While You Were Dreaming

‘Damn it. Damn all of it. That shoe. Justin, for being a crap boyfriend and not looking out for her! What was he thinking?’ she said hoarsely.

‘Let’s all just calm down a bit,’ said Nurse Gratten, as Cara made a mental note to put in a complaint about her as soon as Lena was discharged from this dump of a hospital. About what, she wasn’t yet sure, but someone had to pay for this. Of course she knew she was sounding irrational, but nothing felt rational any more.

‘There’s a lot of research that says Lena can hear everything you’re saying, so try and keep it…’ She looked towards them, and perhaps remembering her place, relaxed a bit. ‘Let’s all stay calm, for Lena. She needs us all to be strong.’

Friends and colleagues of Lena had trickled in to the hospital in the first week to see her, but Cara had found it difficult to converse with the unfamiliar faces. Eventually, they stopped coming. Who could blame them, though? They had their lives to lead. The only people Lena needed were her two sisters and Ade–everyone else (and that included the handful of aunties that resided in Southampton) were mere acquaintances. So nowadays, in Lena’s room, all she could expect was the sound of her own voice as she muttered words of encouragement to her sister or the clicking tap-tap of shoes travelling up and down the corridor outside the room. Whenever she, Ade, and Millie sat together, none of them really knew what to say. No one really wanting to look at Lena because to look at her would make it all seem real.

Ade rushed off to get her a coffee whilst Nurse Gratten muttered something about seeing to the other patients–and at last Cara was alone with her beloved sister in that room.

Just the way she preferred it.

Cara clutched her hand. Lena’s nails were uneven and cracked. A stark contrast to her own manicured fingers. She wasn’t going to cry–no, she’d never do that, but that didn’t stop her fantasizing about what it would be like to just lose herself into a dark, dark place, away from the hospital, where she’d be free to just release a plethora of emotion, and perhaps even let a few tears flow. But she wasn’t sure what that would look like, how it would feel…and she’d learnt a long time ago that showing weakness and emotion was never productive. She had to keep it together. For Lena’s sake and for her own.

‘How are you, sis?’ she said. She often spoke to Lena when no one was around. She wasn’t quite sure why, but she figured if Nurse Gratten was right about the research then Lena could perhaps hear and if she could…well, she might want to hear her sister Cara’s voice.

Cara racked her brain and wondered what she should talk about. She’d long since run out of ‘niceties’ days ago–and she now longed to tell Lena all about her worries and her fears. But if she did that then she’d be waiting for Lena to solve everything–something she’d always done in the past. Petty things like small rows with Ade, bar stuff, or that ‘crisis’ she’d had when she’d forgotten her car keys and Lena had had to leave work to drop the spare set off at the bar. At the time, such issues seemed like the most important thing in the world and now…they were nothing.

She sighed deeply, recalling the day she’d just picked up her new souped-up coffee-coloured Mini from Kentish Town, complete with black leather seats, alloy wheels and built-in sat nav. It had to be one of the last times she’d seen Lena. Cara had picked her up for a trip to Tesco’s but her main motivation had been to show the car off to her sister. Yet predictably, Lena wasn’t that impressed (commenting on how the twenty grand she’d paid for it could have fed a million people, or something). Lena was going on about some bloke she’d met on the bus into work, talking about the possibility of changing her route because of him. Yet, Cara couldn’t recall if the man was harassing her or what. She just couldn’t remember much about that time, more concerned with bragging about her new car and latest pair of killer heels. Things that just didn’t matter now. She squeezed her eyes shut, willing herself to remember in more detail what they had spoken about that day. The man. What Lena had wanted to eat that night–anything that could make her feel more connected to Lena; because, at that moment, she’d never felt more alone.

She wracked her brain, but all she could recall was Lena buying a birthday card and then guiltily she heard her own voice, complaining about the bar, talking about herself and not listening at all to Lena.

Surely it hadn’t been that way?

Cara squeezed her sister’s hand. Typical Lena Curtis, always thinking of others. Every time someone’s birthday came around (and they seemed to be on a continual loop), or a kid popped into the world, Lena was always the first with a card, a gift, and a kind word. She never forgot anything or anyone. She seemed to live by her lists. Always planning stuff and scribbling away in her beloved notebook. On numerous occasions, Cara had pointed out the existence of a diary and memo function on her phone, but no, Lena insisted on writing things down. She hated to forget anything.

Bet this wasn’t on the list, big sis, thought Cara sadly as she gazed towards Lena. Her Corkscrew high-lighted curls were still radiant in the light. Once as a teenager, Lena had dyed bits of her hair blue. Her cheeky sense of fun was totally at odds with her sensible self. Yes, Lena was the sensible one, whilst Cara took risks. Millie however…well Millie was just Millie.

Ade returned with the coffee. ‘I just got a call back from that hotel in Brazil.’

‘Oh right,’ she replied with a yawn.

‘Your mother’s already moved on from there and gone elsewhere.’

‘Where to?’

‘I don’t know. Maybe she’s gone to stay with a friend? Does she know any one in Rio de Janeiro? São Paulo?’

