgeous, didn’t I?’ Kirk beamed like a proud parent. ‘Shall I officially introduce you? Fiona, this is Brian Harvey. Brian Harvey, this is Fiona.’

‘Brian Harvey? As in Brian Harvey out of East 17? As in ran over by his own car Brian Harvey?’

Steph looked disgusted for a split second until she looked at Brian and fell in love with him again. ‘Give! My turn!’

I passed Brian Harvey to her and she cooed for a minute until he licked her face which she didn’t like and she passed him to Sinead.

‘He does look a lot like Brian Harvey,’ said Sinead.

It was weird, because he sort of did. But he was still gorgeous.

Kirk pretended to be annoyed with us for not taking the quiz seriously, we never did, but really he was delighted because we were all a little bit in love with Brian Harvey. He had a bit of a moan that we hadn’t asked him to come to Chelsea Aurora Moonbeam but we said it was a girls’ thing. Then he wanted to know why the chap with the crazy trousers was allowed to go, because Sinead hadn’t shut up about him. Kirk said he must be gay, Sinead insisted he wasn’t. Sinead said he was in touch with his feminine side. I said it was more like he was in touch with his crazy trouser side.

‘So we’re going then? To the festivals?’ Sinead pleaded.

‘You promise there are hair straighteners in the yurt?’ asked Steph.

‘I promise.’ I could see Sinead was getting excited.

Steph raised an eyebrow and looked even more intrigued. ‘And we get a proper bed. A proper bed each? And it’s free? Okay then. What do you reckon, Fiona?’

‘I’m not sure. Because you know, the caravan and everything.’

Yes, I was trying to make a caravan with my parents seem more appealing than a free weekend in a luxury yurt. And to be honest, it did. If Steph and Sinead were going to join the Chelsea Aurora Moonbeam cult, then I’d be safer in Weston and I wouldn’t have to pretend to be a tree – or worse, Doris. But it was free. And it might be my last chance to have fun before I ‘seized my destiny’ and turned into Doris in September.