‘How should I know? I mean, how hard is it to find one pensioner?’

‘Brazil’s a big place, babe.’

She knew what Ade was thinking. In his head, he was imagining his own close-knit ‘can’t fart without the other knowing’ family. They regularly got together, phoned each other, and knew exactly what everyone was doing. This felt alien to Cara. If one of Ade’s family was ever in trouble, the whole clan would gather immediately to sort things out. She knew he found it difficult to comprehend how she could not have taken down the address of her mother’s hotels as she gallivanted around Brazil. But the truth was, the only person who would have bothered would have been Lena.

‘I hope she gets back soon. She’ll be devastated to know Lena’s been like this for almost two weeks without her knowing,’ he sighed.

‘Don’t bank on it. This is just typical behaviour for her, putting herself first. Even when her daughter’s in hospital, she just can’t be bothered,’ Cara burst out, then immediately felt guilty. Lena didn’t need to hear that.

‘We’ll find her okay?’ assured Ade, gently rubbing her tense shoulder.

But Cara turned back to look at her sister and felt more than a little bit hopeless.

FIVE (#u32eab303-6cdc-5a31-9c93-15fc2175ab0b)

‘MILLIE!!!’

‘Huh? Cara?’ said Millie into her mobile phone as she switched off the vacuum cleaner.

‘I’ve been calling you for the last half an hour!’

‘I was hoovering.’

‘Now I know you’re lying!’

‘I was!’ protested Millie.

‘I don’t care! Just get your skinny arse over to the hospital, right NOW!’

‘Has something happened?’ She froze.

‘We’ve been waiting for you for ages and Ade and I have to get to the bar!’

‘Oh that.’ She wondered why the poxy bar couldn’t just wait. Surely Lena was more important?

‘I’m sorry, Cara, I forgot,’

‘That your sister’s in hospital?’

‘No! Of course not!’ Millie really wished she could stand up to Cara, just this once.

‘Get down here, Millie!’

Her heart sank at the thought of another ‘shift’ at the hospital. It wasn’t that she resented going, it was so much more than that.

She packed the vacuum cleaner away and pushed a pile of magazines under her bed. She’d tidied up her room the best she could and made a slight dent on the lounge, which in Lena’s absence had begun to resemble a pigsty. Cara was right about one thing–she didn’t do cleaning. But with all that was going on, it really helped to keep busy–especially as she still didn’t have a job. Besides. Lena would need a clean house to come home to. So, perhaps in a day or two, she’d even tackle the bathroom, spare room, and maybe even the kitchen. Lena’s room would remain the same, though, just as she’d left it. In fact, Millie hadn’t been in that room since Lena’s accident.

She freshened up and slid into a pair of skinny jeans, running a tube of lip gloss over her full lips. She looked good. Presentable. Sexy even. And her arse was far from skinny–more shapely and firm, apparently, judging from the reaction of the builders renovating the house a few doors down. Millie grabbed her handbag off the floor and glanced round proudly at her almost tidy bedroom. The place definitely needed a dust–now if she could only find out where Lena kept that huge green feather duster she used every Sunday as she listened to her MP3 player, singing at the top of her voice. Millie giggled, picturing the image in her head–Lena wasn’t the greatest singer!

As she turned to leave, Millie caught the glimmer of something shimmery on top of the television and spotted Rik’s watch. He’d have to come back now, she thought, with a lurch of excitement.

Millie blocked out Cara’s whingeing as she placed a finger softy onto Lena’s cheek. It wasn’t cold. She always expected it to be.

‘Are you even listening to me, Millie?’ questioned Cara. She’d been moaning about her lateness and how she needed to be at the bar, blah, blah, blah. Millie could never win with Cara.

‘I am listening,’ she replied with a sigh. Actually, Millie had been trying to remember the last telephone conversation she’d had with Lena, but she couldn’t. Had it been after her shopping spree at the pound shop, when Lena had called to see if she was all right because she’d been stood up by Rik the night before? No…it was some time after that in the form of a text. Yes, that was it. Lena had done a load of shifts at Kidzline, one after the other, whilst Millie had been spending quite a bit of time at Rik’s. Their paths weren’t crossing much, even though they lived in the same house, but Millie remembered Lena sending a text one day just before the accident. She’d read and deleted it straight away, though, because her phone was running out of memory space, which had been taken up with all the texts she’d kept of Rik’s. Now, she felt her throat constrict as she remembered with absolute clarity what it had said: ‘I miss you, little sis. Lets have breakfast sometime!’

She suddenly began to recall all the times she’d ignore her sister’s calls and texts when she’d decided to go AWOL because of some guy. Yet, when she got kicked out of her bedsit, Lena had been the first one there for her whilst Cara had just berated her for being so irresponsible. And when each and every boyfriend dumped her, Lena was the one to hold her, smooth down her soft curls, wet with tears, and tell her that everything was going to be all right. Just like when they were kids.

‘I just wish this hadn’t happened,’ Millie said helplessly. She waited for a dig from Cara, who actually surprised her for once.